"Go ahead Mama. You can say it." I encourage. 

"I called your father." She admits. 

My eyes bug out in shock. "You did what?! Why?!"

 "Raina let me finish," she begs. 

"Fine. Go on." I reply. 

"We talked about you, and how you're doing and-" 

"Did you tell him that I'm doing just perfectly okay without him?" 

"Ray, Sweetie. That's your father."

"Still. He should know the truth. That I'm perfectly fine without him in my life."

"Baby that's not the point here. The thing is, we've worked some things out, and we both decided that you should move."

"You mean, WE should move. Right mom?" I put extra emphasis on the 'we' part.

"No Raina. I mean you. Just you."

"Move where? This is my only home. Home is with you Mama."

"You'll be living in South Korea with your father and his wife. Think of it being for the best, Baby."

"But Mama! I can't leave you! Who will be here for you?! I can't let you live alone! I don't want to go to Dad's! I'll miss you Mama! I'll have nobody there for me. I thought it was just you and me through whatever Mama! How could you make such a decision?!" Hot tears blocked my vision as they began forming in my eyes.

"Because I worried about you! I can't stand to see you in this state Raina! Knowing everyday that you get mistreated by others at your school, knowing that you cut yourself and that it's all you do! I hate seeing you like this! Being in Korea will be good for you! Please Raina, do this for me. If you love me, you'll move in with your father and his family. You'll be much safer there." Drops from her eyes were rapidly running down her cheek one after another. Mama was down on her knees sobbing and begging me to leave.

I gave in,"Fine. I'll go. I'll go to South Korea to live with Dad. But what about you Mommy? Who's going to keep you company?"

"Your..your Aunt Jocelyn will be coming to live with me." She says trying to stop her tears.

She already had someone to be there with her. She's going to be fine without me. I clenched my teeth trying not to release another drop from my eyes. "When am I leaving?"

"Tomorrow. 12pm. Your father made the arrangements so you'll be flying first class."

Tomorrow. Tomorrow. I repeated in my head. The word felt so bitter as it sank into my mind. "Tomorrow?" I confirm. 

"Yes Sweetie. Tomorrow. Aunt Jocelyn and I will drop you off." 

I slowly nod in agreement. "So, everything is all planned then?" 

"I guess so, Sweetie. You just need to pack your belongings," Mom replies.

"I'll help you with the dishes Mama." I grab her plate with her used utensils as well as mine and head off to the kitchen sink to wash our dishes. 

I look back at Mama. She still sat on the floor just like how I left her. She stared blankly out the window and into space. She looks as if she's about to break down again any minute. Never have I ever seen Mama as emotionally fragile as today. She suddenly gets up and walks towards my way. I quickly turn my head back and focus on the dishes needed to be washed.

"I'll take it from here," Mama says from behind me,"Y-you should start packing your belongings. I'll bring your suitcases to you when I'm finished."

I silently nod and excuse myself from the sink.

Back in my room, I slide my closet door to the right to reveal its contents. Articles of clothing such as shirts, pants, skirts, dresses and sweatshirts were all hung up along the wooden rail above. Others such as undergarments and pajamas were folded neatly on the built in shelves connected to the wall. Shoes new and old, clean and dirty, perfect condition and torn up cover the floor. I began cleaning out my closet. Starting from the clothing on the shelves to the hangers, every single piece of clothing was taken from its respected place and neatly folded to be put into suitcases Mama would bring. As I was folding the last few pieces of clothing, I hear a echoing shatter from the kitchen.

 "Mama," I whisper.

I peep my head out my door to check if she was okay. "Mama?" I call.

No response.

"Mama?" I repeat.

Still no response. 

"Mama?" 

There was still no answer. No sounds were made either. I waited a few more moments for a response but there wasn't one. The only noise heard were silent weeping and sniffles. Mama was crying again. I slowly walk up to her and see her figure was kneeling on the floor, hugging her hand tightly. 

"A-are you okay Mama?" I ask worriedly.

Her hands run vigorously to dry her wet stained face. 

"I'm fine dear," she assures. She lifts her face up and the first thing I notice were her blood shot red eyes from all the crying. My eyes then roam down to her left hand that she grasped tightly once again.

I gently grab her hand and notice the piece of glass cut right on the side of her wrist. Blood was seeping through the cut and oozing down her arm. "Mama! You're not okay. You need to soak your hand in hot salt water right now."

"Ray, it's okay. Truly, I'm fine."

I block out what other words she says and prepare her water. Once it was done, I lead her to the white marble counter to soak her hand in the water bowl. We both held eye contact from across the sides of the counter. Mostly worried and scared, and a bit frustrated were the expressions read on my face. I'm pretty sure Mama got the message since her gaze was apologetic towards me.

"Can I ask you something Mama?"

"Of course, Raina. What is it?" 

"Is this how it feels?"

"How what feels?"

"How it feels," I close my eyes take a big breath before I spoke again,"how it feels, how it feels when you see the cuts on my arms? When you see the blood from my wrist and arms travel through the rest of that area from the marks I make that day? Is this how you feel every time?"

She nods her head silently without any verbal answer. 

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"I'm sorry for everything. I could've just been a regular and normal child if I didn't do this to myself. I could've still been able to live with you and we would be happy together just the two of us. But due to my actions, I ruined everything for us. I know what I do is wrong, yet I do it anyways. I'm sorry Mama. I'm so sorry." 

"Raina, you don't have to apologize for anything. This isn't your fault. Our life may not be the happiest right now. But I want you to know that you aren't the reason for that. Everyone has to go through rough patches in life and we just had to deal with ours now. I'm just thankful that you didn't go to even worse measures. Things will get better in time. You just have to believe and hope that it will, and who knows, it most likely will. Never ever forget that." 

I nod in response. 

"I'm glad we've come to an understanding. Now finish up packing. I'll bring you the suitcases and we'll prepare your bags when I get the shard out of my wrist," she weakly smiles.

"Yes Mama." I return back to my room and resume clearing out my closet. 

After a while Mama comes through the door with the luggages from the garage.

"I'll place your clothes inside. You can finish packing up your things in the bathroom." 

I grab the big vanity black vanity bag from her hand and start to clean up my bathroom. I left unnecessary things behind that could be bought once again in Korea. As I was emptying out the last drawer, the door knob was moving.

"Rae, do you need any help?"

My mother looked at the sharp object in my hand.

"You're leaving that here. We don't need your father knowing that you're cutting."

I hesitantly hand the knife to her as we exit the bathroom. Packing finally finished late at night and Mama and I were both exhausted. It was an emotional day for both of us. 

"I'm off to bed," I yawn.

"Go ahead Sweetie."

"You're not going to sleep yet?" 

"Maybe soon. I want to finish up this painting I'm working on." 

I nod my head and close the door. I jump on top of bed and crawl under the blankets. 

"Ugh," I sigh,"last night in California. Last night in America. Last night sleeping in my bed.  Last night being in the same house as Mama for who knows how long. I can't wait until this nightmare is over." 

Around an hour later, I woke up from my sleep. I turn over to look at the clock and it read 12:18am. I rub my eyes a bit to fix my blurry vision. There was still a glowing light from outside indicating Mama was still awake. I drag myself out of bed and towards the light.

"Mama?" I say as I scratch my head.

"I thought you were sleeping now Raina," she sets down her paintbrush and looks at me.

"I can't really sleep me Mama."

"Well, what can I do to help you?" 

"Can you sleep with me please?" 

"Rae, you're seventeen years old."

"But this is my last night to stay with you." 

She eventually gave in and we went off to sleep in my bed.

---

The next day Mama and I woke up around 10am. We got out of bed and decided to make breakfast together. We ended up making French toast and eggs. Not much was said over meal time as we were busy stuffing our faces trying to not think if it being our last day together. Mama and I washed the dishes together to speed up the cleaning process. After that, I went off to shower before going off to the airport. Preparations were finished, I got dressed, cleaned up any last minute object needed to be placed and I fixed my room one last time. Taking a glance at it, it looked completely empty now. It was like a blank canvas ready to be painted on. 

"Raina! Come outside now!"

"Coming!" 

I close the door behind me and go into the living room where Mama called me with my luggages. 

"I have something for you. Something that will always remind you of me when you're in Korea." 

Mama hands me a 9x11 inch canvas with a covering on top of it. Just as I was about to take the cover off, Mama stops me.

"Don't take it off."

"Why not?" 

"Because I want you to see it when you're having hard times. It's something that symbolizes strength for us. You should be able to figure it out what it is now. When you're having difficulties in Korea, you can hang it up in your room there. But for now, it should be shield shut."

Symbolizes strength. I knew the answer right when she said it. It gave me an assuring smile to hear those words. I agreed to what she said as she placed it in my handcarry. 

"Thank you Mama."

The doorbell rang moments later and Aunt Jocelyn welcomed herself though the door. 

"Rainabow!"

"Aunt Jo!"

She came up to me and gave me a big hug.

"My goodness, you've grown so beautifully."

"Thanks Aunt Jo," I laugh. 

Aunt Jo always flattered me with compliments that sometimes Mama wouldn't give me. In her eyes, I was perfection. I loved Aunt Jo even more for making me feel that way. She was a pretty chubby woman. But that just meant her heart was even bigger. She dark brown hair just like Mama and I but hers was always put up in a bun. She also had green eyes just like Mama. In fact they pretty much looked alike, but Aunt Jo had a pointier nose and she looked more serious. Compared to how timid and sweet Mama looked, Aunt Jo had a cold and serious charisma to her which made her come off as a tough person to approach; which was the complete opposite of how she really is. Unlike Mama, Aunt Jo was loud. She lived a happy and joyful life. She looked at things positively and only that way. She would always say that if you couldn't think, look, or even say something in a positive way, then it isn't worth your time. I envied her for this. Only if I could be more positive, I would still be able to see Aunt Jo often. 

"Well, who's ready to go to the airport?" Aunt Jocelyn asks.

"We're not." Mama and I reply seriously.

"Well if we don't leave soon, Rainabow is gonna be late for her flight." Auntie says.

"I would like that Aunt Jo." I nod with a satisfying smile.

"I side with Rae, Jo. Maybe it's okay to be late." Mom agrees.

"Oh, so Sarah, you're okay with hearing a mouthful from Charles on the phone later of where his daughter is and why she isn't in South Korea at the time her plane arrives?!" Aunt Jo questions.

"Maybe not." Mom retorts.

"Well, let's go! Let's go! Chop chop! We don't want to be late then!" Aunt Jo pushes us out the door with my luggages and leads us to her car. 

The drive to the airport was pretty short considering the lack of cars on the road. We immeadiately checked in my luggages and got everything checked for flying. All that was left, was the worst part of all of this. The farewells. Mom and Aunt Jo were able to stay with me in the waiting area until I was about to board due to some arrangements made and Aunt Jo's threatening. Mama and I were listening to Aunt Jo's stories of her recent trip to Hawaii and the Hawaiian hunks she encountered during her stay until a sudden announcement was made.

"Calling all first class passengers for flight 487 to Seoul, South Korea to please begin boarding."

"Well that's you kiddo." Aunt Jo says.

The three of us stand up and secure a spot in the forming line. 

"I'm gonna miss you Rainabow."

"I'm gonna miss you too Aunt Jo. I'm going to miss your compliments, your stories, your laughs, your everything. Take care of Mama for me please?"

"Anything for you sweetie. Be careful out there. Tell me if anyone tries to mess with you in Korea, I'll buy a ticket for the next flight there and teach em a lesson. Kay, Ray? I love you."

She then engulfs me into a warm hug which starts the tears in my eyes.

"Aunt Jo," I whisper in her ear.

"Yes dear?"

"I like you better than Uncle Dave." I giggle as I let go of her embrace.

"Yeaaaaaah!!! Take that David!! I'm better than you are!" Aunt Jo yells into the air.

"This is it Raina," Mama says.

"Yup. This is it Mama. It really is goodbye."

"Sweetie don't say that. Remember that I'm-"

"Mama. Thank you. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for putting up with me, taking care of the both of us, understanding me, for loving me, for being my everything and my reason to survive. I love you Mama. You're the best mother I could've ever asked for."

I quickly hug her as the tears began running down my face rapidly. I bury my face on her shoulder.

"Raina. Thank you Sweetie. From the moment you were born, you've been one of the greatest joys in my life. I couldn't ask for any better daughter than you. I love you Ray. I always will." She rubs my back trying to stop me from crying but that just eased more tears to fall.

"Your ticket Ma'am," one of the workers at the desk asks. 

I break my embrace with Mama and hand the lady my ticket. She returns the remaining piece to me. I turn around one last time to hug my aunt and mom and part ways. I couldn't turn back anymore. It was too hurtful to see their faces again. It would make me want to run back to them. I looked straight until I reached the plane. A flight attendant directed me to my seat along with a big box of tissues. I guess she knew I would be crying the whole flight. All the passengers of the plane boarded and instructions of how the aircraft worked were explained but I blocked all of it out due to my bawling. My eyes probably couldn't open anymore from crying so much. After we took off, I close my eyes to try and sleep. It's probably the only thing to stop me from crying, and hopefully it will wake me up from this nightmare.

 

AUTHOR'S NOTE

 

sorry, that it took forever to update. School and finals were a betch, but it's break! Woo! Hopefully you had a great holidays and will enjoy this update. Until then. Happy reading guys. :)