8- I Hate This

Psychosis.

 

The nurse's office was empty when Zelo ambled in for his afternoon medication. Despite the fact that he had not eaten, seeing as his backpack which had his lunch in it had been stolen, he had promised his Hyungs that he would take his medicine, come hell or high water. As a matter of fact, the world outside could be crumbling into chaos as legions of zombies devoured the living in a gory frenzy, and Zelo would still take those pills.

Just as important was the unnerving rustling just behind his eyes. He felt the voices getting stronger with every minute, their usual cacophony muted to that of a crackling radio. The voices faded in and out in a static burst of scattered syllables.

Ze/\/\What/\/think/\/\dareyou/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

As the voices fizzled, Zelo's hands began to tremble and he searched for the "off switch" if you will. He rummaged through the lower cabinets first, noticing as he did so that there was a familiar red and black backpack sitting against the white wall. With a slight sigh of relief, he grabbed his backpack and pulled out the brown bag lunch Himchan had packed. He picked up an acidic green apple, running his fingers over the smooth peel.

Green is an interesting color, he thought. It reminded him of envy and decay, green snakes with their dripping fangs and ebony eyes… thoughtfully he took a bite, enjoying the bitter explosion on his tongue. He listened to the sounds of the school. He could hear the chatter of voices outside as they all filed to the muggy cafeteria for lunch. This noise disturbed him as it reminded him of the chaos in his head. He almost couldn't differentiate the two.

The sound of running water caught his attention too. It sounded close by, the bathroom perhaps? Maybe he wasn't as alone as he thought…

Just then, the water stopped, and Kai walked out of the bathroom, pulling his sleeves down over fresh bandages. He stopped when he saw Zelo, his harsh green eyes piercing Zelo's like syringes. "Ah… I was looking for you." He said, casting his glance to the floor. When Zelo said nothing he continued, "I found you're backpack in my homeroom. I thought you'd want it before Jongup got to it."

Zelo nodded his thanks, taking one more tart bite of his apple. The color closely matched Kai's eyes. Kai shifted his feet and walked in front of Zelo. He sat down quietly and continued to stare.

The voices came to the sound of a hushed conversation:

What do you think you're staring at? Go shred yourself to pieces you foolish, worthless excuse for a human being! Don't stare at us, don'tstarequitstaringquitstaringQuitstaringatus!

In fear, Zelo tossed the apple back in the bag and bounded over to the cabinets, opening one after another without closing the last. Where is it? Where is it?

"It should be in the last cabinet. That's where they keep personal medications." Offered Kai, quietly.

"Oh." Zelo quickly flipped open the door grabbing the familiar fluorescent orange cylinder and snapping off the cap. He took the bitter pills and knocked them back quickly, feeling the voices grudgingly stitch their mouths shut, murmuring death threats. A shudder slipped through him and he sat down, fishing his apple out of the bag again.

Kai sat quietly, running his fingers over the ugly puckered scars that marred his arms. There were some that were still oozing blood. Zelo's eyes unwillingly raked the scars, so like his own. "Have you ever considered this?" Kai asked, his eyes suddenly bright and alert, the green centers flashing eerily under the lights of the school.

"No…" Zelo said softly. "It would upset my siblings." Kai's mouth tightened a bit.

"Oh." He picked at a newly formed scab, clenching his teeth a bit when the scab gave. Bright red oozed out, it looked somewhat… inviting to Zelo.

Kai noticed, a sly smirk playing around his pierced lips. "Here." He handed Zelo a wicked looking razor. "It's clean. Just in case." Zelo took it, not sure what to say. He slipped it in his backpack, wondering why Kai was doing this.

"Oh… and just so you know," continued Kai. "Sulyeon… she was mine first. It's her fault that I do this. She'll do it to you, too."

Zelo said nothing.

"Did you hear me?" he asked, trembling slightly. Zelo nodded. "Well, then answer." he commanded, watching as Zelo's posture, face, eyes, everything hardened.

"No. It isn't her fault. She tried her hardest to help you. Or don't you remember?" he tapped his forehead, where the ugly scar still lay, coiling thickly at the top and tapering just under his eye. Kai's mouth fixed in a hard grimace.

"More importantly," continued Zelo. "She doesn't belong to anyone. You may have loved her once. But that's over." Kai jumped up, grabbing Zelo by the front of his shirt.

"Shut up! You don't know anything about love!" He shook him slightly. "Having it tattooed on your UGLY FACE doesn't mean a thing! Do you hear me?" Zelo slowly, gently untangled Kai's hands from his shirt.

"I do. I know what love means. My Hyungs love me and I love them with all my heart. I love Sulyeon, and I'm fairly certain that she loves me. Either way, I still know what love is, but I'm fully aware of what hatred is. That's what your clinging to."

Kai, trembling and silent, flicked Zelo's scar, as he had so long ago. "I hate you."

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Later that day, Zelo and Sulyeon walked together down the sidewalk in the direction of his house. There were plans for Himchan and Daehyun to go over to Sulyeons' house with him and have dinner with her dad. He held her hand the soft white skin under his thumb, feeling a weak buzz in his head. The voices obviously did not approve.

Along with that, Zelo's indignation at Kai's statement two or three hours earlier still rattled in his mind. She's mine. He thought. It surprised him that he was capable of such a thought, considering his pious response to Kai. He was such a hypocrite... it made him sick. Sulyeon smiled at him from under her thin almost white hair, pulling her hand out of his.

His hand hung limply for a moment before grabbing it again. She looked at him in surprise. "I…" he couldn't figure out what to say. It embarrassed him that he felt this desperation just to hold her hand. His face flushed, and his mouth twitched slightly. She smiled again.

"Don't worry, I was just checking my phone." She put her hand back in his, squeezing it affectionately. Her eyes were a pretty hazel, he observed. It reminded him of an autumns leaves, sad and lonely, but beautiful. He pulled her close, kissing her forehead as these alien feelings overtook him.

Just then, two annoying voices appeared behind them.

"Ew, Tiffany, I think I smell puke." A Barbie like hair dyed blonde and her red headed friend had come up behind the couple and begun following them.

Zelo moved his arm around Sulyeons' shoulders, inhaling the sweet scent of her shampoo and body spray. She smelled like brown sugar and vanilla.

"Well, Jessica, what do you expect? Some people just have no self-control. She could try not to take up the whole sidewalk." Zelo felt Sulyeon tighten her grip on his hand. However, she did not answer.

There was a weak chuckle of laughter in Zelo's head. Yongguk shushed them, wanting to listen… or maybe it was the pills. Zelo couldn't tell. He looked at Sulyeon and thought that she could stand to gain another ten pounds. She was trying though, that's what mattered. Her pretty eyes looked very somber and wet just then. He brushed away a fresh tear with his rough thumb.

"So… Sulyeon, how much ipecac does it take to make you puke? Probably a whole case by now, huh?" she laughed. Still, Sulyeon did not deign to answer. She kept her eyes forward, her pale face was flushing, and her lower lip was crunched between her teeth. Zelo watched her cautiously.

"Wow, Jessica, not only is she the ugliest girl in the school, she's deaf too." Sulyeon gave a little cough. Zelo stopped walking and pressed both palms to the sides of her face. He tried to comfort her, but she shook him off, covering for a moment, shivering slightly.

"You're beautiful." said Zelo, softly. She shook her head violently, clutching both hands to her stomach and walking to the sidewalk.

She started shaking and dropped to her knees. "I'm going to be sick." She whispered, the food in her stomach felt so heavy. She felt so heavy. She felt her insides lurch and she tried to stop it, but it didn't work.

She retched, her lunch dropping wetly on the grass: a bile colored rain to the side of the road. Tears streamed down her face, and her stomach heaved again.

Zelo stared accusingly at the two girls. "Was it fun?" he asked, his face passive.

The two girls left, in silence, but clearly disturbed by the implications of what they had done.

Zelo turned his attention back to Lotus. "I'm sorry." She whimpered, running her hands over her streaming eyes. "I'm so sorry."

Zelo said nothing, he helped her up, and pressed his lips to hers, tasting the sour evidence of her psychosis. "I hate this." She whispered, leaning her head against his chest.

He did too.

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Later that night, after dinner, which was a great success, Zelo sat in his room, examining the silver razor that Kai had handed him. He ran his finger lightly along the edge feeling the sting of his finger splitting slightly at the tip. A drop of blood crept to the surface and he stuck it in his mouth.

"It tastes like iron." He said to no one in particular.

 

 

 

I think this chapter is kind of off, but... it is important. If you think you can tell me why, go ahead and try.

 

-Serenity

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StillMeadows #1
Chapter 16: Omg. This story was really well written compared to most of the stories I've read so far. Bravo! lol
You're a good writer. :)
StillMeadows #2
Chapter 11: Hellooo. I know this is really late, but I do believe this chapter should be changed to mature. Just this chapter, for now. :)
shoujo
#3
Chapter 16: That was a great way to end the story. o3o I thought Zelo would die, or something like that.
JummieSmiley #4
Chapter 16: Author-nim I admire your way of writing! I even cried at times! This is one of the best fanfics I have ever read. Thank you!
MiYoung95
#5
Chapter 16: Aaahh!!! ^^ a happy ending :3
itsayazelo #6
Chapter 16: Loved it ♥
I'm happy that Zelo was safe !
Wish to read more Bap stories from you! ♥
MiYoung95
#7
Chapter 12: Oh my!! :| kai...what are you doing? What are you plotting?! Aaah!! Don't hurt Zelo!!
itsayazelo #8
Chapter 12: I'm glad you updated! Waaaaaah ♥
MiYoung95
#9
Chapter 11: This was good :3 I love the allusions but I don't think you need to rate it M ;) not yet xD