‘Have you ever thought about death?’

The fireplace crackled in response, making the two young men in front of it jump.

‘I think you just made it angry’ Junjin chuckled, moving further away and taking his glass with him. He had never drunk wine but he liked it. He felt giddy and light headed and the world was full of sun shines and puppies.

Andy followed his example, going back to the couch they had abandoned once they decided to lie in front of the fireplace.

‘It's just wood. It crackles,’ he muttered while looking in the distance, ‘But anyway. Have you?’ 

Junjin could feel his eyes on him, burning right through his skin. He had never had a problem with lying as it was one of the first things he’d learned during his childhood but he never lied to hurt anyone, just to get out of trouble. If he were to lie to Andy would it hurt him?

Mindlessly, he circled the rim of the glass, pleasantly surprised when it made a whistling sound.

'Hey! This thing-'

'Junjin, focus. Death'

'Right'

The flames still danced in the fireplace and Andy still waited for his answer. But he didn't want to think about death at all, not when he was finally feeling alive.

'Who hasn't, right?' Junjin smiled, his eyes turning to examine a piece of lint fallen on the carpet. 

The answer was not enough.

'I don't care about everyone else. What about you?'

Junjin didn't want to answer but he hated disappointing his new-found friend more so after a long pause he finally admitted.

'I guess I do think about it sometimes. When I'm all alone and it gets lonely and there just seems no meaning to life'

Junjin's glass stood forgotten on the cupboard, a feeling of unrest filling the room. Andy nodded, almost like he approved on the answer.

‘Then we’re the same’

The crackling of wood was the only music to their thoughts as both watched it with tired eyes, each deep in thoughts.

'But I'm not thinking about death now' Junjin said, his eyes suddenly lighting up. He liked it here, he liked Andy and his nice house. There were guest rooms and a large kitchen, a flat screen tv and soft carpets, and even a fireplace! He definitely wasn't thinking of dying now or of Andy's weak heart. But what about Andy himself?

‘How does it feel when you know that you’re going to die but don't really want that?’ against his better judgment Junjin wanted to know. He was curious, almost like a child reaching for his new toy even if he may end up damaging it. 

His own thoughts about death were just theories, sheer impossibility, a fantasy of some sort while for Andy this was his reality, his everyday struggle. The other shrugged in response, his eyes stubbornly fixed on the dancing flames. 

'I don't know'

'But that's - how can you not?'

How could he not? He had to feel something about it, right? If he had asked that so eagerly he sure thought aboout death a lot. One just didn't go about his life if they were to die in two or three months. Junjin wanted to ask some more but Andy's sad expression stopped him. Thoughtfully, he decided that maybe this was exactly how Andy should feel. 

His host stood up, going to the table and taking the bottle from it, pouring some more for himself and offering to Junjin.

‘You know, I shouldn’t' he admitted, suddenly shy, 'be drinking, you know' as if he were ashamed of misbehaving but then laughed, ‘but doing everything by the rules is boring and I have no time for that. The things I haven’t tried and the ones I still want to try are enough as they are’ and with that he sat down, taking a large gulp.

Junjin cast his eyes down, wondering if he also had many things left he still wanted to do and if he were to die soon how much regret would he have. Deciding that these were terrible things to think about he shook his head and shuddered. 

‘What do you want the most, though?’ he wondered aloud, asking that to himself more than to Andy.

‘Fall in love’ came the immediate answer, followed by a chuckle, ‘sappy, right?’

Junjin nodded, not because it was sappy but because he understood. 

‘Me too’ 

They sat, listening to the sond of the fire, immersed in a world on their own and it felt nice, but lonely. They were in a distant place, a lonely place, but now they at least could share their loneliness with each other. 

They sat there until only coals were left burning, the flame faltering and finally giving in, leaving them in darkness.

‘I’m not even sad' Andy’s voice rang quiet, as if he had been afraid to speak before, ‘but I hate them for pitying me'

---

It was half past ten and Junjin wasn't home. Dongwan kept staring at the clock in disbelief.

He did not deserve this.

He hadn't even bothered to change since he hadn't met up with Minwoo.

He so didn't deserve this.

He had been in a bad state of mind and he hadn't wanted Minwoo to know.

‘It’s alright’ he had told him over the phone, the disappointment dripping from his voice and yet Dongwan hadn't found it in himself to care. Maybe he had become as cold hearted as Hyesung but maybe it was because Minwoo was just another tool in their goals. Nothing more.

Half and two minuted past ten and still no Junjin.

Dongwan could have called he wanted to trust the younger although right now it seemed damnit near impossible. Junjin had made a promise and he needed that promise to be true. If not, what was he still doing here?

Something, someone had changed Junjin. He was becoming different but it wasn't because of them. Whatever it was was Junjin's secret and he could only hope to learn about it if he gave him his trust. He needed to know. Right about now he really needed something to hold onto.

The door creaked open and Dongwan’s head shot up.

‘What are you doing alone in the dark?’ Hyesung asked as he switched the light on, looking around with dissatisfaction.

‘Did you have such a bad evening that you're home early? I thought Minwoo was totally into you?’ he nonchalantly pulled off his shoes and his coat.

Without giving Dongwan the chance to answer he entered the kitchen, stretching and yawning as his joints popped.

'How's Junjin?'

Well, .

Hyesung sat down, looking at Dongwans with lazy eyes, this time actually expecting an answer.

'No tea?' He asked before the eery feeling that something was wrong crept up on him. He followed Dongwan's eyes looking at the clock and raised an eyebrow.

'What? Unusual quiet today'

Unwillingly he peeled his eyes away from the ticking device, his mind frantically thinking us some lies to tell to Hyesung.

'It’s- nothing’ he let out an awkward laugh, 'just- reminiscing' and looked away. If he was trying to distract Hyesung from not noticing that something was wrong this was not the way to do it. What was he going to say about Junjin? 

Oh, he went out for a walk? Ha ha. Funny.

Hyesung would go berserk and severe the head from his shoulders.

Luckily, Hyesung seemed absentminded today, as if he was other things on his mind so he didn't question Dongwan any further. Maybe he just didn't care. Instead, he sprawled out on the table, reasting his head on his outsreatched arms and closed his eyes.

‘So tired’ he mumbled as his breathing slowed down, ‘we walked all the way back to the bus stop and only then he insisted on driving me home which-’ he yawned, turning his head to the other side thus avoiding the ceiling light on his face 'was stupid because we were in the bus stop already and I don’t know what it is about that guy but really, so annoying. But I want to know because I’m tired of not knowing and he's just such a mystery that really-’ his voice drifted off until it faded completely and soon was replaced by soft snoring.

He had fallen asleep and Dongwan couldn't believe his luck. This was a blessing. His immediate death was postponed. 

But for how long?

Minute after minute passed and bit by bit Dongwan's nails shortened. He would wait for another ten minutes, twenty minutes most, and If Junjin wasn’t back by then he would call him. If he didn’t answer, he would wake Hyesung up. Then he would accept his fate and die.

Quietly, Dongwan tiptoed to the door and put his shoes on. Once outside, he took a cigarette out of his pocket, lighting it quickly and taking a drag. It was followed by a violent cough until he could breath again, taking another drag immediately. He had stopped smoking due to his health but he always kept a cigarette around for moments like these. His cold was not getting any better, his throat was sore and raw and he felt feverish.

He took another deep breath, letting the smoke fill his lungs and calm his nerves before he threw the rest of it on the ground. If Hyesung knew- but then again, did he even care? They barely talked apart from their usually morning routine. And when they talked it was about the plans or scams or anything but each other.

Not that he wanted attention all that much. He didn’t want anything, it was enough with a bit.

Working three jobs wasn’t a bother, not getting enough sleep on everyday basis wasn't a bother, running errand after errand wasn't a bother, paying for everything- it all wasn't a bother for him, he could handle it if only-

He looked at the cigarette, regretting having thrown it out so soon. He didn't need much but this was not enough.

While mourning his cigarette his ears picked up a faint sound. Someone was coming up the dark, empty staircase, the sound of the steps carried to him before their owner appeared.

‘Hey, Jinny’ Dongwan looked at him as he appeared, out of breath from all that climbing. He looked at him, unsure of what to expect, his hands nervously sneaking behind his back.

‘I’m a little late’

'Yeah, you're a little late'

Dongwan wanted to cry. Or laugh. Or both. Junjin looked like he usually did- the old sweater, unkempt hair and shy posture but  something was different. Something had changed but it wasn't thanks to them.

The way Junjin carried himself was more confident, his eyes full of determination.

‘Let’s go inside’ Dongwan decided, motioning for the other to follow him. They needed to talk but this was not the place for that.

‘You will tell me everything, right?’ 

Junjin nodded, quickly escaping inside the safety of the apartment. Hyesung was still sound asleep at the table, unaware of the happenings unrevealing around him.

‘Should we wake him up?’ Dongwan asked, looking at Junjin staring at the unusual sight. He plopped on the chair across the sleeping man and grinned, turning to Dongwan in excitement. 

‘This is the first time I see hyung like this! He does’t look manancing at all’ 

And with that he reached over to part some of the long strands of hair falling on Hyesung’s face. 

No, no he doesn't look menacing at all Dongwan thought, turning away, a suppressed feeling of disappointment resurfacing in his heart after all these years. He would throw everything away for the older if only he liked him at least a little bit. 

'Ah, let's let him be, Junjin. You said I should not wake him up' he said calmly, going straight to their bedroom, motioning for Junjin to follow. 

Things were as they were and the burning in his chest may be just his fever or the smoke from the cigarette. There was nothing he could ever do to stop it but he would not let it consume him entirely either. Now he needed to get answers from Junjin. 

The younger took one more lasting look at his hyung before getting up and following Dongwan. 

--- 

‘You’re paying’ Eric said as soon as he entered the bar and spotted his friend. 

'Who cares'

Minwoo rolled his eyes, shooting back the burning liquid. He’d started drinking about ten minutes ago and was pleasantly plastered by the time Eric had shown up. He’d been stood up, after all, and that had never happened to him. Never. 

‘You may laugh now but I’ll laugh later' he waved his glass at Eric, his head dizzy. Drinking on an empty stomach had been a great idea, the results almost immediately. 

Congratulations, you've become an alcoholic, Minwoo he thought to himself before grabbing another glass from behind the counter and offering it to Eric. He grinned innocently at the bartender side-eyeing him and poured some of the whiskey into the glass, passing it to Eric.

'There you go' he said, both clicking their glasses together and downing the liquid in one shot. 

‘So- not that well?’ the taller nudged, taking the bottle from Minwoo and pouring himself another one. The bar was the one they had frequented a long time ago but had stopped after his father’s funeral. He’d drunk himself to unconsciousness that time, only staying alive thanks to Minwoo. It was a bleak memory of a bleak time but there he was once again. 

‘When I pass out, you carry me this time’ Minwoo said when he took the next shot. 

Alcohol was not meant to be drunk like that, Eric shook his head, looking at the dust-covered bottles on the upper shelves. 

‘It’s not like that's going to be hard’ he grinned, surprised when the other didn’t protest at his jab of his height. That was unusual.

‘So it’s really serious this time?’ he wondered and Minwoo nodded, putting the glass down. He looked smaller than usual, cramped up in his chair, his expression gloomy. 

‘You’re exaggerating 

‘No’ Minwoo grabbed the bottle to pour some more but decided to drink straight from it instead. At the speed he was going Eric wondered if he may not have to take his friend to hospital instead so he pried the bottle from Minwoo's unwilling fingers. He accepted the angry glare in his direction, convinced that it was better his friend was angry at him, not dead.  

'He stood you up, so what? It’s one date but you act as it the world’s ending. Maybe it was about time it hit you, Minwoo because God knows I’ve been telling you one day you’re getting back all what you've done to others'

The shorter snorted at that, distracting Eric by jabbing a finger in his side and stealing the bottle back. 

‘You don’t get it’ he poured his glass full, letting out a truly desperate sight, ‘I think I love him’ he gulped the content down, starting to gag in the middle, spilling the liquid back into the glass and spitting what was left out of his mouth. 

‘And now’ he looked at Eric with his bloodshot eyes, ‘I must drink myself unconscious’ 

Without further explanations, he passed out, losing his balance and falling off the chair  

A/n: Let it go, Andy, let it go. 

Also, I will never grow tired of RicMin. If I were to write this story now those two would have long ago face. I want to finish this till November but that seems impossible. It's only like what, 10 more chapters? *cries* ok, maybe 8... *cries some more*