Review for That one nerd

Title: [7/10]

Good news! I google searched (probably not 100% accurate though) and your title ‘That one nerd’ is all yours. However, there are a lot of...similar titles like ‘Nerdy Love’ and ‘I’m a NERD, but he Loves Me’ and stuff like that. Honestly out of all those, I’d probably click on yours. Because, MAD props for not using ‘love’ and ‘nerd’ in the same sentence. Your title gives off a more genuine vibe, like that person really is a nerd and not some ulzzang wearing glasses.

Here’s a small tip. You don’t have to accept it because everyone sees things differently and we might not agree on this. If that’s the case, the writer should always choose what he/she wants to do with her own work! Okay, here goes: personally, I think you should capitalize the ‘O’ and the ‘N’. It might not sound like a big deal but the title is the most important front to your story. A nice poster is great and all but before a person gets to see that, they have to actually click on your story. The rules for capitalizing titles say that you have to capitalize the first letter in every word. The exception is that if the word is like ‘to’ or ‘at’, and the exception to that exception is that if the word ‘to’, ‘at’, etc. are the first or last word in the title. So technically, the ‘O’ and ‘N’ must be capitalized. Some writers can wave off these kinds of rules but when you’re trying to make a good first impression...I wouldn’t recommend that! Anyway, 7 points because it was still fairly unique, definitely relevant, and it caught my eye! I would click on it!

Description and Foreword: [7/10]

Mistakes to correct:

Description:

Theres to There’s or There is

**Make sure you keep it all in one tense. If you’re going to keep it all in present tense, change ‘every time you tried to talk...’ to ‘every time you try to talk...’

The present tense can be a real challenge. It’s only natural for people to write in past so your brain’s going to want to keep switching into past because it is what it is used to reading! , huh? That’s okay! If you’re only doing this for the description/foreword, that’s totally okay. I see people’s stories have descriptions in present tense. But remember to keep it consistent or it will make your writing look unattractive.

‘That make’ to ‘This makes’... the word ‘this’ is better to use when referring to present situations.

Instead of ‘kinda’, change it to ‘kind of’. Even if it is a rom-com, you’re writing in second-person, right? With second-person perspectives, you basically get people that like it and don’t. I don’t dislike it but I really respect writers who can pull this off. You’re doing so great and you don’t even realize how much of a challenge it really is. Anyway, I don’t write in second-person but I found a good site that can give you a bunch of tips!

http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/first-second-and-third-person

I don’t know what AFF expects out of forewords because those are basically where more famous writers write about their relationship to the story’s writer. So basically, people who like that famous writer will want to read the story. Obviously that doesn’t really apply to AFF so forewords are kind of where you spaz and put anything you want. However, instead of just a message, I recommend putting maybe pictures of your characters (don’t describe them all out too much but maybe pictures and names would be nice).

Either your description or your foreword needs to leave the reader hanging. I recommend changing your description from a block paragraph to maybe sentences with space separating them.

There’s this annoying nerd that sits next to you in class.

His name is Lee Gi Kwang - though barely anyone knows that.   

He is a very quiet boy but slightly mysterious as well...

Every time you try to talk to him, he avoids eye contact with you.

How annoying! This pisses you off! You can’t help but hate him.  Until one day, the unimaginable happens... and since that day everything that you ever thought about him changes.

From hate to love.

From strangers to lovers.

I like that you used the word ‘introvert’. I think that’s a professional-sounding word, and you should definitely use it later. However, every word has connotations. Connotations are, to seriously paraphrase (ahahaha), the emotions that the word can elicit out of its readers. The word introvert makes the reader feel like, “Oh that person is just inherently shy. That’s okay, there are a lot of introverts. I should be understanding.” You don’t want the reader to be understanding towards Gikwang, right? You want the reader to be like “WTF, TALK DAMMIT.” So maybe we can reserve ‘introvert’ for later use.

Also, you might want to lessen the ‘hate’ a tad bit. Or maybe make Gikwang do something really despicable to the main character. Something she can’t ever forgive ( I know it’s second person but I’m going to say main character since you’re the author and I’m talking to you xD ) like I don’t know, blowing up the science experiment. If the main character is preppy and she wants everything to be perfect. Something like that. It might be a little mean to hate someone just because they don’t want to talk to you when you already know that person is shy and doesn’t like to talk to people in general, right? I don’t know, sorry if I’m being too judgemental!

Plot: [18/20]

It’s refreshing to see that the idol/guy is the one that’s the nerd. Usually, it’s the other way around and that’s super old. I also really like that this guy isn’t rich! OH MY GOD. YOUR STORY IS LIKE IDK LEMONADE, what a break from the predictable, like for real.

Flow: [10/15]

I think that you could work on the flow a little bit. Most of the story was in block paragraphs. I suggest that you space when there is dialogue. It’s good that you embed your quotes into the writing - I do that too - but don’t over do it or else, the story doesn’t flow well.

Another thing that disrupted the flow is how you went from one writing style to another. The biggest improvement you can make to your story right now is to not use colons to introduce a quote. Look at chapter 10. It looks REALLY good! I feel like I want to read it. However, there are a lot of other chapters where you used colons to introduce dialogue and that’s not gonna fly. You want to make your story look as professional as possible. A real book wouldn’t do:

Gikwang: Ok

but something like...

He was reluctant at first, his eyes flashing from his left to his right, but eventually gave in, “Okay...”

I mean that’s just an example, but when you’re writing, you want to paint a picture. It’s not enough to tell your readers what the person is saying but you have to include his facial expressions, the feelings that person has at that particular moment. I mean, don’t just focus on the face either. I say this because THAT is my number one flaw D:< Here’s a big tip: focus on other body parts that aren’t so predictable. Maybe his finger twitches or his temple throbs (that’s like the side of your forehead). Use imagery like that to express whole emotions. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then paint a picture for your readers. But, because you can’t draw a (decent) picture with text, use words as code. I love the dialogue, I do, but fix how you present it. Use quotation marks! “Befriend those quotation marks, they’re affable creatures, really.” AND remember to show off your writing skills through imagery! I know what a good writer you are because I fell in love with that chapter where ‘you’ and ‘your’ friend went to his house and his mother started blabbering off about how ‘you’ two were the first to visit and so on. I really loved it and I think you should continue on that writing style! Just look at chapter 15. WHAT A BEAUTY. Stick to that, and your story will get 8000% more awesomer, NO LIE.

Characterization: [15/15]

Can’t describe it. Awesome job! I love the characters’ unpredictability. Your plan is to make them dynamic characters (I can see it) and change throughout the story. PERFECTO. That’s the key to getting full marks. Make them change or make them do things that are a little out of character. Your characters are people, not stick figures. You and I don’t act the same exact way 100% of the time, and neither should your characters. Not that they should have mood swings, that’d be annoying to read - keep up the good work!

Mechanics: [17/20]

There are a few reasons I had to dock a point...but mostly, it’s not a big deal. I already talked to you about why you shouldn’t use colons and stuff but I’m disregarding that. You have a lot of potential ESPECIALLY in this area. Here’s a site to brush up your knowledge. http://www.time4writing.com/writing-mechanics/

Appearance: [9/10]

It looks really...clean, I guess. Organized. It makes me want to read it! However, the colon thing - it’s still throwing me off xD - needs some work. It doesn’t match up with the potential this story has!

Bonus: [5/5]

It was a joy to read! Thank you so much for letting me review it -I enjoyed it so much! You didn’t quite make it to the feature on our shop but I loved it so much, I want to feature it on my story! Is that okay? Tell me when you pick this up!!!

Final Score: 88%

So close to an A!! Fix up your story a little and follow the tips I laid out for you! Please feel proud of your grade; I couldn’t get a score this high even I was grading myself! When you feel like you've perfected your story, come back! I'd love to regrade your work and get you featured.