In the years that she had been a trainee with SM Entertainment, Risae had become quite convinced that it was the center of all gossip in the world – or at least in Korea. Rumors traveled fast around the halls of the main building, among employees and idols and actors and trainees alike. And by the next morning, everyone was convinced that Risae and Hyunwoo were the new hot item.

Risae didn’t particularly like being the center of attention like this. When she and Minseok had first broken up, everyone had known within what seemed like hours and Risae had hated it. The rumors had flown around like crazy, which had hurt a lot. People speculated that Minseok had gotten bored of her now that he was going to debut. Others suspected that Risae had gotten pregnant from another guy and was trying to pin it on Minseok but he had been too smart to believe it. Others still believed that one of them – or both – had some sort of terrible illness. But then the truth had come out and Risae had hated that even more. The pitying looks, the whispers behind her back.

But this sort of attention was worse than all that. Some people though she was a , hopping from one would-be idol to the next. Others were more sympathetic, thinking ‘good for her’ and ‘she’s moving on,’ but it was sympathy Risae didn’t want or need. She wanted to be known for her talent, not who she was or was not dating.

What made the whole thing more ridiculous was that she and Hyunwoo weren’t dating. So she’d agreed to go on one date with the guy. That didn’t mean she was his girlfriend now or anything.

“Just ignore them,” Haneul suggested. It was one of their brief breaks during vocal rehearsal and they were lounging in a corner away from the other trainees, who were busy gossiping behind their hands about Risae’s supposed new relationship status. “It doesn’t matter what they think. Now go get me some juice from the vending machine.”

Risae grumbled about it, but she was thirty herself and so she took her money down to the vending machine at the end of the hallway.

That’s where Minseok cornered her.

“Risae.” His voice was loud enough that she jumped, nearly dropping the bills she had in her hand.

“Jeez, don’t creep up on me like that!” she exclaimed, hand pressed over her heart. “You nearly gave me a heart attack!”

But then she really took in Minseok’s appearance and her words stuck in . He looked like , and that was really saying something considering how he’d looked at their last meeting. There were purplish bags under his eyes like he hadn’t been sleeping and he looked like he’d dropped several pounds, like he wasn’t eating properly. It was probably the worst Risae had ever seen him. Then she had to remind herself that she didn’t care anymore.

“Is it true?” he asked, voice hoarse and thick. He wet his lips nervously. “Is it true that you’re dating Lee Hyunwoo?”

Risae scoffed in disbelief. “That’s really want you want to talk about? Well it’s none of your business.”

“Don’t do this, Risae,” he said, his voice breaking. “Don’t.”

She felt guilt bubbling up to the surface, and she hated that she felt guilty so she got angry as well. “Don’t what, Minseok?” she demanded, voice rising. “If I’m not allowed to date anyone else, am I just supposed to be alone for the rest of my life?”

“That’s not-” he began, but she cut him off.

“No, you lost all right to tell me what to do,” she snapped, unable to stop now that she’d gotten started for fear of her guilt taking over. She put her money in the machine and got two bottle of juice. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got to get back to rehearsal and-”

He grabbed her arm roughly and spun her around, pushing her so that her back was pressed flush against the front of the vending machine. “Risae,” he said, and his voice cracked again in a way that was downright painful for her to hear.

She had to look away, because there was something in his eyes that made her heart ache in the most painful of ways – even worse than the steady pain that had been there since she’d first learned of his indiscretion. “I’m sorry, Minseok,” she said, and she pushed past him to return to rehearsal.

“You don’t look like you’re very excited for your date,” Haneul said skeptically that evening. Risae was sitting in front of their mirror, applying eyeliner in a half-hearted sort of way.

She sighed, capping the eyeliner and tossing it back into her makeup bag. “I’m excited,” she said, though she didn’t sound it. “I really like Hyunwoo. He’s a nice guy. But…”

“But you still love Minseok?” Haneul suggested.

Risae chucked a tube of lipstick at her best friend. “You say that like it changes anything. It doesn’t.”

“Well going out with someone you don’t have feelings for while you’re still in love with your ex certainly doesn’t change anything either,” Haneul pointed out, catching the lipstick with ease and examining the color.

Risae frowned at her reflection in the mirror, a pale, dark-haired shell of the vibrant person she had once been. “Maybe if I go out with him I will get feelings for him,” she said, though she didn’t sound very convinced.

“Denial,” Haneul said in a sing-song voice, tossing the lipstick back. “Wear this color. It’ll go well with that skirt.”

Half an hour later, Risae met up with Hyunwoo in the lobby of the building they all lived in. He was the epitome of a gentleman, complimenting her on her outfit and her hair, holding open the door for her when they exited the building, double-checking with her to make sure his choice of restaurant for dinner was acceptable. In fact, he was much more conscientious than it seemed Minseok had ever been when they were dating. But part of that, Risae found herself thinking with some regret, was that Minseok had known her so well that he didn’t have to ask her these things. He just knew. And he knew how to compliment her without making it too obvious.

She gave herself a little shake. She had to stop comparing Hyunwoo to Minseok. He would never be Minseok. No one would ever be Minseok but Minseok.

“Risae?” Hyunwoo’s voice broke into her thoughts and Risae started. They were at dinner, and she’d been spacing out. Again. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t keep her mind off Minseok.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, blushing and trying to hide it by sipping her tea quickly. “I’m such a space cadet sometimes.”

He smiled, but it was a placating sort of smile. “Your mind is elsewhere,” he suggested, a statement rather than a question.

She forced a matching smile. “Yes, I suppose you’re right.”

“You’re thinking about Minseok, aren’t you?” Hyunwoo said, and she blushed even more and coughed into her tea.

“I don’t-” she began, but then Hyunwoo gave her a knowing look and she dropped the lie. “Yes, I was. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Hyunwoo. It’s not fair to you, I know, but-”

“But you’re not over him.” Again, a statement rather than a question.

Risae hung her head in shame. “I hate that I still have feelings for him,” she confessed. “But I can’t help it. I still care for him so much in my heart.”

“It’s okay,” Hyunwoo assured her, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze across the table. “You don’t have to apologize or feel guilty. You and Minseok were together for a long time. It’s only natural.”

“Doesn’t it…hurt your feelings?” she asked tentatively.

“It hurts my ego a bit,” he admitted with a chuckle. “And I do like you, Risae, but I would never want to date someone who wasn’t all the way in it. It’s not really fair to either of us, don’t you agree?”

She nodded, somehow feeling both disappointed and relieved at the same time. “Let’s still be friends though, okay?”

He smiled. “Of course.”

After that, it seemed like a huge weight had been lifted off Risae’s shoulders only to be replaced by another one. She knew now that she wasn’t over Minseok and that she couldn’t properly move on, but she also knew that going back to Minseok wasn’t an option. Once a cheater, always a cheater. That’s what her grandmother had told her. And Risae couldn’t survive being cheated on a second time. She really couldn’t.

“I had a good time tonight, despite everything,” Risae chuckled awkwardly when they reached the lobby, where they would part for the evening. “I really am sorry for the way things turned out, though.”

“I already told you to quit apologizing,” Hyunwoo said, eyes twinkling. Then he bent down and pecked her lightly on the cheek. “For what it’s worth, Risae, I think you and Minseok make a great couple.” And then he was gone.

Haneul was waiting up for Risae when she reached their room, curled up in her bed with a cup of tea and a book. She looked up when her best friend let herself in. “How was the date?” she asked eagerly, marking her place in her book and setting it aside.

Risae laughed a little bitterly and tossed her bag into a chair. “I don’t really think you can call it a date,” she admitted, sinking down onto the edge of Haneul’s bed. “Hyunwoo and I agreed to be just friends.” She sighed heavily. “Unnie, I don’t think I’m over Minseok yet.”

Haneul only patted her hand comfortingly. “It’s about time you realized that, kiddo.” 

Guys, in just three weeks, I will be officially living in South Korea. I'm sort of freaking out about it now.