Woohoo! Today I start my 10^th journal! I don’t know, when I was buying this notebook, I started thinking that maybe I’m getting too old to keep a journal, don’t you think? I mean I’m already 15. I’ll even be 16 soon! Can you believe it? It’s hard to believe I’ve been writing since I was ten. Okay, so maybe I’m not too old, but if Ken-hyung ever finds out about you, I’ll never hear the end of it. I think I’m gonna need a new hiding space, but for now, you’ll be cozy and warm with my other journals under my mattress. No one’s ever found any of you guys yet!

Anyway, nothing really interesting happened today. Well, my teacher yelled at me again, but what’s new, right? I got sent into the hall and met Leo-hyung there. Turns out he’d been kicked out of class too. I don’t know why, I mean, he never talks, so it’s not like he’s getting into trouble or anything. Maybe they just don’t like him. That’d be a real shame, because once you get to know Leo, he’s really nice. Hm. Maybe it’s just me...

Leo rolled his eyes in mild amusement. He flipped a few pages, skimming over the words, hearing Hyuk’s voice telling him about his days.

Oh my gosh I’m laughing so hard right now. N and Ken got into so much trouble with Ahjumma just now, I had to write it down so I don’t forget. Somehow, I have no clue what they were doing, N got stuck in between the railings on the stairs and then Ken got stuck trying to get him out. Ahjumma had to break the railings to get them out and then yelled at them for like, ten minutes. Hongbin and I were watching from around the corner and I can’t stop laughing. Only N and Ken can get themselves into that kind of thing, I’m telling you.

Leo allowed himself the ghost of a smile. He remembered that day; the railings still weren’t fixed.

Ravi is seriously the best. I’m not even kidding. I have a test tomorrow for a class I haven’t gone to in about two months and I was freaking out until Ravi came up to me and helped me study. He’s so smart, but he doesn’t really have time for me anymore like he used to. I guess it makes sense. All he wants is to be successful, so I guess it’s good for him to be spending so much time working. But seriously, the guy needs to get a social life. While he was helping me, I saw Leo glaring at him. I don’t know why he was so upset. Maybe he wants me to be able to do it myself. It’s not my fault I can’t.

 ...Well, maybe it is a little bit.

Ravi was way too nice. Hyuk needed to learn not to rely on everyone else to help him out of everything.

HONGBIN JUST TOLD ME THE SCARIEST THING. I can’t even write it down. Sorry for making you all anticipated and stuff, but I just needed to put it out there that he told me something scary.

Leo didn’t want to think about what that could mean.

Guess what happened today?!?! I’m so happy, I could cry. Okay, maybe not cry, but it’s really exciting. I’ve been having some...financial troubles lately, and Jiyong told me he could find me a job! I don’t know what it is yet, he didn’t tell me, but it’ll make my stress level go down by probably 100%. 

This was the first mention of Jiyong in the journal, and Leo sat up at the unexpected name. He also noticed that Hyuk never really said anything about his evening activities. It appeared he didn’t want to admit that to anyone, especially himself. He stopped at an angry sounding entry, dated a few weeks before...Leo swallowed and began reading before he could think the words.

N-hyung talked to me again today. What, does he think that by talking to me every few days he’ll magically straighten me out?? What is wrong with him? What’s wrong with everyone in this effing place? Ahjumma chewed me out yesterday too. What do they want from me? It’s not like any of this mess I call my life is my damn fault. I didn’t choose to be born! I didn’t tell my father to introduce my mother to heaven a little early! I certainly didn’t tell Jiyong to take over my life!

Leo winced at the angry words. And then the tone of the entry switched from anger to melancholy.

This is stupid. I don’t want them to keep trying to discuss “my future” with me. Yeah, the future that doesn’t exist. I mean, seriously, what happens to kids like me? Look at Jiyong for heaven’s sake. He’s been locked up like six times since he was twelve. And they think I’m bad. *Snort* But yeah, N was telling me to clean up my act because I’ll never get into college at this rate, I won’t pass the entrance exams, hell, I probably won’t even show up to the entrance exams. The question is, do I even want to?

Leo swallowed a lump in his throat. He remembered when Hyuk was younger, he told Leo one time all about which college he wanted to go to and what degree he wanted to get—engineering. He was so excited he could barely sit still, asking Leo to invent a time machine so he could go to college already. He looked down at the journal again, noticing that the next entry was written in handwriting that was much neater, more deliberate. It looked like Hyuk was trying to control his hand from shaking.

...So, you remember that job that Jiyong said he’d get me? I’m actually speechless. I’m a horrible person. I’m disgusting for even considering it, let alone doing it. I think I might throw up. Hang on. I think I’m about to.

I’m back. Oh my G-d, I’m shaking. It’s 3 in the morning and I don’t want to wake anyone up, especially Leo. He’d only look at me in that way he has that makes me want to tell him everything. I can’t believe Jiyong. I can’t believe him.

But the thing is, I didn’t have a choice.

He...he...my G-d I’m crying, I’m actually crying, just thinking about what I did tonight. I don’t know if I can write it. But I need to be brave. I need to be a big boy about this. That’s what Leo used to tell me. I need to be a big brave boy. Okay, I’m just going to write it. 1, 2, 3, Jiyong got me a job as a...a...stripper. In a club.

There. I said it.

When he brought me there, I guess he saw my face since he told me not to be scared. Apparently I have a nice body and no one would be paying enough attention to me to try to recognize me. Like anyone I know would be in that place. The manager of the club brought me to the back and...gave me...a...a costume. He said no one would realize I’m underage since it’s so dark in there.

Okay, that’s enough. I can’t say any more.

Leo closed his eyes, feeling hatred for Jiyong rise up in him like vomit. If there was anything on the long list for Jiyong to take responsibility for, it was stealing Hyuk’s innocence. Brutally. He skipped a page or two.

I haven’t had time to write for a few days, sorry about that. I kinda missed you actually. I’ve been really busy with school (sorta), my “job” which, sadly enough, I’ve gotten used to, and Jiyong. He’s scaring me recently. I’m not sure exactly what it is, but he’s been really jittery and he keeps yelling at me. I missed a couple shifts at the club and he was so angry I thought he’d kill me right then and there.

The last entry was hurried, messier than the rest of the notebook. It was dated the day before...well, that day. He must have written in the journal right before leaving the home for the last time.

I’m so scared. I’ve owed Jiyong for months now and I haven’t been able to pay him back. He shook me down two days ago and took everything I’ve got, but I still owe him. I’ve literally got nothing now. I’m going now to go talk to him. Maybe I can reason with him for more time. He said he wanted to see him in the alleyway by his apartment where we first met, which honestly scares the sh** out of me. He looked really angry last week, and I don’t want him angry. The last time he got mad at me, he brought a knife.

Okay, I’m leaving now. Everyone’s asleep. Wish me luck.