Breaking
Broken Puppet
He's scared.
His eyes skitter to the edges, as if the world is a canvas. Just a painting that he's trying to find imperfections in.
He's drowning.
In a pool of his own sadness. He's getting so lost in this sea that turns him into something bitter, and something he cannot recognize anymore.
He can't trust.
No one is who they seem to be. If they make a promise, they're going to break it someday. They act like they'll be there forever, but they're not. He makes himself believe this for his own sake.
He's hurting.
After all these years, nothing can make him smile. This plastic expression plastered on his face is etched on like a doll's. Used with the utmost care, with all the technicalities of a 'normal human smile' but he knows he means none of it.
He overthinks things.
Every little detail is apparent to him. Every thought is a bug that spreads poison like wildfire through his system. It paralyzes him from seeing the real world. Things just cave in on him. He only sees a world full of mistrust and disappointment. The poison sets in.
He's trying to communicate.
He wants someone to know that he's hurting. He wants someone to know that he's not ok. But he can't use words. Words will make his insecurities come to life. If he speaks his troubles, others will think less of him. What can he say anyway? What words are adequate enough to explain how he's imploding into nothingness because of his own lonesome ways?
He can't take it anymore.
Around his friends, he's a different person. He's all smiles and laughs, how can anyone see that's he's bleeding? How can anyone see that poison is seeping through his veins and leaking through his pores? How can anyone see that he's deteriorating into nothing? How can anyone save him?
Around his friends, he's not a broken Tao. He's not a bleeding Tao. He's not a lonely Tao. Or a drowning Tao. He's merely a puppet. Being pulled along by strings that cut into his wrists. Who is the puppet master? Who is keeping him animated anymore? Tao isn't sure of it himself. But all he knows is that he can't keep this up much longer. The strings are fraying. The material is tearing. He's broken. And there's no one who can fix him.
11 years earlier
"Kris gege!" Tao whines, his cheeks puffing out with such a red tinge that Kris can't help but to burst out laughing.
Tao's eyebrows furrow and he crosses his arms on his chest, obviously not amused.
"I'll tell you what, Tao. If you can be a good boy, I'll give you a reward tonight. Does that sound good?" Kris grins at the younger boy. Tao's eyes brighten but they are still skeptical and indecisive.
"But, gege, I want that panda toy!" Tao stares longingly through the shop window. Kris' deal in shreds. He really wants that panda toy, even Kris' surprise reward isn't going to sway him away from the toy.
"Look, your mom's coming out from the store." Kris decides to play a different angle. Though only a couple of years older than Tao, he's wise and knowledgeable for his age, knowing how to sway the small child better than anyone.
Tao goes running for his mother, probably to tell her about the panda.
Kris takes the oppurtunity to go inside the store. Acting quick, he grabs the soft plush from the window and brings it to the cash register. The man at the counter has a soft smile--wrinkled and fading at the edges, but it's one of the most genuine things Kris has seen in his life.
It ends up being more expensive than Kris believed it to be. Kris gives an uneasy face, counting and recounting the saved money in his palm. The old man watches him with the same warm smile.
"Sorry, I must have misread. The panda is only $10. Silly old me."
Kris looks up at the shop owner, too elated to wonder why the price had suddenly dropped so much. Kris paid the man with a huge grin and the man felt peaceful. What a difference a young boy can make.
"Where's Kris, Tao?" Tao's mother scans the street for her son's best friend. She can't find him anywhere.
"Mama," Tao whines, deciding he can forget his best friend for just a little bit, right? "I want to get the toy from the shop there!" Tao points at the small toy shop down the street.
His mom sighs and lets the boy lead her to the shop. She can spoil him once in a while, she decides.
Tao's eyes are wide when he peers through the window. The panda is no longer there.
"Tao, let's go, I have to work when we get home." His mom really wondered where Kris ran off too. She decided that he went home, afterall, Tao could be quite the handful.
Tao pouts but grudgingly follows his mom. His heart broken after finding out someone already bought the panda. When his thoughts surface and finally come to his best friend, Tao frowns. If only Kris gege had bought the panda earlier, Tao would be cuddling it right now, and it wouldn't be in some stranger's arms.
Kris sneaks out of the cornershop, he sighs in relief that Tao and his mom had went home. He takes another route back to their house, carrying the panda in his arms. He couldn't wait to see Tao's face once he showed him that he actually bought the panda.
Kris is a bit mean. He likes to tease Tao a lot before he actually does anything. Kris would buy anything for Tao if he could, but not without a little teasing beforehand.
He grins as he walks all the way back to Tao's house by himself.
How different things were back then.
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