Sehun can’t shake the dirty feeling off of him. It’s like he’s been dipped in mud, mud that clings to his skin no matter how hard he scrubs.

He rings the bell and toes at the cracked cement pathway leading to Jongdae’s door. The sound of the bell echoes inside the house but no one answers.

Sehun is about to turn away when the door opens.

“Sehun?”

The addressed boy smiles weakly.

Jongdae’s surprised expression hardens and he’s about to swing the door closed, but Sehun hurriedly stomps down on the threshold.

“Can I come in?” he asks.

“You can off, that's what you can do,” Jongdae replies but Sehun barrels past him and into the house.

“What do you want, Sehun?” the older boy asks.

“I want to explain myself.”

Jongdae laughs and pulls out a chair at the kitchen table. “Really.”

“Really,” Sehun insists, “I really do. I’m sorry for everything that’s happened, I made Jongin promise not to hurt you-”

“And you actually believed him,” Jongdae says in a tired voice. “Kim Jongin doesn’t keep his promises. You and I both know he’d get bored of not being able to smack me around.”

Sehun sits across from Jongdae and grasps the shorter boy’s fingers.

“I’m sorry.”

Jongdae’s black and blue eyes stare into his.

He rips his hands from Sehun’s hold.

“Don’t give me that bull, Sehun. You know what? you. . You.” Jongdae’s black and blue eyes hold tears of anger. “Saying sorry doesn’t fix this. Saying sorry won’t make the pain go away. Do you know how I’ve been living lately? Everyday, I’m harassed for being gay. Every week I get beat up so bad that I wish they would just kill me. Every second I ask myself what I did wrong for them to hate me- what I did wrong for you to hate me.

“I thought if I had you by my side, I would be okay. But you left me, Sehun. I get it if you got tired. I get it if you wanted to make new friends. Hell, I get it if you hate me for being gay. This, though,” Jongdae sobs, “this is worse. You sided with the people who hate me. The people who make me want to die. The people who want me to die. You knew they were doing this yet you didn’t stop them. You never held me, never called me, never looked at me.”

Sehun’s heart lodges itself in his throat.

Jongdae continues, “I don’t care that you party and drink and have with girls all the time. I only cared about you. I cared, but I guess you don’t care about me at all. So you, Oh Sehun. you for being a piece of who thinks he can keep me breathing with a simple sorry.”

“Jongdae-”

“You see this?” Jongdae pulls down the collar of his shirt. A raised, pink line is visible on his pale neck. “Donghae gave me this. He said if I ever wanted to hang myself, I could use this scar to know where to tie the rope.”

Sehun feels sick. “I…”

It’s amazing, huh? No, it’s not.

You have considerate friends, Sehun. What did they do to you?

Maybe I’ll take him up on his offer some time. What did I do to you?

“I need you, Jongdae,” Sehun says, voice strained.

The older boy scoffs. “ you.”

Sehun wraps Jongdae into a hug. Tears seep through his shirt but he only pays attention to the bruised boy in his arms.

“Please,” he whispers.

Jongdae shoves him away. “Get out of my house.”

“Jongdae, please!”

“Get the out of my house!” Jongdae shouts. His chest is heaving. “Get. Out.”

Sehun stumbles onto the stone steps leading up to the door and looks pleadingly at Jongdae.

“ off, Sehun,” Jongdae mumbles, and slams the door shut.

Minseok rubs a comforting hand on Jongdae's quivering back.

"Ah, Chen. You shouldn't have come in for work today."

Jongdae sniffs and rubs at his eyes. "No. I shouldn't let Sehun get to me."

Baekhyun pulls up a stool and adds, "It's completely natural that you do, though. Jongdae, you like Sehun. It's okay to feel this way."

Yifan rolls his eyes, saying, "That's surprisingly good advice but honestly, Baekhyun, you shouldn't be giving it out if you haven't fixed the you're swimming in with Kyungsoo."

The mentioned man flushes and turns away.

Baekhyun frowns. “Okay, you have a point, but we should focus on Jongdae right now. Seriously man, you look like . Do you want us to beat Sehun up for you?”

Jongdae flinches at the thought. He has experience with cold fists and cruel words. He doesn’t wish that upon anyone, no matter how awful they’ve treated him.

“No, I’d rather just forget him,” Jongdae sighs, tossing his Kleenex into the trash. “Can we not talk about this anymore?”

The rest of the group silently agrees and a new conversation sparks.

Jongdae leans back against a crate of new releases as the atmosphere in the backroom slowly drains of tension. He’s still drained from the confrontation with Sehun yesterday and he dreads going back to school on Monday.

A warm palm smoothes circles onto his back and Jongdae sends a grateful smile up at Kyungsoo.

“You’re going to feel better,” Kyungsoo states firmly. “Maybe not now, and maybe not tomorrow, but you will someday. Keep your chin up, okay?”

Jongdae nods, although it’s hard to keep your chin up when you want to hide your tears.

“Sehun darling, are you alright?”

Sehun sighs into his dinner. “Yeah, Mom.”

Mrs Oh purses her lips and studies him disapprovingly. “Don’t lie to me, Sehun. I know when something’s bothering you.” She reaches out for his hand, and in a softer tone, says, “It’s okay if you don’t tell me. I just want you to know that I’m here for you, okay?”

Sehun nods gratefully, but in the back of his mind he thinks Jongdae’s mother never treats him like this. Mrs Kim has never been affectionate to her son and Sehun wants his mom to know that he appreciates her.

“Thanks, Mom. Really,” he says. He hopes she hears the sincerity in his voice- by the way she smiles at him, Sehun knows she did.

Jongdae finds that he’s been spending more time with Kyungsoo lately, both in and out of the store. Maybe it’s because they’re the closest in age, maybe it’s because Kyungsoo knows what it’s feel like to love someone who will never love you back. Maybe.

He realizes that Baekhyun doesn’t enjoy this one bit when the older man texts him at five in the morning, asking to meet at a 24 hour cafe.

“Are you and Kyungsoo dating now?”

Jongdae’s eyes, hazy with sleep, snap open.

“Wait, what-”

“Because, like,” Baekhyun continues, cheeks red, “if you’re using him to get over Sehun, that’s pretty ed up. And I’m pretty sure Kyungsoo would never agree to be used like that, you know? I’m just saying.”

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae says, laughing, “I’m not dating Kyungsoo.”

The other man takes a sip of his decaf. “Oh.”

Jongdae grins at him. “We’ve just gotten closer as friends, that’s all. I’m actually going to meet him for lunch today. I would let you tag along, but, you know…”

“Actually, I don’t,” Baekhyun says quietly. “I don’t know what I did to make Kyungsoo hate me.” He looks fearfully at Jongdae. “He doesn’t hate me, does he?”

“No,” Jongdae sighs. “Kyungsoo’s just confused.”

Baekhyun rotates his cup in both hands, seemingly troubled. “Then what happened? Do you know? Did he tell you?”

Jongdae recounts the day at the club, the talk he had with Kyungsoo, the insecurities the wide-eyed man had, and the way Baekhyun danced with the stranger.

“He likes you,” Jongdae informs him. “Kyungsoo likes you a lot. You told me that he would fall for you eventually, hyung. And you were right.”

Baekhyun looks even miserable. “I did that grinding with a random chick because I felt frustrated. About Kyungsoo, I mean. I thought I was wearing him away but then I don’t know, he’s like a rock- solid, unmoving. I,” Baekhyun falters, “I just wanted someone to touch me. You’re a couple years younger and in high school so I don’t think you understand, but that night, I felt really lonely and… needy. I wanted to let go for a while. So I grabbed the nearest girl, and…” He takes another shaky sip.

“I had some alcohol and my head was buzzing so I didn’t think of any consequences. I didn’t think Kyungsoo was watching. I didn’t think he would get hurt,” Baekhyun whispers. “I thought he was incapable of being hurt. But I guess I was wrong.”

They sit in silence, finishing their coffees and watching the sun rise. It’s when Baekhyun puts his empty cup down that the silence is broken.

“You should talk to him,” Jongdae says. “Get the feelings straightened out. You can’t keep ignoring each other forever.”

“Yeah,” Baekhyun replies. He stares down into his cup and says, “I wish liking someone was easier. Emotions .”

You can say that again.

When Jongdae heads home from the cafe, craving much needed sleep, he slips on ice and trips into a snowbank.

His palms sting from scrabbling at the ground and wetness is seeping onto his knees, but Jongdae simply rolls over onto a dry patch of ground and cries.

He doesn’t know why he’s sitting on the sidewalk bawling. All he knows is that he’s cold, and his hands hurt, and his heart hurts, and he has no best friend anymore, and he’s so ing lonely. Jongdae is so ing lonely.

“You alright, kid?”

Jongdae sniffs and nods. A hand, wrinkled with age, helps him up and Jongdae looks tearily into the concerned face of an elderly man.

“I saw you fall. Looks like you’re having yourself a bad day.”

“Sort of,” Jongdae responds quietly.

The old man, a jar of lemon drops tucked under one arm, claps a hand on Jongdae’s back. “Sorry, son. I would stay and chat with you, but I’ve got a dinner with the wife in ten minutes.” He gives Jongdae’s back another pat and continues on his way.

“Wait!”

The old man turns around.

“How did your wife come to love you? And how… how did you two stay together so long?”

The aged man is silent for a moment.

“Mutual trust,” comes the reply. “We had faith in each other no matter how hard the times were. And when the trust is broken, well, you’ve got to do everything in your power to piece it back together again. Without trust, love is incomplete. Love cannot stand on its own. In a way, it needs crutches, you see?”

“Yes, but-”

“Don’t believe the words ‘love is perfect.’ Love is only as perfect as the people who share it. In a relationship, you’ll need to understand that as well.”

The elder smiles and tips his head at Jongdae. “I’ll be on my way now. I’m late.”

Jongdae watches him amble away, and waves timidly although the other cannot see it.

When he goes back home, Jongdae finds a lemon drop in his pocket.

A/N: it's been exactly a month since i last updated oops