〈 S 〉 — ZBabyz
〈 PARADISE REVIEW SHOP 〉 — closed // hiring
PARADISE REVIEW
SHOP
Firstly, I have to tell you that the title sounds nice, and it has that sense of appeal that draws me in. However, I do have to tell you that I have to question why you have to un-captialized the 'i' from 'is'. Well, if you take notice, many novels and books captialized all the front letterings of the title, thus I do think that you should do that. A reason why should be the neatness and arrangement, they don't look aligned and have that 'close-ness' when you don't capitalized the front letters of the words. This is my personal opinion though, it will be appreciated if you can tell me how you feel about this too!
Let's move on, I do think that the sentences found in your story were very weirdly-structure and it wasn't smooth. It did abrupt the story flow too so please take notice of your awkward sentence structures. Let me take the whole extract from your description:
What is death? Our parents, our grandparents, our society, has taught us that death is the end of life. It is the darkness that surrounds our lifes, making us scared to actually do something about it.
But how could they know? Is death the real end? Isn't there some way to withstand it?
Death, however, cannot be ignored—it is always there— even thought(though) we wish to ignore it. The last tear of life that leaves our bodies is taken by death. (Try rephrasing the sentences, something like 'the last cry of life for humans if for death'. Well, this would sound better for me as the inital sentence did sound weird and awkward if you read it several times.)
It doesn't matters(matter) who you are, where you are or how you are.( This highlighted part is just weird and I can't make any sense with it so it will be recommended if you remove it.) It just comes and takes your soul even before you can protect it. What could (can) we do? Is there a place for us?
The common answer: Heaven. Some kind of paradise after death, a place where peace rules and everything is just... fine. Heaven may be the most fake paradise, created by our minds only to picture what we wish to see in that place. It is just as simple as that: Maybe your Heaven is a Hell to me.
But being in Heaven has a cost. And Kim Taeyeon is just about to discover it.
As you can see, those are the mistakes that I spotted in the story. I recommend correcting and re-phrasing them as it was very abrupt and awkward reading the foreword due to the errors. Consider my corrections or you can change them into something better. Then, remember to read it several times so that there is no doubt 'error-free'. Try harder, I believe in you! Yes, other than that, the meaning behind this story is very interesting. I prefer stories that cover topics like the after-life and death. Well, it is an interesting plot so I really enjoyed reading the story. Great job thinking of this! Initially, to be honest, I was a bit hesistant to read a yuri story but your writing style really attracted me so good job!
For Taeyeon's characterization, I found her character very realistic. She was pictured as an emotionless and blank girl. I can totally understand that since she was being tortured by her husband for years. However, it would have been better if you could better describe the torture that she had experienced so that the readers can better connect with your characters. The torture's description was very vague so it would have been better to describe it!
I believe that you have the potential! The story is very unique thus I would hope that you can spend more time describing the scenes!
-6 Apr'14
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Reviewer's notes : I have to apologise if this was a long wait, it was taking forever because of school. I do have to apologise again if it was very harsh, I just wanted you to improve so please take it to heart and try harder! If you have the determination, you can overcome anything! Do ask if you need help in anything. Do share your opinions on this review with me! Good luck in your stories!
-Scarlett
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