An Exceptional Christmas Occasion by exoticbabylove
The Golden Lasso Review Shop {oo1 Batch Closed | B.U.S.Y. | HIRING ✔}
Review by chimerically (formally DreamyEnt13)
♦Title → (08/10 pts)
Although your title is a tad bit too long, it's quite original. I haven't seen many fics with a title like yours, so you earned points on the originality section.
♦ First Impressions → (13/15 pts)
When I first read the description, I actually rolled my eyes because I thought this was going to be one of those cliche fanfictions. In a way, I was kind of right.
Also, for the description, writing it in normal black font (#000000) would be much better than changing the color. And as for the bolded words (meant & Missing in Action), I suggest using italics instead of the bold option.
♦ Language → (13/15 pts)
Your language was almost perfect, but there was just a few problems.
Original: Despite sitting near the fireplace; hands a few centimetres above the fire, she felt her heart ache as it started to freeze.
The semicolon is used wrong. A semicolon is used to connect two independent clauses (which are basically two independent sentences. What I would suggest is that you replace the semi colon with this:
Fixed: Despite sitting near the fireplace with her hands a few centimeters/centimetres (whichever you prefer to use) above the fire, she felt her heart ache as it started to freeze.
Also, did you double space between the paragraphs?
♦ Flow and Consistency→ (12/15 pts)
Although I absolutely loved your fanfiction, the plot was kind of rushed. It went from Hyemin reminiscing about her times with Chanyeol, then to her finding the lotus plant (which actually grows in murky, muddy water), then to him returning after being MIA. Maybe you should slow it down a bit and tell more about their relationship and how Hyemin was actually living her life now.
♦ Storyline → (11/15 pts)
Well, you definitely followed the plot, but it was a tad but rushed as I said above. You should also explain why Chanyeol was MIA, why he decided to return now, and just mainly about Chanyeol's side of the story. I suggest creating a sequel for his side :)
♦ Characters → (12/15 pts)
I felt like I couldn't really relate to Hyemin's character. I mean, she spent two years crying and waiting for Chanyeol but when she finally meets him, she's totally calm and happy. I couldn't also relate to Chanyeol, because I felt that he was lacking character.
♦ Entertainment → (07/10 pts)
Although there were a few mistakes with your story, I definitely enjoyed reading it. Keep up the good work!
Total: 76/100
Reviewed by chimerically
PM chimerically or ScreamingMidget for any additional questions/add-ons to the review/etc. Additional material may be managed by ScreamingMidget instead of original reviewer (to avoid overworking underaged children) unless otherwise requested.
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