“Jeon Ha Na, ileona~ Ha Na-ah, baby, it’s time to wake up~”

   “Myung Soo..?” a way too familiar voice awakened me, as I recognized it to belong to him, for sure. There’s no doubt. “Myung Soo is it you?”

My voice was hardly hearable and it sounded frail, showing thoroughly my current despairing state. “Myung Soo is it you?!” I hissed as I jolted up and stood on both my weak legs. My eyes wackily searched for him in my chamber, but I couldn't catch even a glimpse of him at all. I must look like a madwoman.

“Jeon Ha Na, ileona~ Ha Na-ah, b-”

BANG

My phone got threw away strongly, and it crashed on the hard floor, producing a shrinking noise. I don’t know where I found this strength, presumably from the anger I felt rising in my body from the moment I heard his voice echoing in my room. Was I wishing to see him appearing as a ghost?

  “I’ve gone crazy.”

It was actually my alarm clock. I found recently that Myung Soo recorded this on my computer, without me knowing. He enjoyed preparing surprises for me and I was always glad and thankful to him for that. His quiet, little attentions never failed to move me to the extent that tears often bloomed in my eyes. “For everything you’ve done for me, thank you.”

---

   “Daughter, do you want a ride to school today?” My father kindly asked me, expecting me to accept his offer, something I didn’t do though.

   “It’s okay, don’t tired yourself and take time to eat correctly your breakfast. I’m going.” I opened the door and was welcomed by the morning cold wind as I stepped out of my home. I tightened my grip on the shoulder trap of my bag and started walking faster to escape the cold weather sooner. I got into the bus where I seek for warmth and rode it for a little amount of time before reaching my university.

   “I wish I could have the warmth he always gave me when I was feeling cold. Because I miss it.”

Dae In Prestige University

   “Prestige..” I found myself laughing at the word. “Although it’s a really good school, most of the students here are wealthy people child. Not that I mind, I’m not talking to them anyway.”

Based from the gaze, a mixture of incomprehension, mockery and pity, people were giving me when I walked past them, I must be a frightful person to them.

Of course, since I’m not rich, I can’t be in their ‘groups’. Plus, I look horrible now. Thin, pale, always looking tired and weak, the polar opposite of my look before the accident occured. “Kim Myung Soo, you’re the one who made me become so pathetic-looking.”

Once class was over, I went for a walk by Han river. It's my place of predilection when I’m feeling down, namely everyday.

   “Myung Soo, are you looking at me from up there?” I looked up at the clouded sky and whispered lowly. A sigh escaped my mouth.

I sat down somewhere I considered to be a good spot, and simply let my eyes traveled from place to place, observing everything and noticing every details of the landscapes which were offering themselves in show.

Taking out my Ipod, I plugged the earpieces into my ears, and let music flew out from them. It somehow helped appeasing my troubled heart, and also clearing the negative thoughts. However, they came back almost immediately after, when I see or hear something which reminds me of him.

It took me not long to understand I couldn’t live my life without Myung Soo being by my side. I attempted to forget him many times in the past, I tried to let go of him and wanted to keep walking my path as I should be doing.

But no.

All my decisions, gestures, thoughts are directly or indirectly related to him.

How silly I am.

Are you listening to my heart?

Are you seeing my tears?

You make m-

  “Yeobuseyo?” I answered the phone and it was my mum who was the call’s author. “Dear, where are you?” “I’m near Han River.” “Come back home. It’s late, plus the wind is blowing quite strongly outside. I don't want you to catch a cold.” “Arasseo mum, I’m coming back right now. Don’t cook anything, tonight I will do it.” I pictured my mum’s face when I heard her little laugh through my phone, “Alright Ha Na. It’s been a while since you last cooked for us. I’m impatient to eat your tasty dishes.” I smiled at her answer, “Thank you mum. I hope I won’t deceive you then.”

---

  “I’m back!” I shouted after taking off my shoes. I putted my bag on the floor and uncovered myself of my coat. I walked straight to the kitchen, washed my hand and collected all my concentration to prepare an eatable dinner for my parents.

   “Dinner is ready!” After one hour spent in the kitchen, I finished. I had prepared Chinese dishes, and in guise of rice, Udon noodles.

Hearing no replies from my parents, I went to check if they were even at home. I saw a heart-warming sight upon entering the salon : they fell asleep on the couch, close to each other, with mum’s head resting on father’s shoulder, and his cheek on top of her head. I hesitated to wake them up. I scrutinized their every features and watched them breathing slowly and rhythmically.

“Sorry for being egoistic. You’re both so tired already, and I’m still being so immature and tiring you even more by not making efforts to forget him. Dad, mum, I’m sorry to be a burden for you.” A tear slipped down my cheek. I quickly dried it and shook them awake.

   “When did you come back..” mum’s husky voice asked me. I think she was deeply asleep for not even hearing me when I came back home.

  “Dinner is ready. I came back one hour ago. Let’s eat.” I dragged them to the kitchen and sat them down on their attributed chair.

  “It looks so yummy! You’re really a great cook dear. We will eat well.” Dad complimented me and I couldn't not smile at his jolly tone of voice.

  “It’s the Udon I love~” my mum clapped her hands together, she looked at me gratefully and urged me to eat too. “I will eat mum so start digging in the noodles before it gets cold.” I smiled at her. I then realized something.

“Why am I doing everything according to his taste, when he doesn’t even belong to this world anymore?”

Udon was his favorite Korean dish.

I swallowed hard in order not to cry again. I already promised myself not to cry in front of my parents even though I failed to do so on my birthday lately. “Don’t cry don’t cry.” I repeated it several times and succeed in titling the threatening-to-bloom-out tears back into my eyes.

  “Honey, what are you doing? Not eating?” father tilted his head questioningly.

   “I am.” I quickly put a spoon of noodles in my mouth and bitterly ate the rest of my food afterwards.

I lay down on my bed, and stared at the ceiling blankly.

Myung Soo.

   “Oh right..” I grabbed my diary and started reading one page I randomly picked. It’s a habit I’m having. To reminisce the memories I shared with him, I read every night, before sleeping, a page of my diary.

I can’t be looking even more pathetic right? Clinging so dearly onto someone who’s dead.

You left this world. So now, please leave my heart too.