More Than The Air I Breathe

Chapter 2

Luhan adjusts to his new life in Korea like he has never left in the first place.

God knows how much he hated England, how lonely he never stopped feeling there. 

After his mother's death nothing had remained of his family and Luhan had moved far away to start anew, create his own family, his own path. Nothing had gone as planned, though, and Luhan had found himself drowning in the only thing he was good at; his job.

He had lost the ability to love after his traumatizing past experience, and he decided English would be the only love of his life, for his own sake. 

Back in Korea, he still feels the same about the matter but having found Hyeri again, he also feels a new sun raising to lighten his grey life up.

Luhan smiles in a way he hasn't smiled for so many years now.

Hyeri treats him like she used to do in the past, like those seventeen years never passed, and it makes Luhan grateful even if he knows he doesn't deserve it. They hit each other playfully, watch old photos and remember old stories, when everything used to be easy and life was all about school and movies with friends. 

Then, there's Kyungsoo.

Luhan feels a little uneasy sharing home with him during this transitory period.

Kyungsoo is a very reserved boy, quiet and polite, and Luhan can't help but feel like a stranger, which he is after all, whenever he sees Kyungsoo blushing at him during mornings, getting changed into his clothes before coming for breakfast because of his shyness, asking him in nothing more than a whisper if he would like him to cook something when Hyeri is off to work.

Still, Luhan loses himself in Kyungsoo's eyes often when they talk. He thinks they are as big as they were when Kyungsoo was nothing more than an infant, the thought making him smile sweetly. He also thinks those big, round eyes hide so much, but Kyungsoo's beauty may be right there, in the way he half-smiles and blushes, trying to fit into this big, scary world.

He is so different from his mother.

"What are you going to do tonight?" Luhan casually asks the boy during lunch, on Saturday. He can't help thinking Kyungsoo seems like the kind of boy who would just go for a movie with his friends. 

Kyungsoo lifts his big, surprised eyes up and Luhan loses himself in them again, awkwardness bursting into the room. "Usually, Baekhyun-hyung and I get a pizza and watch a movie together, here. Something like that." 

Luhan smiles gently, nodding. 

"Do you have plans, Luhan-hyung?" Kyungsoo asks then, serving him other kimchi despite Luhan not asking. 

Luhan is still very hungry, though. "I don't, but don't worry. I will leave you guys to your things."

Kyungsoo looks at the man's beautiful face and gentle smile and feels his stomach writhe, suddenly too full for any other food. He feels so impolite for not protesting, asking Luhan if he would like to stay instead of just wandering around the city with nothing to do, but his mouth can't voice his objections.

Why would a 34 years-old want to spend his Saturday night with two teenagers, after all.

"Kyungsoo, you are so hopeless." Baekhyun scolds him later, as soon as he enters his apartment with a Monopoly box in his hands "It was so impolite of you to just say nothing! You practically forced Luhan-hyung out."

Kyungsoo sighs.

Luhan has already left by now, and calling him back is not on the list Kyungsoo could ever get to do at this point. He observes Baekhyun thinking hard until the boy throws the Monopoly on the couch and starts jumping around him, clearly enlightened by a great idea. 

"Call your mom for a moment, Kyungie." Baekhyun exclaims and Kyungsoo frowns, because Baekhyun only calls him that when he has really absurd ideas in his mind "I know what we're gonna do tonight."

Meanwhile, almost at the other side of the city, Luhan quietly walks around with his headphones on.

He still hasn't bought a car, being in Korea for less than two weeks, and feels extremely strange in wandering around the beautiful, lively, bright Seoul he has missed so much just like the old times, when he was only a teenager with few coins in his pockets. 

With a soft, melancholic smile, he decides to go watching a movie to spend the night, opting for a simple romantic comedy with a bit of humor in it. He buys himself a ridiculously large amount of gummy bears, he has always loved those, and tries to ignore the looks half of the people in the room send him as he sits down. 

Luhan smirks, thinking he should have imagined it, being alone watching a romantic movie.

The entire night, even when he goes to Mc Donald's to eat the junk food he really adores, he pretends he doesn't hear excited little screams coming from groups of girls at his sight, the shy advances of a few guys, and smiles politely at a girl who tries to start a conversation at the bus stop before running away quickly. 

He only heads back to Hyeri and Kyungsoo's apartment when he thinks it's late enough for Kyungsoo and Baekhyun's night to be over, headphones on again, and has to admit he feels light and satisfied with his lonely night after all. Everything in Seoul is better, even if nothing much has changed from his lonely life in Oxford.

Then he arrives to his destination and, meeting a pair of shoes on his way to the condo's entrance, he looks up.

Luhan turns into stone.

The man in front of him has his back on the wall, arms crossed and head down. He has his eyes closed but as soon as he senses a presence he opens them and looks up, a flat expression quickly breaking into a shocked one at Luhan's sight.

After a moment of heavy silent, the man voices a strangled noise.

"Luhan."

Luhan feels like fainting, his legs suddenly losing their strength. 

The tan-skinned, tall, dark-haired man hurries to Luhan's side in a matter of seconds, holding his arms tightly as Luhan loses his balance and almost falls down on the floor. Luhan, with his breath held in his throat, looks up to meet wide opened and teary eyes staring at him. 

Before he can even blink, he gets pulled into a suffocating hug.

"Seventeen years," he hears aching whispers "Seventeen years since you left."

Luhan shuts his eyes closed at the deep breaths escaping the other's mouth, feeling his unprepared heart breaking at each of them. He buries his face into the man's chest, forcing tears not to fall.

"How could you. How Luhan, how."

Luhan bites his lips so hard they almost bleed.

Here is his first love, his traumatizing past experience, Kim Jongin. 

Luhan can't say anything, too shocked to find him appearing there too sudden and unexpected to give him time to think of what to do and how to feel. He only rests in Jongin's tight hug, unable to lift his gaze up to meet the face of that man he has hurt so much.

Jongin does nothing if not breathing in his ears, heavily, and Luhan's body shivers as he speaks on his skin again.

"Seventeen years." Jongin repeats "The same as our age when you left."

As Jongin brings shaking hands to cup Luhan's face and forces him to meet his eyes, a silent tear falls from them.

"I lived half of my miserable life without you." 

Luhan feels his heart beating so fast it prevents him from breathing properly, and he instinctively shifts away from Jongin's hold with a strangled noise.

Jongin lets go with no fights, observing the other with a surrendered face.

It wasn't supposed to hurt so much, after all those years, but it does. Luhan finds the courage to meet Jongin's eyes again and shivers at how numb they appear to be.

He would like to say he is sorry, he is deeply sorry for making it so hard on everyone, but his voice wouldn't come out.

'Sorry' is the numbest and less meaningful word in the entire word, and Luhan knows it way too well. 

If only he could have had the chance to explain, back then.

Jongin doesn't let him drown into his thoughts and moves closer, his face an unreadable and almost blank book that makes Luhan feel his body trembling uncontrollably.  Jongin lets a shaking finger fly up to trace the line of his face, blankly.

"You are just as beautiful as before, Luhan." Luhan shakes "If not more."

With his lips trembling, Luhan sniffs. Strangled whispers come out from his mouth before he can't even think. "I'm just a horrible person. You are not. I don't deserve any of your tears, Jongin. I never did."

Jongin closes his eyes at those words, slowly he moves his hand away again.

A long and painful pause follows before he whispers back. 

"You have always thought you could decide what's best for me alone."

Luhan's heart breaks just a little more.

As all their past memories force their way to his mind he doesn't look at Jongin anymore, he doesn't watch as another tear falls from Jongin's dark eyes.

"Guess what, Lu?" a bright, seventeen-years-old Jongin jumped in front of a silent Luhan, smiling "I registered both of us at the acceptance test for Yeonsei."

Luhan looked up, his eyes numb, but Jongin still couldn't see them.

"We have to study hard! Graduating in applied music has always been our dream and now-"

"Why have you done this?" Luhan interrupted him, making that happy smile disappear from Jongin's face immediately.

The slightly taller boy looked at him questioningly. "What do you mean? We've always wanted to do this."

Luhan stayed silent for a while, avoiding the other's now worried eyes. "Your parents will never accept."

As hit by cold water, Jongin's entire body tensed.

"I thought we already talked about this," he stated, clenching his fists "I don't care about my parents, Luhan. All I care about is you, me, and our happiness together."

Seventeen-years-old Luhan felt his heart aching at those words, and he quickly moved away from Jongin's hand confidently flying to touch his arm. 

Jongin deeply frowned.

"Luhan."

"You can't do this." Luhan stated, his voice never been so numb "You can't do this, Jongin." 

"Just like I couldn't kiss you because you are a boy, right?" Jongin said back then, his angry voice slowly getting louder and louder "Just like I couldn't take your hand because people would look down at me, right?"

Luhan found himself trapped in Jongin's arms, the boy's hands tightening almost painfully on his shoulders.

"When are you going to stop thinking you can always decide what's best for me alone, Luhan? I love you. I love you and that's all that matters to me!"

It was the day before Luhan's disappearance.

Luhan clenches his fists, forcing his eyes closed to prevent tears from falling. When he opens them again, Jongin has already disappeared, like he has been nothing more than an aching vision, like he has never been there in the first place. 

Weakly, Luhan starts dragging himself on his way back home, each second thinking that what has just happened makes him feel the urge to just burst our crying and let go of all the pain he had hoped he wouldn't have never felt anymore.

He enters the apartment and finds the dining room still lightened by bright lights, surprise hitting him like cold water. The tears he was desperately holding back freeze as he sees Kyungsoo tilting his head up from the couch, immediately getting up and smiling hesitantly at his direction.

"Welcome back," the younger boy says, his polite expression changing into a worried one as he finally looks at Luhan's face properly "Hyung, are you okay? Are you crying?" 

Luhan is shaken by the alarmed words. He sniffs, a forced smile forming on his lips as he hurries to reassure Kyungsoo nothing is wrong. 

"I drank I beer I shouldn't have drunk." he throws there in a whisper, his body still shaking violently and eyes too wet. 

Kyungsoo looks at him carefully, attentive, and Luhan watches as the boy's expression panics after a few seconds of thinking. 

"Hyung, you should be careful." Kyungsoo says, hurrying to take Luhan's arm to gently invite him to take a seat and then serving him a glass of water. 

Luhan smiles a weak smile, grateful, and tries to collect his breath. "What are you doing still up, Kyungsoo?"

"I was waiting for you." Kyungsoo informs with a shy smile.

Luhan observes the younger boy moving around the room quickly, taking a laptop up from the couch and then coming back to Luhan's side to put it on the table. He meets Luhan's questioning gaze and an embarrassed expression forms on his chubby face.

"This is my laptop and this," Kyungsoo points a finger on an icon standing on the bright screen "Is something Baekhyun-hyung and me filmed for you."

Luhan narrows his eyebrows, surprised, but Kyungsoo doesn't let him saying anything that starts speaking again.

"Since you're back, you can watch it now. I hope it will be worth it."

Luhan blinks, even more confused now that Kyungsoo hurries to run away before he can say anything like a scared puppy. With a bright flush on his cheeks, the boy wishes him a quick goodnight and disappears in his room, leaving Luhan staring and blinking with a very lost expression on his face.

Kyungsoo makes Luhan smile, though.

He gets up and takes the laptop back on the couch, curious at this unexpected event and tired enough not to change himself before pulling a blanket over his legs and putting headphones on.

He desperately wants to remove Jongin's sight and voice from his mind, and the two young boys now appearing on the screen seem to be the a good way to try to.

"Luhan-hyung, hello." Baekhyun greets brightly, and Luhan sees him sending a look to a shy Kyungsoo besides him, inciting to greet as well. Luhan smiles.

"We wanted to apologize for not asking you to stay tonight, making you feel like a burden." Baekhyun continues, taking his face closer to the camera and then whispering "It's officially Kyungsoo's fault, though, right?"

"Hyung!" Kyungsoo protests in the video, hitting the older's arm. Baekhyun laughs childishly and then continues, leaving Kyungsoo pouting in the back.

"To apologize, hyung, Kyungsoo and I thought of singing a song for you."

Luhan watches as Baekhyun takes a classic guitar out of nowhere, smiling brightly while Kyungsoo only nods, the flush on his cheeks visible even through the screen. 

"Mom says this is your favorite song," the shorter boy finally speaks up, revealing a shy smile "I hope she is right, and that my pronunciation will be fine."

"Kyungsoo has studied the lyrics very diligently tonight." Baekhyun proudly announces then, gaining another slap on his arm. 

Luhan laughs softly, a strange feeling in his stomach at these boys' unexpected gentleness. He watches as the two students get ready, anticipating their performance with curiosity. He knows they are both studying applied music at Yeonsei, and Hyeri has also said something about Kyungsoo and his best friend having heavenly voices, but he never got the chance to hear them before.

Baekhyun starts playing the guitar, producing a melody Luhan immediately recognizes. 

Then Kyungsoo starts singing, and Luhan loses his breath.

Kyungsoo's soft, powerful yet shooting voice sings an old Chinese song Luhan had always loved, since he was a kid, and Luhan can't help bust gasp. The boy's voice makes his mind go blank, stomach bouncing in his body at its beauty. Kyungsoo sings with his eyes closed, softly, so carful and still perfect in pronouncing the foreign language that Luhan stares in awe.

His day, but his entire world also, turns upside down. 

Everything disappears from his mind during the performance, and Luhan can't help but replaying it over and over again until his eyes beg to be shut closed and he turns the laptop off, writes a thankful note on a piece of paper for Kyungsoo to read in the morning and leaves the two objects on the kitchen's table.

That note doesn't express his gratefulness at the two friend's king thought at all, but Luhan lets it pass for the moment.

He lays down on the couch again, the events of the day quickly flashing in his mind as soon as he closes his eyes. He bites his lips at the thought of Jongin and his numb eyes, wondering if he could really be nothing more than a vision and forcing himself not to ache, not again, not anymore.

Jongin was supposed to be kilometers away from there, and Luhan feels something dragging him down hopelessly at he thought that the man was not, that he was there, in his same city. Jongin has looked for him.

Luhan presses his face in his pillow and finally bursts out crying, letting out all the tears he has managed to hold back to prevent the gentle Kyungsoo for worrying.

With a heavy heart, he hears Kyungsoo's beautiful voice play in his head, hopeful it will be enough to lull him into sleep.

-

A/N

As usual, I would like to apologize for any grammatical mistake if you find some ;_;

And, what do you think for now? Any thoughts? 

Let me know your first impression based on the first chapters, and thank your reading <3