It’s been already two years, exactly, since it happened. I'm turning 20 today.

Everything has changed since that day. Nothing will ever be the same anymore.

When I was smiling, you were here.

When I'm crying, you're not.

Everyday, I’m living with a hole in lieu of my heart. My face betrays no emotion. My eyes are dispossessed of any kind of lights. My lips never curl upwards. My arms lifelessly balance when my feet try with difficulty to help me walking and even standing up.

I lost hope.

I don’t feel like a living person anymore while I’m supposed to be alive. I’m more likely a ghost who took the appearance of a human being, with who knows what magic used. My soul has long left me here, alone, with nothing to keen on anylonger.

I feel lifeless.

I would have gladly left this unfair world if it wasn’t for the love and attachment I’m having for my parents. If it wasn’t for them, there would be a grave with ‘Jeon Ha Na’ written on.

I want to die.

Every morning, after waking up, I wish I was only dreaming; that I must wake up from this dreadful nightmare. I'm always wondering why I’m constantly making the same terrible and feared nightmare. But I know, every single time, that I'm being a fool thinking it was only a story I imagined in my head while dozing off when it’s actually the harsh reality. And every single time, it hits me hard on the face.

Let it be a dream, please.

Tears were flowing down like waterfalls when I newly heard about it . Now, I’m trying to stop them from rolling down my cheeks because if I do let them run, I will look even more miserable and pathetic than I already am.

I don't want to cry.

Pain has become my bestfriend as it never stray away from my side throughout this whole time when I’m being out of my mind. I, honestly, don’t think I will ever come back to my old true self simply because it had vanished, completely, and it doesn’t have the intention of coming back ever again.

Where did my old self go?

Sorrow immaculately keeps me company. Nostalgia often comes knocking into my mind, making me let bitter smiles escapeing my lips; they're full of regrets, sadness, grief.

Nostalgia, get away please.

The dark circles under my eyes are more and more colored in deep black. My face is extremely pale, almost ghost-like, making me look like a monster which is coming right out from a horror film. I sometimes get freaked out at my own reflection in the mirror. I get thinner and thinner as days went on because I’ve lost all my appetite ever since it occurred. I scarcely eat food in order not to worry my parents any more than they already are for me. I had no intention to drag my parents into feeling my pain and misery but it came to happen. I notice the new wrinkles appearing on their faces everytime my eyes land on them.“Sorry Daddy, Mummy.”

I swear I’ve gotten much older-looking too. Tiredness takes over me daily. Instead of sleeping, I’m trying to mitigate that terrible state of mine with gulping down big cups of coffee on each day. It’s not good for my health and I perfectly know that, since I originally was the one nagging my entourage for them to not drink a high quantity of this beverage because it’s harmful for the body.

What did I look like before?

Despite the barely surmountable lifestyle I’m having, I’m going to school. Surprising right? I have always been good in my academics and for the sake of my beloved ones who gave birth to me, I entered a prestigious university. I will need to survive on my own because I can’t be counting on my parents forever.

I have one bestfriend only, Joo Yoon Hee. She is the only one who stays by my side when I'm building this invisible wall around myself to be able to cry peacefully my heart out; she is the only one who gives me genuine smiles and who I can shed my tears with; she is the only one who doesn't pity me on my desperate state but instead gives me a needed support and cheers me up. When everyone, except for my parents, left my side, she was here. She has always been here and I believe she will still be in the future. I’m sure she feels my pain and I’m scared it will affect her bubbly and cheerful personality and that she will change in not a so good way, like how I changed drastically. Guiltiness invades me everytime I see the extremities of her lips dropping down, when I wasn’t giving the righteous reaction to her tries to make me smile. I’m not worth her worry and her concern at all, “I’m Sorry, Yoon Hee.”

I hate my birthday. I hate it so so much. Younger, my birthdays were the most expected events in the year along with Christmas because it meant presents, cakes, parties, memories and laughs. It’s, no doubt, the monumental event in the lifetime of a kid. Nonetheless, it’s none of these anymore. Amidst all the 365 days of a year, it's the worst one. Hatred, pain, wrath are what I feel the most everytime that day comes. Just like today.

                    The 22th of September.

The first day of the season when people are welcomed by a cold weather and when nature is dying to let colorless landscapes showing up : Autumn.  

Right now, my blood cannot circulate smoothly in my veins as angriness is rushing in my whole body, electrifying the aura around me. However, shortly after, my angriness was replaced with grief. I screamed in pain. I crouched down on my knees. They had become jelly as all my energy left melt away at the speed of light. I am not even giving myself time to grasp for air. I can't see plainly the object I'm holding because my vision is blurred with tears.

I'm holding onto a picture of us.

“Daughter, please, stop crying..” My mum whispered, letting her tears hurtling down freely. At first, I was struggling to break free from her hug but ended up crying in her embrace, harder than earlier. She knows what is going on, why I'm being emotional like this and immediately came in my room when she heard me shouting. Today is not a happy day even though it's my birthday. It's a hateful one which reminds me of the most horrible thing that happened to me.

        On the same day, exactly two years ago, Myung Soo died from an accident.