September 29th, 2012

Dear Ilji,

   A new word I learned in the dictionary two days ago was disasterous. That sums up what these past couple of weeks have been. My parents have been constantly arguing and from what I can actually understand it's about the same thing. My dad is really mad about something my daddy did, which I'm not sure how he can be mad at my daddy. My daddy is perfect and really nice. Anyways my daddy keeps saying sorry but my dad won't accept it.

  These fights (when I'm actually around to hear them) have been making me feel bad but they've been far more worst to my daddy. His eyes have dark circles under them like he hasn't slept in weeks and his temper is really short. A few days ago he got upset with me because I didn't brush my teeth at the time I was supposed to and I was only two minutes late because I was caught up with a book. He looks like he's about to break and my dad does too. He looks just as bad too. Maybe the grown up juice is what kept him going because his skin seems a lot paler and he looks tired all the time. Not to mention is patience for anything is short and he shakes a lot. Maybe he's just really cold but I don't know.

  Last week uncle Baek and uncle Channie told my daddy not to go back over to the house because my daddy looked like he was going to lose it. That only made my daddy really mad and he flipped out on them both. I was really scared because I never saw him yell so loud, neither did my uncle's either, they were in shock trying to calm him down. It was something I didn't want to see and I ended up crying but Hyun Seo was there to comfort me. After that my daddy apologized to everyone before he left back out to take care of my dad.

   This weekend uncle Baek told me to stay at his house because all I would be hearing is arguments at my house. He was right too, but I still wanted to go. I really miss my house and even though there's a lot of arguing I'm still here with my daddy. I just want to see him as much as I can because I miss him more than anything. 

  Right now I'm in my room because my parents...are fighting again. Today is one of the really loud arguments...I guess I will talk to you later Ilji I really don't have that much to say. Please wish me luck as I sit this out.

  Jun Min closes his journal and places it in his travel bookbag. In order to ignore Jongin and Kyungsoo's argument Jun Min grabs a flashlight, one of his books from the library, and takes refuge in his closet.

"Jongin I'm drained and I can't even argue on anymore! We've been arguing about the same damn thing for the past couple of weeks and gotten no where," Kyungsoo attempts to keep his balance by holding onto the couch. Jongin came out fifteen minutes prior for something and they immediately broke out into a colorful argument about the same thing. At this point Kyungsoo feels like he's about to faint. He hasn't eaten or slept well for the past week. 

"Then how about you just leave?! I don't want you here in the first place. You've been nothing but a pain in my ," Jongin says. He's leaning onto the wall, 5 inches from Kyungsoo, trying to remain standing. His eyes are bloodshot and he's seeing things hazy.

Kyungsoo trembles for a moment and his bottom lip quivers. He drops to his knees and takes ina deep breath to stay conscious all while hilding back the urge to cry. Jongin stands their unempathetic and it about to leave again until Kyungsoo speaks up.

"I still love you," Kyungsoo whispers out. Jongin turns back around and stares. "I don't want to leave because I still love you...I always loved only you--"

"No you didn't. If you did then you wouldn't have been sleeping around with other guys!" Jongin shouts.

"Stop saying that! I didn't sleep around with other guys it was only one guy and it was a one time thing!" Kyungsoo doesn't hold back as the tears fall. "It was a one time thing and I got pregnant okay I can see why you were so angry but what you asked me to do was that still necessary?! I told you countless times that I'm sorry and that it would never happen again but you never listened to me! I never wanted to hurt you like that Jongin! I have always loved you and I still love you to this point--"

"Stop!" Jongin screams out while his eyes are teary. He's shaking too and he's trying not to break down in front of Kyungsoo, he didn't want to seem like the weak one.

"I never stopped loving you! I never turned my back on you like you turned your back on me! Even after those cruel things you did to Jun Min I was so angry with you and tried my hardest to hate you forever but I couldn't and I think I'm an idiot for that! I don't know what I was expecting when you first reacted to the situation...we were already tearing apart but I thought you would have been accepting because the Jongin I fell in love with was always understanding, but no! You pushed me away and never looked back! You said you would love me forever but you weren't there for me when I was in the worst type of pain! Everyone I love was there for me except you! I still believe that you can forgive me...please Jongin, you are the only one I will ever love. Please just forgive me." 

  By this time Jongin has his eyes covered with his hands. But tears pass through the small opening of his fingers and roll down his cheek. He blames the lack of sleep that's making him like this and the fact that his body is still cleansing itself from the arubt consumption of alcohol. But he's crying and the five years of emotions he'd been bottling up finally spilled and makes him hysterical. 

"I tried to hate you too...I'm still trying my hardest to hate you," Jongin chokes out before he walks quickly to his room and slams the door shut. While on his bed he starts shaking and he tries to control himself but it's not working, but his emotions can't be controlled. As he relives the past five years in his head, all the loneliness, hatred, and alcohol, he starts crying even harder. Jongin hates himself for being this weak but what Kyungsoo told him, would make him go insane even if he was completely engulfed by intoxication. Why did Kyungsoo have to say things like that, say those things to make him feel emotional?

  Jun Min peeks out the room to find Kyungsoo bawling his eyes out on the floor. Before Jun Min goes over to help he looks around to see if Jongin had done something mean but Jongin wasn't around, so he runs up to Kyungsoo and gives him a hug. Kyungsoo grabs tightly onto Jun Min and hugs him as if it were the last time he'd hug his son all while telling Jun Min how sorry he was for everything. Jun Min felt down because seeing Kyungsoo like this is not fun at all, it's truly awful.

"Things are going to get better Jun Min. I'm so sorry for all that I've done," Kyungsoo whispers. In that moment Kyungsoo decides that it would be best for everyone if he stopped going to Jongin. These arguments were going to stop...Kyungsoo needs to get healthy again. He's in bad shape and his mental health is going down south again, he won't let it happen again. Kyungsoo realizes that Jun Min is the only one he really needs, his son is what makes him the happiest. The more Jun Min stayed around all of this, the higher chances Jun Min would end up on the wrong path. Things are going to change.

October 15th, 2012

Dear Ilji,

     I keep on saying sorry for not writing in you a lot. I would say that nothing has been happening but I would be lying. Things are getting better well they started off getting better. After that big fight my daddy's had, my daddy stopped worrying about my dad completely. He rested up a lot over the weekend. I never thought he could sleep so much and he started eating again. Soon enough he wasn't pale (well atleast not as much) and his dark eye circles were no more. He seems happier now~

  Uncle Baek is really happy that my daddy stopped worrying about my dad. My daddy and uncle Baek stopped having late night arguments about my dad and it's all smooth sailing. I'm so happy because I always knew it would smooth sailing without my dad. 

    Sadly everyone but me and my daddy and Chang Seo got this really nasty stomach flu and everyone in the Park family is really sick. It's really weird how me and my daddy didn't get it and we are staying in the house. It's also odd that Chang Seo didn't get it because uncle Baek is always holding him.  Now I have to wear a mask whenever I'm inside the house. Anyways since they are super sick they can barely get out of bed so me, my daddy, and Chang Seo had to go run errands for the Park family. We had to do their food shopping and pick up medicine for them.

  When we were ready to run the errands my daddy realized that he didn't have his grocery card on him and he didn't want to go back in the house and trouble uncle Baek. His grocery card was at our house, the place we wanted to avoid. But it wasn't that big of a deal plus I asked him if I could pick out a couple of books from my library to bring back to my uncle's house and he told me I could. So we stopped at home.

I expected the house to be a mess when my daddy, Chang Seo, and I entered but it wasn't. I thought there would be grown up juice but there wasn't. My dad wasn't home (we checked) and all that was left on the living room table was a puzzle piece set. It had 1500 pieces and the cover photo had ballet dancers on it. All I could think was woah that's a lot of puzzle pieces that could take a long time. But my daddy was telling me to hurry up so I couldn't stare at it any longer. I got my books and then we went shopping but I'm still curious about the puzzle pieces.

"Are you sure you'll be alright?" Baekhyun coughs out. His stomach flu turned into the really sicky flu and he feels terrible. Chanyeol is at work and won't be home for another five hours and Baekhyun needs his sleep. Both Chang Seo and Hyun Seo are sick now and running dangerously high fevers. Kyungsoo said he was going to take the two boys to his job and try to lower their fevers with the heavy duty antibiotics. Baekhyun wants to go but he can barely get out of bed. There's one thing that Baekhyun really doesn't like seeing and that's seeing his babies sick. 

"You need your rest. Please just sleep and take the medicine I gave you and drink the bottles of orange juice I left on the side of the bed. You need to stay hydrated Baek," Kyungsoo informs as he's gathering the boy's day bags. "I can handle them. I deal with sick kids all the time."

   Jun Min is helping Hyun Seo by getting all the things Hyun Seo wants for his day bag. It's hard for Hyun Seo to talk because he has a sore throat but he manages to say he wants his 3ds and two action figures. Jun Min grabs them and hands them to Kyungsoo before grabbing his own bag. Kyungsoo has already put Jun Min's journal, note pad, and books inside. After that the two older boys put on their hoodies while Kyungsoo dresses the baby in his hoodie. 

"Is everyone ready?" Kyungsoo asks. Hyun Seo nods while Jun Min is writing quickly on his notepad.

I don't want to go back to the hospital

"Well you can't stay here Jun Min. The hospital is the only place you can go to," Kyungsoo answers.

But I don't want to go 

"That's too bad," Kyungsoo says. Jun Min wants to whine because he's getting upset but he remembers he's about to be eight and  he needs to control himself.

Please can I atleast go home??

"What about Hyun Seo he's going to need company while at the hospital."

You're going to give him medicine he's going to fall asleep. Can I please go home?

 Kyungsoo sighs in frustration. There is one thing about Jun Min that drives Kyungsoo nuts, and it's his persistance. Kyungsoo just wants to take the boys to the hospital and help them get better because this sickness needs to go away. Kyungsoo doesn't even want Jun Min to go back home, he's not even sure if he trusts Jun Min in Jongin's care. After all the recent events Jongin could be plotting revenge for all Kyungsoo know's.

"I don't even know if Jongin's home...why do you want to go home so badly? I don't trust Jongin with you Jun Min. What if he does something bad to you? He's already expressed his feelings towards us and they aren't good Jun Min. He doesn't like us and we don't like him..."

I miss my room...Please can we see if he's home? If he's not then I won't ever ask to go over there again. I don't want to see him, I just want to go home.

Kyungsoo ponders for a moment until he finally gives into Jun Min. First stop Jongin's house.

   To Kyungsoo's dissapointment Jongin's car is parked outside when they drive by. Kyungsoo wants to pretend that he didn't see the car and race down the street before Jun Min noticed but he can't, only because Jun Min's eyes are already locked on the black Mercedes. The bad thing is Kyungsoo didn't even tell Jongin that he's dropping Jun Min off, Jongin might not even let Jun Min in the house.

   Jun Min gets out the car with Kyungsoo once they are parked on the street. The Park kids fell asleep in the car instantly and are catching z's while Jun Min and Kyungsoo walk up to the doorway and ring the bell. Even though Kyungsoo has a key to the house he can't just barge in and leave Jun Min. Jun Min is tapping at his sides nervously while they wait for the door to open.

  The door opens a few seconds later and Jongin looks suprised to see them both. He's wearing a black hoodie and gray sweatpants. His hair is unkempt and he's wearing his glasses, something that's extremely rare. Kyungsoo and Jongin look anywhere but at each other in silence, leaving Jun Min really confused.

"I have to take Hyun Seo and Chang Seo to the hospital and Jun Min doesn't want to go. He can't stay at Baek's house because Baek is also sick and Chanyeol is still at work. He wanted to come here but I wasn't sure if you were home or not or if you would let him stay...Can Jun Min stay over for a couple of hours?"

   Jongin looks at Jun Min for a little bit. Jun Min is staring with pleading eyes because he really wants to go to his room and play by himself. One more glance and Jongin steps back to open the door a little more. Jun Min hugs Kyungsoo before taking off his shoes and walking straight to his room.

"Don't you lay a finger on him or I will hurt you," Kyungsoo threatens before heading back to his car. Jongin is left to think for a moment before he closes the front door and goes back to what he was doing.

Dear Ilji,

I've been here for a little bit and I was so happy to be back in my room. Though I'm not going to stay here that long I still got to lay on my bed and play with my stuffed animals. I was going to watch my hour of television but my dad is in the living room.

  He started on the puzzle but he hasn't gotten anywhere. Only a couple of pieces are together and he looks really focused on trying to find more matching pieces. I've been watching him for awhile and the way he's doing it isn't right. When me and my daddy do puzzles he always tells me to connect the end pieces first before attempting to connect the middle pieces. I don't know if I should tell my dad that or not he might get mad at me and yell.

Plus I don't even like him, why should I help him?

  Jun Min puts his journal down and continues to peer at Jongin from behind the couch. Jongin strings his hand through his hair and lets out a sigh of frustration. The puzzle was supposed to make him feel better and at piece but it was doing the exact opposite. Jongin thought the puzzle was making fun of him for how messed up he is at the moment. Since Kyungsoo stopped coming by Jongin felt so confused. He thought he would be happy but no it's just like five years ago, he's all alone with no one...except this time he has no alcohol.

  Jongin is about to call it quits until Jun Min taps Jongin's shoulder. When Jongin faces Jun Min all he can see is Kyungsoo but surprisingly it doesn't make him angry like it usually does. Jongin hopes Jun Min isn't hungry because Jongin can't cook for his life. Jun Min hands Jongin a blue sticky note.

When you do puzzles you have to connect all the end pieces first.

"Wow how did I forget that?" Jongin speaks his first sentence of the day. He can't believe he forgot the most important rule of puzzles and a seven year old had to remind him about it. Kyungsoo used tell him the golden jigsaw rule all the time and he completely forgot. Jongin takes one of the box and starts sorting through the mass of puzzle pieces to find the end ones. Jun Min is still watching Jongin closely. Jun Min is shifting from side to side uncomfortably and Jongin does notice. "Look kid if you have to use the bathroom you should go use it."

Jun Min shakes his head and starts writing on the blue sticky note again. Jongin continues to sort through the puzzle pieces while Jun Min writes.

Can I help?

"This puzzle is too advanced for you."

I can do it it's just connecting pieces that fit together

"You think it's that easy? Well you're wrong. I'd like to see you try though and if you can connect some pieces together then I will let you help more. Sounds fair?" Jongin asks. Jun Min nods his head and moves the notepad to his side. Jongin pours half of the pieces into the other half of the box and tells Jun Min to sort through them. Jun Min does as he's told and sorts through the puzzle pieces, taking out the one's he needs when he coms across them.

  After twenty minutes of sorting Jun Min finishes his pile before Jongin and he's already trying to connect the pieces together but he doesn't succeed. There's too many pieces with the same color that look alike but have different ends. Jun Min tries his hardest to connect the pieces because he wants to prove Jongin wrong. Jongin notices Jun Min struggling and is about to tell him that he can't help anymore but something stops him. Jun Min is really trying his hardest and Jongin thought he'd be even more of ajerk if he did that. He knows that Jun Min hates him already he doesn't want Jun Min to hate him even more. Instead, Jongin helps by showing Jun Min the finishing photo so Jun Min could know where the colors went.

  They ended up mixing their end piece piles together and had quite a few pieces combined once done, they were making progress. Jongin is moderately happy because he'd been stuck on this puzzle for a couple of days and could not put pieces together even if his life depended on it. 

"Usually kids your age don't find big puzzles interesting," Jongin says aloud. Jun Min only nods as he connects two puzzle pieces with a smile. Jongin forgets that Jun Min doesn't talk at all and it makes him feel guilty. Jongin decides not to talk anymore and continues to work on the puzzle. He asked Jun Min if he wanted anything to drink but Jun Min shook his head. Jongin is boderline dehydrated and he just had juice an hour ago. Jun Min has been here for three hours and he hasn't asked for anything. Jongin gets juice for himself and brings back a cup for Jun Min just in case. Jun Min ends up downing the juice after five minutes of it sitting there. Jongin chuckles to himself.

   The doorbell rings an hour and a half later. Jongin and Jun Min have the whole bottom row of end pieces connected and they were halfway done with each of the sides. They made a lot of progress. Jongin gets up and answers the door and is a little dissapointed to see Kyungsoo.

"I hope he wasn't too much trouble...This isn't going to happen again," Kyungsoo says. Awhile after the argument, more like two minutes after it Kyungsoo decided he needed to stop attempting to latch onto Jongin. He thought it would be ridiculous of him to try and stay, when the time is right Kyungsoo is going to officially move out with Jun Min and sign the divorce papers. Only when the time is right.

      Jongin nods his head and opens the door for Kyungsoo to come in. Kyungsoo looks at Jongin like he's crazy but steps into the house anyway. Once Jun Min see's Kyungsoo he gets up and runs straight to Kyungsoo to give him a hug. Kyungsoo picks up Jun Min with ease and gives him a big kiss on the cheek.

"Aww Jun Min I missed you too! When I put you down I want you to go get your things because we have to go. There's takeout in the car."

  Kyungsoo puts Jun Min down and Jun Min goes into his toom to get his things. Jongin walks back up to Kyungsoo and thinks about his choice of words. He hasn't spoken a word to Kyungsoo for awhile and he doesn't know how Kyungsoo will react. Kyungsoo is staring closely at the puzzle.

"He's really smart...I couldn't believe how much progress he made on that puzzle," Jongin says. 

"It's because he inherited his intelligence from you," Kyungsoo replies without taking his eyes off the puzzle. 

That statement makes Jongin start thinking...and when Kyungsoo and Jun Min leave Jongin feels all alone again. He doesn't even continue on with the puzzle, instead he goes to bed.

A/N*: Okay things are moving along okay I guess. Not as fast as before and it's not drastically slow. Jongin is still uncomfortable around both Jun Min and Kyungsoo and it's going to be like that for the whole Kim family. Jongin and Kyungsoo just had their first civilized conversation (If I should call it that) after that argument and Jun Min and Jongin now have a project they will be working on together, if Kyungsoo allows it.