Jongdae can’t be found anywhere. He always eats lunch in Junmyeon’s classroom, making it impossible for Sehun to have a private conversation with him when the teacher is right there. Jongdae manages to slip away from Sehun’s notice after the bell signaling the end of school every day, and no one answers the door at his house besides Jongdae’s mother. Sehun can’t get to him at the music store, either.

So he just gives up.

Sehun stops trying to grab onto Jongdae’s uniform to catch his attention. He stops ringing the doorbell, he stops popping his head into Junmyeon’s room as soon as lunch period starts.

Maybe it’s for the best, he thinks. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what to say to him. Maybe it’s for the best that we just stop.

The problem is, Sehun doesn’t want to stop. He wants Jongdae to be with him forever. He wants sleepovers, food fights, water guns, arguments over video games, everything. Without Jongdae, everything feels wrong.

Jongdae, is it not the same for you?

Sehun hates his best friend for blocking him out but he hates himself for just watching as it happens. He hates himself even more when his eyes fall on Jongdae’s face in the hallway and feels his heart flutter like the wings of a distressed butterfly.

Jongdae doesn’t do anything but study.

His friends at XOXO Music can do nothing but look on as he falls apart, washed away in an endless cycle of Sehun, scholarship, work, and parents.

Jongdae himself doesn’t even know what to do anymore. All he knows is that he needs to get away from this place and the emotions choking him.

“Have the kids at school stopped harassing you?”

Jongdae freezes at his spot in front of a stack of magazines. “What?”

“The bullies,” Kyungsoo continues. “Have they stopped?”

It’s after hours and they’re all cleaning up so everyone is gathered at the front of the store, able to hear the conversation. Suddenly all eyes are on Jongdae. Kyungsoo’s gaze is like steel.

“I’ve never been bull-”

“-,” Kyungsoo finishes for him, voice hard, “bull bull bull. We’ve seen the bruises and the way you never talk about school. Let me ask you again. Have they stopped giving you trouble?”

“Yes,” Jongdae answers. He feels slightly exhausted. “Everything ended a long time ago.”

A collective sigh of relief sounds through the room and clean-up is resumed- however, Kyungsoo is not sated so easily.

“You never tell us anything anymore,” he whispers, like every word weighs a hundred pounds, like every word hurts him. “Why won’t you let us help you?”

Jongdae’s shoulders sag. Heat prickles at his eyes but he fights the urge to cry. No more tears. Not anymore.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “No, don’t be sorry, Jongdae.”

“Then what? What do I need to do?”

Warm arms encircle him and Jongdae glances back to see Baekhyun’s soft smile.

“You don’t have to do anything, Jongdae,” the older man says. “Just trust us, alright? All of us. We’re here for you and we’re here to stay.”

The end of high school is only a week away and seniors are forced to partake in the ceremony rehearsal. It’s a lot of frustration and tight spaces and shoving and sweat to the sounds of swishing robes and shouting teachers.

Sehun grimaces as a girl tries to push her chest in his face, making it look accidental every time the front of her uniform rubs up against his cheek as the students are herded to the stage and the chairs simultaneously.

He squints at Jongin and Jongdae a few feet away, who have been placed next to each other for the ceremony. They seem to be making a conscious effort not to look at each other. Jongdae’s fingers rub along the scar on his neck.

“I’m sorry,” Jongin mumbles.

It’s so quiet and so unlike Jongin that Sehun doesn’t actually believe he’s heard it.

Jongdae stiffens and turns to Jongin. “What?”

“I said that I’m sorry,” Jongin grits out. “I’m sorry for all the we did to you. It was fun I guess, but I realize now that hurting someone the way I did is wrong. It makes me less human, you know?”

Sehun inches closer.

“Thank you,” Jongdae whispers.

Jongin smiles and looks down at his sneakers. “Yeah. I just. Wanted you to know. Before we all separate for college. Where are you going, by the way?”

Jongdae’s mouth opens to answer but a teacher interrupts with a mic to direct students. Sehun sighs in disappointment. He never found out where Jongdae enrolled but he probably would soon. He’ll just have to wait for Jongdae to talk to him again, to look at him again.

The clinking of chopsticks against plates is the only sound and Jongdae feels like he’s going to choke. This is supposed to be a family dinner. But there is no light chatter of laughter in the Kim house- at least, not when Jongdae is involved.

“Mother?” He says tentatively. “Mother, Father, the graduation ceremony is next Saturday, and parents are-” expected “-allowed to come.”

Mr Kim ‘hmm’s, not even looking up from his soup. “I still work on Saturdays, Jongdae. I’ll be needed at the company.”

His mother says nothing, but her silence speaks volumes.

“But you’re my father!” Jongdae protests. “Surely you can take one day off-”

“Jongdae!” his father roars. A new kind of quiet crackles in the air. “I said I would be needed at the company. You’re old enough to understand what that means. Ask your mother to go.”

Jongdae turns to her, but she refuses to meet his eyes, opting to stare out of the window at the setting sun.

He throws down his napkin and stands. “Yes. I do understand. I understand that you couldn’t care less about me.” There is no reaction from his parents and something else inside Jongdae breaks.

“You’re the only family I have,” he heaves, pushing the tears away, “so please.”

“Enough,” his father says gruffly.

Jongdae draws himself up with a shuddering breath. “Alright,” he says. He turns and runs to his room, curling up on his bed, and only then does he allows himself to cry.

It’s so hot, too hot. The air is heavy and humid; people are only half paying attention to the names being called.

Sehun watches under lazy eyelids as students he doesn’t quite recall even after going to the same school with them for years scurry up and off stage to receive certificates, present speeches, and receive gifts and congratulations.

The name “Kim Jongdae” is called and Sehun immediately snaps to attention, sitting up and looking around.

Jongdae’s parents are nowhere to be found.

The older boy makes his way to the stage, biting his lip. The principal smiles at him and hands Jongdae his diploma.

“Ah yes, Kim Jongdae here is one of our top students!” she gushes. Jongdae grins awkwardly as she continues, “he’s even won scholarships to various prestigious American colleges- such as Cornell, Yale, Sta-”

Jongdae coughs loudly and the principal giggles.

“Well, Jongdae, congratulations on your acceptance to John Hopkins University! I’m sure you’ll make a lovely doctor.”

There’s a smatter of polite applause while the principal dotes on Jongdae a bit more. Sehun slumps in his chair, head reeling.

John Hopkins. That’s so far away, it’s like Jongdae picked it out on purpose just to escape this place.

He probably did, Sehun thinks. If I were in his shoes, I would’ve done the same thing…

But Sehun isn’t in Jongdae’s shoes. He couldn’t possibly know what runs through Jongdae’s mind. He couldn’t know how Jongdae longs to be free, how much Jongdae studied and stayed up late to even think of applying for scholarships to famous foreign universities. Sehun couldn’t know Jongdae’s pain.

“Hey, hey, wait up-”

Fingers curl around Jongdae’s elbow and he lurches back, surprised. Sehun, with deep brown pools for eyes, stares at him sadly.

“Are you really leaving?”

Jongdae nods.

The fingers slip from his skin and Sehun takes a step backwards.

“Hyung, can we talk?”

“What is there to talk about?” Jongdae laughs. It sounds gritty to his ears.

“There are so many things,” Sehun argues. “We need to talk about that night.” In my kitchen. The night you kissed me are the words unsaid.

When Jongdae doesn’t say anything, Sehun presses on. “I keep thinking about it, hyung. I keep thinking about you. And you know I’m not gay, but- but I, I just can’t get you out of my head, and now I’m going to lose you,” he whispers. “Can we try this? Can we try us?”

“No,” Jongdae says, then shouts, “No! Sehun, you can’t do this to me! In a month, I’ll be gone, you can’t just!” He exhales sharply and runs a hand through his hair. “Why now? I’ve waited so long for you, but there’s never going to be a right time for-”

Sehun grasps Jongdae’s hand. “Hyung, please.”

Jongdae shakes his head, “no, no, no,” he moans, “why are you doing this to me?”

He turns and runs, this time letting tears fall freely, not knowing where to go or what to do or what to think or what to feel. He’s so afraid of feeling.

“Because I care about you,” Sehun replies, the wind carrying his words away to a place where Jongdae’s ears cannot hear them. “Because my heart burns whenever you cross my mind.”

lmao do u guys hate me yet for

1) not updating consistently

2) this cat and mouse game

3) my dumb writing

4) surprise jongdae's not going to cornell

oh also i run a chen fanfic recommendation blog! click here