More Than The Air I Breathe

Chapter 5

Kyungsoo is more than shocked when he comes back from University on an apparently normal afternoon and finds his 69 years-old grandfather standing outside his condo, patiently standing on his legs, obviously waiting for someone to be home.

"Grandpa!" 

Kyungsoo rushes to his side, meeting a pair of impenetrable eyes looking at him with boredom, and immediately starts checking the man out for any wound or sign of fatigue. Kyungsoo's grandfather snorts at the panicked look in the young boy's eyes and shrugs him off, raising his eyebrows.

"Grand, what are you doing here? How long have you been waiting? How did you come?" 

"I still know how to call for a taxi, Kyungsoo."

The boy sighs at the ironic answer he gets, smiling embarrassedly before escorting the old man inside the building. At home, Kyungsoo lets his grandfather take a seat in the kitchen, flashing him a curious look.

"Couldn't you call mom and ask her to pick you up?" he asks, well knowing that if the man hasn't, it's because he wants to talk about something serious with him.

Proving him right, the man snorts. "First of all, make me a tea." 

Kyungsoo smiles, amused and surrendered, but immediately obeys. He makes his grandfather a tea and then takes a seat besides him, rests his chin on a palm and raises an encouraging eyebrow. He expects the serious talk to be about something related to his carefree mother, as usual.

Again, the old ogre snorts. "I heard your mother has taken a man inside."

Kyungsoo sighs loudly, immediately. Old people and their gossip have always managed to get on his nerves. 

"Who is him?" the man continues, without even caring asking if there's truth in his statement "Where is him now?"

"Grandpa, this man is just an old friend. Mom is letting him stay until he finds an apartment."

"So it's true." 

The annoyed tone in the old's voice makes Kyungsoo sigh again.

"There's nothing wrong in helping a friend." he states, calmly, while touching one of his grandfather's shoulder supportively "And if she discovers you've been here gossiping about her again, you know how mad she'll get."

"No one is going to tell her." the man answers, confident, before shaking his head "Who is him, anyway? Do I know him?"

Kyungsoo takes a long moment to stare into his grandfather's eyes, scolding. Their eye-contact makes the old man roll his eyes.

"Don't judge me from being interested into my only daughter's life, Kyungsoo."

This is usually how Kyungsoo's grandfather wins his grandson over, playing the 'over-concerned about my only daughter's carefree life' card. Before Kyungsoo can sigh in defeat, though, a few knocks on the door interrupts his conversation with the old man.

"It must be him." Kyungsoo says then, rushing to open to his guest who, predictably, turns out to be Luhan. 

Before the man can even greet him and enter the apartment, Kyungsoo grabs his hand and sends him a weary look, whispering "We've got a guest, come."

Luhan blinks confusedly, entering the kitchen with big eyes as Kyungsoo drags him along. 

"Here, grandpa. Here he is." Kyungsoo says patiently, showing Luhan off. He is about to introduce Luhan but, as soon as he notices the way the two older men are already looking at each other, he frowns.

There's a sudden tension so palpable and heavy he feels the entire room has frozen.

"Luhan." his grandfather acknowledges, low and dark, and Kyungsoo shivers. 

He looks at his side, to Luhan, and notices an imperceptible bow of his head as he stares at the old man, eyes so cold Kyungsoo never imagined he could see on someone as bright as him. 

"Right. You probably know each other." he says, stepping slightly back. 

Kyungsoo is closed in his shoulders, looking from his grandfather to Luhan continuously, waiting for any of them to stop acting so strange and say a word.

It's his grandfather who breaks the silence, eventually.

"Kyungsoo, leave us alone for a moment, please." 

Kyungsoo immediately looks for Luhan's eyes, slightly worried now, and only does as his grandfather requests when Luhan opens up into a weak smile for him, and nods. He leaves the kitchen and locks himself in his room, hurrying to call Baekhyun.

"I think my grandfather and Luhan-hyung could end up into a fight." he informs his confused best friend, asking him to keep him company until everything goes back to be normal in the apartment.

As soon as the two older men hear the click of Kyungsoo's door closing, they both lose their composure.

"What are you doing here, Luhan?" the old man immediately asks, doing nothing to hide his annoyance.

Luhan, on the other hand, simply stares. "You still hate me so much after all these years, Do-sshi?"

"Are you back to ruin my daughter's life again?" the other ignores him.

Luhan sighs, his expression hardening. "I don't own you any explanation."

The challenge in Luhan's voice brings the old man to scoff, moving closer until there's only a small gap left between them.

"Stay away from Hyeri and Kyungsoo. Whatever reason you had to come back, I don't care, just go away."

"Do you want to threaten me again?" Luhan smiles bitterly, dark "What are you going to do to make me leave this time?"

"Don't play with me, Luhan." Mr. Do says through gritted teeth, moving even closer and flashing the young man a glare. 

Luhan can only stare, anger radiating from every pound of his body. "You have ruined my life once, I won't let you do it twice." 

"You have been the one to ruin everyone's lives before." 

The old man touches Luhan's chest, pointing a finger on it accusatively, and Luhan quickly jerks away.

"You brought that into my daughter's life" Mr. Do continues "You were the one about to ruin Kim Jong-"

Just then, Luhan snaps forward in a sudden movement, his body going on fire as he points a finger to the old man and grits his teeth dangerously. 

"Don't say his name in my presence."

The old man moves away from Luhan's threatening figure, but doesn't stop.

"Whatever reason you had to come back, I don't care. Quiet my daughter and my grandson's lives immediately."

"You succeeded in separating us once, now stop." Luhan does his best to keep his voice low, not wanting Kyungsoo to hear any of these words "Do you think you can control us even now? We're not seventeen anymore. I already let you play your stupid games for long enough. You ruined my life, you-"

Luhan stops, biting his lips hard. The words he was about to say about Jongin stick in throat and he feels like vomiting, so he says no more. The other takes advantage of his silence.

"I did what every father would have done in that case. You let an play with my daughter and then disappear, leaving her lonely and broken with a child to raise."

"It was not my fault he left." Luhan says back, shivering in anger.

"You played with Kim-"

"I said don't say his name in my presence!" 

Luhan realizes how loud he has been when it's too late, biting his lips immediately, holding his anger inside with a strangled noise. The old man in front of him snaps forward this time, closing the distance between them and looking for the younger's eyes directly, angrily.

"Whatever you have done to him, you will always do it. That's your nature, Luhan. The only thought you are sharing home with my grandson makes me shiver in disgust."

Luhan loses focus of what it's around him, feeling his heart dropping on the cold ground at those harsh words. 

"You're evil."

The old man leaves him there like that, beat.

He goes knocking on Kyungsoo's door, quickly, and tells his worried grandson that he is now leaving and that he wishes for him to keep silent with Hyeri about his visit.

Kyungsoo catches his grandfather leaving like in a hurry, his face never been so cold, and waits until the door closes behind him before quickly running over to Luhan. The man is still standing in the kitchen, almost frozen, a numb expression on his usually bright and smiling face that makes Kyungsoo's stomach jump in uneasiness. 

"Hyung?"

Kyungsoo hesitantly shakes him by his shirt, concern and confusion evident in his wide open, round eyes. Luhan barely acknowledges his presence, blinking a few times to focus his sight again before smiling a weak, probably reassuring smile to the younger.

"It's alright." Luhan says, sounding as convincing as he can for Kyungsoo's sake, but he barely manages to convince himself. He gently removes Kyungsoo's hand from his arm, apologetic, and leaves for a shower almost like he is running away from something Kyungsoo can't understand. 

Kyungsoo lets go, puzzled, watching Luhan leaving and wondering what could have possibly happened to make the angelic man suddenly look so dead.

-

No matter how hard he tries to prevent himself for thinking too much, Kyungsoo can't help but feel a heavy sense of uneasiness bringing the imagines of the afternoon his grandfather has visited them constantly up in his mind. 

He is stuck on that dead Luhan he had felt dead himself at sight, full of questions and worries that are torturing him. If that Luhan was the consequence to something about Luhan's life only, he would have been mature enough to keep himself out of it as someone who shouldn't interfere with Luhan's business. That Luhan, though, was the consequence to something about Luhan and his grandfather, and Kyungsoo can't get over it.

He wonders what has happened between the two men, he wonders why his mother can't know about that day.

That day, a day in which Kyungsoo has seen a look on Luhan's face he wishes to never see ever again. 

"Mom, can I ask you something?" he finally finds the courage to ask, at dinner, knowing Luhan will not come back until late because of a meeting with his colleagues. 

His mother nods without even looking up from her plate, oblivious to his tormented thoughts.

"Were Luhan-hyung and grandpa on bad terms, in the past?"

Hyeri stops chewing her food, immediately looking up to a hesitant Kyungsoo. 

"Why are you asking?" 

The boy shrugs his mother's weariness away. "I was just thinking of what Luhan-hyung said the day we met."

Hyeri tilts her head in confusion, recalling the mentioned moment and then frowning. "Kyungsoo, it's been almost a month ago, why are you bringing this up now?"

The boy shrugs again, trying to keep his cool. "Just answer, it hit me all of sudden." 

"Well," Hyeri gives up, keeping weary eyes on her son anyway "Let's say that yes, they weren't on the greatest terms."

"Why?"

Hyeri shrugs and from the expression she makes, Kyungsoo understands these are not happy memories. "You know, your father was a friend of Luhan. When he left, your grandfather blamed everything on Luhan."

Kyungsoo would have imagined his grandfather doing something like this. His mother has always told him that when she got pregnant of him, the family fell into chaos. Everyone was outraged by the teen pregnancy and turned their backs to them, making his grandfather lose his control more than once. Those were of course dark times, the main reason why Kyungsoo had never wished to know anything about the weak man his father had to be. Blaming everything on Luhan, though, that was so out of place.

"Also, you know, Kyungsoo," Hyeri says, sending his lost in thoughts son a sweet look "Your grandfather is not among the most open minded people."

Kyungsoo would have imagined something like this as well. He knows how close-minded his grandfather has always been, main reason why his mother opposed in sharing home with him. Growing up, Kyungsoo had felt more and more uncomfortable with his grandfather because of his homophobia and always tried to avoid related matters when speaking with him. Two of his closest friends are in a beautiful relationship, and Kyungsoo is not sure about his ual orientation himself.

He instinctively thinks of Luhan. He would shamelessly lie if he denied how much he feels attracted to the older man, and Kyungsoo feels slightly uncomfortable as he thinks about it. He constantly sees people squealing over Luhan's undeniable gorgeousness, male and female, students and teachers, young and old people, wherever they go. He still can't understand if the heat spreading all over his body when he sees Luhan's smiling, or feels Luhan close, is the obvious consequence to Luhan's breath-taking beauty, or if there's more.

Eventually, he decides this is not even something worth trying to understand.

He goes back to his dinner with a simple nod and Hyeri does the same, not asking him anything more. 

-

Luhan holds a little party with Hyeri and his adorable helpers as soon as he moves into his new apartment.

Flashes of that day with Do Dongwoo hit his mind too often, harsh, and Luhan couldn't help but wishing to move out from Hyeri's apartment soon to at least try to remove those words from his mind.

He has immediately pretended nothing ever happened and has done his best to reassure Kyungsoo everything was really just fine because, even if the boy was acting mature enough not to let it show, he was worried, Luhan could tell.

Luhan just went back smiling like nothing ever happened, at least he tried to, but still now he tries his best to forget about Mr. Do's words even if their harshness, sometimes, hunts him in his sleep. 

He has said Kyungsoo he feels home, back in Korea, and he means it. He doesn't want to leave, not even when his past seems so unwilling to let go.

Despite the awkwardness of the last days, Kyungsoo has been there keeping him company and helping him cooking dinner the entire afternoon, soon followed by Baekhyun who has also come helping preparing the dining room for the party. Chanyeol and Sehun have come not much later with a cake for him and Hyeri has reached them as soon as she finished her shift at work. 

They spend a quiet and enjoyable night, with Chanyeol's happiness making everyone smile and Baekhyun's wittiness always coming at the right timings. Kyungsoo's cooking delights everyone as well, and the cherry on the cake arrives when Sehun and Chayeol fall in one of their absurd, lovely fight as the younger accuses his boyfriend of having bought the wrong cake just because he had been absent for a minute to answer his phone, showing how helpless he is. 

Luhan notices Kyungsoo sending him quick glances often, the sight making him smile bitterly. He doesn't know what hits him when he does but, probably in a little attempt to prove his young friend everything is really just fine, he asks him to sleep over, telling Hyeri he will take the boy to University with him the morning after. 

Hyeri doesn't protest one bit and Kyungsoo, despite Luhan's invite coming pretty unexpected, doesn't either. 

As soon as everyone else leaves and Baekhyun winks happily at his best friend, well knowing how much he enjoys Luhan's company despite his usual grumpy self, Luhan sends Kyungsoo a gentle smile.

"Are you sure you want to stay?"

Kyungsoo knows he is blushing as usual but he nods, keeping his head down. "You have gotten used to company, haven't you."

"I guess I have." Luhan says with a little, embarrassed smile, taking the boy's hand and dragging him along until they are in his newest bedroom. Everything still smells of fresh paint.

Luhan takes a pajama and lends it to Kyungsoo "Get changed, take your time. Are you tired? Or do you want to watch a movie?" 

"Hyung." Kyungsoo calls then, calm. Luhan stops immediately, blushing at the sight of the younger's big eyes fixed attentively on him. "I care about you."

Luhan sees Kyungsoo walking closer, then the boy takes the pajama from his hands and looks slightly up, letting him meet his gentle expression.

"I really do, and seeing you like that, when my grandfather left was.. awful, but this doesn't mean you own me any explanation."

Shaking his head, Luhan lets his composure melt at the boy's words. "I don't want you to worry over me, Kyungsoo, but at the same time, I don't know how to prevent you from doing it."

"You can't." Kyungsoo simply says "I would like to help you, but at the same time, I don't know how to."

The boy lets out an embarrassed smile and Luhan can't help but do the same.

"We're even, hyung."

Luhan laughs softly, leaving a gentle touch on Kyungsoo's cheek as he loses himself in his heart-shaped smile. Kyungsoo then leaves to get changed in his pajama quickly and, as soon as Luhan does the same and comes back in the dining room, they check Luhan's newest TV up and start watching randoms programs together. 

Kyungsoo feels Luhan close, with his bright smile and content face, and feels light inside. He can finally see Luhan as he likes him, bright, and the thought that he may be the reason behind this makes him feel strange and awkward, but happy. He suddenly doesn't care about anything anymore, his grandfather, Luhan's past. 

Luhan laughs at a comical program they are now watching and is the most contagious and joyful thing Kyungsoo has ever seen. He laughs with him, amused at the way Luhan claps his hands almost uncontrollably and his jaw drops.

After almost five minutes without stopping laughing once, Kyungsoo starts fearing for Luhan's sake and slaps his arm playfully, ordering him to go making some tea to calm himself down. Luhan is still smiling widely but he pouts at Kyungsoo's order, obeying as the young doesn't stop slapping his arm and telling him he is killing his ears with his obnoxious laugh. 

"You're a mean dongsaeng."

Kyungsoo smiles at the accuse. The tea is almost ready and Luhan is in the kitchen when the apartment's door suddenly rings, making both Luhan and Kyungsoo jump up in shock.

Kyungsoo immediately looks for Luhan's eyes, questioningly, but the older man finds himself simply blinking. It's pretty late, and he has no idea who could be showing up at this hour, so Kyungsoo gets up from the couch, going to open the door as slowly as he can to make sure their guest is not someone harmful in any way.

When he sees who's standing outside, however, he feels his stomach jumping in uneasiness. He opens the door, quickly bending down in a polite bow. 

"Jongin-hyungnim."

The shocked, almost panicked expression on Jongin's face makes Kyungsoo step back slightly before he turns around to meet Luhan's eyes, finding them lost and already so numb he shivers. 

The two men look at each other and Kyungsoo feels like he is being forced assisting to something too big, too incompressible for him. With his and Luhan's smiles forgotten already, he steps back even more and moves close to Luhan.

"I'm going to bed, hyung." he says, and Luhan barely nods. 

When Kyungsoo closes the guest room's door behind him, after having greeted Jongin's briefly, he feels a horrible sense of deja vu hitting him harshly.

Luhan, on the other hand, feels it hitting him even more.

"Jongin." he says aloud, almost as to make sure the man in front of him, with those dark eyes and numb expression, is really there.

He doesn't wait for an answer and only moves closer to the other, lifting accusatory eyes up.

"What are you doing here? How did you find me?"

"Were you hiding?" Jongin answers, his voice nothing more than a rough whisper, and Luhan breathes heavily at the feeling it gives him "I didn't know Kyungsoo-sshi was here."

"You shouldn't have looked for me in the first place." 

Jongin sighs at his words, keeping his head down and breaking the aching eye-contact with he other. "Yeonsu told me about the photo." He says, as trying to explain his presence there.

Luhan feels his stomach writhe, Jongin continues. "I wanted to apologize. Kyungsoo-sshi was there, too."

"Do you think this is the point?" shaking his head, Luhan has Jongin looking up at his sorrowful expression "It's been seventeen years, Jongin, seventeen long years. You are a husband, and a father and I suddenly have your own child telling me you have a photo of me in your wallet."

Luhan feels the memories of the moment hitting him hard as he speaks, like all the feels he has felt back then are coming back two times harder this time, with Jongin standing in from of eyes.

"A photo even your child knows about, Jongin," he continues, trying his best to keep his voice low "I'm not ing dead."

"Excuse me for thinking you were, Luhan." Jongin says then, and the desperation in his voice makes Luhan fall silent "You haven't even said goodbye, not even told me 'Hey Jongin, you know what, I'm leaving because I hate you', none. You just disappeared, from one day to another, like you were a ing ghost!"

Luhan sees tears forming in Jongin's eyes and gasps, doing his best not to fall down himself. 

"Am I that much of an awful man for keeping a photo of the only person I've ever loved in my wallet?" Jongin asks then, in a shaking, low voice, before he finally cries his pain out and Luhan shuts his eyes close, shaking his head to send those words far away.

"Please, Jongin, don't. Don't."

Jongin ignores him. He takes a step forward and takes a hold of Luhan's wrists with his hands, tight and desperate, forcing the shorter man closer and Luhan doesn't fight, finding himself trapped staring into wet, deep eyes.

"Why did you leave?" Jongin whispers "Tell me why, Luhan, answer the question I can't help asking to the sky every ing, grey morning of my life."

Again, Luhan can't nothing more than shake his head, and Jongin holds him tighter. 

"Just tell me why."

"Does it even matter?" Luhan finally says, voicing his anger despite the obviousness of his voice shaking.

Jongin pulls him closer, almost painfully, with his fingers wrapped tight around his wrists. "Luhan, please."

"It won't change anything." Luhan insists, this time fighting to free himself from the hold "I'm not back to destroy your life, Jongin. Let me go."

"Destroy my life?" Jongin asks "I don't have one since you left."

Luhan feels the desperation in the other's words and his heart aches. He wants to yell at him, tell him he should have already moved forward, but he can't. He had been the one leaving, not the one being left behind. 

Even if it hurts just as much, Luhan can't even imagine what Jongin has gone through. Their love was just this strong.

"Jongin.." Luhan closes his eyes, begging the other to stop crying, but any word he would like to say doesn't seem appropriate enough to be voiced.

"I've always thought that if you ever came back, it would have been for me."

Jongin forces his tears not to fall anymore as he looks at Luhan for a sign, just the smallest one, but Luhan only shakes his head and moves away every second more.

"I've let you go." Luhan whispers "I've been a coward, and I've let you go. And if you ever let go.. it was not meant to be."

Jongin realizes, as he hears those words clear and painful in his ears, that nothing in his entire life has ever hurt so much. 

Pieces of his happy past, the only reaming ones, which had resisted all this time in the slightest hope to ever have Luhan back, fall apart in the slowest and most painful way, and Jongin is left number than he has ever felt.

He meets Luhan's teary eyes, thinking that suddenly all his tears seems to have frozen, because he feels numb even of them. Luhan shakes, falling into his deep abyss of lies, and Jongin can nothing if not letting himself fall, too.

But even in that fall, they are not together. 

Luhan impassibly stares at the floor as Jongin leaves, shutting the door behind him and making a soft noise that, in the emptiness of the space around, seems like a loud thump. He whispers an imperceptible 'I'm sorry' to the air floating around.

There is nothing left to say.

He goes sitting on his couch, unfocused eyes still on the floor, and his mind torturing him with memories.

He doesn't need to turn around when a pair of tiny arms wrap around his back, tight, impossibly strong. Kyungsoo quietly sits next to him, never breaking the hug, and suddenly the entire apartment is filled with nothing more than Luhan's tears. 

Kyungsoo has his eyes closed tightly as he hugs the older man with all his strength, feeling so useless, so small, but there's nothing more he can do. As he hears Luhan's crying, he can't help thinking of how only a few minutes earlier he was laughing joyfully next to him.

"I should have never come back." Luhan whispers then, and Kyungsoo understands how broken he is has been left all of sudden.

"What are you talking about." he scolds, only letting out a small sound though "You were the one telling me you feel home, here."

Luhan lets his tears stop before he moves slightly away and Kyungsoo removes his arm from his body, staring into him with his immense eyes. 

"Is home supposed to hurt so much?" 

Kyungsoo can't answer, Luhan knows he can't. 

The younger boy only takes his hands to hold them tight in his own, keeping his eyes down at those fingers interlacing. He leans his body closer to Luhan's one, letting the older man rest against him, head falling on Kyungsoo's soft hair. Luhan closes his eyes when Kyungsoo wraps an arm around his body and presses him against his side, letting his body speak for himself, and hoping Luhan will understand. 

Luhan does.

You still have me.

As Kyungsoo holds him so close, so innocently, Luhan can't help but feel all the bad of the world disappearing. 

Maybe it's wrong, but in Kyungsoo's tiny arms, close to Kyungsoo's big heart, Luhan feels hopeful.

-

A/N

Aigo, this chapter was one of the hardest one to write because I hate angst but still ;_;

I wish you will enjoy, and most important that all of you have spent a merry Christmas! 

Thank you for your support <3