[ the broken pieces ]

credits going out to the enchanted graphic shop

 ( present ) 

Sometimes you do stupid things to do distracted. Let me rephrase that: sometimes I do stupid things to distract myself.

Like for instance, right now I'm at the hospital. This is ironic because my most feared places on Earth happens to be this hospital. And despite everything, I find myself here...

It's been years since I've been back in this dreaded environment. The strong scent of anti-septic, the medications, odd gadgets, roaming doctors and nurses...and whenever I look at any of the patients, the burning image of my brother comes to mind.

When it was found my brother had end stage leukaemia, I had visited him every day. The hospital had transformed into an unwanted second home – and I hated the damn place. I still hate it. The hospital is almost like a phobia to me. Being here brings back memories I dislike revisiting. Memories that should stay in the past where they belong.

Yet, here I am.

I'm in the Emergency waiting room, pacing back and forth wishing Jinri's ultrasound would be over. Jinri had fallen over, stubbing her toe, and hour ago. It hadn't been a bad fall, but Jinri hadn't wanted to take chances and wanted to check if her baby was fine. She had given me a call to go with her because Jaejin hadn't answered his phone.

Me, being the great friend I am, decided to go with her – despite knowing how antsy I get at hospitals. That, and because, well, I needed a distraction. Lately I've been finding almost anything and everything to keep me busy. Ever since I had quit my job, I've been frantically finding things to do. Doing nothing is foreign to me. When I'm at home, I find myself going crazy because I begin to recall the conversation I had with Wonbin a week ago.

Which was about Jonghoon...

Oh God.

Thinking about Jonghoon makes me feel dizzy. I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing. The whole situation is stressing me out. How is that I'm thinking more about my feelings towards Jonghoon more than the break up with Daehyun? Am I that heartless?

Perhaps it's wrong that I decided to keep Jinri company during the check-up because she technically is Jonghoon's sister, which inevitably is leading me to think about him even more and-

'Oh, shut up. Shut up, Chaeri!' I tell myself.

To even think that I'm using the darn hospital to not think about my best friend is horrible. I've lost my edge. I really have.

“-is she all right? Chaeri, where is she?”

I glance up to see Jaejin's arrived to the emergency department. His eyes are lit in panic, glancing frantically at the rooms in front of us as if he's trying to decipher which one to barge into.

“She had a little stumble, but she's fine,” I fill him in. “They're doing an ultrasound now to see if the baby is well. The doc didn't seem too concerned so I wouldn't be worried.”

“That's good,” Jaejin lets out a sigh of relief after hearing his girlfriend's status. “Thanks for coming. I had a meeting with the manager. He would have murdered me if I answered the phone.”

“It's fine. It's not like I had anything better to do anyway, being unemployed and all,” I say. “I'm merely fulfilling my duty as future godmother. Besides, I was bored out of mind.”

Jaejin rolls his eyes at me. “It's because you're a workaholic. Because you work so much, you don't see what's in front of you.”

You don't see what's in front of you.

His words hit home. Wonbin had said something amongst those lines to me before. I sigh. I really need to stop relating everything to Jonghoon. Damn it.

After ten minutes, Jinri's released.

Jonghoon's sister is beaming as she walks towards us. It's a good sign. Jaejin rushes to her side, holding onto her arm like she's an elderly lady. It's actually pretty cute. I'm still getting used to the two being a couple, so seeing this small gesture makes me smile.

We Jinri to Jaejin's car. Once we're all buckled up, Jaejin starts the engine. He begins his interrogation. “How did it happen?”

“I slipped over a film strip in the dark room at work,” Jinri giggles.

From the side-view mirror, I see Jaejin frown. He scolds her, “It's not funny.”

“What matters is nothing bad happened,” Jinri says.

Jaejin gives a grunt in reply.

As we pass three blocks, I realise that we're heading towards my apartment. If anything, I don't want to be stuck at my place again. I was hoping to go with them to Jinri's place or a department store-anywhere but home. Being home alone made me think about him.

“Why are we going to mine? Can't I hang out with you guys?” I mutter. “I've got nothing to do and-”

Jaejin huffs. As we pass the traffic lights, he roughly parks the car in one of the vacant spots. He leans over his seat, menacingly glaring at me. “Stop it.”

His tone is anything but Jaejin like. He's usually the calmest and collected out of the FTISLAND boys, rarely losing his temper. Right now his death glare is quite frightening.

I sink in the leather interior. “Stop what?”

“Go see him. You're being a . If Jonghoon's bothering you this much, why don't you check on him? He's not coping-”

“What?”

“-and you being around Jinri and I all the time isn't helping. You even third-wheeled on Valentine's Day! As much as we love you, Chaeri, sometimes Jinri and I want some time to ourselves,” Jaejin snaps.

Jinri intervenes. “He doesn't mean it in that way-”

“Oh, I do mean it,” Jaejin hisses. “Don't lie, Jinri. You've seen how your brother gets so don't try to lighten my words. I'm tired of this.”

I prod, “Tired of what?”

“I've had enough,” Jaejin states, crossly. “Chaeri, you're his best friend and you treat him like crap. He cares about you so much. You don't realise how much hyung gets hurt by you.”

I don't know what to say. What does Jaejin mean? He turns back to driving, focusing on the road, but his hands are shaky on the steering wheel. I watch as Jinri reaches over his hand, holding it from trembling. I keep quiet. If I talk, Jaejin will crack it. Out of everyone in FTISLAND, Jaejin's anger seems like the scariest to deal with.

Minutes later we're parked in front of the FTISLAND dorm.

“You need to get out now,” Jaejin says, coldly.

Jinri whispers. “He's right, Chae. You can't keep avoiding this. You need to speak to my brother. He's not doing well...and we've all tried. You're our last hope.”

“Why?” I reply back, quietly.

“Because you're the reason why Jonghoon's acting up right now.” Jinri tells me, “He doesn't need the band, he doesn't need me. Right now all he needs is you.”

He needs....me?

•••••••••••••••

 ( past )

I open my eyes.

My body's saturated. My chest feels tight as I sit up, gasping for air. I run my right sleeve over my forehead, wiping the beads of sweat off. Blinking a couple of times, I reorientate myself to where I am.

Eyes adjusting to the dark, I find myself on the lower bunk. On the top bunk bed I can make out my classmate snoring. The looming moon filters through the window.

Taking advantage of the minimal light, I put on my flip flops. I blindly around, taking out my clothing from the suitcase and tossing the garments over my shoulder.

Sliding out of the cabin, I navigate myself past the other cabins to where the showers are situated.

The teachers would disapprove me doing this at night, but I can't possibly go back to sleep when I'm drenched in sweat.

A nice warm shower always settles my nerves, the nightmares I have from time to time. Then again, I wouldn't really call them nightmares. The dreams are of my brother.

Thinking about him makes me feel sick. Perhaps because I've tried so hard to forget about him, he takes revenge on me in my dreams. I wish I can think of all the good memories I had with him, but whenever I think about him these days...all I get is this heavy disheartened feeling in my chest. Thinking about him makes me feel miserable.

When I'm a cabin away from the showers, I almost jump when I hear a voice coming from above me.

“Psst! Chaeri!”

I gaze upwards. I see a figure sitting on one of the branches of the tree. There's a small red ember floating in the air, that's currently polluted with the smell of tobacco. The smell is more prominent, especially when our camp is outdoors. I bite back a chuckle. Looks like I'm not the only one who hasn't had a good sleep.

Leaving my clothes on the ground, I scamper up the tree trunk. Jonghoon immediately scoots over and leaves space for me, which I take.

He offers me a cigarette, but I decline. My throat's already dry and scratch enough. It feels raw. I had probably screamed during my sleep. I'm very lucky my cabin mate is a heavy sleeper.

I follow Jonghoon's gaze. His eyes are pensively gazing above us. The moon's light reflects in his eyes and it's only then I realise that he looks more masculine, older and possible a few inches taller from the last time I've properly looked at him.

How long had he been staring at the moon?

Jonghoon feels me staring at him. He grumbles, “I never can sleep whenever I go to camp.”

“And why's that?” I question him.

“Jinri.”

“What about your sister?”

Jonghoon sighs. “She's by herself. I don't trust my parents with her. They sometimes forget to buy food or cook for her because they're always working.”

He's worried. It's not often I see this side to him. He's always smirking or goofing around, but tonight he actually is concerned. For him to even say things like this catches me off guard. It's usually me confiding in him, so it's a nice change to know that he trusts me to tell me this.

“My family's not exactly wealthy.” He goes on. “Paying for the school fees can be challenging for my parents. It's lucky we even go to school ever since dad took a risk and switched companies a year ago. If he hadn't, we would have been comfortable. My busking money helps out to feed my sister and dinner because our parents don't always have enough to fund us with pocket money. I'm scared Jinri won't do well by herself.”

“You've got to trust your sister,” I respond. “We're only away for the weekend.”

“Easy for you to say,” Jonghoon scoffs. “There are so many times my parents haven't been parents to us. Don't get me started the times I've seen my mother sneak off to gamble-”

“That's not what I mean,” I interrupt him. “I'm talking about your sister, Jinri. She's no longer a little girl like you treat her to be. She's only three years younger. She'll be fine. You've got to trust her.”

“How can I?” Jonghoon cries. “She's so young-”

“Sometimes you've got to have faith in people.” I point out, “I trust you.”

“Why?” His eyes lock on mine.

It's only then I realise what I've said out loud. I in my breath, feeling my cheeks turn hot despite the cool breeze.

“You helped me, Jonghoon. After my brother died, I didn't want to become close to anybody. I was too scared to trust anyone, to become close to someone...but you approached me.” I give an embarrassed laugh.

“Really?”

“Yeah...” I look away from him.

I don't know if it's the right answer he's searching for, but it's the best I can come up with right now. I hadn't been lying. Jonghoon had taught me to trust people again.

“Sometimes you're cute, Chaeri.” He leans in closer to me, messing up my hair affectionately. I hit him back, scowling, and instead of feeling threatened by me, Jonghoon merely chuckles, “Thanks.”

It's good to see him joking around again. Our intimate conversation is suddenly interrupted when we hear footsteps.

Jonghoon curses, stubbing the cigarette. He holds me close to him as we try to not make a sound as a patrolling teacher walks underneath us. I look at him and he looks back at me, grinning.

I shake my head at him, disguising a smile.

•••••••••••••••

 ( present )

Butterflies stir in my stomach when I find myself standing in front of the door.

So many times I find myself coming in and out of the FTISLAND dorm. I hesitate as I'm about to dial in the passcode. It doesn't feel right to storm in today. I have so many times in the past, but with Jonghoon and I still on odd terms...it doesn't feel right.

Instead, I opt to ring the bell.

Now all I want to do is turn on my heels and make a run for it.

I don't even know why I'm here. Jaejin and Jinri had forced me here to see Jonghoon. I don't want to. I don't think I can look at him in the right mindset, not right after we've slept together for the second time and Wonbin telling me straight out that Jonghoon's likes me...or liked me? Who knows? Wonbin might even be lying about it because I don't think-

“You shouldn't be here.”

My train of thoughts are interrupted when I hear Hongki speak on the intercom.

When I don't reply, he continues, “Why are you here, Chaeri?”

“I want to see Jonghoon.”

“Isn't it a bit too late for that?” Hongki growls. He sounds just as angry as Jaejin. “I don't want you to be here.”

“Hongki.” I plead, “Please.”

He snarls, “No-”

“Hyung, you're being mean.” I hear a series of muffled voices. “Just let Chaeri in.”

“Guys, I don't want her screwing up Jonghoon any more! He's so difficult to deal with right now and letting her in will make things much worse because they have the tendency to screw each other up!”

“I can here you, you know?”

The door opens. Hongki is eying me like I'm the personification of death, arms folded like he's barricading me from entering. Seunghyun throws me a sympathetic smile and Minhwan looks both relieved and irritated.

“Hey.” I try to smile.

The boys look anything but happy. I'm used to them beaming and welcoming me cheerfully when I enter their lair. However, from how they're staring at me, something in the air is telling me they don't want me here at all.

“You'd better fix him.” Hongki scoffs, walking off.

Seunghyun gives a meek shrug as he approaches me when I give him a questioning look. “Jonghoon's not doing well, Chaeri.”

“What do you mean?” I don't get all these riddles. Jaejin's snapped at me and now Hongki looks like he's ready to murder me. Why are they all edgy about Jonghoon? If anything, it should be me.

Minhwan gives a heavy sigh. “It's like Japan all over again. He's back in that mode and he's being a pain in the .”

“Huh?”

“He's drinking too much. I don't even know how we made it through yesterday's schedule. He strummed the wrong chords for almost one of the whole songs during recording. We had to back it up and improvise on the spot to make it sound audible. It's been horrible,” Minhwan explains.

“I don't understand.”

“What did you do?” Seunghyun slices in, staring suspiciously at me. “I've never seen hyung act this way before. I had to pull him away from a car yesterday. He was too drunk he didn't realise he was walking in the middle of the road.”

“He's worse this time!” Hongki adds. Although he's not within my diameter, the vocalist is yelling out from the sofa in the living room. “I thought I had seen him at his worse when he found Wonbin texting you. He made Wonbin chose between FTISLAND and you. Jonghoon talked him into leaving FTISLAND, if he chose you.”

“What?” I blink.

“You heard right!” Hongki barks out. “Wonbin chose you, but you rejected him in the end. You can't believe how many fights we had deal with between the two! You think Jaejin and Jonghoon's squabbling was bad? Jonghoon was raging when you started to date with him. He started doing more crazy things-”

I feel livid. I hate how Hongki's putting me on the spot for something I never knew. Why is he only telling me this now? Why had Wonbin laughingly joked about it when I had seen him? Had I been too naïve to see what had been happening around me?

“Hongki, stop it.”

Madly, Hongki jumps off the sofa and strides towards me. “We even had to get him clean. He even went on some stuff, you know?”

“Don't,” I flinch. I didn't want to know this. I'm Jonghoon's best friend and I had no idea that our friendship, or whatever this is, effected him like this. Guilt. Frustration. Wrath.

Minhwan and Seunghyun glance uncertainly at each other, standing beside Hongki in case he were to do something irrational. But, I guess, he's past this point now. Hongki's voice is beyond fury.

“This time he's drinking. He hasn't stopped. He's been at it for a week. I don't know what's happened, but I know it has to do with you,” Hongki looks me straight in the eye. “It's always about you.”

“Hongki,” I spit out. “Don't put this all on me when you could have told me-”

The vocalist grabs onto my sleeve, lurching me forward as I forcefully follow his lead. When we reach Jonghoon's room, Hongki kicks the door open and throws me inside. “See him for yourself.”

Hongki shuts the door behind him. I try to push it back open, but Hongki's successfully has got me trapped here.

Taking a deep breath, I face what I've been avoiding – who I've been avoiding.

Something in me breaks.

I've seen Jonghoon drunk before, but not like this.

Jonghoon's almost passed out. I'm used to him being the jolly, lively drunk. Right now he's anything but.

He's on the floor, surrounding by empty glass bottles of alcohol. He looks like he hasn't showered for days. The whole room reeks of liquor. His eyes are gaunt as he stares desolately at the ceiling. His feet have cuts all over, most likely from the glass shards in the carpet.

What gets me the most is that his guitars.

They're damaged. He's vandalised them. The strings are cut and there are slashes all over them. Jonghoon's most prized possessions are as damaged as he is.

I kneel down next to him. My arm goes around his quivering body. I can't hold it anymore.

“I'm sorry,” I weep.

•••••••••••••••

19.02.15

(a/n)

Expected this update? Haha. It's almost 3am. Works out well because I'm on night shift mode anyway. I will reply to reviews in the last chapter tomorrow. <3 

Kind of a semi-dramatic cliffhanger. Two more chapters left now!

•••••••••••••••