He couldn’t breathe.

It felt like the world was knocked out of him.

Why?

Was the only think he could think of.

Why? Why did she leave?

Weren’t they happy?

Wasn’t she?

Was this fate?

Was it supposed to be like this?

He curled up into his sheets.

Life was looking so bleak.

He felt on the edge.

Ready to fall.

If she wasn’t by his side then what was the point?

If it wasn’t her then…who?

Who?

---

Today was the one year anniversary of his wife’s death. Jungsoo was determined not to fall into a sorry state like he had each morning counting down to this day.

Today he was going to grab life by the reins.

Today he was going to be happy.

Today he was going to---

“GET UP FOR THE LAST TIME, DAD!!!!!”

Jungsoo groaned as the sheets pulled over his head were rudely yanked away from him. He shivered as he was exposed to the cold.

“It’s Friday…” He mumbled in protest.

That didn’t stop the chorus of voices.

“Dad, we need to get going or I’m going to be late!”

“Dad, don’t forget that today I’m staying after school. Pick me up at 4:30!”

“Daddy, Can I have $5?”

“Ooh me too!”

“And me!”

“Father! I need to meet up with Changmin today! Hurry!”

“Dad you seen my violin?”

“Dad--”

“YAH!” He sat up glaring at the faces of his 12 sons.

Yes.

He had 12 sons.

12—freaking sons…

The youngest sons began giggling.

“What?”

“You have bed hair!” The second youngest, the feistiest one, Kyuhyun pointed.

Jungsoo felt his head and attempted to flatten the unruly hair. He then spoke. “Why don’t you get our neighbor Mr. Kangta to drive half of you?”

“Mr. Kangta doesn’t want to take us anymore.” Jungsoo’s least problematic son, Siwon said.

“Why?” Jungsoo seemed to be near tears. He didn’t want to waste so much gas driving half of them then coming back and driving the other half to school.

Siwon pointed at Kyuhyun.

“Of course.” Jungsoo sighed.

Kyuhyun smiled innocently at him then cast an ugly look at Siwon.

“Fine. We’ll figure this out.” Jungsoo got out of bed and stretched.

His bones cracked in satisfaction making his fourth youngest Ryeowook squeal in disgust.

“Ew Daddy!”

Jungsoo smiled, ruffled his hair then walked off to the bathroom.

“You got 5 minutes!” His second oldest son, Yesung called as he ushered the younger ones downstairs.

---

“We’re going to be late for school!!!” Kibum, the third youngest and the most well behaved rivaling Siwon, cried.

“I’m sorry Kibum.” Jungsoo smiled sympathetically at the boy through the rearview mirror of his old beat up minivan.

Heechul, Jungsoo’s oldest son, was taking his sweet time. Even though, Jungsoo had stressed many times before that they had a schedule to keep and that maybe he didn’t care for school but most of his brothers did, the 14 year old remained apathetic.

“Dad I’m squished.” Sungmin, the fourth oldest complained. He tugged on his pink shorts that were being sat on by his older brother Shindong.

The chubby boy rolled his eyes and stood up. Ryeowook who had been seated on his lap nearly fell.

“Hyung!”

“Sorry Wookie.”

Ryeowook glared at Sungmin who straightened out his shorts with a smile.

“Sungmin…are you sure you don’t want to wear pants?” Jungsoo asked eyeing his son’s girly borderline transvestite outfit.

Sungmin shook his head stubbornly.

“How about I buy you some pink pants instead, hm?”

“But, the guys in my class say I have great legs.”

Jungsoo’s eyes widened and he turned in his seat. “What? They say what?!”

Sungmin looked like he was about to speak when Heechul burst in smelling strongly of cologne.

“Ew Heechul you stink!” Yesung cried.

The other boys joined in.

“Oh piss off.” Heechul grumbled slamming the car door shut and giving a scowl.

“Watch your language.” Jungsoo snapped.

Heechul rolled his eyes then pulled out his phone and began rapidly texting.

The ride to school was like it was always was.

Heechul tuned them out with earphones and texting.

Yesung teased the younger ones by touching their philtrums.

Sungmin was staring at himself with a portable hand mirror he had stolen from a girl in his class. He kept making ‘aegyo’ faces, determining which was cutest.

Shindong was still scarfing down his second breakfast.

Siwon was studying his bible in preparation for his Bible Study Club which was every day after school.

The twins Eunhyuk and Donghae were trading secrets, giggling madly.

Zhou Mi, the first child Jungsoo and his wife had adopted was trying to draw outfits for Sungmin as he often did. He was dead set on being a fashion designing queen when he grew up. Though Jungsoo had told him several times the word was ‘king’.

Ryeowook was trying to be comfortable since he was on Shindong’s lap due to the lack of seats.

Kibum was also trying to be comfortable in Yesung’s lap but he couldn’t read his book on Physics that well.

Kyuhyun meanwhile was squished in with the twins in the front and seemed to be too into his handheld PSP to care about his position.

Henry, the last of Jungsoo’s sons and the second one that was adopted, hugged his violin case to his chest. Jungsoo had enrolled his son in Violin classes when the boy had expressed in interest in it. Already the best in his class, Henry was promising to turn into a violin prodigy, or so said his teacher.

Jungsoo loved each one dearly, but today it seemed unbearable to pretend that everything was fine. He dropped them off at their schools then held back tears as he told them goodbye.

Back at home he felt at a complete loss. The big house that had been a gift from his wife’s father seemed so empty.

He gave a long sigh then clambered up the stairs to his bed, where he would stay until it was time to pick up his kids.

They were all he had now.

And when they were gone, so was his strength to live.

---

“We need milk.”

Jungsoo looked up from the floor where he colored with Ryeowook at Heechul.

“Right now?”

“The twins are going to go bat crazy if they don’t have their goddamn cereal for their stupid Saturday cartoons tomorrow.” The teen muttered.

“Language Heechul.”

Heechul plopped on the nearby couch and folded his arms over his chest.

“You guys won’t really go crazy right?” Jungsoo asked the twins who were seated in front of the TV watching an anime.

“Yes we will.” Eunhyuk said without missing a beat.

Donghae nodded. “Bat crazy, Dad.”

“Donghae please don’t use that word.” Jungsoo rubbed his temples.

“But Heechul hyung--”

“Heechul’s Heechul. There’s not much we can do with him.” He cut in.

The twins snickered and Heechul gave a scoff.

Jungsoo shot him a smile. He was relieved when he saw the look of amusement in the oldest eyes.

Maybe I haven’t lost him completely to hormones.

“Alright.” He stood up stepping carefully over Ryeowook’s, Kibum’s, Henry’s and Zhou Mi’s artworks. “I’m going to the store. Anyone want anything?”

Immediately he was bombarded with requests.

“Cookies!”

“More cake mix!”

“McDonald’s Happy Meal!”

“He’s going to the store not McDonald's dummy!”

“Banana milk!”

“Tape!”

“Cookies!”

“Those Fruit Roll ups!”

“Cookies!”

“Strawberry milk!”

“Eyeliner!”

“Cheezits!”

“Cookies!”

He backed away from the children and waved his hands in surrender.

“Hey! Whoa!” He yelled.

They all quieted down.

“Someone make me a list.” He ordered.

Ryeowook wordlessly, handed a crayon to Kibum.

---

Damn Kibum and his brilliant memory.

The seven year old had managed to write down every single thing everyone wanted. The list required three pages.

Jungsoo shoved it in his pocket and wheeled his shopping cart down the aisle. He decided to buy only things that seemed sensible.

Pink lip gloss was definitely not going in the cart.

Neither was the complete boxed set of Teenage Mutant Turtles on DVD…Yesung.

That boy and his turtle obsession.

Jungsoo felt bad for not buying him one, but they were really expensive especially the kind he wanted. He put several more items into his cart, relenting himself to put in the lip gloss and the DVDs. He then glanced at the final item on the list.

“Cookies.”

Of course.

He drove to the snack aisle and paused halfway in it. He examined the shelves wondering exactly what kind of cookies his little fishy son Donghae would enjoy.

He opted for fish shaped crackers and reached for the box. He gasped as his hand came into contact with another.

The touch was electrifying and slightly familiar.

It made a tingle go up his skin. It made his heart jolt.

It reminded him painfully of his wife.

Was it…?

Jungsoo turned his head to the right. He came face to face with a man his age.

He pulled his hand away immediately feeling embarrassed.

Of course it wasn’t her.

She’s dead, fool. Get over it. How embarrassing…

“Ah, sorry!”

“It’s okay.” The man gave him a warm smile. His eyes forming into crescents. He handed Jungsoo the box. “Here.”

“No, it’s fine.” Jungsoo waved him off. He then glanced at the shelf.

Oh no…that was the last one.

He had really wanted those for Donghae.

“Take it.” The man insisted. “I’m too old to be eating these anyway.”

Jungsoo took it and bowed. “Thank you.”

The man smiled again. He then grabbed his basket and left down the aisle stopping near the end to grab some random cookies then moving on.

Jungsoo watched him go, with a small smile. What a nice fellow.

---

“What a coincidence.”

A voice near the back of his neck made Jungsoo jump. He whirled around looking startled then pulled his lips into a polite smile.

“Oh. Hello.”

It was the man from the snack aisle.

He gave the same smile from before. He seemed like the laid back type judging by the six pack of beers he placed on the conveyor belt. The laid back type that went out drinking until the early crack of dawn with friends, went to karaoke bars, to the beach—basically--had fun.

It’d been a while since Jungsoo had fun with friends.

Or fun in general.

Most of his friends had turned away from him after the death of his wife. He had turned into a dull zombie-like person with a constant routine and most wanted nothing to do with that.

The man then caught him looking at the beer and shot him a knowing smile.

“Want a drink?”

Jungsoo blushed slightly. “Oh no, thanks.”

“Why not?” The man protested as if he was insulted.

“I can’t.” Jungsoo shook his head.

“One drink isn’t going to kill you. Are you an alcoholic?”

“No. I’m fine. I just—can’t.”

The man scoffed, outraged.

Jungsoo paid the woman behind the register than began putting his grocery in bags. The man took to the conveyor belt beside him and put his own things into bags.

“Why not?”

Jungsoo looked up. Was the man really not letting it go?

“Come on, one drink. You look like you need it.”

Jungsoo laughed. “Really?”

“Yeah, you seem down.” The man nodded. “The atmosphere—around you…” He waved his hands around Jungsoo.

“I don’t know…”

One drink wouldn’t hurt…I do need a break from this…the milk won’t go bad in the car if I have one drink right?

Jungsoo pondered his choices then glanced at the man.

He smiled so charmingly, Jungsoo felt willed to comply.

“Okay…”

---

“My name’s Kim Youngwoon.” The man said as he offered Jungsoo a beer.

Jungsoo thanked him and opened it with a satisfying pop.

“Park Jungsoo.” He replied.

Youngwoon watched him down his entire beer with an amused chuckle. “You seem thirsty.”

“I haven’t drunk in a long time.” Jungsoo admitted.

“Well you’re in luck because I drink all the time.” Youngwoon smirked. He handed Jungsoo another beer. “You ever want a good drink, come to me.”

Jungsoo gave a mock salute. “Will do.”

They sat in a comfortable silence sipping on their beers when Jungsoo spoke up.

“Hey you know how you said the atmosphere around me seemed sad.”

“Yes.”

“Is it really that obvious?”

Youngwoon took a gulp of his beer and gave a him a look over. “Yes.”

Jungsoo sat back with a serious look. “Oh.”

“Look I barely know you, but let me tell you it’s okay to be sad. That’s healthy; it’s when you start being sad every day that it becomes…well sad.” Youngwoon said. “But who am I. My girlfriend dumped me five days ago and I hadn’t been able to stop drinking. Now I’m inviting random strangers to my car, no offense.”

Jungsoo shook his head. “It’s okay. Today is actually the anniversary of my wife’s death.”

“Wow. I got you at a bad time. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Jungsoo waved him off.

“Do you ever feel like…?” Youngwoon sighed then gave a laugh. “Never mind, I’m becoming too comfy with you. You’re probably already fed up.”

“No tell me!” Jungsoo grabbed his arm.

Youngwoon stared at him.

Jungsoo let go. He barely knew him but he really needed to know what the man was going to say. They seemed to have similar situations.

“Do you ever feel like… you never want to get out of bed?”

“Yes.”

“And you can’t breathe quite right?”

“Yes.”

“And…like you want to die?”

“Yes.”

Youngwoon shot him a pained smile. “Are we long lost twins?”

Jungsoo cracked a laugh. “Maybe.”

“No. You’re younger than me, I can tell by your good skin.”

“My skin is good?” Jungsoo rubbed his cheek. “Thanks, but you don’t really look older than me. I was born in ’83.”

Youngwoon’s eyes widened. “Really?! But…you seem so…”

“Thanks?” Jungsoo raised his eyebrows. “How old are you anyways?”

“27.”

“Ah so I’m the hyung here.”

“I wouldn’t be so proud.” Youngwoon frowned. “You owe me a drink.”

Jungsoo laughed.

“Here I thought I was the hyung, inviting a kid for a beer…aish…”

Jungsoo laughed harder feeling his insides nice and warm. He really had been missing out on life this past year.

“Youngwoon.” He breathed coming down from his laughter high. “Thank you.”

“For what? The beer?”

“No. Well yes, that too. But thank you for making me happy.” Jungsoo patted the man’s arm. “I promised when I got up this morning that I was going to be happy. You’ve done it.”

“Ah really?” Youngwoon smiled. “Well call me your Promise Keeper.”

“Promise Keeper.” Jungsoo gave a small burp. “I think I need to go home now.”

“Ah why?”

“My trunk is humid, the milk’s going bad.” Jungsoo fiddled with the lock and opened the door to the truck. He half slid out with a giggle.

Youngwoon got out of his side and helped him stand straight. “Geez, Park Jungsoo you barely drank at all.”

“I know, I’m just pleasantly buzzed.” Jungsoo said. He could feel the stupid smile on his face but he just felt so relieved. Maybe it was the fact that he had broken the boring routine he always had. Or maybe the beer had really gotten to him. Whatever the case, he was glad.

“Are you going to be alright to go home?”

Jungsoo nodded. “I don’t live that far.”

“Let me walk you to your car.” Youngwoon said grabbing his arm gently.

They made it over and Jungsoo leaned against his car door.

“Well, it’s been fun.”

“Yeah…”

“We should do this again sometime.” Youngwoon said.

“We should.” Jungsoo then rubbed the back of his neck suddenly a little shy. He seemed to forget how to make friends. “Um…”

He blushed as he met Youngwoon’s curious eyes. How could he say it so he didn’t sound so desperate?

“Can…can I have your number?”

“Of course.” Youngwoon reached into his back pocket and pulled out a flip phone.

Jungsoo gasped and pulled out the same one.

“Maybe we are long lost twins!” Youngwoon exclaimed.

They laughed heartily and exchanged numbers.

“I better go.” Jungsoo then said as he got into the car.

“Alright take care…hyung.”

“Bye.” Jungsoo waved though the window as he closed the door.

Youngwoon who was starting to leave waved back. Jungsoo watched his bulk figure walk back to his truck.

I can’t believe I befriended a stranger from a grocery store.

I can’t believe I drank in his car.

I can’t believe I gave him my phone number!

Jungsoo gaped into the rearview mirror, not quite believing the same person he was seeing had been the one who hadn't wanted to get out of bed that day.

---

So hope everyone enjoyed the first chapter!