“What?” Seunghyun snaps glancing sideways to look at Jiyong.

“I love you.”

Three simple little words. It’s easy to say and barely takes any effort to repeat in reply. It should be effortless. It should be…

So why can’t Seunghyun say it back?

He freezes and a panic knots his stomach, building up to such a point that he feels sick again. He’s never felt so strange, so exposed and open before. It’s not a nice feeling at all.

“I-I-” Seunghyun stammers, the words he needs to say trip and twist around his tongue.

“Don’t force it.” Jiyong austerely cuts in, smile faltering just ever so slightly.

“But I-”

“It’s fine.” Jiyong squeezes his hand and Seunghyun sighs out his frustration. “We’re only on our first date and I’m telling you something like that, it’s silly.” He laughs, carefully lowering Seunghyun’s hand back onto his leg and shifting back on his chair. Seunghyun can already feel the distance, he knows how this works, you don’t give someone what they want and they’ll look elsewhere. “I apologise, I shouldn’t have said such a thing.” Their hearts feel burdened by Jiyong’s words, Seunghyun can feel that ache – that loss of love – and it’s all so real, too real in fact. It hits too close to home.

“Did you mean it?” Seunghyun softly asks, voice too small for Jiyong to actually hear it.

“Huh?” Jiyong looks unbelievably confused when Seunghyun stares up at him, it’s sad but endearing and Seunghyun feels like a moron.

“I mean, do you… do you really love me?” Seunghyun turns on the backseat, his knees inadvertently knock against Jiyong’s but it doesn’t hurt.

“Seunghyun...” Jiyong gently exhales, he smiles and that confuses Seunghyun. “I don’t love you-”

“Wha-”

“I adore you and I know it was wrong of me to say something that important so early on in our relationship but it’s how I feel. I want you to trust me first, carrying your belief in my heart is the most important thing to me and I want to do this the right way. I don’t want to rush this, rush us. I’m sorry for doing that. I fall head on into things and I-”

Seunghyun reaches across the backseat and slowly kisses Jiyong, it’s slow because even though his heart is speeding up in its beats his mind is telling him to calm down. They’ve had this debate before, out on the beach, and Seunghyun doesn’t want to lose this relationship because he has issues of his own to deal with. His insecurities are his and not Jiyong’s, it’s not fair to project that onto the other man. His hands rise to touch Jiyong’s neck, thumbs hesitantly tracing the skin just under a gorgeously curved jawline, he shivers when he feels Jiyong return the kiss. A careful press of lips mutually quiver together into something that’s so sensitive and considerate Seunghyun almost forgets about how he was feeling, almost.

When they break for air silence ensues. Seunghyun’s hands slip into the dips of Jiyong’s shoulders whilst Jiyong tries to shuffle closer to Seunghyun. All the latter can see his happiness, a free flowing tenderness which helps ease the pressure in his chest. That’s when it clicks for Seunghyun.

“I haven’t been in a relationship with somebody since Yuna’s mother.” He pauses to choose his next words wisely. “Even then I didn’t feel as strongly about someone as I do whenever I’m around you.” Jiyong nods as his hands nestle by Seunghyun’s sides, just above his hips. “I… It’s just difficult to tell you how I feel because…” Seunghyun glances away but the small press of Jiyong’s hands urge him on. “Because I don’t think about how I feel, how I feel is always irrelevant, I don’t live for myself.” A puff of a cough forces him to pause again. “It’s just easier to think about someone else, to live for someone else, and you… you with your sweet words and sincerity… I don’t know how to react. I want to tell you that I feel the same, I want to so desperately but I can’t. There’s nothing here for me to give to you, I’m not-”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” Jiyong’s reply is raspy like his voice is cracking underneath an unbearable pressure or something. Seunghyun wisely swallows the rest of his words, there’s a look in Jiyong’s eyes which he can’t figure out. It could be interpreted as anger or disgust, though he daren’t guess. All Seunghyun knows is that it makes him extraordinarily uncomfortable. “So you live for other people, so what? There’s nothing wrong with that. I mean you’re raising a beautiful girl all by yourself. That’s remarkable, that’s special Seunghyun. You’re special. You’re so stunning and nice, it’s like there’s not one bad bone in you at all. Nowadays people aren’t like you at all, people are so wrapped up in themselves thinking about others becomes something that’s so unnatural they would rather spend the rest of their lives alone. But putting others before yourself is something you willingly do, do you realise how incredible you are?”

“I’m not incredible, I’m not.” Seunghyun shakes his head and the expression on Jiyong’s face softens. He smiles though his eyes say otherwise. “What? Don’t look at me like that, I’m not.”

“Look at me Seunghyun.” Jiyong orders when Seunghyun tries to distract his eyes with something else, so he can feel less embarrassed about Jiyong’s compliments. “Seunghyun!”

“Just…” Seunghyun’s dissents fade into a small chuckle as he meets Jiyong’s gaze. He pulls a face, something between crossing his eyes and sticking his tongue out, and Seunghyun can’t resist it. He laughs so much that his eyes soon well up with tears. Jiyong bursts out into an equally pained laugh, fingertips gripping onto Seunghyun’s sides just that little bit more.

They laugh for what feels like forever, until the initial weight of their earlier conversation returns to them. When that settles in the air between their bodies Jiyong pushes his arms through Seunghyun’s, knocking them down to his sides, and scoops up Seunghyun’s cheeks between his palms.

“I’ll do whatever it takes to be with you. I just want you to know that, regardless of how long or painful the process may be. I adore you and I want to cherish you and your wonderful daughter for as long as I can.” Something (whether it’s an urge or a sudden need to open up he doesn’t know) forces Seunghyun to knock Jiyong’s hands out of the way so that he can reach forward and hug Jiyong as tightly as he possibly can. A gasp of a breath can barely leave Jiyong as a result of the action but all he does is lifts his rejected hands to lightly trace soothing patterns on Seunghyun’s back. It’s a heartfelt gesture, Seunghyun’s way of thanking Jiyong for being here – for wanting to be here – and any residual tension just isn’t here anymore. Jiyong understands, he gets Seunghyun and that’s what the latter needs to remember. He closes his eyes and rests his tired head right beside Jiyong’s neck, breathing in that sweet scent of a man and heaven combined.

When the car gradually comes to a gentle halt Seunghyun stirs, he’s lying flat out against the back seat with his legs curled up and he wonders ‘Just when did I fall asleep?’ He rubs at his blurry eyes with a curled up fist, glancing in the rear-view mirror at Jiyong. The blonde is looking down as he turns the ignition off and he sighs. It’s then Seunghyun remembers their previous conversation. He feels that tightness in his chest, the aggravation from not being able to return Jiyong’s confession, and it’s only when those hazy almond eyes gaze at Seunghyun through the mirror that he inhales a sharp breath of air.

“Well this is my house, let’s get Yuna and you home.” Jiyong smiles, Seunghyun’s not sure how he manages to, but he gets out and opens up the back door for Seunghyun before the latter can say anything. He nods dumbly, sliding his legs out first. Silently the two return to Jiyong’s house, a stray hand reaches back for Seunghyun and the touch is reassuring, soft in the most pleasant way possible.

“Wait!” Seunghyun rasps, grips onto Jiyong’s hand tighter. “I don’t want tonight to end like this.” He stops walking and refuses to take another step forward. Jiyong turns around, a look of surprise enlarges his irises, though he doesn’t say a word. “I don’t- I can’t-” Seunghyun stops his stutters with a low sigh, the light mist from his warm breaths drifts through the air between them. “I feel it, I really do, I’m just… I’m not ready… I’m not worthy. Don’t look at me with that pity, I just-”

“How can I prove it to you?” Jiyong drops their hands yet he takes a small step closer. “How can I prove it to you that you’re worth it? How can I make you feel the way in which you deserve to feel? Who has thrown so much malice at you that you can’t allow yourself to be happy? I kiss you, cherish you, and still that doesn’t convince you- I don’t know how, just tell me…. How?!” He breaks down, rushes forward to cup Seunghyun’s cheeks, and he looks so angry… so hurt.

“I don’t know...” Seunghyun rushes the sentence out, “I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know!” He freaks out. The stress, the years of exhaustion and anguish burst out from his lungs in abrasive cries, it’s then Jiyong smiles.

He just smiles.

Presses his forehead against Seunghyun’s and flicks those pent up tears away with repetitive tender brushes of his thumbs. Under soft-hearted whispers he soothes Seunghyun, encourages the feelings to pour out from him. Years of being strong, of trying to be the perfect parent, seep out in crippling waves. All the questions in which Seunghyun used to simply bury, the doubt and loneliness, they all bring the weakening man to one question.

“Just why am I never good enough?”

The cries strengthen when Seunghyun discovers the question, vivid images of his child, his parents, his sister – everything in his life thus far filters through his brain in painful flashes and all these insecurities he’s never been able to share before are relentless. When his eyes close Jiyong kisses them, warmth peppers Seunghyun’s face, salty tears are fought off with the purest kind of affection, and slowly but surely his cries die down into a soundless comfort. A lull of security, sincerity, and love simmer Seunghyun into this kind of nothingness. The tightness in his chest dissipates with every single one of Jiyong’s kisses. He tries to say something, apologise for blubbering like a child, but a tender laugh from that beautiful voice soon puts a stop to that.

“Hush…” Jiyong pacifies Seunghyun with a final kiss to his forehead. “Come with me.” Seunghyun has no choice, he latches onto Jiyong’s arm, rests his head against Jiyong’s, and they enter the house slowly.

Whenever someone tries to speak to Jiyong he presses a finger to his lips, Seunghyun blindly follows him with his eyes partially closed, luckily Dami understands and she nods as Jiyong passes her to lead Seunghyun up the stairs. He guides the exhausted man into his bedroom, carefully eases the suit’s jacket from his torso before he lays Seunghyun down. The latter is fast asleep now, he barely moves as Jiyong undresses him and once Seunghyun’s wearing nothing but a vest and his briefs Jiyong lifts the bedcovers over him.

He returns back to Dami to tell her what happened when Seunghyun’s long since settled. She starts the conversation over a bar kitchen counter.

“So how was it? Seunghyun looked dreadful.” Jiyong spins slightly in the chair, wiping at the clean counter’s surface. He talks to it as he replies.

“He’s been on his own for so long Dami… He doesn’t know how to let me in.” Jiyong turns the chair right around when he hears Yuna’s voice.

“Jion!” She calls running from the living room to charge full throttle at Jiyong. He picks her up with a broad smile, kissing her cheek as she cuddles him.

“Hey baby, are you having fun?” She nods at his question and squeezes her arms around him. He sits back on the chair, still cuddling Yuna as he continues to speak with Dami. “Shouldn’t she be sleeping?”

“Well I wasn’t sure if you guys were going to be gone all night or what.” Dami shrugs and switches the kettle on. “So I let her stay up, she’ll probably fall asleep on you, our Sami used to be like that.” She smiles fondly, reaching for two mugs from a nearby shelf. “She’s quite clingy isn’t she?” Dami’s observations begin to annoy Jiyong just a smidgen.

“Probably because people keep walking out of the poor thing’s life…” He sighs heavily, cupping the back of Yuna’s head to keep her dozing head close. “But I refuse to. I’m not going anywhere, not even if Seunghyun pushes me. He’s the best thing that has ever happened to me-” Jiyong’s voice cracks and he swallows the rest of his heartfelt words down.

“Here.” Dami pushes a steaming cup of tea towards her brother, his despair is so obvious Jiyong can see it reflected back at him through Dami’s eyes, she brushes her fringe out of her eyes and tucks a few loose strands behind her ear. Jiyong watches her for a moment and returns the smile which stretches his sister’s lips.

“Thank you.” He quietly replies, reaching for the mug and taking a very small sip. With Yuna still holding onto him, though she’s fast asleep and Jiyong can just tell from the full weight of her head against his chest, he gently rocks them both. The instinct is natural, to hold this child and love her like this, Jiyong sighs once again.

“Talk to me.” Dami pursues on with the questions whilst Jiyong lowers the tea cup back onto the counter and uses both of his hands to hold Yuna.

“Seunghyun doesn’t think that he’s good enough for a relationship. He doesn’t feel like a person so it’s hard for him to accept and enjoy feelings from others. I don’t know what to do, I think he’s sweet and so sincere I just want cherish him. But he’s stressed… he’s lived for his baby for so long he doesn’t even know how to be himself… It’s just heart-breaking you know? How can you tell someone they’re worth it? How can you help someone to love themselves? I don’t want to leave him because I love both him and his beautiful baby… I just don’t know what to do.” Part way through that explanation Jiyong closes his eyes and squeezes Yuna tightly. His own tears are forcibly kept behind a set of clamped eyelids, he won’t cry, he’ll be strong.

“Tell him.” A tender press to Jiyong’s shoulder causes the latter to open his eyes. He turns on his chair to face Dami who is currently sat already facing Jiyong on the barstool right next to him.

“What?” Jiyong frowns, a few tears leak down his cheeks though he swiftly brushes them away with a shirt sleeve.

“Tell him how you feel. Find a way to show him how much you care for him. Point out everything you love about him. Spoil him rotten…” Dami muses with a mischievous smile as she drinks some of her own tea.

“But that’s what got me into this mess, he won’t accept it.” Jiyong admits feebly, he catches the smell of Yuna’s hair and he breathes it in, she smells exactly like her father. It’s a bittersweet thought.

“Then keep doing it until he does. Smother him with it, give him so many compliments he can’t refuse them, do the craziest stuff that you can imagine – just for him. I mean come on you’re Jiyong, you’re the Don Juan of our block remember? You used to have backlogs of people trailing after you every single day. Everyone in our area wanted to date you, then you got all hot with your music and now… Well now you’re wondering about how to romance one guy. That’s how he’s worth it, you’re not just anyone, you’re you. So you take your hot and go woo your man.” Dami laughs and Jiyong snorts at all the compliments which he’s never heard before.

“You really think like that that D? You don’t think I’m washed up and long past my sell by date?” Dami tisks and immediately dismisses Jiyong’s question.

“Idiot!” She flicks her brother’s ear. “Sounds like you both need an education in self-worth. Look, you’re amazing and you say that Seunghyun is amazing so I don’t see your problem. Sleep on it ok? You’ll feel better about everything in the morning.” Jiyong nods over and over again, he stands and keeps a hold of Yuna.

“I’m going to leave Yuna in bed with her dad then I’ll sleep on the couch. What time are you up in the morning?” Jiyong rubs Yuna’s back when she whines in her sleep, keeping her lethargic body pressed against his hip.

“I’ll be up for the school run so about 6am, why?” Dami drains the rest of her tea, getting up to put it into the sink.

“Wake me up at that time too please. I want to catch Seunghyun in bed before he wakes, is that ok?” Dami smirks, already on the same brain wave as her brother.   

“Sure thing, good night sweetie…” One kiss later and Dami’s gone, Jiyong peers down at Yuna and with a fond smirk he says,

“Let’s put this baby to bed. I’m sure you’re missing your daddy already huh?” He climbs the stairs carefully, making sure he doesn’t hit Yuna’s head or anything along the way. When he pushes his bedroom door open Jiyong’s heart warms at the sight of Seunghyun sleeping. His fluffy hair is all askew and ruffled whilst he’s lying on his side, hands sandwiched together and tucked up underneath a cheek, he’s a very quiet sleeper. Jiyong thinks to himself, draws in these details with the hope that they’ll be reprinted into his mind forever, and he lowers Yuna down onto the mattress. With all the care in the world Jiyong lifts the bedcovers up, making sure that both of his bed’s inhabitants are properly covered up.

Yuna sighs peacefully, naturally rolling towards her father who moves his arms and innately holds her close to his chest. Jiyong teeters on the bed slightly, every ounce of his heart wants to just slide under those covers too but he doesn’t. He simply crawls across the bed and kisses them both on their temples before he leaves the room.  When the bedroom door is closed Jiyong sighs, shakes the thought from his head, and treads back downstairs to curl up on the couch.

Tomorrow is going to be such a long day…