Chapter Six: 

[ the first fan ]

credits going out to the enchanted graphic shop

 ( past ) 

Staring blankly at the equation, I let out a deep and frustrated sigh.

There are bits of eraser shreds littered all over my exercise book. For the past fifteen minutes I’ve tried every possible method to solve the equation, resulting in me vigorously rubbing out the wrong attempted solutions.

Let's just say my head isn't with it tonight – not that it ever is, anyway.

Prior to cram school, Jonghoon had talked me into hanging out with the Yearbook committee. From the meeting, it had left me irritable because it seemed more like a socialising committee considering nobody had anything to submit to me! All of them were delayed, which inevitably would make it more troublesome for me as they had dubbed me as the compiler in addition to being their Yearbook Designer.

How could I design something when I don't have anything to work with? Damn it, Jonghoon!

“Do you need help?” Wonbin smiles at me.

I naturally smile back. What makes these cram school sessions tolerable is having somebody like Wonbin at my side. Whenever I can't find the solution, he's always been there to guide and help me out.

Wonbin turns back to the previous page in his notebook, displaying the steps of how he had solved the equation. His numbers are neat and eligible and his tactic to solve the equations had, in fact, been simple. For some reason I thought the problem would be more difficult, but when you’re distracted your concentration level tends to dissipate.

“Thanks,” I say, dumbly. “I feel like a complete idiot now.”

He chuckles at me. “It's no big deal.”

Since the tutor has ducked out of the room, we continue to talk.

There's something about Wonbin's personality that makes me comfortable. He's cheerfully pleasant and, despite being tall and quite good looking, he is very approachable. He has the ability to charm anybody. I'm saying this because all the girls, even some boys, are sneaking looks at his direction while we speak. While some people are cautious of Jonghoon and his mischievous ways, everybody knows that Wonbin is the golden boy that everybody fawned over.

I hurriedly copy from his page, while asking him,  “How's the band going?”

It's not a question I find myself asking Jonghoon. It's partly because I know that whenever I did try to discuss his band's future, Jonghoon tends to goofily change the subject. That, and, I don't really know if he wants anybody in our school to know that he’s a guitar prodigy.

“Fine. The company's been drilling us. We want to debut, but then they say we can't use the band studio without paying a room hire fee,” Wonbin grumbles, disheartened. “It's stupid. I guess it's because the owner is starting this music label from scratch. All the trainees are competing like crazy because all of us are aiming to be the first group to debut.”

“Where have you been practicing then?”

“From the park to sneaking into my school's hall. Let's just say many people don't believe us when we tell them we want to use the space to practice. They think we're up to no good...”

I quip back, “When you've got Jonghoon in your band, that's bound to happen.”

“True,” Wonbin smirks. “We're teenagers and everybody expects people to want to be singers and dancing idols. For us to even tell anybody that we want to debut as a band is like we're telling fibs through our teeth.”

“Doesn't it get cold in the park?” I mutter. The weather has been horrible lately and it has been raining frequently for the past week. “How have you been practicing?”

“We haven't.” Wonbin frowns. “They've even been upping security at my school hall so our rehearsals have been on hiatus. My fingers are itching to play my guitar. It's awful.”

I match his frown with my own. I had doubted the band when I had found out about it, but the more I hear about the group from Wonbin, the more I realised how dedicated they really are. Although they do sound like a bunch of immature boys, I can tell that they are desperate to debut.

“And I was looking forward to seeing you play one day,” I say, disappointed.

“Hey, it’ll happen one day,” Wonbin gives a small grin. “Just not now…”

I try to think of other ways, other options until it finally dawns over me.

“I know!” I point at him, getting excited. You can use my basement!”

•••••••••••••••

When Jonghoon parades into my lounge, I contemplate whether it had been the right idea to invite the band over.

He's grinning ear to ear and gives an exaggerated bow when he spots my mother. “Thank you for your hospitality, Mrs. Yoon.”

I roll my eyes as I watch my mother pat his back with amusement at Jonghoon's grand entrance. “It's good to finally see Chaeri's friends here. You're welcome any time.”

Another male enters, grunting as he carries a guitar into the lounge. He's a good head shorter than Jonghoon. He looks reserved, but there's a hint of irritation in his eyes as he shoots a glare at Jonghoon's direction. “I'm not carrying all your things. Help me with my drum set, will you?”

Jonghoon salutes him, obeying the newcomer's orders and leaving the lounge.

I watch the boy carefully place the guitar onto the sofa. When he feels me looking at him, he scratches the back of his head and gives a bashful smile.

“I'm Choi Minhwan. It's a pleasure to meet you.” While Jonghoon had bowed with sarcasm, Minhwan had formally bowed good-naturedly.

Wonbin had mentioned that Minhwan had been the serious one out of all of them in their group.

Jaejin joins in next. I had met him a few times before since Jaejin is good friends with Wonbin and goes to a later class at the same cram school that I go to. He gives a kind smile and, after introductions, asks my mother and I where our basement is. Instead of going back outside to collect the other equipment, he wisely begins the process of moving everything from the lounge to the lower floor.

Soon, the last two boys struggle inside the lounge. They're helping each other carrying an amp, with Wonbin on one side and Hongki on the other. They give a nod of acknowledgement directed at my mother, tersely greeting her through grit teeth as they heave the amp down the staircase.

Hongki's dressed in a pair of tight maroon pants and a baggy yellow shirt with a large smiley face in the centre of it. That's how I could tell that the person was Hongki. Jonghoon and Wonbin had warned me of his eclectic fashionable taste.

“I'm not meant to do this,” Hongki whines. “These are none of my instruments. My instrument is my amazing voice. I'm the lead singer so I deserve special treatment. If I continue this strenuous movement I may lose my voice.”

“Quit complaining,” Wonbin grunts at him. When his gaze catches mine, he winks at me.

When all the boys disappear into the basement my mother gives a giggle. “They're nice boys, aren't they?”

I shrug. “I guess...”

There are no other words that come to mind since it's only now that I've met them all. As for Jonghoon, I wouldn't exactly call him 'nice'. Perhaps Wonbin, yes....but definitely not Jonghoon.

“He wouldn't have liked you making all those boy friends,” My mother says, quietly. If I hadn't been next to her I wouldn't have heard the words. Although it's been years, whenever she speaks of him, I still get hurt.

She's not surprised that I haven't replied. Instead, she mutters with a smile, “Why don't you join them? I'll bring in some beverages and snacks.”

I nod.

Stepping down the staircase I find the boys busily sorting through their equipment. It’s odd seeing the basement all lively again. Heck, I haven't seen the house this bustling for a while.

“Do you play the piano?” Jonghoon asks me.

His eyes are lingering on the checked dusty material that is covering the instrument. I half expect Jonghoon to swoop the material off the piano, but he doesn't.

“No, I'm horrible at playing.” I dismiss. “One of my family members used to.”

In fact, he was wonderful at it...

Jonghoon heads back to his guitar and then begins to tune it around the same time my mother brings in a bowl of corn chips and six cans of soda. I snatch one of the cans and I take a seat on the chair facing opposite to them.

I'm curious to see how this pans out. I may not be the best at playing an instrument, but I know enough to appreciate music. Once upon a time, this room had been swarming with lilting notes that filled the air. I know that having a band practice here will be much different, but I can't help but feel excited. It’s been a long time...

When they start rehearsing, I feel my pulse quicken.

I had thought that they would be recklessly loud, but they're not. In fact, they're performing a ballad. Hongki's singing startles me. His voice is husky and overflowing with emotion. He pierces each high note, but easily can control his voice to sink to a lower tone. With each word he sings, it feels like I can relate to every emotion he interprets through his voice. The band supports him in this. From the soft bass to the light drumming beats; they’re working well together to create a beautiful sound.

The song rolls onto another one, and then another. By now they've done about six songs.

When the last chord is strummed, I find myself clapping at them. The boys looked at me, stunned. However, I can see that they're all smiling at me – the only audience they have, their first fan.

“Let's take a break,” Wonbin suggests. From my blurry vision, I can see him walking towards me.

However, there's a tap on my shoulder.

“Did you like it that much, Chaeri?” Jonghoon asks me.

I sniff, “What?”

“You're crying.”

I only realise it now. Perhaps it's the scarcity of music I'm exposed to lately. Then again, I haven’t made effort to listen to any music. It’s like I’ve been avoiding it. Well, to be honest, I have. I couldn’t rely on music any more because it reminded me of things I didn’t want to think about. So hearing the band playing music in the house was beautiful, yet heart wrenching.

“Hongki's got a great voice. When you initially see him, nobody would ever to expect him to be that good,” Wonbin says, causing Hongki to snarl at him.

I start to give them my input. “To me, you all sounded fantastic. There are things you can work on though. Like the transition in the first song. There are times when the drumming doesn't match the guitar's pace and vice versa-”

Jaejin raises an eyebrow, observing me. “You sure know a lot for somebody who doesn't play.”

“Doesn't mean I can't appreciate music,” I respond. I know Jaejin's about to ask me more, but Jonghoon's got his arm over my shoulder.

I try to push him off, but he doesn't budge. He stirs me away from the other band members and, when nobody sees, he hands out a tissue to me.

I let out a dry laugh at the cute gesture. “I'm fine.”

With the back of my sleeve, I rub the nuisance tears away from my eyes.

“Where's your toilet?” Jonghoon queries. “Why don't you give me a house tour?”

“I'll only give you a tour to the toilet,” I inform him, strictly.

He smirks at my response and takes a step away from me so that I can lead the way. I'm thankful for it because his long arm had been getting heavy when he had been resting it on my shoulder.

We go up the stairs and turn a few times until I nudge my head at the bathroom’s direction. When he goes in, I think whether to leave him and let him find his way back. However, going back to the basement with all the unfamiliar guys made me feel uneasy. Sure, I knew Wonbin...but it wasn't the same.

I hear a flush and the sound of running tap water. A few seconds later Jonghoon's closing the bathroom door behind him.

“So where's your bedroom?” Jonghoon smirks. He sees the first room on our right and uninhibitedly launches the door wide open. “Is it this one? Wow...I didn't know you had a brother.”

I freeze.

Just like having the basement lively and the house filled with music, I hadn't set foot in this bedroom ever since...

The navy bed sheets, the basketball hoop by the window (that mother always scolded him for), the endless shelves of CDs, the posters of his favourite girl group on the wall, the photos of us as children and the-

“Chaeri?” The voice sounds distant.

I'm light-headed and I feel like I'm suffocating on air. My feet are going to give way and just when I feel like it's going to happen, somebody holds tightly onto my arm and supports my body weight onto theirs.

Somebody supporting me?

I look up and see that Jonghoon's holding me with a concerned expression delicately tainting his handsome features. He leads me back into the lounge room, helping me sit down. I sink into the leather chair, looking down at my feet. My hand shuffles into my pocket, but Jonghoon takes my hand out of it.

“Something tells me your mother wouldn't like you smoking inside the house.” He reminds me, putting a hand on my shoulder but not invading too much of my space.

My throat dries up as I gaze at him again. Regret sparks in his eyes. He knows he's did something that he wasn't meant to do. That's how Jonghoon is. He's reckless and never thinks before doing anything. I can't get angry at him though because that's how he is and if he had known what had happened, he wouldn’t have done this to me. As much of a jerk Jonghoon is, he’s not that insensitive.

“So…” He says, scratching the back of his head. “I-”

“He's dead,” I tell him, shortly, saving him from asking me because I know he's going to at some point. “As much as he was my older brother, he was my best friend too.”

Jonghoon keeps quiet. I'm thankful that he isn't give me fake sentimental words of pity. How can someone be sorry for you when they've never been in the situation before, or even know the person who died? I never understood how some people did that.

After what seems like forever, he speaks up. “No wonder. I remember in elementary you used to have a lot of friends and then all of a sudden you started distancing yourself. You didn't want to talk to anybody.”

I look up at him again, shocked that he had noticed it. Shocked that he even knew about me back in elementary. I thought I had done a good job fading in the background, yet Jonghoon still had seen my solitary figure. As much as a class clown he was, he really knew everything that happened in the classroom.

“You knew this all along?”

“Chaeri, there had been times I tried to talk to you...you know?” Jonghoon mutters, softly. “You were lost in a void for a long time. I couldn't believe it when you actually acknowledged me that day when we almost got caught smoking-”

“A void?” I blink.

Days had tumbled to the next. Everything had merged into one long time period. Before I knew it it had been the next year, then the next. The transition was drawn-out and debilitating as it had taken me a long time to breathe again...or to remember I was breathing.

Yes, my brother and I had been best friends.

But we were more than that. We had been inseparable. And witnessing him slowly leave me had really done a number on me. I had forgotten how it was like to exist on my own, and even to this day I struggle with myself.

Jonghoon's eyebrows are furrowed as he looks at me again. His eyes aren't sparkling with laughter, but with sincerity – a rare thing that shines in his eyes. He puts an arm around me and my head drops into his chest.

It's embarrassing because from one measly action, I can't stop bawling my eyes out.

•••••••••••••••

( present )

“You've got to come. I need your support.”

I fold my arms at Jinri, glaring at her. “You don't need my support. You dug yourself your own grave. I warned you and Jaejin to tell Jonghoon earlier and now look at you! He won't believe you if you tell him that you've gained weight-”

“Unnie!”

“-because you're clearly pregnant!” I'm pointing at her tummy that has grown larger from the last time I had seen her.

Jinri places the spare ticket on my desk.

“No.” I refuse.

“They'd want you there more than they'd want me there. You've been their fan for a long time,” Jinri explains to me like I'm an idiot. “And think of it as reconciliation between you and my brother.”

“Shut up,” I snap. “It's not like we fought or anything.”

Jonghoon and I hadn't been talking ever since he had found out that I had become an engaged woman. He's been avoiding me. Then again, I have been avoiding him too. When he had found out, everything hadn't been the same between us. It had become awkward.

Jinri laughs. “It's their last concert for their tour tonight. I know you're going to go. ”

And, just like that, Jonghoon's younger sister leaves my office with a small triumphant grin on her face. I give another glance at the single ticket sitting on my desk and I let out a groan.

Of course I'll go...

•••••••••••••••

The security lets me in once I flash my VIP card at them.

I amble down the hallway and knock on the make-up room door.

Minhwan opens the door and his eyes gleam in excitement when he notes the plastic bags I'm carrying. The drummer eyes the cans of red bull and potato chips I had brought for them. It had been a tradition of ours ever since the band's big debut. For a while, I had become their errand person. However, it was my task to always supply them with refreshments at the beginning of every one of their concert I'd go to.

Happily, Minhwan accepts the plastic bags. “Noona, I love you!”

Seunghyun must have heard Minhwan's proclamation because he's wandering into my vision with a boyish grin on his face. “And here I thought it was somebody else. I was getting excited about finding a scandal with Minhwan and his mysterious woman.”

“Minhwan has a secret lover?”

The drummer sulks. “He's teasing my non-existent love life.”

“I'm on the same boat. Quit your complaining,” Seunghyun snickers.

I shuffle on my feet. “Um...where's Jonghoon?”

“Getting his makeup done,” Minhwan tells me, gesturing towards the right of the room.

I glance at the direction and notice a female makeup actress fawning over the guitarist as she powders his face. However, I see Jonghoon staring at me coldly through the mirror. When he catches me looking at him, he glimpses away.

“Can you tell him I want to see him afterwards?” I say loudly enough for Jonghoon to hear.

Seunghyun scratches the back of his head. “He told me that he doesn't want to speak to you.”

“Excuse me?” I say. I look back at where Jonghoon was, but he has moved away from my line of vision. The jerk. “Why he is acting like a kid? Just because someone's slammed a ring on my finger doesn't make me a new person-”

“You don't understand why he's mad at you?” Hongki frowns, joining the group of men surrounding the door. “Stop acting like you don't know, Chaeri.”

“What?” I gawk at him. What the hell is Hongki talking about?

Hongki replies, “It's exactly the same situation with what happened with you and Wonbin-”

“This is different!” I exclaim. “And what has that got to do with everything?”

Seunghyun pushes Hongki out of the way. They're hiding something from me and I can't help but feel offended. I've known the boys for so long and they won't tell me what's going on...

“Why don't you get to your seat?” Minhwan smartly intervenes. “The concert is about to start. We're going on standby soon.”

I know Minhwan's lying and only doing this to prevent me from yelling at Jonghoon. Nevertheless, I bite my bottom lip and retreat from the makeup room. Tonight's not the time to cause a commotion.

Sighing, I make my way to the VIP section and take my seat there.  

Thousands of fans excitedly chatter away, specks of glow sticks and posters are dispersed unevenly around the venue. To think that FTISLAND had become this popular...I never believed it would turn out this way. It's not that I'm displeased about it, I'm just amazed that they’ve come this far. I’m beyond elated that their hard work has finally paid off. Witnessing them start small to become this famous makes me feel like a proud mother.

The lights dim and I watch as Jinri slips into her seat next to mine.

She immediately notices how tense I am.

“What's wrong?”

I'm glad because at the moment, the introduction video starts. The fans squeal in anticipation as the concert gradually begins.

Sparks of fire light up the stage and with a poof of smoke, the camera pans onto the stage where five figures appear out of thin air.

As the monitor zooms in from one member to the other, it finally settles on Jonghoon.

He's got his fan-service smile on. Eyes distant, yet warm as he strums the first chords to the opening song.

My eyes tear up as I watch him from afar.

How long will Jonghoon ignore me?

I'm no longer FTISLAND's first fan. To him, I'm only a face amongst the audience now. I'm nothing to him and the thought of this hurts so much...

•••••••••••••••

Last Edited: 23.03.16

o3.08.14

(a/n)

 This story may not be the most popular one on this site, but it's one of my favourites I love writing. I don't know why. Anyway, sorry for the late update. I'll be updating this story more frequently until it's done because I want to go write my own original stories again. ^^ Hope you liked this chapter!

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