From: Luhan (17:49 26/05/2014)

I’m sorry.

Luhan

Jieun only read the message two hours later, after she had showered and changed out of her work clothes whilst she ate the kimchi stew from two days ago (life was so much easier when one cooks so much that it lasts a few days). Work was busier than usual and she didn’t even know why. All she knew was she came home feeling exhausted and all ready to pass out by ten in the evening.

Luhan’s message made her alert. Gone was her tiredness and replaced with… what? Relief? Annoyance? Disappointment? Either way, at least there was something that showed Luhan was still alive. Not that she didn’t know he was alive since her food packages were always gone every time she went to drop something new at his place. They had carefully avoided one another, especially her because she couldn’t take another outburst from him.

Get out.

Just the mere thought of it gave her chills. Not scary chills but upset chills. It was just so… direct.

 “You can’t play with us, Jieun.” They pushed her to the side but clueless seven year old Jieun followed after them to the monkey bars on the other side of the playground. “You can’t play with us. You won’t hear us if we shout for you.”

I’ll be seeker then. Jieun smiled. The kids blankly looked at her and continued talking as if she wasn’t there. I want to play.

 “Tell her to go away.”

 “No, you tell her.”

 “We don’t need to tell her anything. She’s stupid anyway, she wouldn’t understand.”

 “That’s not nice.”

 “Then you play with her!”

 Jieun stood there, watching the exchange happen in front of her and she caught the last few words and she held herself from speaking out. This wasn’t anything new. So she walked away silently, away from the squabbling children.  

Her fingers fidgeted over the touchscreen alphabet but they couldn’t form a sentence. Not a single word. There was so much she could say but it just wouldn’t come out.

Her initial reaction to Luhan’s words were shock. She was stunned for an entire minute before she realised that he had already entered his apartment and closed the door. When she finally made it home, she sat down on her couch, a bustling traffic of thoughts running through her mind. What the hell happened to him? Did he need the doctor? Why was he so cold?

All these flooded her brain and the one that struck her was, was he alright. The injuries did not look pleasant. She’d seen fights before and the results, well with the bruises he received it certainly wasn’t any fight. With a nervous and worried heart, she grabbed her coat and rushed out to the nearest 24-hour pharmacy and got everything she could think of.

Jieun didn’t ask about him after that. She did come around occasionally to drop off some food (which he thankfully accepted and gave sign that he was alive) but that was it. She was still a little wary of him, especially with the way he sent her off the last time.

Gosh, she didn’t know how she would act now if they came across each other. Would they still be friendly? Could she just run up to him with a beaming smile and say Hi? She hoped so.

Because right now all she wanted to do was see him and ask him how his day went over a pot of tea, just like it was before.

Luhan didn’t receive a reply. This meant a few things to him: she didn’t read it (highly unlikely), she read it but forgot to reply (quite likely), she read it but she was angry (very likely), she read it and hated him (very, very likely).

He sighed.

If he could, he would rewind back to that day and take back his words.

Get out.

He shook his head. Jieun’s startled expression was imprinted in his mind and never had anything affected him so much. It was occupying his mind more than he liked it to and now that weeks had passed, he still had no idea how to repair the stupid blunder he committed.

Glancing at his clock that hung on the wall, it showed half past five. Jieun would be on her way back from work just about now and he could catch her before she reached home. He slipped on his hoodie and proceeded downstairs to wait for her, with high hopes that she would at least give him the time of day for him to apologise.

Luhan bit down on his thumb again and pulled away when he realised he’d basically eroded the remainder of his nail. It was nearly seven and there was no sign of Jieun. It was getting dark and this spurred on his worries even more. He contemplated tracing her route back to her usual bus stop but the bright headlights from the oncoming car made him press pause.

It was Jonghyun’s car. And right beside him, was the woman he was waiting for.

From where he sat (as dark as it was), he could see her chatting animatedly, her hands signing quickly and Luhan suddenly wished he knew sign language so he could figure out what their conversation was about. His hands curled into fists in his pockets and he silently watched as Jieun alighted from the car, waving at Jonghyun as he drove off. He hadn’t realised how damp his hands were until he wiped them down his jeans, trembling slightly with nervousness.

 “Jieun.”

She had stopped walking when she noticed Luhan making his way towards her. She stared at him, waiting.

 “I-I… was that Jonghyun?” Luhan asked. He wanted to slap himself.

Wrong words at the wrong time. Jieun narrowed her eyes as she side-stepped him and started walking towards the doors. He quickly reached out and grabbed hold of her wrist. Shivers ran down from the tip of his fingers at the contact he made with her soft skin.

 “I’m sorry. Th-that’s not why I’m here. I-” Jieun swiftly pulled her arm away causing Luhan to feel alarmed. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

It was not supposed to be like this.

Luhan stepped back completely rendered wordless. Jieun turned around to look at him, seemingly to have waited for him to correct his mistake but he could only stand there. Sending a flaming glare Jieun mutely took her feet and left him in the dim of the night.

 “You’re off. I said quit it!” Minseok tightened his arms. Luhan struggled against his friend’s restraint, exhaling furiously; he threw another hit, ignoring Minseok. “Jihoon, I said you’re off. I’ll take care of this. You’re not fit enough to go against him right now, Luhan, what in the hell is wrong with you?”

Because I need to feel something, he scolded himself. He winced as his chest constricted.

Jihoon had already stepped back but Luhan just couldn’t stop throwing out punches. It was like the motor in him was on overdrive and it was working its way to tire itself out until it just went caput. Only until Minseok slapped him around his neck did he finally relax and collapse against his friend. Luhan’s chest heaved up and down.

 “Whatever it is that’s bugging you,” started Minseok, pushing at Luhan’s chest to ease him off, “punching the young Jihoon, who by the way has won five of his last six fights, isn’t going to help y’know. Spit it out, tell Agony Uncle Minseok.”

Luhan managed to snort at his friend’s joke, despite still feeling low. “It’s Jieun,” he sighed after some time. “I did something wrong and I tried to make up for it but I just… screwed it up.”

This was all almost foreign to him. He had never dealt with such an issue. Normally a ‘sorry’ would suffice and Luhan would get over it, but this, this was something that not even a sorry could erase. Jieun deserved better than that.

 “Then try again.”

 “How?” Luhan lay down on the mat fe