Chapter Four

He thought Jongin was really sweet.

The said pursed his lips, reaching out to Taemin's mouth and brushed away bread crumbs from the corner of his lips; slow and gentle. “Bib much…?”

Bread crumbs gone but the touch remained. Jongin gave him that stare again, the one that he thought was weird at first, but he’d come to realize it had been there all along, only it was more discreet back then; now Jongin just openly did it.

They were sitting on Taemin’s little balcony, looking down at the street below; it was already so busy by ten o’ clock. It was a Saturday. He felt like a hard-working husband having his breakfast made by his wife in a beautiful morning and it didn't feel wrong at all.

The younger brushed his knuckles on Taemin’s cheeks before he took his hand off completely, eyes never left Taemin’s. “Is it good?” he asked carefully, referring to the sandwich he made for their breakfast.

“It’s…” Taemin contemplated, fondly admiring Jongin’s nervous face, “It’s alright,” He watched with amusement as Jongin looked down to his own plate, smiling shyly.

Taemin had woken up to the smell of toasted bread in the air, which was weird because he didn’t remember having any toaster, or even bread on his kitchen. He was also cold, which was even weirder because where was Jongin?

He put two and two together and bolted to his kitchen; Jongin plus kitchen was the worst combination; ever.  He’d live here at least until he graduate; he couldn’t have his kitchen burnt yet. That and he didn’t want Jongin got burnt as well.

Jongin wore his dark blue apron, and was pressing down a sandwich onto his round pan, making the sizzling noise. He looked suspiciously too neat for someone who just woke up. He didn’t wear Taemin’s shirt from last night (it was Taemin’s other shirt. They didn’t bother anymore when it came to clothing; as long as they didn’t take it out the door). He startled cutely (as per usual) when the older popped out without warning. After dealing with his own embarrassment Jongin greeted him from his spot by the stove, “Good morning, Taemin-ah,”

He didn’t say anything; standing in the doorway he just stared at Jongin— in his kitchen, wearing an apron and making breakfast.

“I’m making us sandwich, that’s the only healthy food I can make,” Jongin said sheepishly, “I bought the bread this morning by the way. Yeah I had shower, yes it’s not like me but I already did so can we please let it pass? Thanks. I didn’t want to wake you so I want alone. It isn’t burnt see? I can cook right?”

The man that Jongin loved was a complete moron, Taemin thought. All this, and that man had refused to have? Jongin maybe not perfect, not a girl, true, but he could tell that Jongin was the kind of guy who would give his all to the person he love. He wanted to say it; that Jongin deserve better, that he should just forget and let go, that the man was blind, but Jongin wouldn’t like it, right? Who would, if the one you were in love with was being mocked on your face? He didn’t want to fight with Jongin anymore; last night he almost couldn’t breathe what with the cold air freezing his lungs and his heart clenched. Besides, he wasn’t in the right position to do so, Taemin was just a replacement for Jongin and he knew it.

He wondered how far Jongin had gone for that guy. Maybe they’d come out of the closet soon? At that point Jongin would definitely left him alone; left behind every touches and affection that had grew between them. Heart constricting, he desperately (he was surprised that for a split second he didn’t want to) pulled out and spread the thought of Jieun all over his mind, everything that was her and anything to pull himself away from the slight pang (okay, not slightly)at the thought of Jongin letting him go easily. Replacement, huh.

“What’s funny?” Jongin asked.

Taemin sobered up, clearing his throat. “Nothing.”

Jieun didn’t think of him as a replacement to, did she?

Jieun.

“HOLY SHIET!!”

Now he only had 15 minutes to get ready because he couldn’t be late because today was the Day.

Holy . Jesus Christ holy . Jesus ing Christ—

Taemin was in front of his closets in no time, opening and closing furiously, looking for things to wear. Should’ve prepared on what to wear last night! What was he doing last night oh right, looking for a certain best friend out in the dead of the dark night—he’d kill Jongin soon.

“What’s wrong?” Jongin blinked at him, following him to his room. He pulled out two different jeans, two tees and one shirt. He threw them onto the bed and faced Jongin. “Quick, which ones better? What should I wear? Jongin quick!!”

“Why the rush? Are you la—“

“—YES, I’m late Jongin now can you please hurry up?!”

“Okay, okay, chill out! Why dress up anyway?”

“I want to impress, goddammit Jongin—“

“—Impress who…?” Jongin asked, not able to hide the fear in his eyes but yet, Taemin failed to notice. “My DATE! JESUS! Jieun supposed to be my girlfriend today!” Seeing Jongin being his unresponsive, weird self Taemin tuned him out and searched for more option.

“Okay so Jieun likes blue. Where’s that—“

“But no wait, hey, I don’t remember I have this vest. Should I? But what if Jieun doesn’t even dress up—“

“Maybe black? Jieun likes manly man right?”

“No she’ll get intimidated no, something casual, something soft?”

He grabbed a white jeans and a white-blue stripes button up and stared at it, “Okay belt belt belt Jieun likes it neat—“ When he found it he nodded, “—yeah okay this will work.”

“Don’t wear them,” Jongin said before Taemin managed to get out of his room.

Jongin walked to the closets, opened it and scanned his eyes through it like it was his own. Taemin would smile if he wasn’t running out of time. They were really close indeed. Jongin pulled out one of Taemin’s favorite jeans and his dark red shirt. He took the ones in Taemin’s hold and replaced it with what he just picked. Taemin blinked.

“You need to be comfortable on your date. It also looks good on you.” He explained with a forced smile, and he looked away. “Red suits you well.”

Taemin’s face lit up. “THANK YOU SO MUCH GOD BLESS YOU.” The older grabbed Jongin’s face with both his hands and smooched the younger’s forehead sloppily.

Now, he’d shower and smell good and go on a date and make Jieun his.

HWAITING!!

Out of shower and hair drained well, Taemin smiled to his reflection. He whistled to himself. I’m hot wearing red. He knew Jongin’s help would do him good. The younger had always been the one with better fashion sense anyway.

“Alright. Let’s do this, Lee Taemin.”

“Jongin? I’ll get going, be back around nine. You’re going to stay here or…?” He said loudly as he walked around the house, the usual check-up before leaving; if anything hadn’t been turned off, plugging off cables, turning off unnecessary lights. He found Jongin in his balcony, back facing him. As he slid the glass door opened Jongin asked him if he could stay.

“…sure? It’s not like you’ve ever asked before. You know where the spare key is right?” He knew Jongin didn’t turn to him the first place meant he wanted some space and Taemin respected that. He didn’t walk further out and closed the door with an ‘Okay’ right after Jongin nodded.

He walked to the doorway, and stared down at his stack of shoes, debating which one to go with. He hardly noticed a neatly placed leather shoes on one corner. It matched with his outfit really well. His heart swelled. Jongin.

He straightened up his back after slipping it on, and Jongin was already by his side.

“Thank you, Jongin-ah,” He smiled, and Jongin smiled back before looking down to Taemin’s feet, eventually went down on his knees.

“Whoa what are you—“

He bent down, trying to get Jongin up because what on earth was he trying to pull out of this?

“—let me do this for you,” Jongin softly cut in, and tied up the shoe laces that Taemin didn’t bother to do earlier.

His heart went crazy as Jongin’s fingers tightened the laces in an agonizingly slow manner.

Jongin… what are you doing…

There was a thick atmosphere covering them, it was familiar but very new just the same.

 It felt like when he kissed Jongin good morning that one time,

It felt like when Jongin nuzzled to him at the theatre,

It felt like this morning, when Jongin cooked him breakfast proudly, and him eating it whole-heartedly.

It felt like—

“Aren’t you late…” Jongin asked, starring down at him, he didn’t even realize Jongin had brought both of them outside. Standing in front of him, the younger closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and opened his eyes with a smile,

“I’ll wait for you,”

Jongin’s eyes was full with unbelievably sincere emotion, it tug at Taemin’s heart and squeezed it dry. His smile was one of resignation, and Taemin knew, the last sentence Jongin said meant much more than just he’d be there when Taemin got back. There was a deeper meaning.

It was going home to Jongin.

Heart beating fast enough to injure his ribcage, Taemin held his breath when Jongin stepped closer.

He held on the older’s waist tentatively before gripping to it and pulling him in. the tension in the air grew stronger, their fronts flushed against each other. And as Jongin hunched over and dipped his head to the crook of Taemin’s neck, he was almost sure he lost his sanity right then and there.

Jongin’s muscled arms were warm on his upper back, pressing them together even further but all kinds of heat left his body when Jongin said it.

“I love you.”

Jongin mumbled to the skin closest to his lips, forehead weighing on Taemin’s shoulder.

“Be careful on your way,” Jongin said, before stepping back to the apartment, closing the door on Taemin’s face.

::

The last couple of days had been heaven to Jongin; he never felt happier in his life. Taemin had received his gestures of being intimate so easily, if not anticipating it. Like when he rested his palm on the older’s chest as he laugh, or when he held Taemin's hand. Taemin was unresponsive at first, pretending like Jongin did not do what he did, but lately the elder embraced it all; he squeezed and leaned back. It was all Jongin could do not to drop one two lone tears for how happy he was inside.

There were times, when he saw Taemin talking to Jieun animatedly at the girls' locker, his best friend whispering sweet nothings to her ear that made Jongin question if what he was doing was worth it, if Taemin would ever look at him. But otherwise when Jieun wasn’t around, when there were just the two of them, it felt like Taemin see him the same way; as if Jongin was the only one he would ever see.

The older would smile at him then, during bus rides or before bed, when nobody else could see them; he would do it with such gentleness, such care and warm and right then and there, Jongin fell in love all over again.

Even Taemin’s tone had changed. Sure, he still spoke nonchalant and even mean like his usual self at times, especially when there were their friends around. But again when they talked of their inside jokes, in which they had to closed up to each other so Jongin could hear him better against their friends chatters, Taemin would whispered sweetly, almost romantically though it was about a lizard in Jonghyun’s pants; not romantic at all.

He also noticed that even when he hinted one or two things about Jieun; wanting to know how things was going no matter how scary it was, Taemin wouldn’t catch it and he really never, not even once talked about Jieun once when they were together. And although at first he was just thankful of how sensitive and understanding Taemin was, later he couldn’t help to think that maybe, it wasn’t that at all; maybe Taemin really did not think of Jieun when he had Jongin. The thought really got his hopes up and no; he didn’t dare to think how hard he would fall.

So when Taemin said he was about to make him and Jieun official, he didn’t know what to think.

Because true, doesn’t matter how much Taemin shower him with acceptance and even caring, they never talked. They never discuss whatever it was between them and what the subtle touches and lingering warmth had changed them into.  But the way Taemin looked at him, that heavy gaze Taemin gave him when he asked about the breakfast; if it was not love, he didn’t know what was. Because eyes don’t lie, and Taemin's eyes, particularly, are the truest Jongin had ever seen in anyone. All he knew was that he couldn’t let it happen.

He should’ve seen it coming, really. Yesterday almost knocked the life out of him. Right when he thought Taemin had loved him back, the older cut open another wound.

“I wasn’t the one who break your heart,”

Lord, hadn’t he made it obvious? What else he got to do to make Taemin understand? If not Taemin then who else could it be? Taemin told him to go get the man he wanted and with all his insecurities, he did just that. He flirted and cared and loved bluntly, not bother to shield anything. And he knew Taemin knew it wasn’t an overly friendly gesture because Taemin caressed his hand, massaged his neck and talked barely one centimeter from him at times; friends didn’t do that.

But again, Taemin seemed to mean it; clueless to the fact that there had only been him for Jongin. Which was probably why he carelessly about Luhan, so careless that Jongin had to be mute for him to start to show his sorry .

So with a determined will he had woken up early, took morning shower on a Saturday (happened once every two moon, really) and go out when most people still sleeping to buy what was necessary for a decent breakfast (that suited his lacking capability in doing anything kitchen-related).

He wanted to make it clear how he felt, he want to show Taemin that he meant it all. Because he couldn’t say it. He didn’t know how to, and never had to. People did it all for him, and girls literally flocked to him so all he ever needed to do was choose. And take.

Although must he mentioned, the hardest task that morning was none other than leaving a sleeping Taemin behind. Not for he was worried about safety. It was to leave such an angelic being, a beautiful sight while he could spend an ounce more time to dwell in the perfection. There would be that tingling feeling on his chest whenever he thought of it; although it wasn't the look that caused him to fall so deep, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t realized how mesmerizing Taemin was before. He felt dumb.

But that was okay, he had thought, because they’d be together eventually.

And as he was hugged from behind, a good morning whispered on his ear with a sleepy smile from a certain best friend, he knew there was nothing he would ever want more than this.

I need to impress.

Date.

Jieun.

He was sure he made nasal noises loud enough for Taemin to hear as the words being said, he was probably hyperventilating but there the older was, looking puzzled and panic between trousers and shirts, calling Jieun’s name on every sentence he muttered. Not once asked him what’s wrong like he should had been; not even a glance, none.

Jongin being the love drunken man he was had helped Taemin to pick, and it was fairly easy for him really. He had long paid attention to it that he knew exactly which piece of clothing would fit and made the older look his best.

Only when Taemin left for the bathroom, when he was all alone in the room with most Taemin-reeking things in it did he snapped from his trance.

Because Jongin hadn’t seen his Taemin talked about lee Jieun in a long time,

Because his life had been so perfect for him he forgot Taemin had not been his yet,

He forgot how impossibly bleeding his heart could be, how sharp every words coming out of those pretty lips.

But along with all the cuts that tore him apart more and more, he saw.

'Jieun' made shining eyes,

'Jieun' made bright smile,

'Jieun' made soft and loving tone.

Every 'Jieun' made him realize how Taemin had seen her as. He heard future, he heard expectation, he heard adoration oozing from Taemin.

He had been busy thinking of how his future with Taemin would be, he forgot to think of what Taemin actually wanted.

What if Taemin couldn’t get his happiness with him?

What if... Jieun was the future Taemin needed?

Taemin, Taemin, Taemin.

He loved Taemin too much to let him go, but if his prince wasn’t happy…

He was too much of an idiot to be having such a problem, he had nobody to ask to help him do things. He felt like he had done everything, save for—

Save for telling about it.

But that would mean crushing down his entire wall. He would have nothing left to protect himself. Once he said it he’d be . He’d have no shield anymore, and would give Taemin full access to literally break him down. He would be a mess to the point there’d be nothing left to be fix.

If he said it,

Would it be worth it?

He smiled bitterly.

Taemin worth everything.

Jongin slid down the door, hand clutching to his left chest in fear his heart would fall off. His cheeks wet and he couldn’t breathe through his nose. Maybe he shouldn’t stay here.

That was the last straw.

Go big or go home, Jongin.

Either Taemin would reject him or accept him, he just wished he wouldn’t lose his best friend. If he need to suffer for Taemin to be happy then so be it. At least he wouldn’t have that much regret later, because he really had done it all, and more.

He wasn’t sure what he expected from this, but whatever it was the result would end his waiting. Maybe it was time.

::

Taemin walked all-robotic like into the café where he was meeting Jieun, looking for her. He spotted her by the window, looking out to the street, a cup of tea in hand. She had little make-up on and her hair was braided with ribbons at some places, the rest were wavy on the tip. She was beautiful.

What Jongin had said, he wasn’t sure what it meant. he didn't want to get his hopes up—

what hopes, huh.

what do you expect.

what was it that you're so scared of getting proved wrong.

“Is everything alright?” there was a hand on his upper arm, his eyes took a second to focus but when he realized it was Jieun, he apologized profusely. It was like their first meeting all over again. Jieun chuckled at him and let go of his arm.
“It’s fine really,”

“And I’m sorry too for making you waiting here, I feel terrible—“

“—it was just a couple of minutes, relax, seriously why are you panicking so much?” Jieun smiled cutely and her eyes turned into pretty crescents. “Although, if we want to catch the movie we should get going now, I think,” she tilted her head to the side. They agreed on that and resumed to walk to the theatre. He kept on talking because any silence his mind would be filled with Jongin and it was frustrating. It was the easiest to lost himself in Jieun; she was practically enchanting when she talked, all that grace happening.

“Okay, what are we watching again? You said you’ve buy it online? I assume it won’t be a horror movie because, well. I expect more from you.” She despised waiting on a line so buying the purchasing the ticket online seemed to be the only choice, it was just that Taemin wanted to pay for the fair because he was the guy last time he checked and weren’t guys supposed to pay on dates? So Jieun told him he could pay for it by the end of the day. The said glared at him jokingly.

“What’s so bad about horror movies anyway?”

“You did not, Lee Jieun.” Taemin faked a horror on his face.

“If I did,” Jieun continued on.

“I will bail on you right now,”

“You’re scared of it? Taemin I expect more from you, really.”

He squinted his eyes, maybe if he did it long enough he’d get at least her eyebrows burnt. “You, you.”

Jieun patted his shoulder as in pity, “Not everybody is perfect, don’t worry,”

“Oh god,” Jieun laughed heartily at his desperate tone. “Kidding. We’re watching the Avengers. Good enough, right?”

Memories of yesterday’s event flashing real fast in his mind, attacking him from every sense; the vibration on his shoulder when Jongin laughed, Jongin’s perfume, Jongin’s beaming smile, Jongin’s soft, deep voice—

“Taemin-ah…”

Jieun was in front of him, she seemed worry and he decided quickly that he wouldn’t tell her, the tickets had been purchased anyway.

“I’m fine. Sorry, I was just. I’m fine. Let’s, let’s keep walking?” he saw Jieun bit her lips from the corner of his eyes. “So uhm, why the Avengers?” He said as they continued to walk.

Jieun shrugged. “The preview was nice. I basically only watch it for Robert Downey Jr.,”

“If you’re trying to make me jealous, it’s not working.”

“I’m not. I just think his acting was sort of perfect? And have you watched Iron Man? He made Stark much more appealing in so many levels, and don’t make me start on my favorite movie of him, I—“

“Did you just say appealing?” his voice got unnecessarily high at the last word.

“…yes, why?” Jieun blinked.

“…he’s really not that good, you know. What appeal. Stark was a walking bank. And a robot. Everyone loves a walking bank. Anyone could play that role and still looking appealing. Money is appealing,”

Jieun smirked, it was the first Taemin had ever seen and it was very… sensual, to say the least.

“I thought you said it’s not working.”

They were waiting for the movie to start outside the cinema, and the woman on the ticketing eyed him suspiciously. He had been trying to avoid her gaze but it was like boring his skull. He couldn’t blame her, really. Just yesterday at the almost same hour he was in line with a guy, all touchy feely and now he was clearly flirting with a girl. He sighed.

“Do you want to cancel the movie?” Jieun asked him. Taemin’s eyes widened.

“No! Why— what makes you think so?” Jieun looked down.

“You were… you sound tired,” he was not tired. Why would she—oh.

“I’m sighing because that girl on the ticketing counter won’t look away, Jieun. It’s disturbing but I want to watch the movie with you, don’t think otherwise, okay?”

She looked up to meet his eyes again, searching. She seemed to be satisfied with what she saw and turned around instead, to where the ticketing was. She looked around, nonchalantly looking through the crowds and passed her eyes on the counter for a split second before looking back to Taemin again, “she looks like she was going to eat you,”

Taemin groaned, “Like I don’t know that already,”

“Your ex?”

Taemin was torn between being smug because that was definitely jealousy, and being insulted because that woman was probably thirty. He went with the second.

“Are you serious?! Do I look that desperate to you??” he looked at her incredulously.

"Sometimes," She shrugged.

"What."

::

They ate at a steak restaurant, both enjoying their meal now. Jieun ordered food, not a mere plate of salad. And she ate like a lady; very clean and soundless and—you can all tell what he was going to think next—graceful. Maybe she was a lady, who knew.

“Liking it?” he asked. I’m liking it. I’m liking you, too.

Jieun her lips innocently, and he knew she didn’t mean it but he stared at it anyway. Bad Taemin!

“I do. I like western food in general. You?”

“I’m ordering my second plate.” He joked in a not so small voice. Jieun tried to not laugh out loud by biting her lips and covering her eyes with both hand. “What? It’s really good. I think this is the best steak I’ve ever had. I like steak a lot.”

“Good for you, good for you,” she said as she grabbed her cutlery again, the remnants of her laugh still present on her face. “You might want to find a wife who cooks well so she could make you steak every breakfast.”

Breakfast.

He didn’t think so. He just need someone who was willing to wake early to make him breakfast. The food didn’t matter. Just the sincerity. And the smile. And the sweet good morning. Yeah, that would do. That would be perfect.

Jieun cleared .

“Hmm? You said something?” he asked.

She suggested, if Taemin was not tired, she added, if he wanted to they could go to the park nearby? Taemin told her that he didn’t want to go home yet as well (what was waiting back in his apartment made him nervous) and thought it was a good idea.

So they were sprawled at the park now, both laying down on their backs and facing the sky, watching little kids playing balls with each other and their parents.

If Kyungsoo was here, he’d probably call Koala on that kid.

If Jongin was here he would—

.

“Hows school, Taemin-ah?” Jieun asked, not looking at him.

“Same old,” he answered, not looking at her either. That one cloud looked suspiciously like a golden fish.

“Your parents? Are they alright?”

“They’re so fine they forgot to check on their son sometimes.” He snorted to himself.

“How… is Jongin?”

He probably twisted his neck too fast because it hurt, but he couldn’t help it, Jieun’s question was so sudden and he didn’t expect to hear ‘Jongin’ from her so he needed to look at her, to make sure he heard right. She only blinked up at him innocently.

All the heavy thoughts he had been avoiding came flooding back, suddenly he felt like those people burried in the sand on beaches with only head left for breathing. Jieun had been pretty disctracting and he was grateful, just why did she have to ask.

“Jongin is the dumbest mammal on earth,”

He finally said.

He told Jieun of Jongin, about his background and his family, his first dance class with him and their performances. He told her some of Jongin’s most idiotic moments and laughed about it. He told her everything except the changes between them the last couple of weeks.

“I used to be the one pampering him, you know. He was so small and such an attention . He still is, but not small anymore. At one point he, I don’t know probably drank five liters of milk a day. He wouldn’t stop growing.”

By the end of his speech, Jieun looked guarded and refused to meet his eyes. He asked what was wrong and she told him she was tired, could they go home, please?

“Okay, let’s go.”

As they walked to the bus stop, Taemin just couldn’t stop talking about Jongin. He told her about Jongin’s first try in being a playboy, and how those girls would believe his bull.

“…I heard he isn’t anymore? He’s been rejecting girls, Suji told me,”

“…yeah,”

“What happened? I mean, if it’s okay, with you—never mind I shouldn’t have asked—“

“—he fall in love,” Jieun didn’t say anything so he continued. “He cried the first time he told me about it, you know? He thinks they couldn’t be together, he never told me why,”

And if Taemin wasn’t so drown in his best friend’s sadness he’d notice the sadness in someone else’s eyes, the one he missed.

Silence followed and this morning’s event was played on repeat in his head. Could it be? Jongin could be saying it just because he was afraid of being replaced right? He did tell him about his date with Jieun. If it wasn’t though…

He thought about Jongin and the two of them. Jongin never really told him who the guy was, or why he was rejected; if he was rejected at all. He was too much of a coward and he regretted it; now he left alone to guessing and musing and it was downright frustrating. Before he knew it they already arrived at Jieun’s place. Unlike last time though, Jieun stopped at her gate and turn around to face him, seemingly not wanting Taemin to go to her door.

“Your parents home?” he tried, because really, this wasn’t how he thought things would turn out to be.

“Yes,”

“Can I see-“

“No.”

Taemin was taken aback by the almost harsh reply.

“But… I… may, may I know why?”

“You know why, Taemin-ah,” Jieun smiled weakly, “I just… don’t think it’s necessary anymore.”

He didn’t know what was that supposed to mean but that was almost a clear rejection, and he was hurt. It was suddenly clear to him that the evening didn’t run the way he wanted it to be. They were supposed to be lovers before the night end, he should have been able to shout out his love for Jieun to the world by now. He was back on his feet again; the night was coming to an end and the date of his and Jieun, he had spent on thinking about Jongin alone. The night he want them to finally be a couple, he had spent on thinking about someone else that was not Jieun; he had thought f the best ways to ask her to be his girl friend but he didn’t. He lost his chance, and there was no way to redeem it back now, was there?

He wanted Jieun. He wanted her so bad, so why did his brain work otherwise? Now Jieun hated him, he would never get this most admirable girl he had ever met. What went wrong? Did he read things wrong? They liked each other, he knew Jieun had come to like him too, so how come things didn’t ing work?

He would dwell in his heartache, except Jieun looked even worse. Her face had fallen, and for some reason she looked defeated. Guilt crept up on him although he was sure he did not do anything. He missed her ‘goodnight’.

When Jieun reached for the handle and faced the gate he abruptly hugged her from behind, and he was forever thankful she didn’t pull away; for all he knew she could turn around and probably slap him off, seeing how emotion was taking control over her.

He was surprised as Jieun leaned back at him, gradually trusted him to hold her from falling. She was so small and fragile in his arms. All he thought about was how bad Jieun’s heart could be right now, because she seemed hard to breathe, holding to his arms tight, her own hands trembling.

“What did I do wrong…?” Taemin said, his own voice vanishing with each second, “What did I do…” he unconsciously asked, because he knew he was ed up; everything was ed up and he felt useless because he knew he could never fix it.

He couldn’t fix her heart.

Jieun laughed bitterly, resting her head faintly on Taemin.

“Just don’t take too long, okay? It will hurt less for everyone.”

She took hold of his arms and pulled it down slowly, turning around.

Tears. Tears b in the corners of her eyes.

She leaned in and left a fleeting kiss on his cheek.

“Make up your mind, Lee Taemin.”

::

The walk home was dreadful, Jieun’s words truck him like a lightning.

Now it all made sense. Why Jongin never told him, why Jongin treated him differently. Even Jieun saw it (he didn’t know how she did it). It took him sometime, wasn’t entirely sure what was there to make up on. When he did he felt like the worst person ever living and really, he was such a moron.

Jongin was a moron, too.

In fact, he was the biggest moron ever. Now that he thought about it, Jongin practically seduce him while the younger knew he was already on his way with Jieun. And to think that he fell for it. Hard. That piece of . It was not fair on Jieun’s side, and at some point Taemin felt like he had been tricked. He should be upset.

He wasn’t. He felt sad and out of place, but the anger wasn’t there.

Why wouldn’t Jongin told him from the beginning? What was he afraid of? What did he think Taemin would do to him? Taemin would never hurt him in anyway, didn’t he know that? Now things had been so complicated, Jongin confessed to him instead. It hurt him that Jongin didn’t trust him. Weren’t they best friends?

He was standing on two ships at once and if he wanted to go anywhere, he had got to move one foot off and let one ship to sail without him.

 “Welcome,” He heard Jongin’s voice greeted him warmly. He closed the door behind him and stripped off his shoes. Jongin was standing three feet away from him and he could not bring himself to look at him in the eyes. This guy was in love with him. Had been, in love with him and he, with all his ty brain cells had not acknowledge that. 

No, he knew. He had known and he let Jongin in bit by bit but he refused to admit it because,

Because.

If Jongin to reject him... he knew he wouldn't make it.

Pfft. Such a coward.

Jongin sensed the older's reluctancy, he knew Taemin would probably hate him now. What was he thinking, confessing to someone that was going out for a date? But he fought the thought away; he did the right thing. Just a little more, Jongin.

He took tentative steps towards the older and hugged him. He didn’t get a respond.

Please, he begged internally. Please. Taemin-ah.

Taemin think of Jongin then, just a little; Jongin let him go today, while he could’ve told him not to. Jongin had let the person he loved to go on a date. It was such a brave decision, and hard, so he hugged back. Jongin immediately relaxed.

“I went home,” Jongin smiled sheepishly after they parted, “took shower and lunch.”

Why didn’t you shower here, I never mind you wear what’s mine, Taemin wanted to say, but he didn’t. He stepped in to his living room. Really, He wanted to blame Jongin for everything.

“Kyungsoo asked about you. He asked why… why he couldn’t play with you since it was a Saturday,”

I missed Kyungsoo too, I wonder what else have Baekhyun done to him. Taemin didn’t say it and sat down on the couch instead, watching the TV disinterestedly. He wanted to ask Jongin to go home, because he needed space to think, but it was late and there was just no way he was letting Jongin go.

“Are you mad at me…?” Jongin asked him.

He turned to look at Jongin’s direction, but not quite. Jongin didn’t follow him to sit down, instead he just stood there, and they looked like a fighting couple. He looked at the TV again. “No.”

Jongin shifted his weight from one foot to another before he said, “Then… can you look at me, please?”

Jongin could talk back if Taemin would rant and threw his anger, but he couldn’t stand being ignored like this, Taemin refused to talk to him, it was painful and he needed it to end. The older had been avoiding eye contact and if he didn’t look at him by the next second Jongin would probably cry.

“I’m tired, let’s just go to bed. Wait for me in my room while I change.” The older said. Head hung low, Jongin walked to the bedroom, Taemin a few steps in front of him. He slipped under the blanket and faced the wall, while Taemin changed to his pajamas in the bathroom. 

He felt the bed dipped behind him, signaling Taemin was on the bed too, ready to sleep. Jongin scooted discreetly closer to the wall, he was not sure if he was allowed to as much as look at the older. Should he sleep on the couch instead? But Taemin told him to wait here. He heard Taemin tossing and turning, trying to sleep. Jongin was too scared to even move. Taemin sat up abruptly, cursing under his breath and sighed heavily before he lay down again. Silence followed and guilt crept up on him, he was sure Taemin was going to kick him out because there was a hand on his upper arm suddenly and he was so scared, but instead pushing he was being turned, another hand came to the rescue until he was positioned on Taemin’s side, half of his body on top of the older and his head was placed on a shoulder.

Did this mean that Taemin…?

Jongin shut his eyes as tight as possible, willing the thought to go away. He didn’t want to expect anything anymore; this was enough.

“I know you can’t sleep too,” Taemin beat him before he could ask anything. “Just sleep,” The hand on his head moved in caress, and the one on his back was rubbing soothingly. He wanted to tell Taemin that he loved him again, because he didn’t expect Taemin would hug him to sleep after what he did but he was in Taemin’s arms now, he was so happy he could stand not eating for a year. He would die though.

Five minutes down and Jongin’s breathing turned slower, much calmer, he had fallen asleep. His forehead creased slightly, and Taemin massaged it smooth. Jongin was sad even in his sleep. He held Jongin tighter; he was sorry. He hoped Jongin would sleep alright. He needed his sleep too; he’d do the mind making up later. The world had conspiracy on him though, it seemed like because his phone rang.

He groaned but stopped in the middle of it because he didn’t want to wake Jongin. He was a deep sleeper but worried Taemin was worried. He frowned at the caller’s ID.

Incoming call

Mrs. Do

::

Kyungsoo sneaked in to his parents’ room, looking for their phones. His mother’s, to be specific because he didn’t think what his father own was even a phone at all. The thing was four times of his palm and it would shook that weird shook every two minutes and made tickling feeling whenever he touched it and he had to hold it with both his hands by his ears if he wanted to make a phone call and the screen was as big as his face. It scared him.

Once he found his mother’s phone (DOISMYMAN was the password, he didn’t know what it meant, his hyung said it was cheesy so maybe it was ‘salty’ in Japanese) he ran back to his room and  dialed a number he knew by heart, carved on it from dialing the number almost every night once upon a time.

A couple beeps later the person he called voiced a hushed voice. “Yobosseo, Mrs. Do, is something wrong?”

“Hyung!”

In the other part of Seoul, Taemin held the phone away. Why was Kyungsoo calling this late?

“Soo? Hey,”

“Hyung! Are you home?”

“Mhmm, I’m home. It’s late, why aren’t you asleep?”

“Uh.”

“Soo?”

“Um,”

“Did your mom know you’re calling me?”

“…yeah?”

“You sneaked off didn’t you. She probably thought you’re already asleep. What did I tell you, Soo? I don’t like you sneaking around,”

“But! I want to talk to you!”

Taemin sighed, nobody could really say no to Kyungsoo, anyway.

“Alright. You got me. Not for too long okay? And give your mom her phone right after, apologize to her. Okay?”

“Kay…” he could hear the pout. He wished he was there to kiss it away.

“What do you want to say?”

“It’s Jongin hyung. And Baekhyun. He has been stealing my lunch and throwing his at my box! He won’t stop even after I told him he stinks and he laughed right on my ear all the time—”

Taemin didn’t listen to Kyungsoo much, he felt drowsy and tired and there was a face on his chest. He got too much things that needs to be solved to actually be concerned about the toddler, he hoped he wouldn’t get noticed.

“…..with him, hyung?”

“Hmm? What?” he tried to cooperate when he heard that it was a question.

“Are you with Jongin hyung?”

“Ah,” He eyed Jongin, he look deep in slumber already, “Yes, but… I don’t think he can talk to you now, Soo, he—“

“— so he’s still crying?” Kyungsoo seemed to be so down about it and Taemin should’ve been comforting him, but was too confused to actually do so.

“What do you mean?”

“Mh? So he isn’t?” he could feel Kyungsoo’s head tilt to the side. “He came home crying. He won’t come out of his room for hours and when he came out his face was all red. I thought he fell face first on the floor during dance practice again, like usual, but I remember he didn’t have class today. He told me to not tell mom.”

Taemin looked down slowly to Jongin. You’ve been crying?

Tracing Jongin’s face with his index finger, he could see now the slightly swollen eyelids. His heart felt heavy again. He didn’t mean to cause any of this. He didn’t mean to hurt anyone.

He didn’t mean to hurt Jongin. The more he thought about it the worse he felt; he had no idea how much Jongin had been hurt, what with him blatantly flirt with Jieun at school; God, he asked for his help on dressing for a date, and yet Jongin was still there when anyone else on their right mind would’ve left.

He didn’t want to lose this. Whatever he had with Jongin; he didn’t want to lose it. He moved them both so they were lying on their sides and he had access to Jongin’s cheek, and kissed it.

“Thank you,” He whispered.

Jongin woke up to an empty bed, he blinked several times but there were still no Taemin in sight. Before he could panic though, a pillow was thrown to his face.

“Wakey, wakey, sleepy head,” Taemin said with a small smile. Jongin blinked and Taemin snorted. Jongin’s legs were wide open and his arms were above his head, making giant heart. His body was bent almost forming a C. “Your hair is… everywhere.”

Jongin blinked some more.

Taemin cleared his throat and looked somewhere else. “It’s almost noon.” He detached himself from the door frame and walked away. “I made us tea, come on out!” he shouted.

They sat on the balcony again, much like yesterday morning, except there was certain distance between them now and there was no food. Jongin’s hair wasn’t everywhere anymore, he had spent almost ten minutes on just brushing it, because he shouldn’t be seen ugly by Taemin, dammit.

“Good sleep last night?” Taemin broke the silence.

“Mhmm,” Jongin hummed to his cup of tea. Real good, he wanted to say. Because you were there.

“That’s good.” Taemin replied too fast, and all too sudden he said, “Listen, Jongin. I think… I think you should go home.”

Jongin looked crestfallen and Taemin felt bad, but he needed to be alone. He looked scared too, so Taemin added, “I’m not angry at you. I’ll get you home. I’ll go with you. Okay?”

During the bus ride Jongin kept on glancing at Taemin, who was looking out the window. Once in a while Taemin would look straight ahead and Jongin would look down on his lap. So Taemin wasn’t angry at him. But he sent him home. Why? It was hard to think of a reason, he always came up with Taemin upset at him, which wasn’t true according to the older. His nails dig painfully on his thighs, to prevent himself from running away because Taemin wouldn’t like that and he’d look stupid.

They didn’t talk through the walk from the bus stop to Jongin’s place either, save for the goodbye on his door step. And something else.

“So… uhm, do you… do you want to come in?” he didn’t know why he even asked, because they usually just walked right in.

Taemin shook his head no, “Say hi to Kyungsoo from me.”

“Oh… ok…” Jongin was disappointed, he looked down but nodded anyway, “I’ll see you tomorrow right?”

“…”

Jongin frowned, Taemin wasn’t answering him again and so he looked up but unlike last night, where Taemin refused to look at him, this time those eyes were staring at him dead on. Jongin could not, for the life of him, look away.

“Should I even be doing this?” Taemin muttered, and it was so weak but the neighbor was quiet, Jongin heard it even though it was clear Taemin talked to himself.

“Um,” Jongin said cleverly. Taemin took one step closer and Jongin still couldn’t take his eyes off so he was looking down to Taemin now. His heart throbbed and his mind raced, Taemin was so close he could count the other’s eye lashes and God those eyes—

Taemin tucked some of Jongin’s too long hair on his temple behind his ear delicately.

“Am I doing the right thing…?”

Jongin gulped.

“If you’re happy…” He started, “Then it’s the right thing. You are kind, I know you’ll think of others first but there are times, when you should consider yourself first.” He hoped he got his point across. “As long as you are happy. I’ll be happy for you.”

“You think so?”

Jongin gulped again, but nodded anyway.

The older looked like he was going to hug Jongin but decided not to. He stepped back, “See you on Monday.”

::

Monday came.

Jongin was drowning in thought, he missed the older. Taemin had promised (well, said, same thing) they’d see each other on Monday, but he hadn’t seen a glimpse of that man he loved even once. And the last bell just rang. They should be going to dance practice! He pouted.

I’ll find you.

Jongin walked down the empty hallway. He had checked Taemin’s class but there was nobody there. He wasn’t surprised. He had also checked bathrooms, only to no avail. He had tried to call up the older but the phone was turned off. So now here he was, wandering in the abandoned part of the school. There were many unused class on that hallway really. He doubted he’d find any human being here but, well. Just in case.

Just then, he noticed a class with the door slightly ajar. Driven by curiosity, Jongin closing in carefully. He couldn’t help but think a couple probably was making out in there and Jongin snorted internally; amateur.  If it was him he’d lock the door surely.

Just like any other class in Korean school, these classes also had glass windows on the hallway side of the wall, so teacher or the principle, could watch how the class was going without entering. As he was getting closer, his steps grew quieter, he could see the silhouette of two people, a guy and a girl, definitely making out. He was getting good at this guessing thing. Now if he could see who it was. Because blackmailing sounded fun to him, at least until he saw the guy’s hair clearly.

The couple was kissing by the chalk board, and Jongin was approaching from the other end of the class so he couldn’t see the faces clearly. But that tousled hair, and the guys height, it was awfully familiar. Dreading to confirm his suspicion, Jongin’s steps got slower, and stopped even before the third window.

His breathing shallowed, he never felt so out of place his whole damn life. Do you know the feeling when you were poured one full bucket of hard rock from the top of your of your head? That was how he felt, if not worse.

Because he could recognize that sneakers anywhere.

And the dark blue backpack thrown carelessly on the floor.

There, in front of the class was his best friend, kissing none other than Lee Jieun.

„Chapter Four”

i'm sorry i made kai too girly but you can all blame that picture because pretty. can't stop starring at it ._.v

I hope this chapter isn't as bad as I thought it is ._____________.

please tell me what you think i'll love you forever. ill also apriciate if you like.. tell me which part is not making sense to you. and how do you spell yoboseo ...

have you all seen the picture of kyungsoo and taemin holding hands in the airport i think imma ship them and threw kai away