The Immortal Rules by RKP_Yoshi 

Reviewed by ScreamingMidget

♦Title → (10/10 pts)

Wow! I love this title. I read the story completely through-and-through and - this is probably the first time I’m saying this in a review because I always try to help give suggestions - I could not think of a single title better than the one you gave it. The Immortal Rules gives it a bold, fantasy type of feel. Remember that although all writing is just communication, the type of writing that you’re doing definitely hopes to do more than just communicate, right? Writing is the art of creating desired effects. Your title is a great step to creating the effect you were going for. Great job!

♦ First Impressions → (9/15 pts)

What you want to keep in mind are those ambiguous nouns. In your description, you wrote:

"Lee Jinki survives in the Strand, the outermost circle of a vampire city. By day, he and his group scavenge for food. By night, anyone of them could be eaten. Some days, all that drives Jinki is his hatred of them. The vampires who keep humans as blood cattle . Until the day Jinki himself is attacked - and is given the ultimate choice: die.... Or become of the monsters."

In the fourth sentence, I immediately assumed it was the same ‘them’ from the third sentence. I realized you were talking about vampires immediately after reading the fifth. However, I had an image in my head that he disliked his group. Even though you countered that, the way we want to write should only give a continuous flow of understanding to the readers. I mean, this is a really simple case, and don’t get me wrong, you’re one of my favorite writers on here now. But I want to explain that the ultimate way we earn readers is by serving them and satisfying their needs. Here on AFF, you get a larger variation of readers than some people do in the real world. As in, AFF is free whereas books are not and that’s one limiting factor. Add on the fact that people can judge more by covers than they can here, what kind of people read certain books, etc. and you’ll see that you’re actually serving a really diverse population. The best way to satisfy your readers is to keep them from getting confused even if it’s just by a tad. The only thing that this awesome description lacked is your reread. You’ll learn to pick up on things like that.

It doesn’t need to be rewritten, just rearranged. Have you taken standardized tests where they ask you: “what sentence should sentence 12 be switched with for clarity?” Well, that’s basically the same concept. I assumed that since Jinki was living on the outskirts of a vampire city, that he was a vampire too. So, let’s rearrange some sentences (I made some crap up but it’s just for a demo so I hope that’s okay):

Original:

Lee Jinki survives in the Strand, the outermost circle of a vampire city. By day, he and his group scavenge for food. By night, anyone of them could be eaten. Some days, all that drives Jinki is his hatred of them. The vampires who keep humans as blood cattle . Until the day Jinki himself is attacked - and is given the ultimate choice: die.... Or become of the monsters.

Rewrite:

Lee Jinki, one of the last human survivors, lives in the Strand. The Strand. It’s the outermost scrap of land of a vampire city, hosting Jinki and his group as they scavenge for food during the day. By night, any one of them could be marked as prey. There are times when all that drives Jinki is his hatred for the vampires. The vampires who keep humans as blood cattle - that is, until Jinki himself is attacked, and given an ultimatum: die...or become one of the monsters.

Be careful with your diction. Even if it does sound better to say things a certain way, you need to use words that accurately suit the image you have in your head in the most accurate way possible. Also, always remember: never use more than two words when you can use one. Instead of ‘the ultimate choice’, use ‘an ultimatum’. Fewer words make the piece sound more confident.

I like how you used your foreword, especially since you gave so much input for the description. This really balances it out.

Appearance-wise, it is rather bland but I won’t deduct any points for that. I see that you’re on a hiatus and you might have requested for a poster already. If you haven’t, however, make sure you do something even if it’s just a simple picture as main.

♦ Language → (14/15 pts)

For the most part, your language skills are 100% awesome. You definitely know all the grammar rules...you just need to keep in mind that you should reread and edit before you post. But other than that, the only advice I have for you is from Writing with Style by John R. Trimble:

Use confident language - vigorous verbs, strong nouns, and assertive phrasing.

I thought this especially applied to your story because of its theme and such. I hope you can continue to do excellent!

        ♦ Flow and Consistency → (13/15 pts)

I subtracted two points because, really, it was way too long for a first chapter. What I'm thinking here is that you had this as a 'part one' so you wanted all of the 'human stuff' on this one chapter. It was kind of straining to the eyes and I'm worried that a reader might give up because of their attention span. Which makes me sound so mean xD. What I mean to say is, watching three episodes of a drama is entirely different from watching a three-hour movie despite them being the same length. A man can't see a 300 lb woman as the same as three 100 lb women despite them being the same weight. Likewise, your chapter would have been approached completely differently by most people if it were two, three, or four separate chapters instead of just one.

♦ Storyline → (15/15 pts)

Your storyline was definitely impressive. I’m not basiing  this on originality, but how well yuou execute it throughout the story. Judging by how far you have gotten, I think you  have - and are - doing a fabulous job.

♦ Characters → (15/15 pts)

Your characters are one of my favorite elements to this story. They are definitely believable and a have a realistic touch to them., This is especially evident through the way they talk and epxpress themselves. Awesome! I also love the way you describe them. Take Taemin for example. It was just a sentence or two - perfect. Ugh. I love you. So much.

♦ Entertainment → (10/10 pts)

Total: 83/100 I think. I can't do math.

Reviewed by ScreamingMidget

PM ScreamingMidget for any additional questions/add-ons to the review/etc. Additional material may be managed by ScreamingMidget instead of original reviewer unless ScreamingMidget is the original reviewer in which case this whole statement is redundant and unnecessary. 

Leave a comment below indicating you have seen this review.