Foreword: inspired by 2ne1's 'Missing You' MV 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3Ks0vtJefg

======================================

 

....I'm still missing you...

Is it bad?

You pressed your hand against the glass, sliding a finger down it absentmindedly. 

'______-ah, what do you want to do today?' Kris asked wrapping his arms behind you, swaying you from side to side, looking out the window of the apartment with you. 

Why are you with me?

You know what I am. 

Beyond repair....

He knew you were having an off-day, but he tried to lighten the mood regardless. 

'Let's go out.' He said warmly, kissing your cheek. You flinched away. 

'Please. Just don't.' You muttered continuing to stare out the window, standing still. 

Stop trying.

There's no use. You can't bring me back, 

Beyond repair...

Kris froze. 

How can you still love me....even after all I've put you through. 

I'm dead inside. 

'Will you ever be happy with me?' Kris muttered letting go of you.

I was....I am....I just can't show it. 

He tried hard to keep his frustration from spilling out, but you seemed to not care about his feelings...not caring that he was trying. 

Trying to hold on. 

While you continued to cling on to someone else. 

A memory...

You blinked slowly, never once tearing your eyes off the dull and grey sky...it began to rain...

'What happened to you? You said you needed time but...but this is too long Chagiya...it's not healthy.' Kris said pursing his lips together, ruffling his hair. Trying to understand. 

'Yes you went through a break up babe, but....but we all go through it.' He added trying to hold your hand. 

You barely blinked, staring out the window with a blank expression. 

You didn't lose the love of your life though...

'I told you Kris, I told you before we even dated. You love someone who's heart died a long time ago.' You muttered unmoving. 

You were telling him a watered down version - but for Kris's sake, you didn't want to hurt him any further. 

You couldn't tell him the truth. 

'Fine. I'm going out to buy dinner. I'll be back.'

Kris heaved an annoyed sigh and walked away.

You'll be back...but he wont come back....

The death of your heart, your spirit, your soul...

Kim Jongin...

'I just don't love you any more...I'm sorry _____-ah. But I'm sure you feel the same way...what's done is done now...' 

'Ah.'

A tear ran down your cheek.

And just when you thought you couldn't cry anymore. 

You waited until Kris had left before keeling over in excruciating agony. 

You thought your heart was dead. 

You didn't think you had any more tears left to shed. 

Silly you. 

You banged your chest in agony, trying to stop the useless beating of your frail heart, torn to shreds, ripped in half the moment he walked out that door, never looking back. 

The same conversation occurred. 

Day in and day out. 

Regardless of whether you were having a good day or bad one. 

'I just....I just hate the guy who left me.' You said, once again staring out the window, the darkening sky was filled with clouds. 

'I hate him too, for what he's done to you. But, what do you think I'm feeling?' Kris asked, there was so much sadness in his eyes. 

You envied it. 

You envied the emotion in his eyes. 

The passion he felt for another human being. 

Yours had fizzled out. 

You stared back at Kris, he was used to seeing the blank stare behind those brown orbs, unmoving...unlistening....relaying memory after memory with...Him....

'______-ah, are you listening to me? What do you think I'm feeling?' Kris shook you slightly, trying to bring you back - those were your good days - when he could bring you back...

Your eyes were brought back to him. 

Your heart nearly skipped a beat...

Nearly. 

Making him angry...

Was the only way...

He looked like him

Just like him...

When he was angry. 

--------------------

Kris entered the living room carrying his suitcase. 

Your eyes darted to the suitcase then back at him. 

Ba-bump.

For the first time in what felt like years - you felt panic. You felt the adrenaline slowly rush through your veins again - bringing them to life. 

'Where are you going?' You asked getting up from the couch. 

Kris tightened his jaw before speaking;

'I saw the pills - I saw the sleeping pills you were going to take last night.'

You fell silent. 

He wasn't supposed to know. 

You can't fix me. 

But you can't leave me either...

'I'm leaving - I can't. I can't sit back and watch you waste away - I know I'm making it worse. I thought...I thought I could make it better....for both of us - I thought I could fix you and you could fix me but...'

'-You're killing us...you're killing me....you're killing yourself.' 

'Don't you care?' Kris asked desperately, trying to find the answer in your eyes. 

I don't care about myself. 

I'm nothing. 

He proved that to me - he showed me how insignificant I was. 

How insignificant my love was. 

But you....

'Do you even love me? Do you?' Kris asked desperately once more, the tears threatening to spill over made something stir inside you, it felt like the first time you met him...

How dare I hurt you. 

What gives me the right to hurt someone the way he hurt me. 

But what you're doing is worse. 

If you leave me. 

You will become him...

'I.....'  You bit your lip. 

I'm too scared to tell you. I can't.

I'm too scared to say those three words....

I'm too scared to be hurt again...

'Tsk, So I guess it's goodbye.' Kris turned around. 

I want

Before he could take another step. 

I want to

Before both of you could think. 

I want to love you

His eyes widened. 

The way you love me

You'd gripped onto his jumper for dear life. 

You took a deep breath before speaking;

'I can't give you what you want....'

He didn't want to hear those words.  

'But...' Once again his eyes widened. 

Is this me talking?

'...But I can try.....' You whispered. 

Or my mask?

You walked around him, looking at his tear stained cheeks, taking a step closer and wiping the tears from his eyes. 

'Just give me time.' You said reassuringly, softly...

For once. 

For once in my life. 

Your emotionless stare towards Kris. 

Your mask. 

The mask you unwillingly put on. 

The life you unwillingly led...

The face you wore day to day....

It cracked. 

There was a chip. 

A small, yet prominent chip. 

And that was when you realized...

I will love you...one day...if you just wait....I will...I promise...

'Stay with me.' Your voice shook. 

This crack...

The size of a tear...

Tear after tear slid down your cheek - your eyes widened, unable to believe these tears.

Your fingers traced them unfamilarly.

Kris heaved a breath, a sigh perhaps - it was a sigh that he'd wanted to release for so long....for months....

Finally. 

Finally he knew... 

He pulled you in

And kissed the top of your head. 

Hugging you so tightly you couldn't breathe. 

But it was ok. 

You didn't want to breathe...

'I will keep at it. I'll keep loving you...until you give me all of you - I will save you.' Kris muttered in your ear, wiping the tears from your eyes. 

'Kris....' You called out his name...

For the first time. 

You called out his name. 

Help me....

Save me...

'I don't want to be like this anymore...' You broke down sobbing, crying your heart out. 

But for once. 

It wasn't over Him. 

It was over you. 

You were crying for you. 

So much time had been wasted. 

Loving a ghost...a memory... 

'I wont leave you, I promise. I'm here.' Kris muttered pulling you in closer. 

Jongin-ah....If you can hear me....

I hate myself for it. 

But I don't hate the love we once had. 

But I don't hate this new love I have....

You lifted your arms up, frail hands trembling... reaching out for the comfort...

Is it ok to still...

You clung onto Kris for dear life. 

Your salvation. 

Your second chance of happiness....

Miss you?

Jongin-ah....

 

...I'm still missing you....