Peek Inside by lissamary
The Golden Lasso Review Shop {oo1 Batch Closed | B.U.S.Y. | HIRING ✔}
Review by DreamyEnt13
Title → (09/10)
Like I always say, a title is suppose to be something that catches a reader's attention and draws them in. Your title was attention grabbing to me, because it made me wander a peek inside what? You need to keep you readers guessing what the story is about because of a title, and you did just that.
I took three point off because in a crowd of titles, I would easily skip yours and the fact that it didn’t really tie into your story yet.
First Impressions → (04/15 pts)
First of all, you really need to fix your description. You're using the colors and holding wrong. Maybe you want to emphasize your words, but you're using the colors incorrectly and it just looks really informal. Also on your commas, you put a space before the comma. However, that isn't necessary. You only need a space after the comma, and not before.
On your summary, you reveal way too much.
"Hae Ra,a girl who had a big trust issue and problem in expressing her emotions and opinions started a new life at her new school, with hope she’ll found somebody who’ll break the ice inside her soul. Her past was still fresh in her mind, the friendship that was spoiled by betrayal and lies, and the death of her friend.Cold,conceited,arrogant and rude. Those words described her perfectly.Well they're not that accurate but that's what other people thought about her.Suddenly,the humble and sweet Kyungsoo appeared and started to melt the ice around her.When the feelings started to develop in both of them,Hae Ra tried to hide her feelings,merely because she’s afraid of the future.Kyungsoo who noticed Hae Ra’s feeling for him attempted to various of things just to show that their feelings are mutual.But it was definitely not easy, especially because they had shared the same past and invested their loves with the same person.Conflict’s raising and Kyungsoo’s confused with his own feeling.Did he care for Hae Ra just because she reminded him of his past lover? Or it’s a genuine feeling that’s special just for Hae Ra? Are they going to be blinded by love and words,or stick to reality and find the true light ?"
Put a space after your periods and commas. Secondly, there was no need to bold the words you bolded. Try sticking to a simpler summary, like this:
"Hae Ra, a girl with a huge trust issue, has trouble expressing her emotions, but will the humble and sweet Do Kyungsoo melt her heart of ice?"
Do you see how better that is? It's not a huge long paragraph chunk that basically tells you what the whole story is about.
In your foreword, there is one thing that I absolutely hate seeing on there: character description charts. It's basically a waste of the space on there. Most people merely overlook it. Instead of doing a character description, try introducing your character as the story goes on.
Also, you're in desperate need of a poster and maybe a background.
Language → (11/15 pts)
You did pretty well in this category! Although, you did have some problems.
Always put a space after a period.
“It’s recess time again.Hae Ra immediately headed to the building’s roof to spend another times there , not for the first time.”
Should be:
“It’s recess time again. Hae Ri immediately headed to the building’s roof to spend another times there , not for the first time.”
But the sentence is still wrong, because the structure of the second sentence is awkward. Try replacing it with this:
“It’s recess time again. Hae Ri immediately heads to the building’s roof to spend time there again; this was not the first time she had done so.”
See? It’s less awkward. Other than that, everything else is fine! Just remember to proofread your chapters before you post them.
Flow and Consistency → (09/15 pts)
Honestly, I felt you went a bit too fast in these categories.
It was only three chapters in when Hae Ri agrees to meet D.O. Give them a bit of time to develop their relationship.
Storyline → (12/15 pts)
You executed your plot pretty well in the fanfiction! The goal is to melt the ice princess’s heart, and you show Kyungsoo trying to win over her and ‘melt her heart.’ However, (again) the flow of the story is going a bit too fast.
Characters → (09/15 pts)
I got a bit confused; first, Kyungsoo is cheerful, then he’s sad, then he’s frightened. Keep your characters in one mood; if you want to change the mood, make sure the mood matches the setting.
Entertainment → (06/10 pts)
I enjoyed reading your story, but it seemed a bit too cliche. The errors also marked it down a bit, but overall, I liked your story :3
Total: 60/100
Reviewed by DreamyEnt13
PM DreamyEnt13 or ScreamingMidget for any additional questions/add-ons to the review/etc. Additional material may be managed by ScreamingMidget instead of original reviewer (to avoid overworking underaged children) unless otherwise requested.
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