To Fix You by Hyukkieoppa

Review by Classsic

Description

I won't let you fly, I won't say goodbye.

I won't let you slip away from me.

Mir  has been gone for four months. And one day, he comes back, old and new bruises littering his body, his physical self wasted, thin, painfully pale. Bloody, ragged, a haunted look in his eyes, he appears after so long. His voice seems to no longer work, he shies away even from the slightest sound, and his former self gone: replaced by an empty, sad shell.

With MBLAQ disbanded, the members go to a house just off the coast of an empty beach, to try to heal the brokern Mir. But a ghost haunts his every footstep, and a voice whispers in his ear every time he rests, and the members worry if they will ever see their loved maknae again.

This is the story of them. Of that lonely house on the beach, of the five boys within, of the monsters within the boy's mind.

Title → (8/10)

The title is a really good choice though it isn’t the most original, it did catch my attention (reminds me of Coldplay) and it totally fits your story. It also gives the readers some hints on what the story is about and that is good because the title really balances out the mysterious vibe in your story. I like it. :)

First Impressions → (10/15)

You have a really good description but I think it would be much better without the first paragraph. It is too descriptive to be a description, isn’t it ironic. Descriptions are used to describe the story not the character. You described here how Mir looked like when he came back, you could reserve that in your story. You may also cut the descriptive parts to look like, “Mir has been gone for four months, and when he suddenly came back, his former self is gone; replaced by an old empty shell.” and goes on with the second paragraph. Now that it has been cut down, see that it is still describing your story without giving away too much about the character. Leave something to the reader’s imagination.

Language → (12/15)

I like how you are being descriptive because it ‘shows’ and not ‘tells’ which is a factor when you want to have depth in your story. But sometimes it can be a problem especially when the sentences are not constructed carefully. It is also important to properly place the punctuation marks, misplacing it can lead to a misunderstanding to your story.  Also despite how I love how you are being descriptive but sometimes you have to tone it down a bit, there are sentences that are much better when it is simply written.

Always reread and edit. And I’m not only saying it to you but to all of us. Yes ‘us’ that includes me because I also have a problem here. Sometimes excitement gets to us and we want the readers to read it immediately or sometimes we haven’t updated much so putting it instantly is a must. There are spelling mistakes and grammars that you missed, I understand if English is not your first language (it isn’t mine either) so be careful with it. The mistakes were quite obvious in the first few chapters, but you are improving as the story goes on and that is really good. It could be understood perfectly and the story is showing emotions. There is a connection between the reader and the story. You are doing a great job! Keep up with it!

Flow and Consistency → (14/15)

The story is progressing slowly but surely and that is really good because you are taking time to let the readers feel the connection. I have only one thing to suggest and that is the shift between the POV’s, it is quite confusing at times. You could use third person to point out who is narrating or still use first person but do not let the person second guess who is narrating, it disturbs the flow when reading especially when it is getting to the good part.

Storyline → (14/15)

You executed the storyline pretty good. Four thumbs up! Though I want to read some happy parts like flashbacks before the incident.

Characters → (14/15)

You delivered each character pretty good. You didn’t throw it all out in one sitting but it was given bit by bit. Good job here!

Entertainment → (9/10)

Some parts of the story gave me goosebumps, it is really good. :)

Total → (81/100)

Reviewed by Classsic

PM Classsic or ScreamingMidget for any additional questions/add-ons to the review/etc. Additional material may be managed by ScreamingMidget instead of original reviewer (to avoid overworking underaged children) unless otherwise requested. 

 Leave a comment below indicating you have seen this review. Please upvote if you found the review satisfactory!

Feel free to ask any questions about your review or your life in general. Leave a comment after you have read it so we know you 'picked it up'.

Please support our shop by copying and pasting this logo to the right! Thank you! →