Chapter 1: The Beginning
You're Too BeautifulI pull out the knife I hid deep in the bathroom drawer and begin the usual. I slide the knife across my wrist until the lines transform into a dark red streaks. The pain felt relieving. I continued a similar process on other parts of my left arm. A tear in my eye clogged up my vision, but I swiped it away before it could fall across my face.
The reasons for this? Another hard day at school some would say, but not for me. The students at school hate me. They call me names like , and hoe, freak, , loner, easy, , and so much more. They would throw trash at me, beat me down to the ground, slap me, make fun of me, judge me, throw food at me, give me dirty looks and more unbearable things. I did nothing to these people and they treat me like a piece of . I don't know if it's because I dress differently, if I look differently due to being mixed races, if it's because I was more curvier than other girls here or if they knew anything about my family background or whatever it was, I didn't know. Cutting myself was the only thing I had left to think of.
I hear a door shut closed outside. The click clack noise of high heels in contact with the hardwood floor in the living room were all signs that I was no longer alone. "Raina! Sweetie! I'm home!" My mother's warm voice stretched throughout the house loud enough to hear but soft enough to sound sweet.
My mother was of Irish and Italian blood; her dark caramel face was a small and round shape with deep emerald eyes, high faintly pink cheek bones, and natural pouting lips; she had dark brown wavy hair that reached the top of her chest; her height was a good 5'5; she was a little chubby but her clothing always hid her unnecessary fats. My mother was the only real thing I had left. She was the only person that made me feel a sense of love. She's my everything. My mother is the only thing that keeps me alive. If I were gone, she would have no one to be with her. My mother would live in sorrow for the rest of her life. I could never let her live that way. With my father back in South Korea with his new family, my mother was left to raise me on her own since I was four. She worked well and hard for us to survive. She knows. She knows about the bullying. She knows about the cutting. She's tried to stop me, but I couldn't find the end to it. She tried to tell the principal and the head of the school district but they wouldn't budge. They said it was all my fault for letting it all get to my head and allowing it to affect me this way. My mother tried to take me to see a therapist but I rejected. She worried for me more than I ever wanted her to be. Being a single mom was enough for her. I didn't want to interfere. I didn't want to be another burden.
I was still in my bathroom with my head against the door trying to hear where she was in the house, but there were no distinct sounds. I suddenly heard the door knob cluttering which brought me to surprise. I quickly wipe the blood on the knife and shove it back in the drawer it belongs in. My mother slightly creaked the door open and pops her head inside. She focused at a downward area and I followed her train of vision. Her eyes were scanning my rolled up sleeve and the new cuts from today.
She sighs depressed and says,"Well, I assume I know how school has gone today."
She starts to close the door but before she could, I stop her.
"Mom wait!" I plead,"I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself. I'll try and stop this time. Don't be mad please. I love you." I move closer to her and hug her tight.
"I love you too," her reply was shaky. Something wet from above touches my hair. My mother immediately lets go of me and turns away. "I'm off to make dinner. I'll call you when it's ready."
With that note, she left the bathroom. I walk out as well and went into my room. Something was off. Mother seemed much more quiet. Much more melancholy. As if there was something bothering her. Maybe something happend at work today. She normally would come home with a smile on her face and tell me all the stories of her day. I guess I'll have to ask her during dinner. I sat down on my bed trying to do homework, but I couldn't think properly. Mom's behavior earlier was just too strange. Period maybe? Isn't she too old for that? I don't know. I just blankly stare into space as I wait to be called by her.
Moments later, a faint knock was heard on my bedroom door. "Dinner's ready now Raina. You can come out now," my mother said.
"I'm coming!" I said from the other side. I leave my room and walk to the dining room where dinner was always set. The smoke from her freshly cooked pasta began to rise as I took my seat directly across from Mother.
She watches me take a bite,"Does it taste good?" She asks. I nod with satisfaction as I thank her for another amazing meal. Dinner went on as usual. We talked about her work's new projects, the painting she's recently working on as a side thing, what goes on at school, if someone actually spoke to me today aside from the teachers and the bullies, how I'm feeling, and other topics.
Even though not much has changed in the way things go around in the household today, there was just something about the air that felt suffocating. It was an unavoidable tension. "Mama?" I call her cautiously.
"Yes Ray?" She replies.
"Never mind Mama. It's nothing." I back out.
"No honey, tell me. It's okay. Just tell Mama what's on your mind," she moves her hand to motion for me to follow through with what I was going to say.
I take a deep breath and ask,"Is something wrong Mama? You seem different today." I saw her eyes fill up with tears.
I immediately push my chair back and wrap my arms around her shoulders trying to comfort her,"No, no. Don't cry Mama. I'm sorry for asking. Don't cry please. I don't like seeing you cry."
"Ray," she softly says.
"Yes Mama?" I ask as I take my arms off of.
"I have something important to tell you." She confesses.
AUTHOR NOTE
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