' Dear Steph,

I don’t know why I’m writing this but just so you know, this is a letter that I have never had the courage to give you. There are so many things I wanted to say but I remain speechless every passing day we’re together. So instead of telling it to you I just rather have it written on paper at least that would release some burdens off of my chest.

I don’t really remember how we first met or how you became my friend. All I can remember was that you were very loud and all smiley everytime I see you. You even made up a new nickname for me. You called me Jessi. You are and will always be the only one who could call me that.

Today, you were so excited seeing me after a long semester break. You would hug me and we would twirl around as if no one was watching. You smiled at me and I did too. It was something normal for us.
I look at you and you look at me and we would smile as if knowing what was in each of our heads. It’s just a funny intuition. I would constantly visit your classroom since you came from a different class. You would squeal in delight after seeing me. Again, we would hug then I held your hand and we would talk endlessly.

Days, weeks then months had gone by and before I knew it, I have fallen for you, Steph. I know you might think I’m kidding but it’s true. I love you and that’s all there is to it. Then one night I logged on to my messenger and you were online as well. I was about to send you a pm but you beat me to it. I remembered I pouted just because of that. I read your pm and my heart sunk from reading it. “Jessi, I think I like someone.” It said.

I sighed as I realized who that person might be. I guessed that it was my childhood friend, Siwon, since most of the girls in your class are swooning over him. I mean who wouldn’t like him? I even had a crush on him when we were eight. I guessed correctly. You liked him. Then, Siwon just logged in.

This was where it hurts me the most. I knew that I was only a friend to you and what I was feeling has got to go. So I did what I had to do. I told Yuri about it since she was also logged in and she said I was insane, a total martyr but this just goes to show how much I love you, Steph.

I pm-ed Siwon asking who he likes. He was being stubborn and making me guess. But it was clear enough that he likes you too. I told him that we were going to hang out and asked him if he wanted to come. He said sure. 

You know very well how it ended. You dated him during our senior year in high school. A lot of girls and guys were envious of the perfect couple. Both of you were the brightest students in school. He was even the class president. So you hit it off well together.

I would see you two so happy with each other. You caught me staring at you. I noticed it and gave you a smile and a thumbs up. I get to see you happy so I should be happy as well, right? If I were to give you up to anyone then I would pick Siwon. He is indeed a great guy.

Senior year ended. We had a great graduation and before we knew it we were busy getting ready for college. You, Sooyoung and I were able to go to the same university together in Seoul. Hyoyeon and Yuri in Gwangjin while Taeyeon and Sunny decided to stay in our hometown in Incheon. Seohyun was still in high school so she stayed in Incheon as well.

You didn’t really take it well when Siwon decided to study in Gwangjin. I knew you were sad I can see it behind those smiles you were giving out. So I just told you to maintain communication at least that’s what I heard from all those romantic movies we’ve watched.

It was kinda sad that you had to stay at your aunt’s place. I really wanted for the three of us to stay together in one dorm. I got stuck with the shikshin. You said you’ll miss me and I did too. I think of the positive about this. Not being able to see you meant a great opportunity for me to forget about you. I mean my feelings for you.

Sooyoung said I was being an idiot for thinking that. I said that it couldn’t helpt to try. Yes, I tried hard to forget about you. But my stupid heart would always find you. I didn’t even realize that everytime it was my vacant period I would find myself in front of your college building. You would come out looking surprised but would eventually run towards me and do our favourite hug together.

I told myself to never do that again so as soon as I see you I would frantically runaway. I would hide myself behind the bushes or a tree or a person. I looked weird in every situation just so you know. Before I knew it I found myself being able to resist going towards your college building.

One night someone sent me a text message. It was an unknown number. I read the message and it came from someone named Donghae. It took me a moment to realize that it was one of our schoolmates when we were in high school. He said he was also studying in the same university as I am. He asked me if we should go out for lunch sometime. I said yes.

Days passed by and I came to realize that he was such a good guy. It was easy to fall for him any other girl would except for me. Sure, I like him but that’s all there is. I like him like a friend would but I guess I have to go with it just to forget about you and I did.

I was late for my class and was hurriedly walking towards my building. Yes, I was still walking even if I was late. You know how much I hate running. I checked my time when I suddenly bumped someone. It was you. You said sorry and didn’t realize it was me so I called out your name. You looked at me and faked a smile. I forgot that I was even late since I was more worried about you. So we talked.

You and Siwon weren’t going so well. It was obvious that Siwon’s studies were his first priorities. I couldn’t even believe that it has been one month that you haven’t talked with each other. I told you that it may not end well and you said you love him and you’re ready to wait. I felt my heart hurt. Because of your tears? No. Because there were no tears. You just smiled. You always do that. It pains me whenever you do that. I tried to comfort you but you said that I shouldn’t, because you know that everything would be okay. But it didn’t. After a week, you two broke up.

I should be rejoicing but I wasn’t. I would constantly follow you around and see if you were okay and you weren’t. You became paler. Your eyes would always be puffy and you would constantly show those fake smiles of yours. You were hurting.

I didn’t even realize that I was hurting someone else. It was Donghae. Since I would constantly watch over you, I always had to cancel our dates. So I decided. I have to break up with him. It was unfair for him that I didn’t really love him. I just needed him as a comfort zone for me to forget a girl named Stephanie Hwang.

Sooyoung told me that I was insane for giving up a guy like Donghae. Since, he was kind, gentle and with a great sense of humour. But I guess that’s not what my heart wanted. It even pained me to see you so devastated and I knew very well that I was not the person you wanted to be beside you. So I made another stupid decision. I transferred to a different university.

It was different there. People weren’t the happy go lucky type. It was always dark and people were too serious with their studies. They didn’t even know how to have fun. But as I stayed there, I was turning to a person just like them. It didn’t even do well when my dad introduced someone to me. She was fifteen years old and you know who she was? She was my sister. My world turned upside down. I tried to love my sister but it was hard. She was taking over my life. My dad even my mom would favour her more than me most of the time. I guess I was in that stage, the rebel stage. I was no longer the same Jessica Jung you know.

It was semester break of our senior year in college. I came back to our hometown since Taeyeon was begging me to. I haven’t been here for who knows how long. We met up a lot of times along with the other girls. Yuri introduced her girlfriend to us. Her name was Yoona. She was pretty but you’re more beautiful in my eyes.

“Hi Jessi.” That was the first thing you said to me. I tried to smile but ended up with a frown. I told you to stop calling me that. “That is so high school.” I told you back then. I saw the hurt look in your eyes but I ignored it.

We went to a club one night. The other girls would constantly talk with each other while I just stared off into space holding my bottle of beer. You seemed to notice and asked me if I was doing okay. “Why wouldn’t I be?” I told you and proceeded with drinking my beer.

After a few rounds of beer, you became drunk so did I but not as much as you were. I still couldn’t believe that you would get drunk. You had the highest alcohol tolerance amongst all of us if I could remember correctly but you still got drunk that evening. We carried you into the car and decided to head onto Yuri’s house since your dad would surely kill us if he finds out that we got you drunk.

Hyoyeon, Taeyeon and Sooyoung dragged you towards Yuri’s bedroom while Yoona and Sunny helped me towards the room too. They laid us on Yuri’s bed before Yuri came with two cups of coffee in hand. I drank some of it while Taeyeon was helping you with your coffee. Seohyun suddenly started scolding us. Everyone was surprised when I told her to shut up. Everything went silent until you cried. I told you to shut up as well but you didn’t.

I screamed hard at you and said that you were an idiot for still loving Siwon after two years since your break up. Everyone was surprised of my outburst. You asked me what I wanted you to do and you know what I said? I said that you should just kiss me and you did. Our very first kiss and I know that you wouldn’t remember it but I did.

After I woke up the next morning, I remembered everything. I looked at your sleeping face and then your lips. I tasted it and I wanted more. So I left. I left Incheon and went back to Seoul. But I never forgot about our first kiss.

I graduated from college and so did you and everyone else from our friends except Seohyun and Yoona since they’re younger than us. A lot had happened after our first kiss. I grew to love Krystal, I guess she became the reason for the real Jessica Jung to come back.

I managed to get a job as a head hunter. I loved it. Even if I didn’t really like talking to strangers the thrill was great. It was my day off when I logged in to my messenger. Your name popped out from the screen. I remembered our conversation. You said you missed me. I said I missed you too. You were teasing me by saying “I love you”. I had hoped so much that it was real. I knew you were bluffing. You suddenly said that you have to go since Taecyeon is calling you. If only you have read my last pm. “You just don’t know how I feel for you.”

Taecyeon Ok, your second boyfriend who everyone hates the most. I remember our first meeting. He almost ruined your mom’s precious plants when, “professionally”, parking your dad’s van. I almost snapped when I saw the back bumper of the van was destroyed. I knew that you’ll be scolded for it. I thank God you didn’t. I hated seeing you give that fake smile of yours.

My contract as a head hunter ended. The company asked if I wanted to renew my contract. I said no. I wanted to come back home for a while. Well, actually, I wanted to keep an eye on you. I didn’t trust Taecyeon but what I didn’t trust the most was myself. I might not be able to hold on much longer.

Yuri decided to throw a so called summer get away with our gang. We decided to go to the beach resort at the next town. Sooyoung had some connections so we got in for free. You didn’t know how to swim so you decided to cling to me. You just don’t know how much I wanted to embrace you and stay in that position for as long as I wanted to. But I can’t.

It was all great but got ruined when Taecyeon arrived. Taeyeon’s eyes soon flared with anger and slapped Taecyeon right on his left cheek. You knew why. Taecyeon was cheating on you. You knew, we all knew but you decided to stay with him. I didn’t understand why.

Now I’m here alone in our room. We were supposed to be roommates but right now, you and Taecyeon are having “the talk” at the other room. I felt myself sighing again. If only there’s something I can do. If only I can tell you how I feel. If only I can tell you the words, “I lo '

“YA!!! SHUT UP WHEN I’M TALKING!!!”

I dropped the pen I was holding and shoved the letter in my pocket. I quickly made a dash out of the room and inside Taecyon’s room. I saw Stephanie sitting on the floor. Taecyeon towering over her and had his hand on her wrist. I ran towards Steph and held her by her shoulder.

“Are you okay? Did he hurt you anywhere or touch you?” I asked the teary-eyed Stephanie.

“Relax Jung. I didn’t hurt her. Isn’t that right Tiff baby?”

Stephanie nodded and Taecyeon smirked. I didn’t believe him.

“Are you sure?” I caressed Steph’s right cheek but saw her winced in pain.

Stephanie’s right cheek was red. Taecyeon slapped her.

“You!!! What did you do to her???” I screamed.

“Will you get out of here? Stop butting in our bus- OOF!!!”

Before Taecyeon could even finish I punched him right on his face. I shook my right hand since it also hurt me but revenge was sweet.

“You *****!”

Taecyeon was about to slap me when all the other girls suddenly came in obviously not happy of what the gorilla was doing. Taecyeon scoffed and left.

“We’re over Tiff. Ciao!” He said before leaving.

All the other girls gathered around Stephanie asking her if she was okay and if she was hurt anywhere else. She wasn’t saying anything.

“Come on girls, give her some room to breathe. I’ll talk to her.” I stated.

Everyone left as I sat in front of her. She was staring at the floor. I held her shoulders and smiled.

“Let’s go back to our room, okay?”

I smiled and noticed the tears running on Stephanie’s cheeks. I took out my handkerchief from my pocket and was about to wipe her tears, when she suddenly slapped it away. Stephanie looked at me and gave me a hurtful glare.

“I hate you.”

“Steph I-“

“Get out!” Stephanie screamed.

I left the room with a heavy heart. The other girls were waiting outside. I tried to give out a smile but it hurts. I bit my lips as I ran. I ran and didn’t care where I would end up.

I stared at the waves in the sea and stared at the dark sky. The moon and the stars served as my light. I breathed out and reached inside my pocket. My eyes grew wide as I scrambled my hand inside it and took out everything in my pocket.

I dropped it.

I came back to the resort and entered my room. I switched on the lights when my heart jumped, surprised by the person standing inside the room.

“Steph…” I whispered.

Stephanie fidgeted with her finger and didn’t look at me when she asked.

“Is it true?”

I stared at her confused. I didn’t know what she was talking about. My eyes grew wide and my mouth fell open when Stephanie reached out a piece of paper to me.

“M-my letter…”

“Well, it’s actually MY letter, since, you know. You wrote it for me, right?”

“I…uh…you read it?”

Of course you read it. What a stupid question Jessica Jung!

I wanted her to read it but not before I go back to Seoul. I felt my face heating up from embarrassment. I saw her nod as an answer to my stupid question.

“Well? Is it true?”

Stephanie took a step closer and looked at me. She looked at me as if begging for my answer.

“It doesn’t matter.” I said.

“Why?”

“Because you don’t feel the same way.”

“What made you say that?”

“How could you love your best friend?”

“How did you?”

“Huh?”

“Fell in love with me, your best friend.”

“Like what is said in that letter. I don’t know.”

“I don’t know as well.”

“Huh?”

“You’re so dense.”

“I don’t get it.”

“You never did.”

“You mean…”

“I love you.”

I blinked a couple of times to make sure that I wasn’t dreaming and what I was hearing was correct.

“Y-you love me?”

“Ever since I first laid my eyes on you.”

“I…uh…”

“I only said I like Siwon to make you jealous but then you played match maker and that’s when I thought you don’t have the same feelings that I had for you. I cried all those times because I was trying hard to forget about you. When Siwon and I broke up that’s when I realized I still have those feelings for you. It didn’t help that you had a boyfriend back then. For what happened a while ago with Taec, I only said I hate you because you made me love you even more. And for the record, I knew about the kiss but I was scared that you didn’t remember about it.”

“You mean…”

“Do I still have to explain everything to you Jessi? Aish!”

I kept on staring at her in disbelief. All the details hadn’t sunk inside my mind. Stephanie pouted and turned around. She lied in bed and suddenly spoke out.

“I want you to lie in bed with me. I expect cuddling and you whispering the words I want to hear. I expect it in five seconds or else say good bye to me being your girlfriend.”

She turned around, her back facing me and started counting.

“5…”

Steph…

“4…”

She…

“3…”

Loves me…

“2…”

OMG! She loves me too!

I frantically ran towards the bed with a smile on my face, lied beside her and hugged her from the back.

“It took you long enough.” I heard her whisper with a chuckle as she turned and showed off that beautiful eye-smile, her real smile.

“I love you, Steph.” I whispered as I hugged her tighter.

“I love you, my Jessi.”

I’m so thankful that I made that letter.



-THE END