YÊU THÌ KHỔ; KHÔNG YÊU THÌ LỔ.

Uyen sits at a table in a dimly lit cafe, her eyes glued to the screen of her phone. She’s scrolling through her Instagram feed, looking for updates on the day’s happenings. Duy is still living his life vicariously, Lilie is having another meltdown, and Yixing is enjoying his day off by playing video games in his studio apartment with Yifan. As she mindlessly double-taps every picture on her feed out of sheer courtesy, she hears a low “ahem” from above. She looks up to see Chanyeol peering down at her with an expectant look.

“Chanyeol,” Uyen says immediately, surprised to see him standing in front of her after so many years of being apart.

Chanyeol beams a nervous (yet still so dashing) smile at her before he sets his iced americano down onto the table and takes a seat, “Hey Uyen, it’s been awhile since we last saw each other.”

“I, um,” Uyen shifts in her seat, slightly uneasy due to the new situation, “Yeah. It’s… It’s been a while.”

“What has it been, like, two years?”

Uyen remembers when his words used to cast this indestructible spell onto her; every sentence, every phrase, every syllable made her knees weak and her heart swell for no particular reason. She would rest her elbows against the table and listen to him tell her about all of the mundane things he did at work for hours without getting tired. She breathed in every single sentence, phrase, syllable he spoke and dreamed about his every movement. 

She was obsessed with him; his eyes, his nose, his mouth all fit together perfectly on his face like a specially crafted one thousand piece puzzle. His every flaw was like a God-given miracle.

But Chanyeol never saw her the way she saw him. He neglected to see how much she adored him. He never understood that all of his playful banter and friendly forehead kisses meant something more to Uyen. She thought they were signs, he thought they were courtesies. He thought she felt the same way, she knew that she didn’t.

He was like a beautiful nightmare. Horrifying, yet so mesmerizing.

“Yeah, two years. I’m surprised you’re back in Seoul,” Uyen replies, putting her phone down onto the table, “I thought you were going to be gone for another few years?”

“I can’t come back to visit?” Chanyeol emits a low chuckle, his eyes focused on her. Uyen leans back in her chair, yearning for some support. She’s caught off guard. He’s never looked at her like this before. She wraps her hand around her cup before she replies, “I mean, you can, but you were so set on your studies and your music that I didn’t think-”

“You didn’t think that I would ever come back?”

“I mean, what’s the point of coming back, right?” Uyen questions, “France is unbelievably philosophical, they have an appreciation for the indie music you like, and Sejeong is there. Your family moved to Jeju last year. What’s waiting for you in Seoul?”

Chanyeol gives her another nervous smile.

“Well, while I was abroad, I saw a lot of amazing things. It was like… It was like I was voluntarily trapped in this swirling nebula of exotic dishes and beautiful objects. The music schools there are so freaking amazing. The teachers are all so dedicated and the instruments, oh god, they were so carefully crafted,” his eyes glimmered in admiration as he explained his experiences. Uyen, once again, found herself falling for his charm. It was undeniable why she fell for him in the first place. He had a passion that lit up a hundred skies.

“But then after some time passed, I realized that I was feeling empty again. I felt like there was something missing. I had everything I wanted, but I still wasn’t feeling content. No one was listening to me.”

Chanyeol’s expression darkens a bit. He looks away as he starts to fiddle with the hem of his shirt. Uyen realizes that he isn’t wearing his black ring. His black ring, as Chanyeol has explained before, symbolized his undying love for Sejeong.

“What about your teachers? Your friends?” Uyen asks.

“They tried to understand me but they couldn’t. They couldn’t understand why someone like me could be so unhappy, so unsatisfied with myself. They couldn’t even understand why I liked wrestling, which, to me, is an insanely big deal,” Chanyeol pauses as he lifts his gaze up to face her again. She notices that he is searching her face for something. Is he looking for a hint that she’s listening to him? Does he think that she’s uninterested?

“I came back to Seoul for you. France can be the most amazing place on Earth, but I realized that nothing is complete without you there with me,” Chanyeol confesses, taking her hand into his, “No one was there for me like you had been. Come back to Paris with me.”

Uyen doesn’t know what to think. There is a numbing feeling that begins to cloud up her mind, her thoughts swirl around like a large and swift tornado.

“Chanyeol,” Uyen starts, unsure of what to say. The look on his face is so expectant, so full of hope. She doesn’t know what to say.

“Uyen!” a voice calls her name from the distance. Uyen and Chanyeol look up to see a grinning Baekhyun heading their way. He runs up to them, slowing down as he notices Chanyeol as well. His bright expression dims a bit.

“Oppa, you’re finally done. I’ve been waiting for you,” Uyen greets as he stops in front of her, pulling her hand away from Chanyeol’s grasp. She stands up. Chanyeol remains seated.

Baekhyun and Chanyeol both stare at each other. The atmosphere turns slightly tense. Baekhyun takes Uyen’s hand into his, “Why were the both of you holding hands?”

Uyen opens to respond, however, Chanyeol (somewhat boldly) beats her to the chase, “I was confessing my love for her.”

Uyen feels Baekhyun’s grip tighten. Her heart is beating violently in her chest; she never expected this to happen. The entire cafe is buzzing in noise but somehow, she can only hear the heat of Baekhyun’s hand against hers and she can only feel the intense stares the two are giving each other.

She had been in love with Chanyeol for so many years. Every movement and breath he took whisked her away into some type of fantasy. Even as he dated Sejeong, she could only see him. His guitar and his voice shaped his personality, his heart of gold and angelic smile blessed his emotions, his laugh and his tears outlined his features. Every aspect of his being had her in a spell.

But not anymore.

Not after Baekhyun knocked on her door and asked if she was okay on the night that Chanyeol left for Paris without a proper goodbye. Not after Baekhyun celebrated her birthday with her and her family when she needed to convince them that she had a stable relationship. Not after Baekhyun stripped her down and cleansed her of her previous, toxic, one-sided relationship with someone who never acknowledged her as a woman until he had been without her.

“If you checked up on Uyen more, you would know that she’s my girlfriend,” Baekhyun breaks the silence and pulls her closer to him. He lets go of her hand and wraps his arm around her waist instead, “You had your chance.”

Chanyeol opens his mouth to argue but Uyen doesn’t let him.

“He’s right. I’ve been in love with you for so many years, yet you never saw me as more than your friend. You personally said goodbye to so many of your friends, but never to me. You broke me down and you never even knew. You never cared enough to notice.”

Uyen doesn’t notice that she broke out of Baekhyun’s hold, she doesn’t notice that she’s shaking from anger, she doesn’t notice how her eyes are slightly watering up as she musters the courage to admit to all of her buried feelings.

“I deserve someone who cares about me, despite if I’m just a friend or if I’m his significant other. I deserve Baekhyun. Sometimes, I don’t even deserve him because he’s just so caring and loves me for who I am even though I have habits that he doesn’t like. I know you didn’t mean to string me along all of those years. I know your newfound feelings are genuine, but I’m sorry Chanyeol. You belong in Paris, and I belong here.”

There is a silence, slightly deafening to the touch. Uyen feels like throwing up. She feels like crying. Baekhyun looks at his watch and tells Chanyeol that they have a reservation. He wraps his arm around her once again and leads her out of the cafe.

They leave Chanyeol to sit alone in silence.

She loved him and it was painful; if she hadn’t loved him, she would’ve never found her own, true happiness.

---

just wanted to say that best person for you is yourself. this one was for my friend uyen, who has inspired me in many
ways. // i used specyeol as a muse. started this when you were in that sad funk about him but i think you’re good now.
i still wanted to finish this one for you. you’re a strong lady and i love u !!!

also some of the stuff i wrote doesn't make too much sense because i wanted to try to highlight how confused and conflicted
uyen was feeling. sometimes your feelings become what you see when you’re hurt and confused. idk english i'm just trying to
impress myself lmao

also the title means “loving is painful/bitter; not loving is a loss” or something close to that, if anyone needed a bit of
clarification