Yuri and Cigarettes

feat. YulSic 

Originally there were three cigarettes. Originally three cigarettes would have been enough. One night should had been the end of it. But leaving belongings is an excuse to return, a way of forming ties with another person. But what happens when that belonging is no longer necessary? The first night, she brought a lighter. The second, one single cigarette. The third, a pack of them. Although the charismatic woman left after the deed, she had a feeling she would be returning often. And she was right. There were unmentioned rules to this unexpected relationship. Firstly, nothing serious would be discussed, only happy things. Secondly, they would not hold each other back. Thirdly, kissing is prohibited, well, actual kissing. Jessica knew that. 

She was a struggling poet who worked at bars, travelled with bands and couch-surfed like a professional. Then there were her eyes which seemed to see into your very soul, and that teasing crooked smile that appeared with every playful tease.  

"Do you have this brand?" Jessica pulled out the packet and showed it to the convenience store worker. Although she had little interest in the male , it was hard to deny that he was good-looking. Whilst he inspected the packet and the brand, Jessica peeked at his name tag. Suho. It took her a few seconds to register what he had said. "Of course,"Suho appeared uncomfortable due to Jessica's obvious stare. He temporarily left the front desk and searched through the large stack of smokes they had in the store. He asked for an ID and once presented with hers, found the matching brand and passed them to her. 

After purchasing the packet, Jessica returned to her apartment which was approximately fifteen minutes away by foot. Another draining day. She tossed her coat onto the couch and took the pack of cigarettes out of her bag. Just what is she doing? She opened the packet and took out an extra three, sliding them into the original packet. The one that she purposely left behind. Her eyes fell onto the modern clock on her wall. Already six. Sighing, she shook her head. Her thoughts were filled with her again. What's going to happen once these belongings become useless to you?  

Well for people who do nothing but sleep together, it would be over. The ends remain loose and untied. They'd both continue with their current lives, ordinarily. Jessica knew that. 

For dinner she made spaghetti Bolognese, deliberately making extra. Just in case she came over and was hungry. Once Jessica made sure the gas was turned off, the windows and doors were all locked, she took a quick shower and climbed into bed. The location she resided in was not the safest. It was late and her cheap apartment was full of unusual sounds she had gotten used to. An occasional noise of a siren passed by and as the hours passed, the loud music got turned down and her neighbors had decided to stop having very loud . This would be the perfect location if she was an author. Indeed, the people living on her floor would be interesting to write about. But it was not time for her to be dreaming about being an author, it was late and she still couldn't sleep. As she turned for the hundredth time and observed the dim flashing of the electronic appliances, including her phone, she shut her eyes and tried to take her mind off things. The yoga classes she'd been attending should be helping her. 

"You're sick of me, aren't you." The girl pointed out calmly, with a small but knowing smile on her soft lips. She was nestled on Jessica's expensive leather couch, making herself at home and folding the page of the book she put down. The second the black haired woman met her gaze, Jessica found herself unable to talk. Kwon had this effect on girls. Yuri saw her reaction and smiled to herself, slowly sitting up. For some reason, Jessica was annoyed. She wasn't some sort of hooker Yuri could meet whenever she felt or a couch-surfing agreement. She was a person too. But it seems that Yuri didn't know that. 

"Of course I am. You come in and lounge around, then leave the next day." Jessica said flatly, tossing her robe aside as she started to get dressed for work. With her back turned to Yuri, she chose a white blouse and new blazer. “Are you really a poet? You never seem to write anything, and when I ask you to tell me one of your poems, you always back out.” 

Yuri shrugged. “I told you, my poems are my things. I don’t like sharing them.” 

Kwon kept her up all night. She had used almost every excuse possible and if her boss had not been on good terms with  Jessica's parents, she would've had her sorry fired long ago. There was no way Jessica could risk that, not with the turbulent relationship with her parents. As frustrating thoughts buzzed around in her mind, she silently scolded herself for getting involved with a difficult person. If she had not done this, such a complicated relationship would not had budded.  

"Then," Yuri's voice was suddenly closer. Jessica spun around to see Yuri, just a few centimetres away. The girl placed a packet of cigarettes on her bedside drawer. "Once this packet is used up, I'll leave."  Jessica scanned her eyes for signs of deception but the girl maintained her usual pokerface. 

"How many are there?" She asked, silently cursing for her wavering voice. Yuri's eyes locked with hers and for a heartbeat, Jessica felt like kissing her again. A few more seconds passed. It was almost as if Yuri was telepathic and sensed her thought. The tension was present in the room and Jessica knew it. Kwon's gaze shifted and she said coolly. 

"I dunno. That makes it fun though, don't you think?"

No. Jessica hates surprises. 

But Yuri doesn't know that. 

“Is this your idea of the ‘romance’ you allegedly write about?” 

 It didn't work. This was frustrating. Jessica let out an audible sigh and crawled out of bed. 12PM. She still had work the next morning. Her office is short on hands currently.

Jessica shut her eyes and willed herself to sleep. Sometime in the night she heard her door opening and the sound of the shower. In her drowsy state she caught the minty scent of Kwon Yuri. She felt the warmth of the body being pressed against her, the soft curls and breaths on her neck— followed by kisses to her neck and cheek. 

When Jessica woke in the morning, the woman was gone.

Perhaps it was just a dream. 

Their first meeting was far from romantic. Jessica was returning home from a good hour jog in the early hours of the morning when she heard screaming and angry shouting from an apartment near hers. The girl bent down to tie her shoes and watched intently as the door opened, she recognised her neighbour who lived in the apartment being a married woman called Junghee. Another woman, tall, tanned and undeniably attractive was ushered out of the house. Junghee's door slammed in her face. Jessica flinched slightly to the loud noise and slowly rose up, watching as the kicked-out woman rubbed her neck and sighed aloud. The woman had straight shoulder-length hair, sported a pair of fitting jeans and an army green jacket. Casual but flattering. When she turned, their eyes met. Jessica could not resist a smile to the awful position the woman was in, the woman ree. Jessica had no time to further inspect the female as her phone rang and she slipped back into her own apartment, feeling the gaze of the woman on her back the whole time. 

Later that night, Jessica went with a few friends to a local club. She was shocked to find out that the woman Junghee kicked out worked as a bartender there. Her friend rolled her eyes to Jessica's obvious stare and said rather bluntly, "You do realize she's gay right? When did you even play for the same team anyway? Don't tell me you just woke up and suddenly became enlightened." Trisha, her America-born Korean friend gesticulated with her hands, bangles chiming as they hit one another.

"If Jessi's gay let her be!" Her other America-born Korean friend, Sarah defended. "Why does who she sleeps with concern you?" 

The two pushed one another playfully and laughed. Jessica could only watch the bartender, whatever her name was, make drinks. She looked different. For one, her hair was pulled back into an effortless ponytail. Her clothes had changed too. She wore the typical black blouse and jeans, with minimal jewellery. Sarah's jab pulled Jessica's attention back in as Trisha rolled her eyes dramatically.

"Look, that girl's bad news." Trisha stated, noticing the way Jessica leaned in for more information. "Her name's Kwon Yuri, not exactly a good name." 

Sarah nodded, affirming Trisha's previously said point and continued in a hushed tone. "You see, she sleeps around a lot. I mean, nothing wrong with sleeping and having fun yeah? But she's a heartbreaker. , dates and fun she does, she loves the chase. She likes to woo ladies but the minute she gets into your pants, it would be the last and you'd never contact each other again.” 

Jessica huffed to her friends' comments. She was never a believer of rumours, she liked to meet a person before she made her own personal judgements. Trisha observed Jessica's expression and added. 

“It sounds like the perfect one-night-stand but it ain’t! Girls come crawling back to her for more but you know her, heartbreaker, she's already on top of the next one. She’s a poet too— a POET. She probably gets the ladies with her eloquence.“ 

"I'm not gay so you can calm down,"  she finally exhaled with one loud breath and downed her drink. She made eye contact with the said 'Yuri' and the girl cracked a slow smile in her direction. Sarah groaned, "OK great but she's coming on to you, sure you're not broadcasting gay vibes?"  Jessica shook her head absentmindedly, eyes fixed on her. Yuri felt her gaze and after dealing with three customers, slowly began to approach. 

Trisha continued with her persuasion.  "C'mon you know Junghee yeah? Neighbour, pretty cute, married... Divorced now. Somehow she got involved with Kwon and things changed. She divorced her husband for her. You know what Kwon did? She ran. Once things change, namely, the relationship, she makes a dash for it. Ask around the bar, all the girls know it." 

Jessica listened distractedly. This time, Yuri noticed her eyes boring into her skin, and as she turned and saw her, the tanned woman slowly made her way toward their stools. 

"Hey, can I get you ladies anything else?" Her voice was thick. 

"No thanks." Trisha chimed in before Jessica could say anything. 

Yuri tilted her head to one side innocently whilst stating, “It’s on me. Anything to get a smile from you beautiful ladies.” Yuri’s eyes were only on Jessica. 

“I think you mean, ‘lady’,” Sarah scoffed with a dramatic eye roll. “Don’t even try your charms on her.” 

This comment earned a husky laugh from the latter who tossed her head back, running her slim fingers through her hair. “Guess you caught me,” she agreed cheekily, “But, I insist. Even if I am trying to hit on you, a free drink is always good, no?” 

“I think-“

“She’s right on that one,” Sarah cut Trisha off with an eager nod. “Anything’s alright?” 

Yuri simply shrugged with a grin, “Yes, just make sure my boss isn’t watching.” 

"I'm going to go.” Yuri had told Jessica one night, three months ago as she pulled on her lace up boots. 

"You only come here for free , don't you?" Jessica couldn’t hide the hurt in her voice as she pulled the covers over her body. 

"You let me in." Yuri responded flatly, dusting her jeans as she retrieved her jacket. She turned and met Jessica’s gaze with cool eyes. “Relationships aren’t my thing, you know that Sica. I never tried hiding that from you. That was just part of our arrangement, y’know? I’m not ready to commit and I apologise for that.” 

Of course. Of course you’re never ready. Of course I’m the only one hurting. 

"Get out." Jessica whispered.

A frown was present on Yuri’s features as she said softly. 

“I’ve decided to quit smoking too.” 

When Jessica said nothing, the slender woman tugged on her boots and moved towards the door. 

"Leaving?"

"Yeah." 

"Bye."

Goodbye. 

The door shut and Jessica was left alone in her apartment again. It should not have been unusual. She should know best the fragility of relationships. Yet, somehow, she did not want to acknowledge it. The sober Jessica would have woke up and watched a tear jerking drama, but the heartbroken Jessica simply sank into her pillow and cried her heart out, until her voice went hoarse and drowsiness took over. She woke up in tears, from some sad dream she could not remember. Jessica has learned to not dwell on what was forgotten. She took a quick shower, re-applied her makeup and got dressed. She threw the pack of cigarettes and lighter in her handbag as well on her way out. As she closed her apartment door, she heard the familiar voice of her neighbor. 

"Sup," Taeyeon, who was still dressed in robes greeted tiredly, suppressing a yawn in the process. "Another early shift? Must to be an office lady." Her neighbour ran a hand through her messy hair, the evidence of one good night, no doubt. She and her girlfriend were the definition of the perfect relationship. At times, it made Jessica slightly envious. 

Jessica smiled to her comment. "Not that bad actually," she nodded in the direction of the stairs. "Just... Throwing out some trash." 

Taeyeon narrowed her eyes, "she's not gonna come anymore?" 

Jessica frowned slightly at her comment and shrugged. "She's not coming back." 

"I'm Sehun." A boy greeted her as she passed by. 

"You can have it." Jessica stuffed the cigarettes and Yuri’s lighter into his open palms. 

"You sure? This stuff's expensive." he said, tentatively receiving the fancy lighter and half-full pack of cigarettes. Jessica threw him an irritated glance and continued down the street, saying aloud: "Not as expensive as your medical fees once you start rotting." 

"But miss, if you're handing this to me, it means you smoke as well, right?" Sehun commented, effortlessly trailing after Jessica. "That's a bit hypocritical." 

She ignored him and rounded a corner. He was tall, however, every few quick steps she took was equal to one half-hearted stride. 

"Can I get your number or something?" 

She ignored him. 

It was sometime near midnight when she heard the door unlocking. It had been six months. Half the furniture from her apartment has been moved to her new flat. Everything besides the bed, couch, TV and wardrobes. The cool fall wind brought in the alluring scent of her perfume. It must be the spare key found under her doormat. Jessica was dead still, listening to her footsteps. She came close and the bed sunk a little. Soon, the only thing Jessica could breathe in was Yuri, the only thing in her awareness was her presence.  

"What are you doing here.”

"That didn't sound like a question." 

"It wasn't one." 

She sensed her arms reaching toward her for an embrace.  

"Don't touch me.” Jessica growled.  "I threw out the cigarettes and lighter too. We have no ties now. Right now you're just a stranger in my bed. Get out." 

Yuri murmured against her neck.  "I came back because I wanted to be with you." 

 "I wonder how many people you say that to a day." 

 "You won't believe me?"

 "No." 

 "What can I do to make you believe me?"

 Nothing. 

 Yuri shifted when Jessica said nothing.  "Can we start over?"

 "I don't want to." 

A sigh. Irritated.  

"Please, just hear me out."  The girl's low voice penetrated Jessica's thoughts once more. 

"In a perfect world, I will. But not tonight. I don't want to meet you anymore." 

 "Give me a reason, and I'll leave."

"I don't owe you anything." 

 "You do."

Jessica stiffened.

"I noticed that the packet never seems to end." 

 The silence was suffocating as Jessica tried to explain. 

"Perhaps I wanted something more to happen. But I'm not sure about it now. Please... Just leave, I need to sleep and I need to think." 

Jessica felt Yuri's lips on her cheek as her hand ran through her hair. Without another protest, the slender woman slowly pulled away from Jessica. 

"Goodnight." Her voice was gentle. "Sweet dreams." 

Jessica slept. For the first time, her bed seemed to big and cold without that body against her.  

Jessica woke in the morning to find a letter addressed to her.

I spend hours trying to compose something beautiful. 

Girls in the past have often asked me to tell them of the poems I wrote, to write a poem for them. Never did I agree nor did I ever fulfil such a foolish promise. 

Because surely only poor poets rely on the brittle thing that is love

unreliable, changing and short- a burst of finite emotion.

I’m not made for love, you see. 

The romanticism does not exist within me. 

But this girl has got me stuck. 

I’ve been rattling my brain for words

pictures

sounds

things— anything really,

to capture her in a moment. 

This language, which once seemed full of wonders and endless potential, ability,

suddenly seems dull, unworthy 

There are no right words to describe her

and I am sure you have all fallen in love with such a girl once. 

The girl who's eyes are comparable to New York City's lights, 

whose breath breathes life into your lungs, 

whose smile ignites the fire that had long been distinguished, 

an oasis in the desert, 

the rain that cleanses the earth, 

whose touch heals the worst of scars,

whose voice eases the worst of hurts, 

then suddenly, 

your lungs are not just lungs

your lips are not mere lips

your fingers are not mere fingers

And you wonder how someone so wonderful

had met you

And before you know it 

she's gone.

Yet this ache in my heart has not been filled

I am sure she is the one

that there will be no others

and the future seems so uncertain

but all I know is that, 

for the rest of my years, 

I will try to compose something 

as beautiful as her.