31st October 2013

Dear Diary,
Its almost midnight already but I will be writing about the activities that happened today after opening the door... 

I never expected that someone would come today, I was totally surprised that there was someone who dropped by my dorm. He was someone who wore disguise. He wore a black tee-shirt with a pair of jeans and he wore his baggy black jacket with the hood on; on top of that, there was a black cap and his shades. 

“Oppa,” Was the first thing I spoke upon opening the door. Before I can do anything, his warm arms immediately found its way and wrapped around my shoulders. His hands were swift and there’s one thing that can be concluded, he’s a dancer. My reaction? I wrapped my arms around his waist; it’s a friendly hug after all. 

“Taemin oppa is free today so I am here to check if you are free, it had been a while since we hang out,” He said.

“Bad oppa! You told me that you were busy just now," I whined a little while sending a playful hit to his chest.

“I’m sorry… I was busy but I realised my schedule ended early and there isn’t any other schedule for the day,” He reasoned while I remained silent. “Sorry…” He said as he put his hands together and dragged the word ‘sorry’ long using his cute voice purposely. At that moment, I really wanted to laugh but I suppressed it and I was certain my face was replaced with a poker face as I wondered what his next action would be. 

Indeed, his next action did surprise me. He walked towards me and was about to wrap me into his arms when I took a step backward, there he missed. However, his movement was swift and it made him looked like he expected my movement, his right hand reached out for his pocket and there was a cute Stitch key chain. He whispered, “Hey Mingkki, forgive me… Next time I will tell you when I’m free, okay?” 

Gosh, he’s charming. I was squealing in my brain. I just didn’t want to show him that he won but little did I know, my hands were finding its way to grab that Stitch key chain. I was okay with that but I was surprised that my hands found its way around Taemin oppa’s waist just to get that keychain.

I looked up, smiling at him. Gosh, he’s so charming… I can’t take it; I need an oxygen tank now! 

Luckily he pulled me back to reality as his face leaned closer to mine. How did that move help? He was stepping into my comfort zone. Friendship hugs are okay but kisses? No! I need to reserve my first kiss for my future husband. Taemin? He’s just a friend so, I took my hands away from his waist and leaned backwards.

Guess what?

It was the wrong move! His arms were tightly embracing my back. Then I realised when I lost my balance and fell on the ground. I was lying on the flat floor on my back with him directly on top of me. It was awkward…

Ding!

The oven timer’s rang. I owe you a life, my oven, you saved me!

He loosened his embrace and allowed me to stood up and so I went to the kitchen and took the cookies out. 

When I walked into the living room about ten minutes later, it was as if everything is back to normal. So, I offered him the cookies.

"Mingkki, can you be my date today?" He asked.

"Sure"

I expected it to be a hangout between two friends.

"Hey, I will drive you to somewhere," He offered.

"Sure," That would be the first time I ride on his car.

In the car, I was staring at him the whole time while talking to him. He's handsome, but still rather pretty. You can't make a pretty boy not pretty.

Upon arrival at the beach, I took in a deep breath. The fresh air filled my body and the waves were clashing against each other. It had been quite some time since I visited a beach. The excitement took over me and I was running towards the shore. I stood there with my bare feet having my foot standing next to the other foot. I spread out my arms and I was sure that from a far my body shape looked like a 'T' as I breathe in fresh air. Then a pair of arms from behind wrapped around my waist. I turned around and saw Taemin oppa. I smiled. 

"Taemin Oppa, what's with that? We aren't filming Titanic, are we?" I asked, tilting my head towards him and he smiled. I faced the front again, as I enjoyed the cooling breeze. Then, I felt his head leaned forward and rested on my right shoulder. His head turned towards my direction, looking at me. We were so closed to the extent that I could feel his hot breath against mine. We were only centimetres away from each other lips and that made my heart palpitated. My mine was still processing the whole incident until I felt his juicy lips claimed mine. My eyes were widened in shock as warm fluid escape from my eyes. What had he done? What had he made me to do? Why did do to make me respond to that kiss?

I think I made a right move and that is to run away. I ran away from him and away from him to somewhere I think it’s far. Then I called my manager and sent me back to my dorm after I dried my tears.

The tears that contained joy, it felt as if I fell in love with him and getting his lips was an accomplishment. The tears that contained sadness, it was because I my first kiss to someone who is my good friend. The tears that contained hurt as that first kiss was so sudden and got stolen. The tears that contained rage as I never intended to kiss in public. The tears that contained confusion with questions popping in my head such as, ‘Why would I respond to the kiss?’, ‘Did I fell for him?’, ‘Why did he did that?’ The tears that contained worries with questions such as, ’Were there people around just now? Did they take a video or photo? Would they upload to the social media?’

Then I began to wonder, if that I had fallen in love with him would he love me back? Or is it an unrequited love? I wasn’t sure. If it is love, what about our careers? What about our friendship?

I fear to think more. I need someone to comfort me but it will be weird. I can’t tell my 2NE1 unnies as they will began wondering with teases. I can’t tell my Big Bang oppas as it seemed weird for me to be in love because I don’t know what love is, I never experienced love. I can’t tell of my label mates as they will interrogate me; not my juniors as they will begin teasing; not my seniors too as they will be worrying about me. I can’t ask my parents for help, it seemed practically weird to ask parents for advice on such things. I can’t ask my other friends too. All I know am I can pen down my thoughts.

I wish someone would be there to guide me. I have no idea what to do. All I know is that I have to avoid Lee Taemin until I decided what to do. Whether to accept his feelings, whether to just be good friends with him or whether to be strangers? I am not sure.

All I know is to seek sleep while bawling out my eyeballs.

Nights,
Confused Minji