The wounds that hurt my heart, the suffocating memories, I’m letting it all go on my way to you.

Seunghyun turns the photograph of his ex over in his hands, Yuna is at school and he made up some rubbish excuse as to why he couldn’t help out today. He sighs, he’d never envisaged that he could be this pathetic.  Yet Jiyong’s words still replay over and over in his mind, it’s like a sad song you can’t help but listen to even though you know it’ll only upset you.

“Your daughter’s mother is still stuck somewhere in your head and you need to let her go before you lose everyone who loves you, including your daughter.”

He throws the frame down onto the bed space beside him, sinking back into his pillows with a sigh. He knows that he should be up and doing something, heck the whole house needs a good clean, but Seunghyun can’t bring himself to move. It’s too much effort and he feels exhausted. He tries to reason that a nap will subdue any pain, though the delusion is short-lived because he can’t sleep. He couldn’t last night and he probably won’t tonight.

“Just why am I never good enough?”

The questions make him feel dizzy, he had to walk Yuna to school just because he couldn’t see properly and he didn’t want to risk anything by biking. A thick swallow drives a sore cough out of Seunghyun, he rolls over only to come face to face with that photo again. He groans and moves onto his front, burying his face into the topmost pillow. For a very brief second he wishes that the cotton and fluff would swallow him whole so that he could rest, though he rolls onto his back with yet another cough because that’s an idiot move. He needs to be back at the school in a few hours so that he can pick Yuna up and really, what would smothering himself do? Nothing.  He needs to sleep but he can’t, he needs to eat but he can’t, he needs to function and he can’t.

How useless.

Seunghyun groans again, though this time he climbs out of bed and neatly remakes it, heading into the kitchen soon after. Maybe if he does some housework he’ll feel a little more tired and he’ll be able to nap? Yeah, that sounds doable. He pours himself a glass of water, opening up one cupboard to get something to eat but two little boxes catches his eye. Carefully Seunghyun lifts them out and reads the labels out loud,

“Naproxen and Duloxetine.” He sets them both down on the counter with a sigh. They’re unopened, still full from Seunghyun’s refusal to take anything. The alleged side effects were too much at the time and he couldn’t risk it, even though his doctor implored him on several occasions to do it because “it would really help your situation” Seunghyun just couldn’t. Yuna was just a helpless baby back then, what if the side effects were so prominent that she could get hurt? He picks up the Duloxetine and flips the box over, reading the back. Maybe he should, maybe he shouldn’t. A foot impatiently taps as he considers it. He doesn’t want to lose anyone else, or be a burden for that matter and he’s sick of this cycle, of these feelings which he can’t shake. He can’t just get over it on his own.

He needs help.

Seunghyun snatches the boxes up along with his glass and he heads over to the couch, he sets it all down on the coffee table. It’s been a week since he last saw Jiyong, one week too long. It’s becoming blatantly obvious that Jiyong isn’t going to come running after him, he’s been there for Seunghyun and what did the latter do? He kicked Jiyong to the curb and pushed him out. With a sigh Seunghyun opens the boxes up, after taking one of each with some water he sits back. Nothing happens, he doesn’t know what he’s expecting. So for a moment, whilst he waits, he takes his phone out of his pocket and he brings up the last of their text conversation.

He sighs as his head feels heavy.

Jiyong deserves better, he needs someone who can make him happy and give him everything that he wants. Seunghyun rests back on the couch still cupping the mobile in his hand, it doesn’t take him long until he dozes off without realising…

Seunghyun wakes up with a start, someone is shaking his shoulder and shouting at him. When he sits bolt upright he clocks Jiyong who looks frantic, he frowns but his attention is directly hooked by Yuna who is standing behind Jiyong and crying into his leg. It’s confusing and startling. Seunghyun shakes the sleepiness from his head. What the-

“Oh god I thought you’d overdosed!” Jiyong turns Seunghyun’s face by his chin, checks over his face and feels a slightly warm forehead.

“What are you-” Seunghyun’s voice cracks but he clears his throat into a curled fist before he continues. “I mean, what are you doing here?”

“You called me-” . . . Seunghyun feels for his mobile, he must’ve pressed the call button whilst he was sleeping. He finds it tucked into the side of the couch though his leg is pressing against it. “-And when you didn’t answer I had to come over, luckily when you didn’t show up at school to pick Yuna up one of the other mothers dropped her off here. I saw her banging on the front door and uh, I kinda broke your window.” Jiyong looks sheepish for a second then his expression boils into anger.

“Fu- I’m so sorry.” Seunghyun touches at his own face with quivering fingertips, he feels awful for doing that. How could he be so irresponsible? Damn it.

“Dammit you should be!” Jiyong strongly tugs Seunghyun close and hugs him so tight it’s difficult to breathe. “I saw the tablets and I just…” He shakes as if he’s crying which prompts Seunghyun to rub his back, it’s automated like he can’t stop himself from caring about Jiyong. He sighs yet again. This is so frustrating. Jiyong’s love isn’t his, he can’t do this to him.

“No.” Jiyong pulls away at the sound of Seunghyun’s voice and he kneels in front of the seated man’s legs, making himself just as tall as Yuna who continues to cling onto him. “I just…” Seunghyun rubs at his hair. It’s hard to say what he needs to especially with his daughter here, staring at him with those big watery yet totally petrified eyes. He swallows as he tears up, he can’t bear this. It’s torture to see her hurting.

“I need help.” Seunghyun repeats his earlier admission, tone feather light and cracking. He stares down at his legs, smudging the water from his eyes on a knuckle. “And I can’t live like this anymore Jiyong.” He lowers his hands to his jeans, scrunches up the rough fabric amongst his fingertips until his knuckles blanch. “I’m not a capable father, I flipped out at Yuna the other night and I hurt her arm. I can’t sleep and I can’t eat, even though I’m exhausted and starving. I should’ve taken those tablets years ago but I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I was scared…” Seunghyun gestures angrily as he talks and finishes by hanging his head lower, screwing his eyes shut in the hope that he’ll stop crying. His hands fall to squeeze his jeans again, praying that if he nips at skin the pain he feels in his chest will be directed elsewhere.

“All these years…” He gulps down air harshly. A warm hand curls over his knuckles which gives him the strength to continue his sentence, however he relaxes the hold on his trousers without realising. “And I… I just needed to survive, to reach the end of the day and know that my baby was happy and safe, that’s it. I feel like…” He opens his eyes, the pressure is too much and his vision blurs. “I can’t get rid of these feelings and I can’t be a burden, I can’t.” Seunghyun shakes his head, stares at Jiyong who is still crying but he’s soundless, only nodding along to Seunghyun’s words and intermittently wiping his eyes with unsteady fingertips. Seunghyun looks at Yuna, her face is pressed into Jiyong’s shoulder and she’s gasping although her father knows that she’s crying. Seunghyun sighs.

“I’m stuck.” He wriggles his shirt sleeve down, using the tip of his cuff to wipe at his eyes. But then, suddenly, Jiyong lifts his hand from Seunghyun’s, he holds it out like he’s asking for a handshake.

“If you want help take my hand.” Jiyong’s voice is rough, a little too aggressive and Seunghyun frowns. “Take my hand Seunghyun.” Jiyong’s hand doesn’t move, Seunghyun in a breath observing his palm for a good few minutes before he reaches up and grasps it, with a squeeze Jiyong approves the motion. He stares at Seunghyun who slowly glances up to meet the gaze that he can feel on his face. And it’s then Jiyong smiles he lifts Seunghyun’s hand to his lips, presses just the one utterly sweet kiss there, blinking tears Seunghyun cries harder. When Jiyong sits Yuna on his lap he loses it, he wraps his arms around his baby and she doesn’t understand but still she clings onto him, it’s her hug which calms him down. Seunghyun’s about to spill so many apologies from his lips when he feels an extra weight on his legs, he opens his eyes wearily, surprised to see Jiyong sitting behind Yuna and he wraps his arms around them both.

A soft sigh slips out instead of an apology, though Jiyong’s expression drips with sympathy and he shakes his head, swiping a few tears from Seunghyun’s cheek.

“Don’t say it.” Jiyong tries to speak but the sound is overwrought.

“Say what?” Seunghyun replies as if it’s a pre-set response.

“You were about to apologise for having feelings, I could see it in your face.” Jiyong lightly taps the button of Seunghyun’s nose narrowing his eyes a little, the silent scolding is enough to break the tension and Yuna chips in.

“Argh!” She sits back to rest against Jiyong, gesturing with her arms like her father would before he’s about to tell her off. “Look!” She sits up again and searches herself but when she can’t find something she just tugs her sleeve down. Seunghyun watches her curiously, though he jumps when she shuffles forward and starts wiping (well it’s more like slapping) his face with her sleeve. “Daddy so gross… silly wet booger face.” Jiyong snorts loudly, covering his mouth up with the back of his palm.  “Dirty daddy, argh.” She’s insistent on turning her father’s face from left to right and back again. He simply grins, there’s not much else he can do to shed the embarrassment but when Seunghyun catches Jiyong’s eye line he can feel his face burn up. Once Yuna’s finished with her wiping she slips out between the two and waddles off. Seunghyun is about to follow her when Jiyong wriggles his behind, instantly reminding him that he still can’t move. He leans in towards Seunghyun and he’s smirking as he says,

“Very dirty daddy indeed.” He taps Seunghyun’s nose again, causing the latter to blink a little harder, though soon enough they’re kissing and all Seunghyun can do is melt into Jiyong’s lips, grasp onto the cotton of Jiyong’s shirt and pull him closer.

Jiyong keeps his hand linked with Seunghyun’s as he leads the latter into his bedroom. Yuna follows them with half a roll of toilet paper straggling over one shoulder. Seunghyun just trails Jiyong, he has no idea what is going on but he doesn’t feel as worried when that firm grip on his hand refuses to ease in pressure even when Seunghyun lays down.  The sheets and duvet are pulled over him before Jiyong lifts Yuna onto the bed, he takes her shoes off and strips her thick coat away. When she’s good to go she crawls up to Seunghyun’s side, he watches her with an affectionate yet exhausted smile and when she’s close enough she hands him the tissues.

“Thanks baby.” He bunches them up but rests it on the nightstand. When he returns his attention to Yuna she’s snuggled up beside him, with one hand gripping at the top of Seunghyun’s shirt. He kisses her forehead then peers up at Jiyong who is just watching them, biting on a smile.

“Alright, I’m gonna go get some things so I can spend a few nights here. Is that ok?” There’s anxiousness in Jiyong’s eyes, Seunghyun can’t do much about that since he probably caused it so he merely nods. When Jiyong is about to leave though Seunghyun changes his mind and says,

“Hurry back, I’ll miss you.” Jiyong freezes by the door, turning his head to look at Seunghyun. He smiles so brightly, would it be foolish to say that Seunghyun almost feels reenergised from it? Jiyong nods leaving the room and soon after that the house. Yuna buries her head into one side of Seunghyun’s chest so he pulls her close, kisses her forehead again and again then he drifts off. It feels so much easier to sleep now.

When Seunghyun wakes up again he can smell food but he’s immediately struck by the empty space beside him and his heart is racing before he’s even moved. He yawns, turns onto his side bracing himself to get up and find Yuna, however he freezes. Sitting on the nightstand is the photo frame of Yuna’s mother and she’s standing there proudly as if she belongs there. Seunghyun sits up and snatches the frame off the side, untwisting the hooks so that he can take her picture out.

Her eyes catch his and Seunghyun stares at the photo for much longer than he’d like. His fingers move up the photo, ready to rip it but he can’t bring himself to do it. She was so beautiful, with her cropped bob and never-ending, breath-stealing, eyes. Seunghyun gasps in alarm when a drop of water lands on the photo then he realises that he’s crying again. He groans, rolls his eyes, and tears the photo in half, ripping it into tiny little pieces as quickly as he can. By the end of it he feels like he’s choking, he coughs and shifts to stand, scattering her photo onto the surrounding floor space.

“Ji-!” Seunghyun calls, attempting to shout but that’s a little difficult to pull off when you can’t breathe. His hand falls heavily to grab onto the nightstand and he drags it down with him as he tumbles over, causing the frame to smash. He blinks, the weight of the nightstand is heavy against his chest, though he can’t push it – he can’t move. He blinks again and again, looking towards the door when he hears Jiyong’s voice.

“Seunghyun, are you up yet? Yuna and I-” His voice falls flat and Seunghyun’s head rolls back to force his eyes up on the ceiling, it’s blurry and spinning until he can’t see anything.

“Oh god what happened?” A woman’s voice breaks the silence. She sounds memorable, familiar and a different voice replies. The second voice makes Seunghyun feel warm, there’s something pressing on his mouth but he doesn’t mind it. It helps.

“The doctors said it was stress, I think he just reached the end of his tether.” That’s Jiyong’s voice, he recognises it and his heart races faster and faster.

“Damn it. I knew it would happen but I still… I was away on my honeymoon and we got side-tracked by visiting Daesung’s parents in California. I should’ve been here, !” She sounds upset, stricken, Seunghyun has never heard her swear before and he can hear her pacing next to him – it’s almost as if she’s talking right in his ear. “Wait look!” Several beeps echo round them which causes her tone to snap into excitement, Seunghyun blinks numerous times before he can see again. There’s a rush and all he can see is eyelashes until he adjusts to the light.

“Seunghyun, oh god, Hyun!” He looks towards the voice and soon enough the image of an extremely stressed and tired Hyomi unravels before his very eyes. His mouth tries to move though he can’t say a word and he peers down at the oral nasal mask, tugging it down so he can talk.

“Hey newlywed, shouldn’t you be somewhere sunny?” Seunghyun’s voice is gravelly and he sounds so different, it’s bizarre. He swiftly looks from her to Jiyong who smiles gently. “Where’s Yuna? Is she ok? Did she see-”

“Yuna is with my sister and she’s fine, yes she saw and yes she was upset but she’s fine now. Stop worrying for a second.” Jiyong steps right up to the bed, reaching out to rub Seunghyun’s shoulder. It soothes him right away and Seunghyun coughs. “Put this back on and take deep breaths.” Jiyong instructs lifting the mask back up to sit on Seunghyun’s face properly, he nods and draws in the deepest breaths that he can. That soothes him too so he just stares between them both as if he’s waiting for some kind of explanation. Hyomi gets the hint first and talks at the speed of light.

“Ok so Daesung and I came back a few days early from our honeymoon and I got a call from Jiyong who told me about what was happening and that he had to call emergency services for you so I came here as quickly as I can. I’m so sorry I just-” Seunghyun raises a hand to pull the mask off again but Jiyong grabs it and forcefully pushes it back down.

“Just listen Seunghyun.” He explains when the latter looks at him in shock. “Please go on Hyomi.” Jiyong ignores the stare and looks at Seunghyun’s sister instead. All Seunghyun can do is look too but he lifts his other hand up just to test Jiyong’s reaction and he grumbles, grabbing Seunghyun by the wrists, bringing his two hands together. Jiyong holds them there the whole time, his nostrils might take up gymnastics after all this flaring but Seunghyun would definitely crack a smile if he could.

“Alright there was a legitimate reason as to why we came back so early, even though if I had known what was happening I probably wouldn’t have gone at all but… I’m not supposed to say yet because we haven’t got the all clear… I could possibly, I mean I tested positive on a pregnancy test. I might be pregnant!” Hyomi jumps and claps her hands, freezing mid-air as she anticipates her brother’s response. “But we didn’t want to tell anyone yet, I’m sorry.” She chews on her lower lip, looking fearful for a moment. That’s when Seunghyun’s eyes well up, chest swells from the news, and Jiyong releases his hold so that Hyomi can hug him. Seunghyun returns the hug tightly, giving her a sure squeeze before she pulls away. He has so much to say, though he looks at Jiyong who shakes his head and rests his hand on Seunghyun’s shoulder.

“He wants to say that he’s very happy for you, you’ll have to keep him updated after you’ve visited the doctor and you need to take care of yourself now. Make sure you get some vitamins and relax. Don’t worry about him.” At that Seunghyun nods and folds his arms over his chest. Jiyong smiles at him then continues,

“But he’s an idiot because of course you’re going to worry about him, we all are. And you can’t stop other people from caring, you’re not a burden just because your family are concerned about your wellbeing.” Seunghyun lifts his index finger up as if he’s about to question that but Jiyong taps it back down. Hyomi laughs during the silly exchange and rolls her eyes.

“Yes you are an idiot.” She sits down on his bed but faces him, roughing up his tresses with her fingertips. “How would you feel if I stopped telling you about how my life is going huh? If I didn’t tell you how I felt about things and what I’m thinking? You’d feel like I was shutting you out and that maybe I didn’t like you anymore. Sometimes… That’s how I feel.” Hyomi’s hand drifts to Seunghyun’s cheek and he frowns.

“We’re here for you because we want to be, not because we have an obligation to.” She finishes but Seunghyun’s attention moves to Jiyong who is sitting near the end of the bed and he’s rubbing Seunghyun’s legs, pretty much sprawled across them.

“Exactly.” Jiyong perks up with a small smile. “Oh mentioning that, I called your mom up and she said she’d be here as soon as she could.” Seunghyun’s part way to agreeing with them when Jiyong drops that bombshell and he almost chokes again. Hyomi squeezes his hand hard however both of the Choi siblings freeze up.

“Oh no, did I do something wrong?” Jiyong stares between them both, alarmed by how both of them clam up. Seunghyun looks at Hyomi who avoids him by staring at Jiyong.

“Heh, see the thing is. I haven’t spoken to our parents for years, seriously it was like they just cut me out and I have no idea why. But Seunghyun still sees them occasionally.” Now she stares at him and this time Seunghyun looks away first. He shakes his head, waving a hand too because he can’t talk about it right now. He can feel the panic rise in his chest and he needs to calm down.

“Wow… Ok I can call her if you want? Perhaps Seunghyun will be discharged before she gets here?” Jiyong reasons, sitting up yet still rubbing Seunghyun’s legs. The latter looks at him desperately, as if to say can we stop talking about this now and Jiyong nods. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok.” Hyomi replies, they both look at Seunghyun when he reaches up for the mask but this time he just holds it there. He closes his eyes and tries to cut everything out. Jiyong and Hyomi go so quiet that Seunghyun doesn’t notice the difference when he’s asleep again. This time he feels as though he really needs it.

Watching Seunghyun pass out again really clenches Jiyong’s heart, he feels so bad, if only I hadn’t called them, maybe his sister was enough. He stares at Hyomi who inclines closer to Seunghyun, very softly kissing the side of his head. She’s crying and it’s only been fifteen minutes since she last stopped. It feels like Jiyong is stuck in a limbo, he’s going into this situation completely blind to Seunghyun’s needs or history but he’s going to be here for Seunghyun whatever happens. As Seunghyun’s hand loosens from around the mask Hyomi lowers it back to his side and wipes her cheeks with a tissue then she stands up.

“I’m just going to get some fresh air.” She pulls her woollen jumper down, picking up her handbag from the nearby chair.

“Really Hyomi, I am so sorry.” Jiyong repeats his earlier sentiment and he sighs when she rubs his hair too.

“How could you have known when he doesn’t open up?” Hyomi smiles like she understands, whispering a quick ‘excuse me please’ before she pretty much runs from the room. Jiyong listens to her heels click down the corridor, sighing yet again and just allowing himself to fall face first in between Seunghyun’s legs. He grumbles and groans to no one, it’s been two days since Seunghyun fell and Jiyong hasn’t slept in the slightest. Of course Hyomi doesn’t come back and when visiting hours are over Jiyong makes sure that Seunghyun is comfortable then he leaves, only to be picked up by Youngbae at the hospital entrance a few minutes later. Resting his head against the window after knocking it against the cold surface a few times Jiyong yawns, too tired to even cover it up. Youngbae takes one look at his brother-in-law and rubs his knee, driving them home in total silence. He doesn’t ask because he can see that Jiyong is too tired to talk about it.

When Dami accosts him at the front door Jiyong just shrugs, asks after Yuna and joins Seunghyun’s little girl in his room. The thing is, Jiyong lied to Seunghyun today and he doesn’t feel good about it at all. Although if he hadn’t Seunghyun would’ve definitely gotten worse, this kind of information wouldn’t help at all. But ever since Seunghyun’s fall Yuna has been as sick as dog, when she isn’t throwing up she’s sleeping though today she’s awake. She just stares at Jiyong as he slips his jacket off and replaces his shirt for a vest before he takes his trousers off, only to reveal a pair of long boxers. He climbs into bed beside Yuna, she blinks then rubs her eyes settling against Jiyong’s side before the questions start.

“Daddy still sick?” Jiyong her unruly curls downwards, nodding and explaining in a hushed whisper.

“Yeah he is but he’s going to be fine. How do you feel?” She looks up at him with such a fondness, he still finds it unbelievably cute that she has such a strong bond with her father. Jiyong rests his hand on her forehead just roughly feeling her temperature. “You don’t feel as hot as yesterday.” He feels relieved, though that’s just the tip of the iceberg. He’s now lying to her as well because he doesn’t know if Seunghyun will be fine, he doesn’t know if Yuna will be fine, there is no certainty here. The only thing Jiyong is sure of is that he managed to mess up, he thought that Seunghyun would want to be supported by all of his family and he didn’t ever mention having troubles with his parents. Jiyong tries to relax because he knows that worrying won’t help and he should actually sleep tonight. Yuna rubs his chest, kissing his cheek gently.

“Night Jiyong-appa.” And then she just drifts off. Of course that wakes Jiyong right up, he stares at her in disbelief. For a change she got his name right (though he was starting to grow fond of being called “Jion!”) but then the appa part, Jiyong-appa. He turns onto his side and cuddles her close, letting her snuggle as tightly as she wants. Maybe things will be ok as long as they all have each other and support one another. Jiyong stares at this beautiful girl, perhaps this is a good thing? Seunghyun is finally facing his feelings and Jiyong is supporting him like any friend or lover should.

That night he sleeps like a baby.