4. even in winter, she hopes the last petal left will not falter

There was a boy called Nam Woohyun. A friend of aspiration, morale and definitely a star of his own brilliance; he’s the living definition of perfection. Throughout his twenty-four years old of life, his parents never had enough of him, other neighbours shower him with unending praises, other sons hated him with all their guts while other girls adored and offered him their hearts. Throughout the downs and lows, Nam Woohyun was always at his , at his peak. But I guess, every would have its anti moment to boot.

            Nam Woohyun was faltering slowly, his petals were wilting, his colour has faint hues and his saps were shrinking; the soil that once feed him many, may be his graveyard waiting for him to fall and kiss the ground. Yet, Nam Woohyun still bravely faced the mocking sun proudly, humming a declaration of war that he alone understand. His visage despite those ugly circumstances? Sinfully beautiful. 

            I met Nam Woohyun at the same park, the same table beside the same big frozen tree. It was a clear day, no snow falling down from the sky, but the sun was not that bright either. It was dismal and the surrounding’s pretty much depressing. Not to mention seriously cold. I saw him approaching towards my direction from a far. Wearing a dark blue trench coat, his height seems to be a little bit different from the usual. Nevertheless, he still was looking good, with his fringe covering his eyebrows and his lips never dry from granting smile. He looked pretty warm, but not as warm as how he should be seen. Perhaps the weather didn’t do justice in reflecting Nam Woohyun’s beauty today.  

            “I want a follow-up from you,” he said, once he settled his things on the table and sat across me.

            “About?”

            “The collage. What’s the result?” he asked with an expectant look on his face.

            “I didn’t submit it,” I answered.

            “You didn’t?” there’s amused look on his face (along with his overdramatic gasp) but I couldn’t be so sure enough to said that.

            “Yeah, but I submitted mine instead. I mean, I made a new piece. And I got a B if that’s you want to know.” I said indifferently. His face then changed to more a serious one and I guess he did feel apologetic for me, or was it guilt?

            “I’m sorry f--”

            “Nahh, don’t sweat it,” I cut him off.

            The passing wind blew past us and I feel how my hair stood up upon sensing the bold coldness it brought along on my coarse skin. The silence we were having was not that comforting I’d say. It made me feel restless, like I am waiting for myself to be peeled by this man in front of me. Anytime he open his mouth, I am afraid that I will give him more than what I intended to. In our relationship, there are still noticeable gaps whether we like it or not. This made me thinking of what the actual relationship we were having as for now.

             This carried my thought to Lee Sungyeol. He had possibly friendzoned me since forever, and with being ‘friends’; the only label he want to be associated with me. I wouldn’t blame him because it’s me. I’m the one who couldn’t control her own feelings. This is a baggage that I would want to let go, cleanly, like how wind pass the biting coldness to every single mortal it touches. But at the same time, I couldn’t help but to feel reluctant too.

            I mentally scoffed at my own pitiable providence. Noting how awfully quiet Nam Woohyun was, I stole glances toward his way that looked promptly occupied with the scenery before us. I slowly traced his feature as I quickly look over him. And then I would match those splitter images I got through the repeated glances I had on. A bit haggard. I promised myself to stop looking out for him, in case I would carry more baggage.

            “Don’t you think we’re friends now?” he asked, breaking the silence we had for more than minutes ceaselessly go by.  I let out a bitter chuckle and purposely make it loud enough to reach his ears. It was a hostile answer from a coward like me. I think I succeeded as his face slightly diffuse to what I saw like a momentary eclipse, he couldn’t help but to show the disappointment draw itself on his feature.

            “I prefer acquaintance, it holds less prospects of commitment.” I shrugged unapologetically. 

            “What can I do to befriend you then?” he asked and I swear he almost had me if he didn’t flip his bang aside and flung a smile with his luminous eyes. 

            “Do I have to say it so that you know?” we can’t be friends.

            He just looked at me expectantly and there he had me, succumbed at my own mercy. I saw how his jaw tightened a bit, which might means he seriously affected by what I’ve told him, or the things he’s going to hear from me. Repressed as he is, I thought I was carrying a burden too because it’s always hard to tell the truth.

            How I’m going to reconstruct a sentence from the many raw thoughts in my head. I don’t think he’ll appreciate my constant foul language course every time we converse but hey, we all learn that honesty is the best policy alright, and that may be a way for me to express sincerity, no need to condemn me much. Thank you.

            For someone who had spend her years of building invisible barriers to others, I’m doing decently well of playing safe and started to pull a brick out from the wall (instead of adding more), okay, perhaps two bricks in Nam Woohyun’s case. I’m letting them down for a while. 

            “Nam Woohyun. Your GPA never ruined by any A-, a dean-lis