⌚ ⌚ ☁ ⌚ ⌚

 

"Have you remembered yet? How you died?" Scarlett twirled the straw around in her green bubble tea and gazed at the entrance of the cafe.

 

Yixing nodded, tapping his fingers against the table top, the light drumming reminding him of the rain from yesterday.

 

"Do you mind telling me?"

 

"I don't think I want to." Yixing answered. His steady tapping still provided a background tempo to the conversation.

 

"Why?"

 

"I don't want to pity myself."

 

"You don't have to pity yourself. Just tell a story."

 

His fingers paused. Yixing stared at the crumbs dotting the surface of the table, his mind rushing to recall all those emotions he'd felt years ago.

 

"I... was a pretty good student. I'd always been near the top of my class. My parents were proud of me. But they always expected more. I was where I was because I tried my best but people still expected more. They expected first place but there was always someone better. In academics, my sunbae, Yifan, was first. In sports, there was ZiTao. In singing, LuHan. I thought I could be the best in guitar but then I moved to Korea and my doongsaeng, Chanyeol, who had started his lessons later, surpassed me. Everybody's expectations were rising and I was pressured with no means of meeting them. I felt like I was on a set of oiled, greased up stairs where the top was everyone's satisfaction in me and the bottom was the expectation. The top kept getting higher, and the bottom kept getting closer, and I was slipping further down. I suppose you could call it an inferiority complex. I know they only wanted the best for me but it was too much for me and the bottom gave way. I crashed through and ended up here.

 

"It was pretty maddening. Lying awake late at night, I'd berate myself for not being good enough. I just wanted them to be happy. I wanted them to be satisfied. I know it was out of love, but some love isn't necessary. It's a virus that twists itself out of proportion and disguises itself behind the image we've set for it as being the faultless, romantic feeling everyone hopes for. But like a disease, there are different kinds of love, and some are bad. They're painful. Love is just another word for a blind shot. Some hit the target, others miss and are eliminated by the opponent."

 

"Have you ever loved someone?" Scarlett asked. She didn't look at him.

 

"I've loved, but I haven't been in love."

 

"I think you're just unlucky." Scarlett turned her head to smile up at him. "I don't think love is a blind shot. I think it's a double faced coin and you're just an unlucky gambler."

 

"I don't take bets." Yixing remarked.

 

"Nobody takes a bet realizing it. It's just a part of life. You stopped living because you got tired of losing the game and predicted the end of it without seeing it through. You should always finish a game before declaring yourself the loser. You're just giving the opponent the win. Like, rather than a blind shot, you never pulled the trigger to begin with. You'll never know if you could have hit the target because you gave up. That's why I wanted to make you live again, Yixing. I wanted to help you start taking the shot again." She pulled her lips up into a grin, showcasing her bright teeth.

 

"I don't think you're in high school." Yixing shook his head and frowned. "Nobody should be that intuitive."

 

"I'm no more intuitive than the next person. You're just easy to read."

 

"I take offense to that."

 

"No, you don't." Scarlett gave him another smile before standing up. "I have an appointment today. I'll see you around, Yixing."

 

He scoffed and watched her skip out the front door.

 

Tomorrow, maybe he'd play the guitar.

 

。。。

 

 

The next day, Yixing waited at the cafe but Scarlett didn't appear before him. 

 

An unfamiliar emotion welled in his heart as the minutes ticked by and no fire sprung up inside the cafe. 

 

Thoughts whirled around in his head and he cursed himself for telling her about his past the day before. She no longer wanted to hang out with him now that she'd figured out he was just a big self pity party.

 

Yixing stood up from his stool and stalked out of the cafe. His mood was worsened at the sight of the bright sun that had finally decided to appear on the day he felt the emptiest. 

 

He had even forgotten to leave a tip on the table.

 

His feet took over his brain and soon he was walking down the all too familiar sidewalk that he was sure probably had his shoes' soles embedded into the cracked, yellow surface somewhere.

 

Weeds hung off the edge in dry tangles, missing the constant rain. 

 

People pushed past him but he didn't watch them like he usually did. 

 

It had been a few weeks since Scarlett made the deal with him and there was still two months before the year ended. Maybe she had finally given up.

 

A line of black cars drove past him solemnly, reflecting his temper.

 

When his feet finally stopped, he looked up, only to find himself staring through windows spotted with dirt. Black satin with figurines waved at him.

 

He sighed but entered the toy shop.

 

That old sock monkey was still there on the counter when he checked, but today, the puppet's face didn't hold the depression he'd seen when he first visited the shop.

 

When he was about to leave, he almost tripped over a short, old man.

 

"I'm sorry." Yixing bowed and the man smiled.

 

"You must be Yixing." The man nodded to himself. His eyes had shrunk with age and Yixing wasn't sure if they were open or closed. Liver spots dotted the man's leathery arms and a few wispy silver hairs dusted his otherwise bald scalp. The man only came up to Yixing's shoulder and he looked frail with his knotted cane. 

 

"Excuse me?" 

 

"Jia Li told me about a handsome, lifeless boy." The man smiled, revealing a line of chipped, yellowing teeth.

 

"Ex-Excuse me?" Yixing raised an eyebrow, disbelief overcoming his features.

 

"Are you here for Jia Li? She's taking her tests today. But she said she will be back in a few days." 

 

Yixing immediately felt dumb. 

 

Scarlett hadn't abandoned him.

 

She hadn't been scared off or gotten disgusted with him.

 

She was just taking tests.

 

"Oh... Oh. I... came to see Kyung." Yixing said dumbly.

 

Immediately, the little old man's face dropped. Lines etched themselves onto his forehead when he looked up again. "That dog died of heart disease yesterday. Took her to the vet. The lady said it was a miracle she had lasted as long as she did." 

 

Yixing's jaw slackened and he swallowed forcibly. 

 

"Ah... yes. Ok." He choked out. "I- I have to go." He hurried out of the shop, past the sneering monkey and sprinted towards the university.

 

They carded him before he was allowed into the gym and he almost laughed out loud. 

 

The familiar sight of gleaming mirrors greeted him when he stormed into the dance studio.

 

For the first time since he'd joined the gym, however, another person whirled around, shocked with the sudden appearance.

 

He was young looking, probably a freshman. His skin was darker than average but it suited his large, brown, puppy eyes. Dark, fluffy hair reminded him of the dog he'd just tried to visit.

 

"Hi," The stranger smiled warmly, and a set of perfect teeth gleamed brightly.

 

"Uh... Hello." Yixing's eyebrows crinkled together.

 

"I'm Kim Jongin. I just enrolled. I didn't think anyone else used this practice room." The bright smile never left his face and Yixing felt sick.

 

"Neither did I?" It sounded like a question.

 

"Do you like dancing too? It's what I'm majoring in."

 

Yixing nodded dumbly.

 

"What's your name?" Jongin walked closer, continuing the conversation.

 

"Yixing. Zhang Yixing." He replied, looking around the studio as if it had suddenly turned into some foreign place.

 

"Cool, you're Chinese? Is it alright if I call you Hyung, though? You're older than me, aren't you?" Jongin bent down to tie his laces that had loosened.

 

"Sure..." Yixing felt strange. There were too many emotions flying at him at once. 

 

"I guess we'll be seeing each other pretty often here. Anyways, I was just leaving so the studio is all yours." Jongin gave him one more bright smile before exiting the practice room.

 

Today, the white walls, plastered with different flyers and posters for clubs looked different. The glossed, wooden floor panels were streaked with unfamiliar sneaker marks. Even the reflection in the mirror looked foreign.

 

Yixing stepped closer to the shiny surface.

 

He looked strange. Different. His hair had grown longer since the last time he studied himself and his bangs flopped into his eyes almost happily. His skin looked darker too, from his frequent excursions outside, thanks to Scarlett. But the strangest thing to Yixing were his eyes. They no longer held the dull, lifeless color they had before. In fact, they appeared almost wild with the emotions hitting him.

 

Yixing bolted from the dance studio and down the path to his apartment. He didn't bother waiting at the bus stop. He just knew there would be a different driver today.

 

When he was panting, and out of breath after running up the flight of stairs to his floor, he was greeted with a stranger's face.

 

"Oh, hello." The woman smiled at him. "We just moved in. You must be the neighbor." 

 

A little girl clung to the woman's skirt, staring up at Yixing with questioning eyes. 

 

"I'm Mrs. Kang. My husband is downstairs getting some more boxes but he'll introduce himself later. It was nice meeting you..."

 

"Yixing." Yixing choked out. "Zhang Yixing."

 

"What a lovely name." The woman clasped her hands together. "Well, it was nice to meet you, Yixing-ssi. Come on, Minyoung. Let's go inside." She ushered the little girl into the apartment and Yixing escaped into his own.

 

His heart was pounding and he was slightly convinced that Scarlett had something to do with everything that was happening. 

 

Nothing changed in his life. Not until she had come.