[ the difficult decisions ]

credits going out to the enchanted graphic shop

 ( present ) 

I wake up to seagulls crowing.

It's not the morning call I wish for, but it's got me up. I sit at the edge of the bed, groggily getting up and drawing back the lace curtains.

A stretch of blue water welcomes me. The rising sun reflects oranges and reds onto the mass of water. By only looking at it I feel much calmer.

Sometimes, I forget, how beautiful nature can be because I'm used to being enclosed by walls, working my day away. Since I also live in the centre of skyscrapers, sometimes I like I'm suffocating. Being stuck in the bustling city and surrounded by skyscrapers does get irritating.

Despite this place being calm, as much as it appears like a dreamland, it's also like a nightmare too.

I have nothing against the place. It's just that, right now, I feel out of place. I'm not meant to be here, yet I am.

Above all, I have become a groupie.

Well, not literally. I have taken some time off and hitched a free pass to tour Busan with FTISLAND. Fortunately, the group had granted me permission to tag along. Who had known that a well established architect, like myself, had stooped down to such a level?

Oh God, I'm an embarrassment.

Just the thought of how I had barged into Daehyun's office and demanded leave still makes my insides churn in shame. I remember the flabbergasted look on his face. Despite avoiding each other for two days, I had finally elicited a reaction from him and me taking time off isn't something he had anticipated.

I had tried to be civil with Daehyun. I really had. But after he had ignored my very existence, I had lost it. I already had enough from the workplace tension, but dealing with the fact that Daehyun wasn't even contacting me really had upset me.

Which was why the stunned look on his face made sense when I had informed him about taking leave.

After tall, I had darn right earned it.

Ever since working for the company, I hadn't taken any day of leave. Since I had accumulated so many days of annual leave, they had no choice but to approve of my leave. After all, I had made sure to finalise all the projects and, since my latest one had been dismissed, there had been no point of me lingering around.

So I had left.

Jonghoon hadn't stopped me, nor had he encouraged me to join FTISLAND's tour. I was grateful he didn't argue against my decision and fortunately had allowed me to trail along with his band, despite his manager spluttering out in aghast.

Sighing, I turn from the window and make my way out of the bedroom, ambling towards the dining table. I take a seat there, flicking through the pages of the day old newspaper.

It feels weird that I have spare time to do, well, nothing. I'm a busybody. I like doing things, so sitting around doing nothing is really getting to me.

My eyes pause at the job vacancy section. I scan through the page and find the architect column. I hadn't meant to find this section, yet I'm here. Is this a sign? Do I really want to leave my work?

Leave?

What am I thinking about? Having nothing to do is really getting to my head. Just because I'm on uneasy terms with Daehyun doesn't mean I need to quit my job.

He needs time. I need time. It's all one big misunderstanding and I'm certain we will work things out. I know we will; we have to.

They say it's hard for a couple to work in the same environment. Maybe they're right. It's tough, especially when you have all your colleagues leering at your back and waiting for you to screw up in front of them.

Like now.

I wince.

Just thinking about it makes me feel queasy. I know my work environment well. Even though the company consists mainly of males, I know that even they do arm their own fair share of gossiping.

What am I doing?

Tossing the newspaper aside, I watch the scrunches of tissues fall onto the ground. The close-to-empty glass of red wine nearly almost descends with the tissues. I take a deep breath, frowning.

I'm such a mess.

Snatching up a plastic bag, I discard the dirty tissues into it. After I pour the rest of the red wine down the sink, I give it a good wash and rinse, placing it onto the plastic rack to dry.

Last night, I would have went to FTISLAND's last Busan show, but I had been so miserable to see the band, and as you can see, I hadn't even had the energy to clean up after myself.

Jonghoon had known this.

Right after the concert, he had visited me at this very hotel room. He had abandoned the band's after party and kept me company. I told him not to be worried, but when he saw me smoking (after I had been a non-smoker for a good three years) he hadn't left my side. He sat quietly next to me on the couch, marathoning old dreadful horror movies as I cried silently into his shoulder. He knew I wasn't in the mood to talk. He knew how helpless and pitiful I was feeling.

He didn't need to say anything. Him being there had been more than enough.

Glancing at my phone for, almost, the millionth time, I let out a sigh. I know I shouldn't be waiting around for Daehyun, but I'm used to it. He wants to have some time apart. Sure. Still, I miss him. I want to talk to him. And it hurts he hasn't even bothered to contact me yet.

It's been almost a week. The last contact I had with him when my leave was approved. Other than that, we hadn't kept in touch at all.

I know Daehyun wanted a break from us being together, but I hadn't.

Lighting a cigarette, I take a drag. Perhaps I should go back to Seoul now? Being in Busan just makes me feel more useless. At least in Seoul, I can focus on work and distract myself with Jinri's pregnancy. At least then-

Ding Dong!

I wrap a silk dressing gown around my thin frame, slowly striding towards the entrance. On my tiptoes, I squint into the peephole and find Jonghoon standing on the opposite side of the door.

Giving another sigh, I heave the door open. However, as I allow my best friend inside, I don't expect to see the person standing casually behind him.

“Daehyun?” I hold my breath, hand covering my mouth as I gaze at the man I have been endlessly thinking about for the past week.

He gives me a small smile. “Hey.”

I'm overwhelmed, all right. The initial shock disappears and now all I can feel is my blood boil. I try to catch Jonghoon's gaze, but he looks away from me.

“What are you doing here?” I return my attention back to Daehyun.

He scratches the back of his head. “Jonghoon booked me a flight early this morning. Convinced me to see you.”

“I see...” I blink. Jonghoon, why do you have to be such a meddler?

Daehyun blankly stares at me. “I was expecting a bigger reaction.”

His comment irritates me. Hell, I'm glad Daehyun's here. What I don't like is his tone. Does he want to me act over-the-top happy and wrap my arms around him like nothing's happened between us? He decided that we'd take the break. It has nothing to do with me. On top of it all, it's Jonghoon that has arranged the flight. Did Daehyun even want to see me?

I glance back at Jonghoon, who still is avoiding my gaze. “Why'd you have to open your big mouth, Jonghoon? What makes you think it's right to intrude behind my back and-”

Jonghoon cuts in, “I wanted to make things right. I needed to explain to Daehyun about this big understanding-”

“Why should you have to? What's the point when he doesn't believe me?” I say, coldly.

Daehyun raises an eyebrow at me and Jonghoon frowns. Even I'm surprised by how cold my tone is, but this is exactly what I'm feeling. What's the point in a relationship when there is no trust?

For the first time ever, Jonghoon looks actually embarrassed. “I thought you'd want him here.”

“It's not about if I do or don't want him here,” I try to steady my breathing, but it turns irregular. Hyperventilating will get me nowhere, but I don't care right now. “I'm just irritated that you had to involve yourself. And you, Daehyun-”

“What about me?” Daehyun replies. I can sense some anger in his voice, but he doesn't have the right to get mad.

Jonghoon chooses the right moment to escape the hotel room.

My best friend had sensed how peeved I am with him. He also knows to leave Daehyun and I by ourselves to 'sort' things out, to get us talking. Perhaps I had been rough by using my anger and bewilderment on Jonghoon as a scapegoat. Though, I'm still not letting it slide that he's created this awkward situation and done this behind my back. I know his intentions are good, but I wanted to let fate play out, not me being forced in a corner like this.

Like now...

I don't know if my best friend has done as a favour or not by bring Daehyun to Busan. I should feel touched, yet somehow I feel like more the opposite. I don't know what to make of it.

And he's here. Daehyun's here!

I watch as Daehyun folds his arms together and, for some reason, this action alone vexes me more.

“Why are you here?” I repeat. Before I wait for his answer, all my emotions are tumbling out. “If Jonghoon hadn't convinced you, would you even be here? I've waited for you to reply to me. I tried calling you many times...and then you turn up here like nothing's happened? Like I'll drop on my knees and beg for your forgiveness?”

“Chaeri-”

“I won't do it. I'm not apologising for something I didn't do wrong,” I state, tight-lipped.

The more I talk and vent out, the more I feel my temper rise. This is dangerous that I'm letting my emotions get the best of me, but this is now. This is what I'm feeling. If Daehyun I'd not be effected from our week's separation – he's wrong. It had hurt me a lot. I may not show it on the outside, but when I'm hurting it's like poison dispersing in the pit of my stomach.

“Why can't you just believe me?” I exclaim, furiously blinking the frustrated tears away from my eyes.

He bites his bottom lip. A thing he does when he's doubting something. He takes a step closer. Before I take a step back, he advances into my personal space and gives me a secure embrace. Feeling his touch again makes my body tremble. I had been frightened about losing him.

“I'm sorry.”

I don't reply, so he keeps on speaking. “If you don't want to get married, I understand. I'll call it off.”

Confused, I look up at him. “What do you mean?”

“You think I can't tell, do you?” Daehyun gives a chuckle, but his eyes aren't glimmering in amusement. “You weren't even keen about setting the date. It's like you're uncertain about being with me-”

I let go of him. “Maybe if you were so unsure about trusting me-”

“This was before then. This is about Jonghoon.”

I glare. “Who bought you a ticket to see me.”

He denies, “That's not it.”

“You knew, from the beginning, how much Jonghoon means to me. This is how we are and if you can't accept it-”

I stop talking. Daehyun gives me an exasperated look, shaking his head.

“What? Chaeri?” He dares. “If I can't accept it, do you want to break up?”

“I-I..that's not what I meant!”

“Then what do you mean?” Daehyun growls. “You know that even if it wasn't me, any guy would see Jonghoon as a threat. He's too close to you. He's too intimate for my liking. I feel uncomfortable when he's with you. Jealous even.”

“Then what do you want?” I retaliate with a scowl. “If you're putting this all on Jonghoon, it's not right. What about us? You wanted time off away from me, isn't it? What do you want now?”

He hesitates and that's more enough for me.

What's bad about Daehyun is that I can read him like a book. He's easy to read. And from how he's looking at me, I can tell his real intentions for coming to Busan.

Tears are falling horribly down my face and all I can taste is bitterness. He doesn't think I'm worth it.

Daehyun wants to break up.

I turn away.

“Chaeri.”

If doesn't want to be with me any more, then screw it.

He starts to make an excuse, but his voice is desolate and sounding not all that promising, “We can be friends. We can take it slow-”

My shoulders shrivel up. Holding back a sob and preventing myself from breaking down, I silently light another cigarette.

I leave before he tells me that we're over.

•••••••••••••••

I walk into the next boutique. I'm strategically holding six shopping bags in my hands without losing my balance.

Ever since I've left Daehyun at the hotel, let's just say I've thoughtlessly spent a few hundreds on extravagant dresses. It had been pure luck that I had slept in my clothes from yesterday because my phone and wallet had conveniently been lodged inside the pockets of my jeans.

Then again, one could interpret that as bad considering I had gone all out on a shopping splurge. I haven't done anything this spontaneous before. Most of my money had been budgeting for the wedding, but now that's out of the picture...

What am I meant to do then?

I had already killed time and had randomly watched two back-to-back films, which ironically happened to be categorised in the romantic comedy genre. Instead of focusing on the plots, I had kept comparing my life to the lead female protagonist and relating to Daehyun. I had cried through both of the movies.

And, here I am, in yet another boutique, weaving my fingers through a cream silk dress and fawning over the intricate hand-sewn silver beadwork.

“Would you like to try it on?” The sales clerk asks me.

“Uh...” I stare at her, dazed. I haven't been completely with it since this morning, keeping to myself and getting accustomed to my own company, so answering a simple question from a stranger, who has approached me in this odd mindset, baffles me.

“If you don't want to-”

My phone buzzes. Thank God.

It's a text from Jonghoon.

Did it go well with Daehyun? If you're both still here, you should come to the beach bonfire party tonight. Take him with you.

I bite my bottom lip. Jonghoon's always means well and it aches for me to admit that even he couldn't save what happened between Daehyun and I today.

Not wanting to be displeased with his effort, I text back.

Sure, I'll go.

It's better like this. If I go to the party, I can get my mind off things. And if I were to tell Jonghoon that Daehyun and I are no longer together, I know that he'll leave his band's party to be with me. He already had done more that enough by bringing Daehyun to Busan.

He replies: See you at 7. By the wharf, OK?

I glance at the many shopping bags. At least I've got something to wear...

•••••••••••••••

When I get there, Jonghoon's already off his face.

He's stumbling around and when he sees me, he sprints through the sand, nearly falling in the process, and gives me one of his infamous tight hugs. “You made it!” He peeks behind me. “Where's Daehyun?”

I give a small smile. “He went back home.”

It's best to not tell Jonghoon about Daehyun.

Jonghoon gives me a peck on the cheek and grins when he sees what I'm wearing. “You look good.”

“Thanks,” I say, quietly.

I've got a white tailored sundress on. It's not too revealing, but it's showing off my figure, fitting in the right spots. I don't usually wear these type of dresses because I stick to the simple ones.

He offers me his beer, which I eagerly take off him. I swig the remaining of the liquid down and I feel it burn down my throat. Alcohol is what I need right now. Cigarettes, shopping spree, movies and chocolate...they all haven't done it for me today.

I'm going to get plastered.

Jonghoon doesn't seem to notice the gleam of determination in my eyes. He's not sober enough to realise that I'm not acting very...me. How can you feel like yourself when you've been used to sharing everything with somebody else over the years? How can I be alone?

I gaze up, when Jonghoon lets out a loud howl. Another reason why I had decided to go to the FTISLAND party is because they're always wild and...a good distraction.

Jonghoon's stripping off his shirt and swinging it around like a lasso, making the crowd laugh at his drunkenness. The shirt lands on Minivan who glares daggers at him.

Hongki's running away from Seunghyun who's trying to pull the lead singer's board shorts down and Jaejin? Jaejin's on the phone. By the way he's beaming, I know he's talking to Jinri.

I take a seat on my beach towel. The breeze is cool and the sand is smooth between my toes. The crashing of waves is barely audible because somebody's turned up their cell phone and is playing a mix of recent rnb tunes, songs that I'm not familiar with.

I help myself to another beer. Then another.

The buzz makes me feel hotter and I glance around my blurry surrounding. I frown uneasily when I see a girl talking to Jonghoon.

She has bright red hair, quite petite and is wearing tight fitting leather pants and a royal blue tank top. I know Jonghoon's type and she doesn't fit in that category. Who is she?

The girls laughs, giving Jonghoon a push on the shoulder before talking to Minhwan.

If she isn't a flirt, or somebody who wants to get into Jonghoon's pants, who is she?

Asides from her, I'm the only other female in these groups of drunk boys. What connection does she have here? My thoughts may be hazy from the liquor, but something doesn't add up.

I don't need to ponder any longer because she soon heads towards me. She comfortably sits next to me, sitting Indian-style, like we're acquaintances.

“Hey.”

“Hi?”

“Do you know where Jonghyun is?”

“You mean Jonghoon? You were speaking to him earlier,” I mutter, irritated.

“No, Jonghyun. CNBLUE's Jonghyun,” she clarifies.

I give her a look. “Why? Why are you asking me this?”

“Well, you're the only one who isn't completely drunk, sitting here alone and drinking by yourself. I thought I'd find an answer from you.”

“You're not an idol...so are you a groupie?”

“Please,” She laughs. “No way. I don't have time for that. Jonghyun's a good friend of mine.”

“Really?” I raise my eyebrow, suspiciously.

“Yeah.” She puts out a hand. “I'm Leeseol by the way. Sorry if I'm being rude. I get often told I do things without thinking things through.”

“I'm Chaeri,” I reply. “Why don't you call Jonghyun if you're waiting for him?”

“Oh,” Leeseol laughs. “I should have done that from the beginning. Thanks for reminding me.”

I half expected her to say that she didn't know Jonghyun's number, but when she pulled out her phone and rang up, I knew she was telling the truth. I can't tell if she's a ditz or if she's plainly free-spirited.

Wouldn't a stranger feel anxious mixing into a group of people by herself when she didn't know anybody?

“He'll be here in half an hour. Yonghwa's mother's birthday,” She tells me, grinning.

She even knows Yonghwa? Although I've stuck to FTISLAND like glue for such a long time, I've rarely met with the CNBLUE members. This girl is talking as if she's good friends with them...heck, it's almost like she's me with FTISLAND.

“Something tells me you don't want to be here.”

“Free booze?” I say. “What's wrong with that?”

“I may not know you, but I can see yourself forcing yourself to drink. You don't really look too entertained being by yourself and not joining in with....the circus?”

I follow her gaze and laugh at how Seunghyun and Jaejin are holding Minhwan down while Hongki is forcefully making him chug the remaining contents from the vodka bottle.

“Why don't you join in?” I question her.

“When Jonghyun gets here,” she winks.

There's something about Leeseol that makes me feel uncomfortable. It's like she knows things without being told. From the short time she's made an appearance it's like she knows everything that's happening around us. And, she reads me like a book – something that only close friends are capable of doing.

It's like she knows me.

Looking behind her, I spot a group of five girls in taut bikinis join the group of boys. One of the girls, with the biggest bust, has already targeted Jonghoon. I roll my eyes. Jonghoon always likes the big busted girls.

“You like Jonghoon, right?”

“What?” I splutter. She's still a stranger to me, yet she's saying things like this.

“When you were staring at me back then. When I was asking Jonghoon where Jonghyun was, you were looking at me like you wanted to kill me.”

“Excuse me?”

“Like now. You're leering at that girl like she's a disgrace to humanity.”

“I am not-”

Before I can defend myself, Leeseol stands up. She brushes the sand from her legs and beams. “Jonghyun's here! I'll see you around, Chaeri.”

And, like enigma she is, she disappears from my sight and leaves me left with thoughts that I don't want to think about. Thoughts I've refused to think about.

Me liking Jonghoon?

No way...

Refraining myself from seeing Jonghoon flirt with another girl, I down another beer.

•••••••••••••••

25.01.15

(a/n)

A difficult chapter to write. Even though some people may dislike Daehyun,  I carried a soft spot for him. If you've read 'Making Up The Nice Guy', this is the same Leeseol who made a one-off appearance in this chapter ^^ Don't know when I'll update next. Currently in Da Nang, Vietnam....utelising my annual leave. Hope you all are well <3 Thanks for reading so far!

I predict less than 4 chapters to go now :)

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