He hated him, but at the same time he loved him. The one to make his blood stir with anger, passion, and most of all love. The bouncy boy had brought his life to a high that he had never felt before, only to come crashing down because of him, Lee Changsun. 

    Changsun wasn’t oblivious to the maknae slowly falling into depression because of him. He wasn't ignorant enough to believe that it wasn't his fault, to not see the vertical cuts that started to litter the maknae’s thighs, similar to his own. He knew how much he had killed the maknae. Yet, he continued to do what he had done for most of his life. It was what kept him safe and protected.

    Then Sanghyun had taken his beautiful lover for his own, something that ate away at him. Changsun wanted the maknae for his own, but he knew that he could never take good care of the broken heart that he had a part in breaking. Sanghyun did everything he could to help the broken boy. He endured the hospital visits they feared equally, holding the maknae’s shaking hand with his equally quivering hand.

    Still Changsun wanted Cheolyong for his own, he wanted to be the one to caress his hand, kiss his fears away, and promise forever but he had lost that chance. But it didn't stop him from wanting what was once his, back. He loved Cheolyong, everything about him made him lovable. The floppy locks, his laugh when he was nervous, his kisses- 

    Changsun exhales and takes deep breaths as tears threaten to spill from his eyes. He grabs around his bedside to find the knife, he pulls down his boxers to reveal beaten and scarred legs. He begins to cut, tears streaming down his face as each memory starts to stream through his mind. His phone rings through his haze, he glances over to see a familiar caller ID. The knife is wiped clean and placed back at his bed side. He quickly grabs gauze, wrapping up the incisions he had just made. 

    Changsun quickly pulls on a pair of pants, wincing slightly at the brush of the cuts against the jeans. Grabbing his keys, a coat, and his wallet he makes his way to the door only to be greeted by a tired looking Sanghyun. 

    “Changsun,” greets Sanghyun his voice hard. Changsun nods in acknowledgment and walks towards the door. “You hurt him you know,” Sanghyun says as Changsun walks to the exit. Sanghyun blocking Changsun’s exit by stepping in front of him. “You’re running away to someone else to solve your problems,” says Sanghyun.

    “You don’t understand Sanghyun,” Changsun says tiredly, wanting nothing more to go the welcome refuge and pattern he knows well.

    “What don’t I understand about how you broke Cheolyong?” says Sanghyun.

    “Please just let me go Sanghyun.”

    “Pleading now? Are you that eager to run away from all your problems Changsu hyung? Is it that easy for you to ignore everything that you’ve done?”

    “Don’t start a fight Sanghyun,” Changsun warns him, his patience wearing thin.

    “Changsun you hurt him so much,” says Sanghyun.

    “You think I don't know that Sanghyun?” Changsun snaps at the younger.

    “Well, you did a great job making his life worse today,” says Sanghyun.

    “What do you want me to do, turn around and congratulate him after we’ve been over for a little less than a month? You expect me to turn to him, opened armed and say that its all my fault, I love you, and I’ve changed completely. You expect me to feed him a bunch of so that he feels better. Well, guess what Sanghyun, the world doesn't revolve around only him. It may have for me at one point, but I need to fix myself before I can go around committing to people,” says Changsun.

    “You could at least own up to the baby,” says Sanghyun angrily, “what is he supposed to do when the baby daddy doesn't even acknowledge the child?”

    “Do you honestly think that if I confessed that it was my fault and the baby is mine that it would make him feel any better?”

    “It would give him closure and allow him space to heal,” Sanghyun argues back.

    “If your idea of closure is that, then you’re mistaken that it’ll help him heal. It’ll throw him into more turmoil, and finding out that I knew would make him more confused.”

    “He had a panic attack and asked for a knife again,” Sanghyun says quietly and moves out of the way.

    Changsun quickly pulls on his shoes and exits. A rush of cold air greets him as he steps outside. As the door behind him slams shut, Changsun exhales and makes his way to his car.