Let's start with the story title, it sounds unique in a sense that 'touch screen' has not been heard in many fics so I really like it. As for the title's appeal, I will suggest using adjectives to brighten the story's atmosphere. This will be better as readers do love a more descriptive title so that they can understand a little more about the title. The next thing I have to tell you is that the story does not have a great connection with the story plot, rather than that, I found the connection a little vague as you only focused on some parts of the touch screen only for a while. Personally, for a good title, it must have a huge and visible connection with the story from the start. I do think that this title is not a suitable choice for you. In my opinion, a word or phrase connected to Hyunseung's feelings will have a even better connection compared to the current one. So, try harder in future to strive for a better title!

I have to admit that I really like the summary given at the main-page as it was short and it did not reveal the contents of the one-shot. Rather than saying that, I have to include a con in the whole story, the part where you repeated the scene where Hyunseung asked Junhyung if he was scary; it was repeated twice in the story. Personally, I don't really like parts that are repeated as they give me a sense that the author can't think of a better scene so as to repeat the same scene twice. Yes, I do have to apologise for the critical way of telling you this but I will have to tell you that I am interested in you understanding the truth rather than feeling down due to the harsh words or meaning for my words. Please take my points and advice to heart!

There are also some mistakes in the language area as the tenses are sometimes mixed up in the story. Let's have a look at them:

Hyunseung had always watched from afar.

As you can see, it should be a 'has' as the 'watched' in the sentence has already replaced the past tense for the 'has', thus it should be in present tense form. If this sounds very unclear or hazzy for you, please help yourself by searching the web for the grammar and tenses rules. By reading them, you will then have a better idea of what you are supposed to do when writing and this will help in your writing. The next thing I want to say is that you have been choosing the wrong word choice as many word choices that you have chose clashes; this will result in an awkward sentence structure. I can find many similar sentences that has the same root problem. I will choose one of the similar sentences and show you your mistakes. I can't help out with all of them as your text selection is disabled and I have to copy word to word.

Let's see:

They just kept chasing people who didn't love them. 

Personally, the word 'chasing' wasn't very suitable in this circumstances and it made the whole sentence to sound awkward and weird. Please think several times before fitting a word into the sentence. Chasing is not a suitable word as you wouldn't probably see an animal chasing after them 24/7. Yes and this made me feel very weird all over. I do think that 'pestering' will be a better word choice. The next problem was the word 'people'; it sounded very vague and out-of-place. What were you trying to say? With the example you have written in the story above that sentence, the more suitable choice should be 'their owners'. So, please think more specifically in future and tend to question yourself non-stop with the question, "Why?"

For the characterization, it was very flat and there wasn't much development actually. I can't blame you due to the story's length as it was very short. Junhyung was just a normal human being and there wasn't much about him that I can relate to. It would have been better if you could explain or elaborate more about Junhyung? The weird and unrealistic thing was how he managed to get Hyunseung's phone number. It wasn't told at all about their meeting and connection as what was told was only that Junhyung had gotten the wrong number. But this question appeared in my mind again 'How?'. 

The next unrealistiic thing I have to tell you is how Junhyung kept replying Hyunseung. If he didn't have feelings for Hyunseung, why did he reply back? Well, this sounds very unreal as normally, many people will ignore the messages of a stranger, especially when it wasn't someone that they know. I didn't understand why Junhyung even wanted to reply back to Hyunseung, he could have just said this to him: "Please do not message me again." or something similar to this.

Then, if we talk about Hyunseung, he is undescribed again. Initially, your words gave me the wrong idea of the story. I thought that he was a special being that had powers but I was wrong. He was also a human so why did you give the wrong idea to the readers? Yes, this part was indeed very confusing and messy for me. Please take note of this area and try to re-structure it. For Hyunseung, he is a broken-man and he just doesn't give a second chance to the humans out there on Earth and rather himself to be lock in misery. He doesn't believe anyone so how did his strong and cold heart waver so quickly when all they did was a small conversation? It was a bit unrealistic on how Hyunseung fell for Junhyung when Junhyung didn't talk to him much. This is a one-sided love and it is sad seeing this.

After reading the whole one-shot, I have to conclude that Hyunseung is a very stupid(sorry for the strong word used here) as he gets the wrong idea of someone when they treat him better than how he thought. Yes, so I do think that the ending of the story was wrapped very well like the ribbon of the present so great job! Normally, writers will end the ending in a very good manner but your story was what differ the uniqueness from others. Great! An ending does not mean that it always have to be happy.

- - - - - - - - - - 

Reviewer's notes : I have to apologize if this was a long wait. Thank you for requesting and your writing style is amazing. Your story plot is nice about being phone-buddies but you do have to improve on your word choice. They make your sentence sound awkward if you choose the wrong word so please think thrice before using a word. Again, thank you for requesting and I do wish that you can share with me your personal opinions and thoughts. 

-Scarlett

31 January 2014