September 9th, 2012

Dear Ilji,

       I don't know where to start off with this entry because everything has been crazy these past couple of hours. I just got back to uncle Baek's house after all that's happened and it's really late. I shouldn't even be writing in you right now but I feel it's important that I do before I try to go to sleep, though it's going to be hard because so much is on my mind (and I'm only using one arm). I'm confused...very confused. When I went home to get my work books I found my dad on the floor and I thought he was dead. He was barely breathing and I panicked. I don't know what came over me but I ended up screaming and I started crying. I started crying over my dad. Even after all the times I wished for him to die, it just didn't feel right to see him like that. That's what's confusing me...why did I cry? I don't like him at all but I still felt weird when I saw him laying lifeless on the ground. Even if I hate him for a hundred more years (which I'm pretty sure I will) I don't ever want to see him like that again. It's really complicated.

   After uncle Channie called the ambulance we had to wait for them to come and it was really scary. Uncle Channie couldn't let go of my dad's wrist because he had to keep track of my dad's pulse. At one point I thought he was going to drop my dad's hand and say we lost him forever. I completely forgot about my workbooks and waited with uncle Channie to make sure that my dad was okay.  Altogether it took the ambulance people ten minutes to get to our house. 

  One of the emergency men, his name was Jeongsuk, asked  me if I wanted to ride in the ambulance car or if I wanted to follow behind with uncle Channie. I was about to shake my head but something urged me to nod. Jeongsuk was lost at first and asked what I meant with the nod until uncle Channie said that I didn't talk. Jeongsuk ruffled my hair and asked me the same question. I looked at uncle Channie to see if I could go and he nodded at me. I pointed to the ambulance and Jeongsuk helped me quickly get into the back of the car. Uncle Channie said he'd meet us there as quick as possible.

    My dad was laying on a gurney still barely conscious as we rushed to the hospital. The booms of the thunder mixed with the loud sirens and I thought I was going to be deaf. I think I would have been better off in uncle Channie's car. But as I said before there was something telling me that I should stay with my dad no matter how much I didn't want to.

  He was pale; The more I stared the paler he got. One of the other guys started attatching the oxygen mask on my dad as the truck raced through traffic. Although I could not see where we were going from the back of the truck, I knew we were flying through traffic. I wondered if uncle Channie was able to keep up. I looked back at my dad and his hair was soaked with sweat and his lips looked really dry through the mask. It kind of grossed me out and made me mad. How did he get like that? What did he do to get himself like that?

  I was about to hold his hand before realizing that that was too much. He hurt my daddy, he's still a monster no matter how weak he was. The truck stopped and more nurses opened the door and guided the gurney my dad was in out the truck and into the hospital.  Jeongsuk picked me helped me out of the truck without hurting my sperated shoulder. He told me I was a good son my dad must be very proud of.

If only he knew.

Uncle Channie came rushing to me and Jeongsuk a minute after. He didn't have his umbrella and he was extremely wet from the rain. He told me to go in the hospital so neither of us would catch a cold. 

     I've only been to my daddy's job a few times. Only when my migraines got really bad or when I got extremely sick, that was the only time I stepped foot in the hospital. The waiting room we were in was unfamilair, it was probably a different section. I was used to toys and happy stickers posted on the walls. When my daddy told me about where he worked at he said he worked in a part where there were only kids. He said that kids came when they got really sick and needed care. The room I was in was different, I didn't see any kids, and the walls were bare. There were only adults that looked really ill. Some were groaning and others looked like they were about to throw up in a second. The rest were people who looked to be in a lot of pain. I don't ever want to go back to that part of the hospital again.

    Uncle Channie said that it's usually not crowded in the emergency room on Monday's and then my daddy came out from a room with towels and said it was a busy night. He handed uncle Channie a towel and told him to dry off before he came to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. My daddy attempted to hug me but I didn't want him to get his scrubs wet and he tried to hug the hurt side of my body. His ears were red and I already knew he was upset. His ears get red whenever he's truly upset. Like whenever him and my dad get into a really bad argument his ears will turn bloodshot red. Last night they were even redder than that.

      My dad and uncle Channie were talking for a bit while I waited. The towel I was wrapped in got really warm and I was about to fall asleep even on the uncomfortable plastic chair but then a nurse came in. I got a little mad by it but stood up with my uncle and my daddy. The nurse told them something about my dad to my daddy and how he was okay. Something in my stomach felt like it had been lifted and I wasn't sure of the feeling. 

  The next thing happened so fast. I thought I was walking on air as we went to my dad's room in the hospital. He was awake and a few nurses were doing tests on him. I stayed huddled in a corner and watched everything. When they left that's when my daddy started yelling. He was so mad and it was so scary to see him so angry. My eyes were really really big and my dad didn't say anything back. He just ignored all the words coming from my daddy. Uncle Channie took me out of the room and told me I shouldn't be in there to listen because I was too young. 

  Everything after that was a blur...I felt like a burden to my uncle because he looked so tired once we got home. If I didn't forget my work books he wouldn't have been so tired, but I think my dad would have died. Only me and uncle Channie returned back to his house because my daddy had to take my dad home. Uncle Baek was anxious to hear about what happened but uncle Channie was too sleepy to answer. He walked to their room and collapsed on the bed. I went up to him and wrote sorry on my notepad and he ruffled my hair, he told me that I was a good nephew.

Now I'm in bed next to Hyun Seo. He's in a deep sleep and I'm going to tell him what happened when he wakes up. I told you I had a lot to write tonight...Goodnight Ilji. I will talk to you soon.

  Jun Min closes his journal and puts it on Hyun Seo's night stand. He attempts to get comfortable in the shared bed but Hyun Seo starts hogging the blanket. Jun Min lets out a sigh and taps Hyun Seo more than once to wake the older up, but he had no luck. Hyun Seo ended up wrapping himself up in the blankets even more and inching over to the wall. Jun Min lays down on his back with a pout because he needs a blanket to go to sleep.

 The down pour earlier has eased up and is only light rain. The thundering has also stopped and Jun Min is not scared anymore, he's just cold now. As he lays on his back he begins to hear something. Kyungsoo and Baekhyun are in the other room conversing a little too loudly. It's only muffles to Jun Min when he's on the bed but once he gets up and cracks open the door he can hear their conversation completely.

"Kyungsoo you've had a long night it's time to get some rest," Baekhyun says while stirring his midnight coffee. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo are seated at the table in the kitchen. Kyungsoo has coffee as well but he quickly downs the hot beverage beforerubbing his temples. He let's out a sigh of frustration before looking at Baekhyun.

"I can't rest yet. Jongin is at home and I have to make sure that he stays sober for the next few weeks," Kyungsoo replies. Baekhyun takes a long sip of his coffee before putting the cup back down on the table. 

"Why?"

"Well one of the doctors suggested that Jongin go to a rehabilitation center for chronic drinkers. I did not want to mention his drinking problem but I had to answer honestly when the doctor asked...but anyways, I told them that the rehab center wasn't necessary because Jongin has work to focus on and he would be able to stay sober for awhile. They believed me but said once he started drinking again it'd be best that he goes to rehab...and therapy."

"What you really need to do is stop worrying about him. He's trash and you need to dispose of him," Baekhyun says before taking another swig of his beverage. Not even the sweet taste of french vanilla sweetener could take his mind off of how frustrated he is with Kyungsoo. 

"He almost died today Baekhyun. If Chanyeol hadn't found him, he would have been dead," Kyungsoo strings his fingers through his hair. He gets teary eyed just thinking about it. "If he were to have died I would have never forgiven myself."

"You act like it's your fault. He's the one that's killing himself with alcohol. If he died, it would have been his fault because he drank," Baekhyun puts emphasis on a few words.

"If only you knew," Kyungsoo stares at Baekhyun blankly for a few seconds before standing up to clean his empty cup. Baekhyun remains seated and continues to drink his coffee. He's completely done with trying to persuade Kyungsoo that Jongin is horrible and needs to be left. It's obvious that Jongin doesn't want anything to do with Kyungsoo or Jun Min and Kyungsoo shouldn't latch on to Jongin like he does, it's pathetic. It's a huge mystery to Baekhyun, the whole Kim family story, what really happened to make them get the way they did. Baekhyun only knew bits and pieces and it was hard to construct a conclusion when all the puzzle pieces were small and with more than a few pieces missing. He's only left with claims he's too scared to confirm with Kyungsoo. "I have to go back to the house and check on Jongin. I will be back in the morning to send the kids off to school. If Jun Min wakes up in the middle of the night--"

"I know I know. Ask if he has a headache and give him his medicine if he does, We've been over this almost a dozen times. Please be safe," Baekhyun gets up and hugs Kyungsoo. Once Baekhyun lets go Kyungsoo waves and gets a few things. Then he grabs an umbrella and walks out the front door. Jun Min thinks that Baekhyun went in the other room so he walks slowly to the front window to make sure his dad makes it to his care safely. As Jun Min watches out the window Baekhyun sneaks up on him and starts tickling his stomach. "Come on kiddo it's time for bed."

   Baekhyun guides Jun Min back to Hyun Seo's room. When Baekhyun enters Hyun Seo's room he see's Hyun Seo balled up in the navy blue blanket fast asleep.

"No wonder you couldn't go to sleep. Mr. Selfish is at it again," Baekhyun whispers. Jun Min gives a small smile before Baekhyun lays him down on the bed. Baekhyun tells Jun Min to wait a moment while he gets something. Jun Min does as he's told and waits for Baekhyun to come back. Hyun Seo's snoring gets even louder as he waits.

"Just like Chanyeol," Baekhyun remarks when he enters the room with a fuzzy looking blanket and some medicine. Chanyeol is in the other room snoring really loudly and anyone can hear him if they're quiet enough. Baekhyun drapes the blanket over Jun Min and makes sure that the young one is fully comfortable . The blanket is so warm that Jun Min starts smiling as he snuggles into it. "It's soft isn't it? It's one of Chang Seo's blankets, he doesn't mind you using it. Also I know you didn't take your medicine yet. I'm sorry to ruin your comfort but you have to take this stuff."

Jun Min lets out a small whine.

"It's so the boo-boo's on your tummy and arm can feel better. I already know both are very sore,right?" Baekhyun clarifies and Jun Min nods his head. Jun Min has been attempting to ignore the pain in his stomach and shoulder the past two days but the pain gets worse. Though the moon light is shining through the window and lighting up the room Jun Min still can't tell what the color of the liquid Baekhyun's pouring into the cup is. Baekhyun hands Jun Min the cup of medicine. Jun Min brings the cup to his nose to smell it and he ends up making a face. "If you drink the medicine I will buy you a pack of gummy bears tomorrow."

Jun Min downs the medicine instantly. It takes five seconds for the taste to kick in and that's when Jun Min starts making all types of faces. Baekhyun is about to laugh until he realizes that this wouldn't have happened if it weren't for Jongin.

Baekhyun peers out the window for a little while, deep in thought as he sits at the end of Hyun Seo's bed. Jun Min watches Baekhyun closely and wonders what exactly is on his mind. After a couple of minutes Baekhyun turns his head back in Jun Min's direction and gives a small frown.

"Are you feeling alright?" He asks. 

Jun Min nods his head. Baekhyun bites his lower lip to think if what he's about to say is the right thing to say. Hyun Seo is still snoring as Baekhyun thinks to himself.

"Jun Min..." Baekhyun finally starts off. Jun Min raises his eyebrow and waits for Baekhyun to continue on. "I know it's really late and you really need your sleep but I just want you to know that I'm thankful for what you've done today."

"You might not understand half the things that go on because you're too young and innocent...but sometimes innocence can be the best way to approach situations without it being ignorance--I'm sorry I am about to start rambling," Baekhyun shakes his head and attempts to get back on track. "I know I am always saying that I don't like you're dad and I don't but I'm thankful that he's not dead. It's just unreal...he used to be one of my best friends and I never thought he'd become the way he is.  It's been five years since all of this has happened and I'm still so confused. I'm always telling your daddy to leave but he never does and I just want to know why. You two suffer so much and I hate seeing that!" Baekhyun gets teary eyed. He calms himself down by taking a few deep breaths since he doesn't want to wake anyone up, Hyun Seo is already stirring underneath his blanket. Jun Min scoots over to the older and side hugs Baekhyun. A few tears fall from Baekhyuns eyes as he hugs Jun Min back, still trying his hardest to remain as quiet as possible.

"You are such a strong kid and I wish you didn't have to go through all of this," Baekhyun whispers through sobs. Jun Min still continues to hug Baekhyun tightly. "I just want things to get better for you and Kyungsoo because it's so bad right now. It's like that time five years ago when everything went so wrong...that awful time. Please remain strong and never let anything get the best of you. You are a strong and intelligent boy and I have never seen someone your age so smart." Baekhyun kisses Jun Min's forehead. "And thanks for saving Jongin...things would have gotten a lot worse if he were to die. You might hate him as much as me but know that him being dead isn't something you would want."

  Baekhyun gives Jun Min one final squeeze before he pulls away from the hug. He gives Jun Min a small smile while wiping his tears away with his small thumb. Jun Min lays back down and gets comfortable once again. He closes his eyes and lets out a deep breath. 

"Goodnight," Baekhyun gets up and walks out the room, making sure to close the door so 'the boogyman won't come into the room' (orders from Hyun Seo).

 September 14th, 2012

Dear Ilji,

        I'm sorry it's been a few days since I've written in you but there was really nothing going on. I went to school, went back to uncle Baek's and played with Hyun Seo, did other things like video call my cousins in China, and repeated. Nothing really important to write down, I still have to wear the sling. I wanted to tell you about what uncle Baek had told me a few nights ago but it was the same as what I wrote in the previous entry, how I was glad that he didn't die. But what he told me did make me curious. What happened to my dad and daddy five years ago? From the video I watched at uncle Joonie's house there was proof that my dad was nice. But what happened? I always assumed that I did something to make my dad hate me and that's why he's always being mean to me.

     Since my dad left the hospital after he got sick my daddy hasn't been around a lot. I would only see him when he sent me and Hyun Seo to the bus and when he stopped by to tell me goodnight. I didn't like that at all, I felt lonely. I missed my daddy too much. He has to watch my dad and makes sure nothing happens to him...I don't want him to do that. I want him to stay with me. Yesterday I wrote him when he told me goodnight that I wanted him to not go to my dad tomorrow and he told me he couldn't do that. I got really sad before he told me he had an idea.

    I'm in my house right now and it feels different because I'm only visiting. I guess I got used to uncle Baek's house. My daddy brought me over for the day so we could be together and so he could watch my dad. I'm fine with it but it feels really weird. I'm sitting on the couch now writing in you and watching a little tv. My daddy is in the living room writing something down and I think my dad is in his room. He's only come out a few times and that was to take medicine or go potty. He's been extremely quiet...even more quiet than before. I guess it's because he hasn't had any grown up juice. He is a little slow now too, he does everything so slow, like he's really sad.

  I've been trying not to pay attention but it's hard when I know something is not right and it keeps happening. This entire day my daddy's ears have been red and I think he's really mad. I don't know what about but he's not happy.

   Jun Min arubtly closes his book when he hears a cabinet door slam. He turns around on the couch to see Kyungsoo in the kitchen mumbling to himself and loudly getting supplies from their respective cabinets. Out of fear Jun Min runs to his room and pulls out a book for him to read. That's Jun Min's way of tuning out from the world.

  Jongin comes out of the room and walks into the kitchen to get something to drink. His glare remains strong as he makes his way into the kitchen and see's Kyungsoo angrily cooking something. Jongin could care less about Kyungsoo being angry, Jongin believed Kyungsoo didn't have the right to be.

"Do you want something to eat Jongin?" Kyungsoo asks while cleaning lettuce in the sink. It's not in a nice tone when he says it. Jongin rolls his eyes and continues to get his water bottle from the fridge, he wishes it were vodka. "I am so sick and tired of you."

Jongin takes a long swig of the water and looks closely at the refridgerator though there's nothing on it, only making Kyungsoo angrier.

"Why do you keep ignoring me? When you were drunk on alcohol you never had a problem beating around the bush and saying hurtful things but now you're all sobered up and you decide you don't want to talk at all. You should be atleast a little grateful that you didn't die from alcohol poisoning..." Kyungsoo says. Jongin's attention immediately snaps ontp Kyungsoo and his jaw tightens.

"I should be grateful?" Jongin breaks his silence. "I should be grateful? I wish I did die so I wouldn't have to see you or Jun Min again. Why couldn't you have stayed in China when you left! Maybe I would have been better off...but I had to be an idiot and let you come back to live here after all your petty begging and pleading."

"I was hurt Jongin...I couldn't stay there and let the memories continue on, I can barely take it now! I know you're mad at me but why Jun Min?! He did nothing to you yet you do all these harsh things to him! Do you know how painful it was to see him all bruised up just because you can't keep your hands to yourself? Do you know what he goes through when he watches you kill yourself with alcohol? Do you know how he feels when you do the things you do?! Jun Min still has a sling on his arm because your aggresive drunk decided decided thst seperating a child's shoulder was a great idea!"

"I don't care about how he feels and he did do something to me. He decided to look just like you!" Jongin screams out, crushing his water bottle in the process. "Whenever I see him I see you and I wonder if what you did before happened with him too and he's really not mine. I get so angry when I see both of you but when I see him it's even worse. I can barely take it! Right now I wish I had something alcoholic in my hand right now so I can try to forget. My whole purpose for drinking was to forget everything. To forget my stress, to forget that you cheated on me, to forget that you got pregnant with someone elses child, to forget that I have a son...if I should call him that. I drank to forget but it never worked, it only made me angrier. So I drank more and more until I attempted to forget but it never worked." Jongin goes on and his eyes are glossy as he explains. Kyungsoo has been standing there with tears in his eyes but he refuses to let them fall. "Why did you do that? I was working hard for our family's future and you slept around."

"How many times do I have to say I'm sorry for you to forgive me? It was a mistake that I can't take back no matter how many stars I wish on. I just want our son to be happy, I want us to be happy again," Kyungsoo says.

"We will never be happy together again Kyungsoo...it's never going to happen," Jongin spits out.

"Why are you playing the victim card? You are in the wrong too because you were no saint in this situation either. You still hurt both me and Jun Min! You weren't the innocent one."

"Gluttony is not as severe as adultery,"Jongin is about to say something else but he closes his mouth, turns back around, and heads back to his room. Kyungsoo lets out a long sigh and he tries his best to keep the tears from falling. There is still so much to say but it never got said. Their argument got cut off short but Kyungsoo knows it will eventually come up again, it always does. He shuts off the sink water before heading to Jun Min's room. He's sure his son heard the argument and needed someone to talk to.

 A/N*: The argument was supposed to be longer but I completely forgot what I was going to write. I made Jongin seem like he was the victim and I don't know that made me angry because it's like yo Jongin you ed up just as bad. This whole situation is based off of misunderstandings and secrets Kyungsoo won't reveal. Anyways the main argument has just occured and things won't be as heavy as before. They both didn't beat around the bush and said what they wanted to say, though it was cut short. Thank you so much for reading.

Also let us have a moment of silence for RiSe and her friends and family. May she rest in peace