Taemin looked down from the window in one of the empty class of the third floor, watching the soccer team on the field. He saw some of his class mates walking out the gates, leaving the emptying school ground. He turned off his phone right when the bell rang, there were a couple messages from Jongin but it had got to wait, he need to focus and Jongin would be a huge distraction.

He had asked to meet Jieun today, the latter didn’t ask him further question except time and place. But she didn’t need to, because Taemin made it clear already, and Jieun would understand with just one sentence he texted her.

I’ve make up my mind.

He wasn’t one to having hard time in deciding things. When his parents had to move out for their work it had only took one night for him to be sure that he wanted to stay. When they asked him to pick one between piano and dance he didn’t even think of it; dance comes first. He had always known what he wanted; until love came along.

There was a loud squeak of the door, and heavy, hesitant steps accompanying it. Taemin had made his choice, that was true. But it didn’t make anything easier, because choosing and saying it out loud was two very different things.

“Hey,” Jieun breathed, halting in an awkward spot in the middle, not wanting to go closer, but not willing to turn back either.

Taemin turned to look at her slowly, on until they were face to face. He smiled at her. “How’s your English test?” he remembered her schedule still.

Jieun’s smile was restrained, after holding her gaze somewhere on the floor, she looked up, “It was okay.” She paused, “I could’ve done better though,”

Was that about the test or was there more to it, Taemin wasn’t sure.

“What’s done is done, but,” He said, “You can always do better next time right?”

“Next time,” Jieun repeated, nodding to herself, head hung low and she wasn’t meeting his gaze anymore.

There were distinct noises, obnoxious laughter and shouts from students floors below them, and Taemin heard it, but it couldn’t beat the deafening silence between them, he was sure his ears were going to be ringing soon.

What should he tell her?

 “I know… I know what you’re going to say…” Jieun broke the silence for him, she failed to keep her smile this time, her face fell.

Taemin clenched his jaws, eyes shutting tight as Jieun’s voice resonated through the empty classroom. He knew he had been hurting her without him knowing—how Jieun found it out before him was still a mystery—and he felt really bad because he was supposed to do the exact opposite; making her happy, making her smile and making her feel loved.

What should he tell her?

That he didn’t mean it? It didn’t matter anymore.

‘I did love you’? She’d scoff at that.

That he was sorry? She’d feel worse.

He knew what he had to let her know but he never really think of how to.

Jieun was such an amazing girl, and she deserved an amazing guy in return; she deserved all the best. He hoped Jieun would be able to move on and be happy, if not in love. She would, he was sure. She’d find a nice guy who’d knew her the most and loved her all the right way.

In the middle of his jumbled mind he struggled to find the righteous words to say because hurting Jieun further was not an option. He took a deep breath and said it in the calmest way he could do.

“I don’t regret our time together.”

It came out a lot firmer than he expected it to be. “We might not have ended up together, but I don’t regret what I had with you, or what I have for you.”

Jongin needed him. And more than anything, he needed Jongin. Jieun deserved to be loved equally, deserved undivided attention and he certainly couldn’t give her that.

“You... If you hate me I understand,” He tried. “But I wasn’t playing with you.”

I meant it all. Everything that I said.

He took one step towards her, and she flinched.

“I had planned to make you mine,” he paused, “Since the first afternoon I saw you.”

Jieun looked up at him suddenly, and he held her stare, he needed her to understand. “Please don’t think I was using you because it never even crossed my mind. I did care, I still do,”

He took one more step forward but this time she was almost expecting it; wanting to know what he was going to say next.

“I didn’t intent to get you dragged into this, but yet, it had to be you; I won’t take anyone else,”

Taemin looked down and mentally preparing for whatever Jieun was going to do to him after he told her his decision. He stared at her eyes again. He deserved a slap or two, but it had to be done.

“I love you, Jieun. But I—“

He felt his collar being tugged front and he choked pathetically before he felt a pair of soft lips smashed onto his own.

His bag pack dropped down on the floor with a loud thud and despite his fantasies of kissing her, he tried to push her gently to finish what he was about to say because he wanted it to be clear; he needed no more drama, no more misunderstanding. Jieun didn’t seem to agree though, having her body pressed against Taemin instead and her trembling hands onto his uniform. The kiss was salty; she was crying.

And Taemin being the male that he was, couldn’t exactly refused her since she was practically glued to him and he hated seeing Jieun like this; so vulnerable and fragile. It made him frustrated that he caused it, and he wasn’t doing anything to make it better. So he closed his eyes and kissed her back; arm snaking around her waist, the other one sneaked to her nape. Taking Taemin with him, Jieun stumbled back until her back collided with the board and knocked the air out of her, and they parted.

Taemin opened his mouth to talk but Jieun shook her head frantically. He shushed her and asked her to listen but she wouldn’t, only sobbing quietly as she kept on shaking her head so he relented, muttering a soft ’okay, okay,’ and rested their forehead together. Jieun needed time and support and he‘d give her that.

Jieun’s breath was still hitching but she tried to talk anyway.

“I told you I know,” she said, “You don’t have to say it. I already know. It hurts too much to hear it so please don’t.”

His grip on her waist tightened. Looking at her up close, Jieun was a mess. Her face was red and she wouldn’t stop sniffling but she was still beautiful.

“You’re really a jerk, you know that?”

Taemin nodded.

“You’re the worst thing ever happened to me all my life, I swear.”

He nodded again, rubbing his thumb across her jaw, keeping their faces as close as possible.

“I hate you so much,” she squeaked, droplets of tears streamed down her face and Taemin hugged her, letting Jieun cried on his shoulder. His nose stung and his eyes water, heart clenching on each sob of hers but he couldn’t cry, he shouldn’t.

“I’d survive without you though.” Jieun said when she pulled back, and something tugged at his heart but he nodded, pecking her softly on the lips.

“I’ll get someone new and he’ll be there for me. He’ll love only me.”

Ouch.

One of her lip’s corner tugged upwards, probably saw Taemin flinched. She kissed him again, pulling him by the neck closer.

It was quiet for a while, only occasional kisses here and there, Jieun wasn’t sobbing anymore.

He took the moment to slightly admiring the way she looked under the orange light of the setting sun. He was going to lose this. He wouldn’t be able to kiss her after this, no more affectionate gestures between them in the future, and she’d forget about him soon.

“…You know, this whole thing of me thinking what’s best for you?” he whispered, “For you to find a new love, someone who’ll treat you right, someone better? It all felt right in my head but now that you said it to my face it actually kind of hurt,” Taemin chuckled bitterly. It did hurt. Because Taemin was capable to treat her right. Taemin was capable to love her. He just... Couldn’t. If there would be a man for Jieun that’d be him. That was how he’d been thinking the whole time he knew her. He knew he was being selfish but he couldn’t help it.

He really did love her after all.

“It's really hard to let you go,” He told her softly. This girl that he had worked hard to be with.

“It sure is,” Jieun snorted lightly.

“I’m so sorry,”

There was a pause,

 “You know, you never say thanks,” She pulled back and rested her head on the board behind her, glancing out the window. “Thanks for the umbrella. Thanks for the groceries. Thanks for today, I had fun.” Taemin’s hand tightened on her shoulder and she slowly returned her stare back at him.

“It was, and always has been, ‘Sorry’,”

“Jieun-ah…” He hugged her close to his chest and buried his head on the crook of her neck.

“Really though, I mean, did you realize it?”

“Baby please...” Stop, don’t, “Please…”

Jieun granted his wish and kissed him instead, taking control for once and explored the other’s mouth thoroughly, for the last time. The kiss was feverish and it caused chill ran down Taemin’s spine. Jieun portrayed her feelings with the kiss and it was bittersweet. He felt sensory overload but he refused to let go; he had been waiting for so long, to have her in his arms and this would be the only chance he got. Because he sure as hell wouldn’t let Jongin to fall for anyone else, he wanted to be in love with only Jongin as well, therefore he should end it all here.
 

“You will never find a better girl, right?”

“I won’t,” he answered certainly.

“You have never been and will never be happy with any other girl,”

“Definitely,”

“I’m the only girl you’ll ever be in love with.”

“Only you.”

He kissed her lovingly, slowly, as gentle as possible. They were both so deep in the moment, in their good bye, they didn’t hear the loud squeaks of Jongin’s shoes running away.

::

Byuntae

16.03 PM

The park in 15 min? We need 2 talk.

Byuntae

16.10 PM

Please.

He starred at his phone for a very long time, people passing him with a weird look.

The sky was dark that day, the clouds seemed heavy; common signs of a coming rain, preferably soon. It suited his heart, really; or lack thereof. It had been crushed for too many times that what’s left of it was just anger and numbness.

To say he was heartbroken was an understatement. He had come home crying for the umpteenth time and this time his mother caught him red handed. She threatened him all sort of nasty things, because Jongin wouldn’t talk to her and she was so worried, but it didn’t took long for her to just hug him tight, let him cry and sob on her shoulder. She figured even if Jongin was willing to tell her he still wouldn’t be able to talk, because the crying wouldn’t stop.

“Jongin… if this is because of a person… then that person doesn’t deserve your tears… it’s not worth it sweetheart…”

And Jongin questioned everything. Had he been such an to girls that he got through this?

He wasn’t a bad person, so why was it happening to him?

How could Taemin did that?

His sobbing got harder at the name, and Mrs. Do ended up changing his uniforms; unclothed him from them and helped him to wear a set of clean pajamas, it was like childhood all over again.

Childhood.

The picture of him and Taemin playing with other kids during elementary, sharing their lunches flooded his mind. Suddenly everything reminded him of Taemin. He despised it. He hated how Taemin was all he thought about. He wanted to hate Taemin for hurting him so badly.

Back to present time, he gave the text messages one last glance before he threw it in his bag.

 Let’s get it over with. Maybe Taemin would rip his non-existent heart and he’d probably be dead, but not before fracturing some bones (he knew he wouldn’t).

“You’re avoiding me.”

Taemin said, taking a seat on the other end of the bench.

Taemin had cut it off with Jieun, and he really wanted to tell Jongin that. It was sad at first but it didn’t last long. Because now he belonged to Jongin and Jongin belonged to him. The person Jongin had been in love with, the guy Taemin had been so jealous over was none other than himself and only then he realized how it was truly relieving to know about. It would be just the two of them now, no body in between. He was so happy that he couldn’t wait to see Jongin in dance class, he’d probably throw himself at the younger and kiss him silly in front of everyone and being embarrassed together.

But that didn’t happen because until dance class was over Jongin was nowhere to be seen. He was disappointed to say the least. He couldn’t contain his feelings and he needed Jongin to share it with him, and Jongin decided to not showing. Three un-replied messages and he was downright sure Jongin was avoiding him.

It was different though. This was the first time Jongin avoided him since he had feelings for the younger, and boy did it hurt him deeply. He missed the younger so bad. He was angry at Jongin for doing this to him at first but he reminded himself that Jongin had went through the same thing as well, and it was only fair. It didn’t mean he wasn’t going to say anything about it.

Meanwhile, Jongin wanted to pull his hair out. He couldn’t believe it. He wasn’t sure what he expected, but another accusation was definitely not it.

“Why the hell wouldn’t you talk to me?” Taemin asked.

Jongin looked up and if stares could burn, Taemin would be ashes by now. Taemin was clearly taken aback. Jongin let his eyes lingered before shaking his head. “This is ridiculous,” He muttered, standing up and started walking away. It was going to rain soon, lightning began to strike angrily somewhere far, mothers scurrying their child to safety, away from the coming storm.

“Jongin,”

Taemin followed him, now crossing the park almost halfway. Jongin didn’t budge.

“Jongin—“ Taemin grabbed his elbow and he snapped.

“STOP. WILL YOU?! Don’t you think it’s enough already?! I get your point I fcking get it. Now out of my sight.” He yanked his arm away and walked faster.

“Kim Jongin,—“

“—, WHAT?!” He turned around completely, Taemin crushed into him hard and stumbled back. Despite his embarrassment Taemin shot back.

“Why are you like this?!?!”

“Don’t play fcking innocent with me!!”

“I’m NOT! I don’t even—“

“YOU FCKING KISSED HER!!!”

His chest was heaving uncontrollably, air running in out of his lungs so fast it hurt.

“Goddammit, Lee Taemin, I don’t give a what you did with your girlfriend, but if you’re gonna reject me you should’ve said it to my face!!!! How could you fcking played along making me think you are falling for me!!”

The mortified look on Taemin’s face confirmed whatever doubt he had left and he wished the earth to swallow him whole.

 “You kissed me on your bed, you .” He whispered. One would think he couldn’t cry anymore, but hot tears wet his cheeks for the nth time, and for the same, the only one reason he’d been crying; Taemin, his best friend.

Rain started to pour down furiously and it wouldn’t take long before his whole body drenched.

“Don’t you dare coming after me. You showed up in front of me once more, I’ll ban you from mine and my family’s life.”

With that, he left to the nearest bus stop, not bothering to look back.

::

The wind blew hard outside, taking small leaves with it. He always thought their school ground needed more cleaning, it was always a mess and small leaves would be scattered everywhere most of the times. Jongin was in his literature class, a class he never participated in. he was always itching to skip if not for his mother (“School is important, Jongin. You are not to ditch any class as long as I’m the one paying.”). Anything else other than this class was much more interesting. Even when he pulled his grades up he still didn’t care that much about this one. The teacher knew and she hadn’t considered him to be attending class for a long time.

“Alright, five love quotes before class ended! Quick anyone!”

Love?

“Anyone? Yes Jangeum?”

“Even if love is full of thorns, I’d still embrace it, for I know hat in between those thorns there is a rose worth all the pain,” She said confidently. “From the movie Sleeping Beauty.”

Students ooh-ed at her.

“Very romantic. Second? Myungsoo, go ahead.”

“I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from , one touch of her hand, than an eternity without it.” Myungsoo said smugly. “City of Angels,”

The whole class hooted and Myungsoo’s girlfriend hid her face from embarrassment in her seat in the front.

“I’m not sure if that’s what I meant… but I’ll let you pass. Next! Yes, Sehun? No, you can’t quote Tao’s words to us,” His friends snickered. Tao and Sehun was the couple that people coo-ed over, even the teachers heard of them.

“Oh,” He looked disappointed. “Ok, then is it okay if it’s from a book?”

“Yes, yes,”

“It's from The Notebook,” Sehun took a deep breath.”The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. That’s what I hope to give you forever.”

The class fell silent. It was touching, after all. People didn’t expect such thing from Oh Sehun. But Mrs. Jung had her suspicions.

“…You read The Notebook?” the teacher asked. Sehun blinked. “…Tao read it to you didn’t he,”

Sehun smiled unsurely. Mrs. Jung had an ‘I thought so’ look on her face. “But very good, Sehun. Very good. Two to go!”

Kim Junmyeon raised his hand.

“Unrequited love does not die; it’s only beaten down to a secret place where it hides, curled, and wounded. Elle Newmark.”

“That’s really deep, Junmyeon. I’m impressed.” She smiled, students like Junmyeon made her proud. “The last one.”

Nobody raised a hand.

“Come on, you can all go as soon as the last quote is being said. Movie, book, a Figure, anything.”

There were murmurs, one nudging the other to go say a quote so they could go home. It was the last class of the day. Someone though, was ready to bolt out of the class; he’d do anything to be able to leave right now.

“I’ve been in love.”

All head snapped at the source of the voice; the voice nobody ever heard around that hour on that day any week. Jongin didn’t give one and continue with his quote.

“It’s painful, pointless and overrated.”

He stood up and left his class. Any longer he stayed his would be in pain.

What? His mother was a modern kind of parent and she loved American TV series. And because he was a good son, he accompanied her sometimes.

“Did Kim Jongin just quote Vampire Diaries?” A student asked inside the still silent class room.

“…class dismissed.”

If girls wouldn’t stop clinging on him even after he told them politely to off before, they sure as hell would now. He didn’t even need to say anything. There was this new dark, icy aura around him that just wouldn’t leave, it scared people off and they refrained to talk to him.

“Jongin-ssi?”

Not everyone, apparently.

He was walking down the hallway, and a student (Cho Jino, if he wasn’t mistaken) walked side by side with him, matching their pace. Jongin hummed in response.

“How’s Taemin doing?”

Jongin almost halted in his steps. Almost.

“Aren’t you in his class,” He said carelessly.

Cho Jino rolled his eyes. “Yes, I’m the class president, that’s why I asked you how’s he.”

Jongin looked at him disinterestedly, but there was evident confusion there and the class pres couldn’t help widening his eyes. “You really don’t know? Why—did something happen between you two?”

He received a deathly glare in return and he stepped back.

“Sorry! That’s not my business, sorry. Um, I’ll just…” he walked backwards awkwardly, but Jongin catch his shoulder and he winced at how unnecessarily strong the grip was. Jongin demanded an explanation.

“Ah, um. The kids in my class opted to check up on him, He called in sick. High fever, out in the rain for too long he said. It’s been three days, —yah!”

Jongin ran as fast as he could. He felt his feet went numb and his face froze due to constant slapping of the cold wind. He kept on running with one hand holding his phone close to his ears, waiting for Taemin to pick up. That idiot of a being, what was he thinking, being sick alone? What if he collapsed and broke down all alone? What if things went bad to the state he couldn’t help himself anymore? Jongin scolded Taemin harshly in his head, wanting to do nothing but knock some sense to that dumb brain of his best friend’s.

 “Hello?”

“Do I still mean anything to you?! Do I ever mean something to you?! Wait don’t answer that, do I even want to know?” I’m worried and I missed you like hell why are you doing this to me—

“I’m okay—”

“GIVE ME SOME CREDIT HERE GODDAMIT!!” Jongin heard heavy coughs from the other end of the line and his heart clogged down to his stomach. why couldn’t his feet ran faster?!

“Jongin—” coughs, “—you left me last time and I—”

“That gives you excuse to not letting me know that you’re sick?! Am I really that worthless to you?!” where is that house why was it not in his vision yet—

“…Please don’t say such things,” Taemin’s voice was so broken Jongin almost cried just hearing it. It was like he struggled just to say a word or two, and really as angry as Jongin was he didn’t want to add more pain to Taemin; it pained himself all the same. Jongin collected his breath so the other could hear him better.

“Just… just open the door for me, okay? I’ll be there in a moment—” Ah there it was! He could finally see Taemin’s place.

“I’m… I’m not home Jongin.” The said halted in his step.

“…what?”

“I’m at the hospital… Jieun took me in.”

“…”

“…I’m sorry.” Taemin whispered.

Jongin gripped on his phone real tight he might as well crush it. It was all he could do to not jump to the river by the right side of the road. He felt his heart shattered to pieces as his chest constricted the way it had been too much since Jieun happened. He wanted to say it’s okay, Taemin, I’m glad you’ve been taken care of, or just a simple I’m glad you’re okay.

“Oh…” Was all he managed to say.

“I… I haven’t seen you in a while and… It’s my fault, I know… I’ll… text you my room number if you want to, you know…”

“…I won’t if you don’t want me to.”

“I want you to!” Taemin said hurriedly. “I really want you to.”

“Okay,” Jongin said quietly. “When can I see you?”

“Um… right now…?” Taemin tried. “If—if it’s okay with you, of course.”

::

“So that was why you fidget so much.” Jieun teased.

“Shush up.” Taemin hissed weakly. He still felt exhausted from the cold and Jongin being not there yet since their phone call ended three hours ago got him all anxious. Where are you?

“You… don’t really think I feel threatened by that squeak of yours right?”

“Lee Jieun,” He whined. The girl raised both hands in defeat.

“Just want to have my fun a little,” She muttered.

Taemin felt washed down in guilt all over again. “Jieun-ah…”

“It’s okay,” She brushed it off nonchalantly. “Quit being so mean to yourself, will you?”

But Taemin stick with his sorrowful face. She slapped his arm gently. “Yah.”

“OW. Jieun if you failed to notice I’m a patient here. I am supposed to—“

“—be quiet since you’re sick,”

“YAH.” They laughed lightly. After the talk, (and kisses) they had, it was clear that both sides want to keep the other as a friend. Taemin came to term that Jieun kind of knew he would fell for two people even from their first dinner (“In case you’re wondering, they way you talked about him says it all. You’re always so tender when Jongin was the topic, even when you say nasty things, your tone will be so gentle,”) and he was embarrassed about it. Jieun a lot about being sort of brainless but she also very understanding, and Taemin couldn’t be happier about it, really.

“Should I come back later?” Suddenly Jongin’s voice boomed in the hospital room.

“Whoops.”

::

Jongin stared at his reflection in the mirror lifelessly. Wow look at yourself, Jongin. You looked like a zombie.

“You looked like a zombie, hyung.” Suddenly Kyungsoo’s voice intruded.

“WOAH!! Yah! This kid really...“ He threw his brother jokingly on the bed. At the sight of his brother, Jongin brightened up a little. He started to tickle the smaller. Kyungsoo was literally small for someone his age and it only added the points of his never ending cuteness. Kyungsoo’s boyish laugh resonated across the room. “Hyung—ahahahahaha no—hyung I’m tired—AHAHAAH—” Jongin slowed down, and stopped eventually. Kyungsoo asked if he was going to his dance class, since Jongin dressed up. No, he answered. Jongin told him that Taemin was sick and he was going to visit him.

He went home after the call, deciding to take shower and get dress. Taemin didn’t need him now, so he didn’t have to hurry, right? Besides, Taemin had Jieun. He wanted to just stay home and sulk thinking of the prospect that he might see her in the hospital, doing god knows what with Taemin—he shivered. But no, Taemin was considerate, he’d think of Jongin’s feeling right? Taemin would not have a heart to hurt him like that. Yup. They were best friends—or used to be, at least. Jongin couldn’t be sure of anything now. Except that he was really, really worried about Taemin and he needed to see him. So yeah as as it sounded, he was going.

Kyungsoo gasped at the mention of ‘Taemin’ and ‘sick’.

“Really??? Is he okay, hyung? I want to see him! Take me with you! Hyung, what to do? I should’ve called him more often!—” Jongin snorted.

He pulled his tiny brother to his lap.

“It’s not as bad as you think, Soo. Taemin just catch a heavy cold so he won’t be staying at the hospital that long. It’s nothing like diseases. He’s okay.”  He tried to calm the frantic Kyungsoo down. I hope he’s okay.

“I can’t take you with me. You have school tomorrow.”

“But you also have school tomorrow,” Kyungsoo pouted. “And I really miss Taemin hyung.”

Jongin held him tighter. “I missed him too. I’ll tell him that you do too, okay?” Jongin took one glance at the clock. He should get going.

Once he was outside the supposedly Taemin’s door, he paused. He had one hand full with a bouquet of flowers, and the other with the door handle he held on for dear life.

Jongin couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty. The last time it rained was when they had their fight, there was a huge possibility it was his fault that Taemin stayed out in the rain.

You can do this.

No I should go back.

No you’re already here goddammit. If you don’t see him now you’d die.

Stop being so dramatic.

“Can I help you, young man?”

Jongin startled at his spot. What’s with people popping out suddenly on him?

“Uhm.. I  ... uh..” Yeah Jongin, can she help you?

“I uh… I just want to be sure if this is Lee Taemin’s room,—“ The nurse then pointed at a very obvious name on the side of the door and stared at him with one eyebrow soared, not even trying to hid it. Now Jongin didn’t have a choice but to slide the door open and stepped in, leaving the nurse behind (who was still giving him the judging stare).

And cue the handsome sound of Taemin’s laughter ringing in his ears.

Along with Jieun’s.

It was a miracle that the flowers in his hands hadn’t ruined yet, considering his needs to destroy things within his reach. It amazed Jongin how jealousy could drive him crazy. For the sake of his heart he opted to turn back and run all the way to Borneo. But for the sake of his heart too, he decided to just face it because any longer not seeing Taemin with his own eyes he would broke down. Plus the sight in front of him really made him angry. He needed to step in.

“Should I come back later?”

There, he said it.

Taemin stared at him wide-eyed. Jongin gave a mental scoff. What, not expecting me to ruin your lovey-dovey moment? Well you invited me here, Jongin wanted to snap, but he didn’t because Taemin was still sick and Jongin so badly wanted to hug him tight and apologize for causing him such pain but there was Jieun on that chair next to his Taemin’s bed and why did she has that teasing smile on her face? If she was mocking, Jongin would really—

“Whoops.” She sing-songed. ‘Whoops’? ‘whoops’ she said? This girl—

Jieun stood up and she leaned in to Taemin, who looked mortified himself while Jongin quick to think of ways to legally murder a high school girl, because what the hell she was trying to do standing so close?! But then she whispered to Taemin and the said’s face suddenly tinted rosy pink.

Before Jongin could hate her more she had already closed the door with herself out of the room, leaving the boys in awkward silence.

Well.

“Took you long enough.” Taemin said. Of all things, Taemin, really? Any other words you wanted to add to this awkwardness?

“I like that shirt you’re wearing,” Jesus, somebody tell him where was the closest public funeral ‘cause he’d like to end it all right here. He could no longer live with all the embarrassment.

Jongin stepped forward ever so slowly, like the floor would crack if he moved any faster. The bouquet jutted out from his hand and it was red roses and what is that supposed to mean?! Taemin held back just enough so he wouldn’t look like he was judging. Jongin brought him red roses. He whimpered mentally.

“…you did give it to me, I guess…” Jongin murmured.

He did, in fact had give Jongin the shirt on his birthday years ago, now that he remembered. It fitted Jongin really well, he thought. Jongin looked good on almost everything, but he liked it most when the other wore things from him. He wondered if Jongin did it on purpose.

“…How have you been?” Jongin breathed, it was clear Jongin was holding back, trying to sound as calm as possible.

“I’m…” ‘Okay’? Should he say that? But this was Jongin. “…my throat hurts like hell,” he finally said. Eyes anywhere but on Jongin. “My head spins more often than not, but I’m getting better,” he rubbed his fingers on his nose, trying to look nonchalant, “I don’t have the cold anymore.” he dared to take a peek at Jongin which he regretted because Jongin suddenly on the side of the bed, roses long forgotten on the side table. He dropped his gaze again, to Jongin’s fists this time, watching it clenched-unclenching.

“I was so damn worried.” Jongin teethed, couldn’t hold it anymore because he was worried sick and it was dripping from his tone, heavy concern etched on his face.

Taemin looked up, caught off-guard at the other’s tone.

“I thought you’re alone and freezing.”

Of course, Jongin must have been worried so much, this was the first time Taemin got sick without Jongin around, after all. He didn’t get sick so easily, so when he did it would be pretty bad. There would always be Jongin’s mother cooking him soup though, and the little things Kyungsoo did.

And a super worried, caring Jongin.

He wanted to calm Jongin down, to tell him that he was sorry and he didn’t mean of how things turned out and he was feeling not as bad as the first time he came in but Jongin beat him.

“What the heck were you thinking, out in the rain for hours?” Anger thick on every word Jongin uttered and Taemin didn’t know what to say anymore.

“You scared me to death, Lee Taemin. You do this one more time, I swear I’m gonna kill you myself.”

Jongin groaned as he saw the guilty look and fear on the other’s face. He plopped down on the chair next to the bed and buried his face in his hands. He couldn’t stay angry at Taemin. How could he when Taemin was so helpless and weak like this. He cursed love and emotion and the world all together.

“I’m sorry,” Taemin tried and his voice weak.

“It’s okay.”

It really wasn’t, but he wanted Taemin to get well, stressing him with scolding won’t help. Taemin looked pale still, his back was hunched and Jongin wanted so badly to warm him but he refrained himself. Taemin was Jieun’s now, as bitter as it sounded, so he should stop being all touchy feely. It was hard when Taemin was in front of him though. He couldn’t stand stay here for so long otherwise he’d jump him. He got to see him and Taemin can talk normally so he must have getting better. It was enough for now.

 “I haven’t told my parents about your condition but, they’ll wish you to get well soon.”

“Your parents, right.”

“Yeah,”

“…”

“…”

“…how… how about you?”

“…”

“Do you—I—you wish me to get well soon too, right?”

“Of course I do, silly.” Jongin got up from his seat. “Get well soon, yeah? See you at school.” He smiled one last time.

“Wait, Jongin.” Taemin panicked. “Let me—let’s talk. Please.”

Jongin shook his head, “I gotta go. It’s late, Taemin-ah—“

“Jieun is not my girlfriend.”

Jongin in a fast, deep breath that he almost choked, eyes focused on him Taemin exhaled deeply because finally, finally Jongin was listening.

“We kissed, I’m not gonna deny it, but—“

“You really think I’m that stupid?” Jongin stared at him accusingly, hurt was evident in his eyes and Taemin bagged internally for it to be gone. It didn’t last long however, Jongin quick to get a grab of himself and shook his head frantically. He pressed the heels of his palm hard on onto his eyes, blinked a couple times before he talked again. “Rest.” And he turned around, but Taemin managed to get a hold of his arm.

“No. I can’t Jongin. I ing can’t sleep at night because I will think of you. I can’t close my eyes because I will see you. I can’t rest knowing that you hate me. Please let me explain.”

“I don’t hate you…” Jongin muttered, back still facing Taemin.

Taemin trailed his hand down the muscular arm to Jongin’s hand and tentatively holding it. “It was a goodbye kiss. I let her go Jongin. I wasn’t playing along…” He squeezed the younger’s hand weakly. “Because I choose you.”

Jongin stiffened.

“I hurt you a lot. I made you cry a whole lot, too. And I forever regret it, Jongin. I am so sorry. I was as dumb, I was a coward. I didn’t want to admit that I’m falling for you because it isn’t fair; you’re in love so deeply with someone else and it isn’t fair. The fact that I can’t have you—”

Throat constricting, he gripped Jongin’s hand hard; Jongin still wasn’t looking at him.

“So I denied it. I kept on going out with Jieun, and she helped a lot. Still, my body and mind betrayed me.” Taemin chuckled silently.

“doesn’t matter how much I told myself I don’t see you that way, my body gravitates towards you; I have the urges to keep you close, to touch you, simply you. It was so frustrating how I can’t stop thinking about you on my date with her. Your face constantly popping around in my head, you know?

“And you,” Taemin covered his eyes with his palm. “You’re always around, driving me crazy. Do you know how much I regret my words? That I’d be there for you?

“Because ever since I said it, you’re constantly invading my personal space, making me fall even deeper; did you know how it felt like, when you’re looking at me so sincerely and I have to keep reminding myself that you’re in love with someone else, so I won’t hurt myself? Do you know how easy it is to love you, and how hard it was to restrain myself from doing so because it will never be mutual?—”

“—You are the most idiotic human being I’ve ever meet my whole life.”

Jongin said as he turned around, his eyes glistened and stared at Taemin dead-on. There were hurt, bewilderment, and even anger in those eyes. But Taemin just smiled because he missed Jongin so much, even looking at Jongin’s face made him happy.

“Yet you didn’t leave me back then.”

He reached out, and Jongin almost willingly gave his hands this time. He pulled Jongin closer and the younger slumped back down on the chair, hands in Taemin's.

“You won’t leave me this time either, right?”

The younger didn’t answer, he only gazed at Taemin longingly, with sadness and somewhat disappointment. Taemin gulped and laced their fingers together on his lap, looking at Jongin hopefully. He might be pathetic as fck right now in Jongin’s eyes but he’d gladly stoop the lowest if it was for Jongin.

“I can’t lose you. I can’t stand losing you. Please.”

Jongin looked away, a lone tear escaped his eye. Taemin panicked.

 “Jongin I love you. I love you.”

The lip between Jongin’s teeth was probably bruised by now; he wouldn’t stop chewing on it. More tears rolled down as Jongin closed his eyes, his shoulders shook a little from the silent cry. It felt like centuries before Jongin finally, although very discreet and vague, nodded.

Taemin waste no time in tugging Jongin forward so he was standing up, and met their lips together for the first time.

The kiss was slow, cautious, and undemanding. Although Taemin never exactly imagine how Jongin’s lips would taste like, he definitely thought it wouldn’t be this sweet. The way his best friend moved his lips sent Taemin to the edge. Jongin was very careful but Taemin could feel emotions in everything that he did. Kiss turned to kisses and they grew more desperate.

“Taemin-ah,” the younger whimpered, choking back a sob. His grip strong on Taemin’s side. The latter felt a tug on his bottom lip and his head spun, but he kept his hands on Jongin’s cheeks, caressing it, to tell that the younger could stop worrying because he was there and he was not going anywhere. He broke the kiss first, although Jongin kept him close, lips hovering over each other.

None of them kept count how long had they been still in that position, breaths tingling on each other’s lips. It felt magical and they didn’t want the moment to ever end. But Jongin had things to say. Things he wanted to tell Taemin the first place instead of the harsh ones he shouted days ago.

“I…” Jongin started. His mind was clouded with emotion and love and Taemin, Taemin, Taemin. The words wouldn’t come out. Taemin was sick but he still had this masculine scent that Jongin really loved and how to think straight with Taemin’s face on his really.

He felt warm hand softly patting his chest, moving as slow as the seconds that ticked on, calming him.

“Stop thinking,” Taemin whispered to him, smiling. “Its okay, Jongin-ah.” Taemin pulled him into an embrace and Jongin returned it. “We’ll be okay.”

::

Two days later Taemin found himself packing things up, finally allowed to go home. He would not go back to school until next Monday though. It was a rather cheery afternoon, because he would be home and breathe normal air. Hospital’s air was not normal, mind you. It was all chemical smell and metallic and he just hated hospital in general.

“All set?”

And Jongin. He helped him to pack things.

“Mhm,” He replied. “Wait where’s my—oh there it is.” He snatched his phone from the bed, getting a glimpse of Jongin’s stupid sleeping face on his home screen before slipping it to his front jeans pocket.

They hadn’t done anything more. Not even hugging because yesterday Jongin had came by while the older was sleeping soundly and he didn’t dare to wake him up. And earlier when Jongin walked in things was just plain awkward. Although through text they could easily talk normal like the best friend they were(he didn’t know how to text like boyfriends, and Jongin who supposedly had more experience didn’t even try), being face to face was a lot to take because Jongin was right there and had his eyes always been that beautiful when he smiled? Taemin never took notice before. And those lips were really pink. Such high cheekbones too. He was being creepy and he knew but he just couldn’t stop. Cute nose.

“Let’s go then…?” Jongin offered.

And deep, deep voice. Wow, where had you been on my life, Jongin?

Dumb question, self.

“Taemin-ah,” the taller bit his lips and waved his hand in front of the Taemin’s face.

“H-huh? Oh yeah, yeah ok. Let’s go,”

Once they were outside, Taemin picked up his phone to make a call.

“Who are you calling?”

“Taxi, duh.” Taemin answered. “I want to rest on the way, too, can’t take the bus,” He said sheepishly.

“um… actually… Tae I uhm, my… family is here. They want to see you and drop you off,” Upon seeing Taemin’s face he added immediately, “I’m sorry! When I told them I’m taking you back home today dad just heated up the car and mom got dressed and suddenly they all filed in to the car pulling me with them! I really didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable I swear!”

“Hey, hey it’s okay, Jongin. Calm down, relax,” Taemin tried to bring it down a little. People were looking because Jongin got loud when he panics. “Lead the way?”

“Ok,” Jongin said, walking forward. He turned around and stopped, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright.”Taemin turned him back and kept a hand in the small of Jongin’s back.

There was a Kyungsoo on his lap. Right when he was fully seated in the back, Kyungsoo made grabby hands at him from the front seat where Mrs. Do seated as well, who told Kyungsoo to sit back down, Taemin is tired he need to rest, you can play with him later, which being fully ignored by the doe-eyed kid. “It’s fine Mrs. Do. Come here, Soo,” He had said. And that was how he got a bouncing and overly excited little guy on his lap.

“Tsk. Go back to mom.” Jongin said, annoyed.

“Taemin hyung, hyung is being mean,”

“Kyungsoo.” Jongin said, voice stern. He liked it that his brother was close with his person of interest but Taemin just barely out the hospital. He sure was exhausted still and Kyungsoo was not helping.

“Kyungsoo baby come back here, honey,” Mrs. Do called.

The said merely tightened his hold on Taemin and shook his head. “Don’t want.”

“Kyungsoo, I said—“ Taemin grasped Jongin’s hand then, shook his head a little. Jongin gave him a look that said ‘wth what are you doing I’m not letting him do that to you’ and for a second all Taemin thought was cute, because those eyebrows are knitting together and Jongin was trying to look intimidating and it was endearing how badly he failed because cute, but Taemin eventually squeezed the hand in his, giving him a warm smile before he spoke up to the youngest. “Soo, let’s sleep together yeah? I’m sleepy. You can stay here with me but don’t move too much ok? Do you think you can do that?”

Kyungsoo nodded cutely. “Ok. You want to rest because you were sick. I get it.” He nodded again. “Sleep, hyung.” Kyungsoo said, his tiny hand rubbing on Taemin’s arm and head resting on his chest. Jongin pressed his lips to a thin line because he wanted a hug too.

“Oh and Taemin, before you’re asleep, my wife thinks it’s better to take you to our place for the rest of the week. Is that okay?”

“Sorry?”

“We’re not driving you to your apartment, darling.” Mrs. Do chimed in.

“But Mrs. Do—“

“But mom—“

The couple said simultaneously.

“Nope, no buts. I’m sorry, Taemin-ah. You should’ve known I won’t leave you alone with your condition. I was actually disappointed when Jongin told me you were sick and you didn’t tell me. I don’t want this to ever happen again in the future. Alright?”

“He needs. His. Rest. Mom.”

“Who said he can’t rest at ours’? He’ll rest better under my supervision. Argument over.”

Jongin threw his boyfriend an apologetic stare, because it was useless to fight Mrs. Do once she made her decision. Taemin smiled back in understanding.

Not once their hand unlinked the whole way back home.

„Chapter Five”