First I want to comment on your plot. The story started off very intense, and I really like that. It’s a great approach when you dive right into an intense scene. It grabs the readers attention and makes them want to read more to see what happened. It’s definitely a different angle from what other writers may take. At first (After the action of the beginning chapter was over), the story seemed slow. It began to progress, however, and I was interested in reading more. You were able to make me feel upset when Kyungsoo killed Lin. For Lin’s character, I suggest you develop her a bit more so that we feel even more upset when she dies. I was on the edge of my seat during the intense/dramatic scenes. I adored the friendship between Yunnie and Kris. They give off a brother/sister aura, and I love it. You made it very clear how close they were. Kris was willing to do anything to protect her, and I loved that. So in all, I appreciated the characters. Some points I found slightly unlikely, because you hadn’t quite yet developed the character nor their relationships. It threw me off when Kris found Tao crying in the bathroom then suddenly embraces him. I found it a little strange when he started crying as well. Why was he crying? Why was Tao’s pain affecting him when he didn’t even know him? And then suddenly Tao is falling for him when they’d barely even met. You always have to remember to develop the characters and their relationships before things get too emotional. This takes time, and therefore more chapters. It might seem like a pain, but it is essential to develop the characters before you develop relationships.

On that note, the story did have a lot of interesting twists. Some I didn’t see coming, and this made a very interesting story. The plot was interesting, though it started out a little confusing. However, I was able to grasp the concept of what was going on. I was intrigued at how all the characters turned out to be intertwined with each other. Yunnie, for example, isn’t just a random servant helping hide Kris’s secret. She clearly has a bigger role. It was interesting how you placed each character into the story. It seemed well planned out, and each character was important. A few things to help you with the plot: Smoother transitions and clearer imagery. These are very important keys to help develop an excellent plot. When creating a story, it is very important to paint the story thoroughly so that the reader is easily able to picture what is happening. Transitions should be much smoother. One second Tao is running past his father’s study, then the next he is running through a grassland. It was a little jarring, and I was wondering how he got outside without going through a door. You should put in a smooth transition, as if the reader were running with the character. Your characterization also needs some work. It was difficult to picture what was going on. You seemed to constantly skip over important details that would’ve helped develop the characterization along with the story. For the majority of the story, I had to force myself to imagine where I was, what I was doing, where I was going. It shouldn't be like that. When I write, I like to think of it as a blank canvas. Yes, this may sound a bit ridiculous, but it helps me out by a lot. Then when I begin writing, I try and see it through the reader’s mind. This helps me “paint” the story. When you paint the story, the reader doesn’t have to struggle to picture what is happening. If you would work more on your characterization, your flow and plot will go far smoothly. Your readers will find it easier to picture what is going on. Your flow was also very choppy. An easy way to fix this is to create transitions and add details. Once you add these, your flow will be much simpler. 

As for the characters stories, they were very interesting. It was clear that each character played an important plot, and they added to the plot. I found it rather heartbreaking how Kris’s mother couldn’t accept the fact that he loved Tao. It was terrible how she just disowned him when she found out he loved Tao. Things started getting more intense once Xiumin showed up, and I became even more interested. However, I’d like to note that there were far too many POVs. It was very hard to keep up with who’s eyes I was looking through, even though you clearly stated it at the beginning of each chapter. You should try and clean it up a bit so that it is easy to stay inside that person’s mind. It is best to keep POVs to about one or two. Once you start bringing in more character POVs, it is very hard to follow. I understand that all characters are important, but you don’t want the reader to get confused. I counted 8 POVs, although I lost track. So, please consider narrowing it down to just two POVs. 

Now here is my opinion on some of the relationships. I found myself cringing whenever Chanyeol and Yunnie were together. I don’t like romances. This is just my opinion, but I think the romantic love between Chanyeol and Yunnie shouldn’t be (Not to mention they seemed to be very young when they were separated, and this makes the love more awkward). This also takes away from your story. It distracts the reader from your main pairing, which I’m guessing is Kris and Tao. So what is so important about Chanyeol and Yunnie’s relationship? How does it add to the story? Given that they are siblings, they should not feel this way towards each other. I saw Chanyeol as a protective brother who would give his life for his sister. This was shattered when I found out they were actually in love with each other. Plus, there is almost too much love/drama going on in the story. It’s hard to keep up with all of it.

As for your writing style, I feel like there is still room to develop. I found it somewhat vague and hard to picture. Some scenes were hard to imagine and others just didn’t make sense. The way you worded sentences and tossed in random words and foreign languages (I’ll explain further in my side notes.) made it hard to follow. Try developing your style more.

As a writer, I realize it is easy to look over grammatical mistakes. But this is why we read over our work a second, third, and fourth time. When you post something that has editorial mistakes, the reader thinks that you either rushed it or didn’t care. Readers come to respect writers who do not have any grammatical errors and they appreciate the writer’s writing style. I found numerous grammatical and punctuational mistakes. They were small and easy to fix, so slowly read over your story again so that you can fix them. As for grammar, I found it confusing the way you worded some sentences. For example, you wrote: I playfully wink at her causing her cheeks to flush and her unable to budge.” Instead, say: “I playfully wink at her. Her cheeks turn into a crimson and she appears frozen on the spot.” First thing I’d like to point out are your conjoining sentences. The very first sentence threw me off because it was way too long. This one sentence could’ve been cut up into two or even three sentences. I was confused because the sentences were choppy and hard to follow. Example: “Reaching my father’s study I do, about to open the sliding door, I hesitate at the voices inside.” Instead, you could write: “Finally making it up the stairs, I reach my father’s study. My hand on the sliding door, I freeze as I hear voices inside.” Also, I would just like to stress how important small sentences are. Make your sentences short and sweet. It’s much easier for the reader to follow. At some points, it was hard for me to picture what was going on. Some of the words clashed together and I had to read the sentence a second or third time in order to understand what was happening. Again, it would be far easier to describe a situation if you made your sentences much smaller. Try and see it from the reader’s perspective. If you are able to read it and picture it, then you are good to go. Some of the words were also missing past tense. You said ‘pass’ when you should’ve used ‘passed’. There were more simple errors like this. I believe you can easily fix it, and make it better.

Side Notes: 

Who’s eyes am I looking through?: At some point during the beginning of chapter one, you should make it clear who the character is. Have the father see him/her and shout out their name so the reader understands who exactly is telling the story. It took me a while, well into the story, to realize that I was seeing through Tao’s eyes. I felt like the first chapter was crucial to the story, but it was hard to follow given that you didn’t specify who’s point of view it was. 

Unnecessary words: I didn’t understand why you keep saying ‘I do’ or ‘I am’. I feel like it is an inappropriate use. For example, you said: “Climbing up a tall tree I do, hiding in the leaves...” You should remove ‘I do’, it throws the reader off. Other sentences that were like this: “Sitting ‘we were’ with our backs against the wall. Sniffing Zi Tao ‘is’ as he...” These really aren’t necessary and it throws the reader off. I became annoyed every time you did this, and again it ruins the reader’s emotion for the scene. Also, don’t shorten words. At one point in the story, you said convo. This breaks away from your writing style. Simply write outconversation. Don’t take shortcuts. 

Flashbacks: Instead of announcing to the reader that they are about to read a flashback, work on your transitions. Transitions are very important, and just by using a simple sentence, the reader will know that this is a flashback. Ex: “As I practice basic movements, my mind becomes flooded with something of the past.” Then go into your flashback. Again, don’t announce that the flashback has ended. Simply say “The memory fades, cruelly bringing me back to the present.” On another note, you used a flashback twice. It isn’t necessary to bring up the same flashback twice.

Show, Don’t Tell: This goes back to my “blank canvas” point. You have to paint the story for the reader. Don’t tell them what the character is doing, show them. For example, you keep saying: *Sigh* or *Gulp*. I felt like I was reading a script for a movie. Don’t tell us, show us. Simply say: Tao sighed, or Tao breathed in deeply. 

Advice: Don’t give language lesson during your story! It is a serious distraction from the plot. It is more than likely that the person reading your story does not speak the language you are portraying, and will therefore not understand it. Just plainly sayno or yes, don’t use a different language. It’s clear that you have a basic knowledge of Chinese (I’m guessing? Since I really don’t know what language this is) which is really great. But more than likely your readers won’t no more than yes, thank you, and good bye. The rest they won’t know, and it will confuse them. Not to mention when Yunnie and Tao are talking. Yunnie is speaking in Korean, and Tao is speaking in Chinese? How can they understand each other. As far as I know, Tao doesn’t know Korean. On another note, not only does the foreign words throw off your readers, so does your use of parenthesis. You wrote out the Chinese word, then you put in the english translation in parenthesis. Don’t do this. It throws off the reader.

Kudos: I thought it was interesting how you brought in characters from other countries. You didn’t just have characters from China, but also Korea. I really liked this. 

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Reviewer's notes : I apologize if I seemed to repeat myself throughout the review, but I really wanted to stress a few pointers. I hope you found my review helpful!

-19 Jan'14