Tomorrow starts with a big fry up, Jiyong figures it’s the best place to start so he does. It’s 6:04am and he’s already popping the bread into the toaster. Dami flits around him, preparing packed lunches along with the porridge she’s making for her family. And I’m cooking for mine. Jiyong thinks with a wide grin as he pulls the toasting lever down. After shifting his attention back to the eggs which he’s poaching and prodding at Jiyong’s mind drifts off into thoughts of living with Seunghyun and Yuna, how amazing would that be? His cheeks are beginning to ache from all the smiling, he’d wake Seunghyun up with gentle presses of his fingertips, butter-soft kisses, and he’d rub Yuna’s little head as she yawns wide.

“Well someone is definitely smiling this morning.” Youngbae’s voice eases Jiyong back down onto planet earth. He shoots only a fraction of his smile at his brother-in-law, the full smile (he decides) is for Seunghyun. “And he’s cooking breakfast too, babe I think your brother’s in love.” He teases, scooting up behind Dami for shoulder kisses and sleepy morning hugs. She giggles airily, rubbing Youngbae’s hand which rest on her stomach. Jiyong very briefly watches them, imagining himself and Seunghyun in their place. The smile quickly vanishes from his face when he hears that all too familiar voice, for a moment Jiyong’s heart stops, he turns to see Seunghyun already awake but he’s wearing one of Jiyong’s long shirts (notably his favourite pastel pink one) and by god he looks gorgeous so early in the morning.

“I hope you don’t mind I borrowed one of your shirts and some sweat pants.” Seunghyun’s smile is sheepish, cautious in a way which painfully reminds Jiyong of last night. He nods and the question just rushes out of his mouth.

“Why are you up so early?” Jiyong totally abandons the pan of eggs luckily Dami is hot on his heels and takes over. Youngbae hops up onto the counter and watches the pair curiously. Jiyong’s eyes are so focused on Seunghyun that he doesn’t even consider anyone else in the kitchen. The bags underneath his eyes are so heavy and his hair sticks up, as if he’s been tugging on it in frustration. Seunghyun audibly swallows, casts his wary eyes down and off to the side. “Is something wrong?” Jiyong knows that’s probably the wrong question to ask but he can’t help it. He thought that after a good night’s rest Seunghyun would feel better.

The truth is that Seunghyun’s barely slept and it’s obvious, so obvious Jiyong almost feels robbed of this precious moment.

“I’m ok.” Seunghyun lies slowly, thoughtfully. Jiyong can see the cogs turning. “I just didn’t sleep well.” And there, he says it. Jiyong’s hands clench by his sides.

“How come?” Well Jiyong just isn’t going to give up that easily.

“Ji, why don’t you guys go into the living room and I’ll bring the food in?” Dami softly suggests, her brother nods and leads Seunghyun by the hand into the living room. The latter makes a move to sit down, though Jiyong shakes his head and holds Seunghyun’s other hand.  

“Is Yuna sleeping?” Seunghyun nods straight away, barely looking at Jiyong. For a very long minute there’s nothing but silence. Jiyong studies Seunghyun, wonders what’s going on in that beautiful yet thick head of his. Dami’s words from last night repeat over and over again in Jiyong’s own mind

“Tell him how you feel. Find a way to show him how much you care for him. Point out everything you love about him. Spoil him rotten…”

He doesn’t know if that’s what Seunghyun wants to hear right now, maybe words are just too much. There’s an awkward tension, Seunghyun shifts as if he’s uncomfortable. It’s then Jiyong reaches up, replaces Seunghyun’s hands for his cheeks and he kisses him. The kiss is fleeting, tender from Jiyong’s raw feelings, however it’s one sided. Seunghyun doesn’t return the kiss.

“Kiss me back.” Jiyong whispers going in for a second kiss, again Seunghyun doesn’t move. “I said kiss me back dammit.” Jiyong tears up and tries once more. When Seunghyun doesn’t react again he pulls back, opens his eyes and questions when on earth did I put my hands on Seunghyun’s hips? The statue in question looks off behind Jiyong, he doesn’t move, blink or anything.

“Seunghyun, please.” His feeble voice stresses just how important this is to him but all Seunghyun does is look at him. His stare says far more than a thousand words ever could and Jiyong’s knees weaken. “Don’t you dare. I said I’m not leaving you, that applies to you as well. Don’t-” His sentence falters when Seunghyun blinks tears.

“I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you.” Seunghyun’s voice sounds so removed, so different from its usual clarity. It’s nothing but a mismatch of sadness and neglect. Jiyong gulps. “You weren’t supposed to make me want things, do things, be somebody but here I am.” Seunghyun looks away again, depriving Jiyong of that contact the latter wants so badly. What’s worse is that he knows it.

“And you’re beautiful, Seunghyun you’re here with me. I love you as you are.” Jiyong tries to be firm though that wall is cracking, threatening to give in to the attacking flood. “You’ve been a person all along… let me show you just how amazing you are, please.”

“I need some time.” And it’s then the wall cracks. Jiyong cries and shakes his head, no, no time apart.

“I said don’t you dare!” Exasperation builds up to such a point in Jiyong’s chest that he grabs Seunghyun’s face again and presses their lips together. Still all of his kisses are left one sided until… Well until Seunghyun tilts his head into one, opens his mouth only to let out a choked sob. Jiyong stops right away, holding Seunghyun’s face so close to him that within the next second Seunghyun’s hugging him. He buries his face into Jiyong’s neck, the waves of melancholy roll through Seunghyun’s body in tearful breaths. Jiyong tries so hard to be strong, to be Seunghyun’s pillar of support but this situation is so beyond that now and his cheeks are damp before Jiyong can even process the decision to cry.

It’s then he realises that this isn’t a confirmation of Seunghyun’s feelings, rather this is a goodbye.

“I’ll get my things and go.” Seunghyun quietly mumbles as he pulls back from Jiyong. “I’m sorry.” Jiyong just dumbly nods, he’s heartbroken and that momentary numbness stops him from doing anything else. The power is all in Seunghyun’s hands and he’s choosing to leave.

“If you go…” Jiyong tries to swallow down the rest of his sentence but it’s unsuccessful, Seunghyun freezes already a few paces closer towards the door. “I would do anything for you. I just hope one day you’ll realise that loving yourself is not wrong… that you’re not a despicable person… Your daughter’s mother is still stuck somewhere in your head and you need to let her go before you lose everyone who loves you, including your daughter. You’re denying yourself of something so beautiful and true because of this woman who just abandoned you. When you stop saving yourself for her and you realise that you actually have the capacity to love another person then you know where I am. I’ll be here for you.”  He wipes his eyes. Seunghyun audibly swallows and pensively replies with three very simple words.

“Thank you Jiyong.” Those aren’t the three words Jiyong wants to hear but he nods regardless.

“Let me drive you home after some breakfast.” He reasons taking a step closer to Seunghyun. The latter shakes his head and toys with the hem of Jiyong’s shirt.

“I need to go home now.” Seunghyun quietly mumbles, eyes looking everywhere but Jiyong.

“I understand. Get Yuna and your stuff together then I’ll take you.” Jiyong forces the words out, his chest aches, whilst the pain reaches the very pit of his stomach. Seunghyun merely nods and leaves, Jiyong can hear his heavy footsteps trundle upstairs. “I’ll be here for you.”  Jiyong repeats with a sigh, smudging the dampness away from his eyes. When he reappears in the kitchen he shakes his head, Dami swallows painfully and Youngbae’s hopeful stare lowers to the floor.

“I’m taking Seunghyun and Yuna home now. Please tell them that I’ll be in the car.” That’s the last of Jiyong’s words for today. He doesn’t want Seunghyun to leave, he wants to selfishly lock him in his room and kiss him until Seunghyun’s too dizzy to overthink the situation. This isn’t fair.

Jiyong digs his teeth into this lower lip, the nice guys always finish last. He curses, wipes tears from the corners of his lips and slips on some shades. Fingers impatiently tap at a still steering wheel, Seunghyun’s taking his sweet time, Jiyong decides bitterly. Maybe he really doesn’t want to go either? Soon enough Seunghyun’s explanation for taking so long is obvious once he steps out from the house. Yuna is kicking and screaming, throwing a tantrum at her father who just looks as if he’s about ready to pass out. Jiyong glances away until the back car door opens.

“Yuna-ah will you stop-!” Seunghyun’s voice fills the vehicle and Jiyong rubs at his lips nervously, still keeping the one hand on his steering wheel.

“No go! I don’t want to go! Stay with Jion!” Jiyong risks a peek at Yuna in the rear view mirror, she’s squirming in Seunghyun’s arms and she hits his face with her fist.

“Yuna!” Jiyong turns in chair seat, his voice is gruff and she freezes at the harsh sound. “Do as your father tells you and sit properly!” Seunghyun’s eyes briefly scan over Jiyong, though the latter turns in his seat before he can catch those eyes. “Are we ready to go?” Jiyong resentfully asks, Seunghyun nods with a quiet “Yes” and Jiyong backs the car down the drive.

The journey to Seunghyun’s is absurdly quiet, Yuna stays silent and so does Seunghyun. Jiyong catches himself staring at Seunghyun just the once during a stop at a traffic light junction. He shakes his head and resumes his journey.

From the moment Seunghyun and Yuna leave the car right up until they enter their home, Jiyong allows the tears to fall. He’s thankful for sunglasses because for one ephemeral moment Seunghyun stares at Jiyong, however his eyes aren’t under the guise of some shades. Jiyong will always remember the image of those swollen honey eyes, pursed lips and agonisingly furrowed brows. He loses it, clutches onto the steering wheel and presses his forehead against his hands. It’s so desperately frustrating how Seunghyun can’t see how wonderful he is. Jiyong strikes at the steering wheel, swears and curses until his voice is hoarse.  When the last of his heated energy diminishes Jiyong starts the car up again, he drives home slowly because it’s dangerous from the tears which blur his vision and soon enough he stops once again in his sister’s drive.

He doesn’t ever remember how he entered the house and ended up in his bed. All Jiyong remembers is how much he cried that night.

Seunghyun closes the door and leans against it, a few head bashes later Yuna’s kicking and screaming again. She picks her toys up, throws them across the room, never once stopping to breathe. Her face is red, tears and snot collect underneath her nose and Seunghyun slams a fist against the door.

“YUNA-AH GO TO YOUR ROOM!” He screams so loudly that Yuna just bursts into more tears, she sits on the floor in a sulk and Seunghyun snaps. After storming across their living room he picks Yuna up by the arm, drags her towards her own room and nearly throws her towards the bed. “JUST STAY IN HERE AND GO TO SLEEP!” Seunghyun bellows again, Yuna stumbles onto the bed and stares at her father.

For the very first time in her life she looks hurt, terrified. Of course Seunghyun’s heart softens at the sight, he sighs and wipes his eyes on his sleeves. Wait, he’s still wearing Jiyong’s shirt….

“Yuna, my love...” Seunghyun tries again, lowering his voice so that it’s almost too delicate for the air which separates them. “I’m sorry.” He takes a couple of steps towards her but she shrinks away, it’s then he freezes. “Did I- Are you hurt?” Yuna shakes her head, though she holds the arm in which Seunghyun touched. He stares down at his hands, they’re shaking and he feels sick. “I’m so sorry baby.” He hangs his head in shame, dropping to his knees in front of her. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I couldn’t give you wanted and I’m sorry I failed you.” With his palms pressed to the floor Seunghyun cries again, there is so much unhappiness he never knew he carried that it’s just too overwhelming. “I’m a monster.” He remarks inconsolably.

It’s just too much… Too much of everything…  Like, he was never supposed to live, feel, this way.

“Daddy...” Yuna’s gentle voice breaks that train of thought and Seunghyun raises his head slightly. “You can’t be a monster because you don’t live under my bed.” And it’s then Yuna giggles, tugs her sleeve up and wipes her father’s cheeks. He’s stunned, rendered completely speechless. “Mucky daddy, make you pretty again.” Her giggles die down when she holds her sleeve over her father’s nose. “Blow daddy, ewy boogers.” Seunghyun shakes his head, smiling again.

“Daddy doesn’t want to make your precious sweater dirty.” He lifts his hands from the floor and cradles his daughter’s beautiful face. “I love you and I’m so sorry for shouting at you, can you forgive me?” Yuna stares back at Seunghyun, her eyes hold a similar expression to that of her father’s yet he can’t place it, he just recognises it.

“Love you too daddy. Can we have hot chocolate?” Seunghyun chuckles at her question, sniffles and wipes his eyes.

“Hot chocolate makes everything better right?” He asks which Yuna instantly nods to.

“And Nemo?” She adds with a cheeky grin.

“And Nemo.” Seunghyun repeats with a slight smile. He pulls her in for a hug then scoops her off the ground. “What does Nemo do baby?” Seunghyun asks as he balances Yuna on his hip and heads towards the kitchen. She stretches her arms out, yelling excitedly.

“Swimming!!”

“Yes he swims.” Seunghyun laughs but gives her a congratulatory kiss anyway. When they reach the kitchen he sets about boiling the milk, leaving it for a moment so that he can wipe both of their faces clean with some kitchen roll. Yuna snatches a piece from him, she looks determined to blow her daddy’s nose.

“Tissue!” Yuna giggles when Seunghyun rolls his eyes and says,

“Come on then.” She lifts the tissue higher so that he can blow into it a little.

“Better?” Yuna’s face scrunches up as she curls the tissue up in her tiny fist and she asks in exactly the same tone Seunghyun would use for her. He takes the tissue from her, dumping it into the bin before he replies with a dreary nod.

“Better.” It’s the first and only lie that he’s ever told his daughter. She smiles at that and rests her head on Seunghyun’s shoulder, silently her thumb and watching whilst her daddy makes two steaming mugs of hot chocolate. As soon as that’s done (and loaded up with whipped cream) the two snuggle up on the couch underneath a plush blanket. This is all Seunghyun needs, he reassures himself, because it’s not about his ex-wife no. The truth is this is about Jiyong. It’s about not being able to handle another walkaway, a person that Seunghyun loves so much he doesn’t know what he’ll do if Jiyong ever packs up and leaves him.

It’s why Seunghyun would rather cut his own heart out than allow another person to do it. Surely that should show Jiyong how much Seunghyun does care for himself. It’s not a sign of weakness, of disgust, but instead it’s a strength, a way of protection.

And Seunghyun not only needs to protect himself, he needs to protect his daughter too. They’ve only had one date and Jiyong confessed. If he loves me he won’t stop. Seunghyun reassures himself, resting the side of his head against the top of Yuna’s.