Just to clarify, there's a bit of Neo in this chapter, so interpret that as you please. I didn't have any in mind; it's just friendship and comfort and all that to me.

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Leo opened his eyes and found the room dark and a figure beside his bed, bending over him, shaking him awake. He sat up and looked around wildly. N stood and sat on his bed to comfort him, even if he didn’t want comforting.

To both their surprise, Leo threw his arms around N’s neck first and squeezed him as tightly as he could. N’s eyes widened in shock but he returned the hug, ready to help Leo in whatever way he could. Leo shut his eyes tight. Hyuk was killed because of me. He was on drugs because of me. N-hyung, all of this is my fault!

"What’s wrong, Leo-ah?” N asked softly, almost to himself, rubbing his back gently. “What’s bothering you? You were screaming in your sleep just now.”

Leo didn’t say or indicate anything that would answer N’s question. He merely tightened his hold on his friend and clung to him desperately, needing an anchor to reality to rid himself of the memories.

N continued to whisper to him soothingly. “It was just a bad dream, Leo-ah. Just a dream. Nothing to be afraid of.”

It wasn’t just a dream, hyung. Leo thought in anguish. It happened and it’s my fault.

Oblivious of Leo’s thoughts, N continued to soothe him, guessing correctly what was bothering him. There was only one thing that could possibly make Leo so visibly upset. “I know it’s hard, we’re all upset about Hyuk. I miss him so much. I think about him all the time and I want nothing more than to see him again or hear his laugh or even scold him for something.” At this point, N wasn’t just soothing Leo. He was talking almost to himself and Leo just happened to be listening.

“I remember the time he stole Ravi’s math book right off his desk. It was hilarious watching Ravi chase him all over the house to get it back. Or how about the time he and Hongbin pretended to be MCs and got ‘exclusive interviews’ with me and Ken.” N allowed himself a small laugh. “He was always bursting with ideas; I don’t know where they all came from. It’s so hard, you know, knowing all those ideas have gone to waste. Leo, I know you’re feeling this harder than any of us. Hyuk told me once—well, yelled at me once—that you were like a real brother to him. You were the only one who ever really listened to him, or held him when he was scared, the only one who cared enough to yell at him in anything besides anger. I feel bad about that now. I wish Hyuk could have been able to say that about all of us.” N swallowed and closed his eyes briefly.

“But Leo, you can’t hold everything in all the time. I saw what happened at school the other day. I’ve never been scared of you before, no matter how hard you try to intimidate people, but that day Leo, I was terrified. I’ve never seen you like that, and you need to let yourself feel, and grieve. My G-d Leo, I miss Hyuk so much also and sometimes, I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t imagine what it’s like for you, but please, help me, help us, help yourself get through it.”

N felt Leo’s hold on him tighten and he felt him begin shaking against him. He stopped talking and listened in astonishment to the little squeaks and whimpers Leo was suddenly making. He blinked.

“Leo-ah...are you...?” He didn’t have to finish. His words made Leo shudder more than before, like he was letting out all the pain and sorrow he’d had since even before they’d had to face the reality that Hyuk was gone. For the first time in a long time, Leo was allowing himself to feel, and the sensation, while relieving, was so painful. The sobs had risen up without him being able to stop them, and they now controlled him as he released all the tension that had built up over time. N closed his eyes and rested his head on Leo’s shoulder, letting a few tears of his own escape from behind them.

Unbeknownst to either of them, Ravi was sitting up in bed watching them silently. He witnessed the raw emotion that Leo never let anyone see. Ravi understood Leo’s need to withdraw into himself and never show what he was feeling; Ravi did it himself sometimes. There had been many times that N had begged him to tell him what was wrong and to stop retreating into his books dammit.

However, he wasn’t quite as stoic as his older friend. Leo had been like that even as a child, and Ravi had never understood why he had to ignore his emotions all the time. Even Ravi had let himself loose sometimes, talking seriously with N about the future, or letting a few tears slip out when Hongbin got into one of his moods, or yelling at Hyuk when things got too tough. Leo never let himself do those things; he shut the rest of them out, especially when he had gotten back after that awful time in jail. None of them knew exactly what had gone on in there for obvious reasons, but it had clearly been bad enough to silence Leo’s voice.

But now, Leo’s face was red and his eyes were squeezed shut. Sweat matted his bangs, and tear after tear streamed down his face, darkening the red of N’s t-shirt into a deep maroon. His shoulders were shaking and his uninjured hand was curled into a fist and trembling against N’s back. Ravi knew he and N were probably the only ones who would ever see him cry.

Despite the impression he gave, Ravi was devastated about Hyuk. Without him, Ravi knew that their little group would never be the same. He was doing his best to ignore the glaring hole Hyuk had left by spending more hours at school, doing extra homework, going to the library, and in general isolating himself with work. It was the only way he knew how to deal with his pain. And without Hyuk, no one was going to stop him.

Hyuk had been the one to steal his books. Hyuk had been the one to drag him away from the desk and go outside. Hyuk had been the one to make him laugh when he was worried about a test. It was Hyuk. It had always been Hyuk. And Ravi had never realized it. The longer Ravi watched Leo and N, the more he realized just how much Hyuk had been part of their lives and he wanted to cry himself when he thought of how many times he had gotten annoyed at him. He had even startled the younger boy to tears one time when Hyuk was eight, making him run to Leo, who had given Ravi the stink-eye as they walked past him, Leo’s arm around Hyuk’s shoulders.

If he was honest with himself, Ravi knew that Hyuk had been much more than the annoying kid they always told him he was. He always meant to ask him why he played those pranks, why he had to be so freaking cheerful, why, despite his apparent happiness, he had turned to substance abuse. None of them wanted to think that maybe he wasn’t as happy as he appeared to be. The thought of the violent way in which Hyuk died made Ravi shrivel up inside. Why did it have to be him? Why did whoever ran this world decide that Hyuk no longer deserved to live? Why did they have to deal with his death? He was only a kid, frozen now forever at fifteen.

Ravi blinked rapidly and watched N and Leo cry on each other’s shoulders for a little longer. He lay back on his pillow and turned to his side facing them as the two of them finally hiccupped themselves into silence and separated, N asking Leo softly if he was all right. Leo nodded without looking directly at him and N handed him his pajamas, sending him to the bathroom to wash his face, change, and finally go to bed. N turned and glanced up at Ravi, who quickly closed his eyes, before getting back into his own bed.

Ravi sat up again after Leo reentered the room and got back under his covers. It took a while for the sound of Leo’s breaths, which still had the hint of tears in them, to settle down into the deepness of sleep. Leo’s tears were what made Ravi think long and hard about the choice he felt he had to make. None of them were dealing with this well. None of them were all right. Hyuk deserved better than this.

The sun had begun to rise when Ravi finally made his decision.