“I’m sorry it had to be this way.”

Jinki shook his head as he settled onto his seat. They were currently in Jonghyun’s car, which was parked on a hidden curve along Han River. The tinted windows were rolled up and the lights were turned off, the only thing making them able to see each other and their surroundings was the moonlight. “It’s alright,” he said, smiling but unsure if Jonghyun could see his face. “I know your circumstances.”

Jonghyun sighed and pulled something from the backseat. “I wanted to treat you to something nicer, really. Last time we sat on the stairs and now we’re talking in my car.” Jinki could tell Jonghyun was hiding his embarrassment. “But at least you drink beer, right?”

“I do,” Jinki said, smiling as he accepted the beer. There was a bit of light and he saw Jonghyun’s surprised face. “Is something wrong?”

“No, I…” Jonghyun rubbed the bridge of his nose as he looked away. “It’s just that when you smile…”

Jinki almost dropped his beer as he placed a hand on his cheek. “My smile? My mother used to say I smile like an idiot…”

Jonghyun laughed and waved his hand. “No, no, you don’t look like an idiot, Jinki!” He placed a hand over Jinki’s on his cheek. “Do you know that you have pretty eyes?” Jonghyun asked, voice dropping lower. “Like, when you smile they turn up and become small and…” Both of them held breaths before Jonghyun broke away with a nervous laugh. “What am I saying…”

They decided to just busy themselves with eating squid strands and drinking beer as they waited for the redness on their faces to subside.

“May I ask something?” Jonghyun suddenly said while chewing on a squid. “What is your favourite SHINE song?”

Jinki took a sip of his drink before replying. “I like everything.”

“Choose just one.” Jonghyun leaned towards Jinki, leaning against his headrest as he watched his fan think. “Just one would do.”

Jinki met Jonghyun’s eyes for a bit, but he found out that his gaze had the same effect even in the dark. “I guess, um, Honesty.”

“Oh, that one. We wrote it for the fans.” Jonghyun turned his CD player on and pressed the track for Honesty. The familiar acoustic melody filled the car.

“I think it’s a very sincere song,” Jinki said. He smiled as Jonghyun sang softly with the song, humming the high parts and the rap parts. Jinki laughed and joined in, singing the lines the others sang but stopping when it came to Jonghyun’s lines. “Oh, this is my favorite part,” Jinki said, chuckling.
 

He swayed his head with the music as he sang, not noticing how Jonghyun stared at him with wide eyes. The song ended and Jinki laughed. “Haha, sorry, I got carried away. I always get carried away with this song. I think it’s wonderful how you composed it…um, what’s wrong?”

Jonghyun just stared at Jinki, eyes wide with a hint of a smile on his face. “Yah, Lee Jinki.”

“Wh—what is it?”

“You sing?”

Jinki blinked. “I, I guess I do? I am not very good but I like singing.” He was taken aback when Jonghyun grabbed both of his hands. “J-jonghyun-ssi…”

“Will you believe me when I say that you have the most wonderful voice I’ve ever heard?”

Jinki felt his hands being squeezed hard to the point that it was slightly painful. “I...I should be saying that to you, Jonghyun-ssi.”

“I'm not kidding! You sound amazing!”

“But...I...Do I really?”

Jonghyun sighed and let go of Jinki's hands, running fingers through his hair as he settled back into his seat. “God, Jinki. Why are you so fascinating?” He gripped his steering wheel again and laughed. “Why do you do this to me?”

“Do...what?”

Jonghyun never answered, opting to just stay silent for a bit then talk about a new topic right after. Jinki never knew what he did to Jonghyun, but he perfectly knew what Jonghyun did to him, for his hands were still shaking, eyes were still shining, and heart was beating frantically even hours after he got home when the sun was already rising.

“Oppa, are you even listening to me?!”

Jinki woke up from his stupor. “Y-yes, I am.”

Eunji moved to touch Jinki's forehead. “Are you alright? You look exhausted these days.” When Jinki shook his head and smiled, his cousin just huffed. “I told you having a site would be a stressful thing, but you didn't listen. It hurts even more if you pay for everything and you don't have a site fund.”

“I know...” And Jinki did know. His cousin warned him before he opened his site. He spent a lot of money, time, and effort buying merchandise and equipment, going to events, and maintaining the site. He didn't want to sell photobooks or calendars like other sites, mainly because of guilt that he's leeching off them when the only he did was take pictures. It might be selfish, but he also didn't want to take other people's contribution for things he do for Jonghyun.

“Oh, it's starting!” Eunji cooed as SHINE came up on TV. They were watching a variety show with SHINE as guests. Eunji had called Jinki that morning to tell him, although he already knew. Jonghyun told him the night before.

The meetups with Jonghyun had become a regular part of Jinki's routine. It was a bit inconvenient at first, for they had to meet in the wee hours of the night or early morning at the weirdest places. They could only meet for a few hours, usually only for a small meal Jonghyun or Jinki brought. But they talked about a lot of things—about Jonghyun's worries in performing and compositions and his dreams, and Jinki's family and hobbies and favorite things. It had only been a few weeks, but Jinki felt like they were already close friends. Sure, he blushed quite a lot whenever their fingertips brushed or when Jonghyun studied him with a fascinated gaze. But he realized an important thing: he didn't like Jonghyun for his voice or face only. He had started falling for Jonghyun as a person.

“If you are to date someone from SHINE,” the MC of the show said, “who would it be? Let's start with Jonghyun-ssi.”

Jinki smiled at the TV as the camera zoomed Jonghyun's grinning face. “Uh, It'll definitely be Key. Because we're compatible.” The camera panned towards Key who was covering his face, acting all surprised and unbelieving.

Jinki almost jumped up when his cousin screamed. “What is wrong with you?!”

Eunji was tittering in her seat, squeeing. “Eeeee, they're so cute, aren't they?! I ship Jongkey so much!!!”

“Jongkey?”

His cousin stared at him. “Oh, you don't know about OTPs yet, huh?”

“OTPs?”

Eunji coughed a bit and sat cross-legged on the couch. “See, some SHINE fans, like me, we like to ship members with each other.” When Jinki gave her a blank face, she sighed. “I mean, we like to imagine that some members are in a relationship.”

“Why?” Jinki wanted to know.

“Because it's fun??” Eunji appeared cross. “Like me. I like seeing Jonghyun and Key flirting with each other. So I ship JongKey.” She pointed towards the TV. “Just now, that's a JongKey moment. See how Jonghyun said his ideal type in SHINE is Key? It's so cuuuuuute!”

Jinki nodded, trying to absorb this new information. “Do they flirt with each other all the time?” he asked, eyes trained on the TV.

“Well, most of the time, it's just fanservice...” Jinki gave her another confused look, “I mean, acting for the sake of the fans,” she hastily explained. “But since they're all close, there are moments wherein they touch each other without noticing it. Jonghyun especially likes skinship, so you'll always find him embracing some member or touching them all over and...” Jinki watched his cousin come undone and roll on the couch uselessly.

“I see.” Jinki stared at the screen, watching SHINE laugh at themselves as if they were in some gag show. “Then, do you also ship Minho and Taemin?” he asked, pointing towards the two who were leaning against each other and laughing.

“Ew, 2min? No!!!” Eunji said, crinkling her nose. “Taemin is only mine. And I ship Minho with a girl in another group. I just like Jongkey.”

“I see...” Jinki said again, even though he didn't fully understand. Fangirls are a bit hard to understand, although he knew that the first time. He tried to make sense of Eunji's explanation, but he found it hard to do so. All he could think of was how he didn't like the way Jonghyun on TV grabbed Key by the waist to hold him close and whisper something in his ear.

“Do you really want Key as a girlfriend?”

Jonghyun almost spitted out his drink. “What?!”

Jinki tried to hide his amusement by biting his lip. “I watched your show.”

They were currently on a rooftop of some bar. The other SHINE members were partying below, but Jonghyun dragged Jinki upstairs when someone tipped them of paparazzi trying to enter the bar. It was a cool night, but not cold enough to spend indoors. Jinki gleefully drank his soda while staring at the lights of Seoul below. It was two in the morning, and he had work tomorrow, but all Jinki could think about was teasing Jonghyun.

“I didn't mean...” Jonghyun started, and Jinki just let him, hiding his laughter behind his glass. “Jinki, you know...wait, are you asking because you're jealous?”

Jinki burst out laughing, almost dropping his glass as he doubled over. “What are you talking about?” He looked up and watched Jonghyun's facial expressions change from surprise to anxiety to a bit of relief.

“I was worried!” Jonghyun complained, standing up to lean against a railing. He muttered something else under his breath, but Jinki couldn't hear it.

“Sorry, sorry, I just wanted to see your reaction when people actually ask you off camera,” Jinki said, chuckling.

Jonghyun pouted, gesturing towards Jinki with his glass. “You'd think you know by now but you're actually pretty hard to crack.”

“Know about what?” Jinki wanted to know.

Jonghyun just shrugged and swirled the drink in his glass, making the ice clink.

“Oh yeah,” Jinki said as he slowly recovered from his laughter. “I have a legitimate question then. How can you spot me in crowds every single time?” Jinki felt a bit embarrassed asking about it, but he was really curious. “I mean, you make eye contact with my camera all the time. Even though I'm far away from the stage. It's uncanny.”

Jonghyun took a sip of his drink before replying. “How can't I? I can feel your smoldering stare even from far away,” he stated with a goofy grin.

“I do not have a smoldering stare!” Jinki said, even more embarrassed. “I don't...I don't even...” he looked into his glass, not wanting to watched Jonghyun grin at him anymore, “I don't even stare that much.”

Jonghyun clicked his tongue. “You're ashamed now after asking about it?” When Jinki didn't answer, Jonghyun stretched his arms up and continued. “I look for you, that's why.”

“Why?” Jinki's eyes were suddenly back on Jonghyun, searching his face. “Why would you do that?”

“Because I want to see you?” Jonghyun replied as if it was the most normal thing in the world, making Jinki only sputter into his drink. He decided to just shut up before his heart burst from all of Jonghyun's answers.

“Jinki,” Jonghyun suddenly said after a moment of silence. “Will you sing for me?”

“W-why so suddenly...”

Jonghyun approached Jinki and placed his hands under the other guy's arms to lift Jinki to his feet. “I told you. I love your voice.”

“I can't...I can't sing in front of people.” Jinki said, suddenly feeling small. He could only look at his feet as Jonghyun stared at him. “I get nervous and I forget my lines.”

“I'm not even 'people', Jinki,” Jonghyun said. “You sing really beautifully and you overflow with emotions. How come you don't want people to hear your voice?”

Jinki only sighed, prodding the cement with his feet as he refused to look up. He shivered a bit, but it could be because the night was getting cold, not because of his idol singer holding his shoulders tightly.

“I have an idea,” Jonghyun said. He untied his scarf and folded it. Turning Jinki around and ignoring his yelp of surprise, he brought the scarf over Jinki's eyes.

“What...what are you doing?!” Jinki exclaimed, the scarf obscuring his vision.

“You said you don't want to perform in front of anyone,” Jonghyun said, his voice breathy against Jinki's ear. “So just pretend I'm not here and sing.” Jinki felt the tug of a knot and the scarf was positioned securely above his eyes. “It's like you're all alone now. I'll be quiet so just sing.”

“Jonghyun...” Jinki called, unsure. “I'm not sure...”

He shivered when Jonghyun spoke into his ear again. He liked how Jonghyun's voice was so powerful and steady when singing, but so gentle and breathy when speaking. “I'll pretend that I'm not here, but please sing for me. Sing something that you can dedicate to me, something like that. Sing to speak to me, Jinki. And only to me.”

Jonghyun's touch and voice were gone in an instant, and Jinki was left standing alone without knowing where anything or anyone was. The beat of the music below as well as the Seoul traffic were muffled by the scarf, and somehow, Jinki felt calm.

“Okay,” he whispered as he stood up straight. He thought of a song that he could sing. That he could dedicate to Jonghyun. And somehow, a particular song came to mind. It wasn't a SHINE song, and it was pretty old. But Jinki had loved it since he heard it in some drama, and he thought it was fitting.

He opened his mouth to sing, and oh the freedom he felt was unreal. Without his vision, he could see the lyrics in his mind, various scenes flashing before his eyes. Then, in his mind he could see Jonghyun even though his eyes couldn't, and he sang to that image, pouring everything he could into the song.

He could feel stinging in his eyes and his voice wavered a bit. He didn't know there could be so much emotion from just singing a song. Listening to a song and getting touched by it was one thing, but delivering a song and feeling it was another exhilarating thing. It was magical, and Jinki never thought he would be able to sing this well. It was because he was singing for Jonghyun. It was because it's Jonghyun.

Jinki's voice faded as the song ended, and he could feel tears prickling in his eyes. He let out a shaky breath, waiting for Jonghyun's verdict. But before he could call Jonghyun's name out, he felt the other guy standing before him, their rapid breathing almost in sync.



“Jong...hyun...” he shakily called.



Suddenly, he felt a hot stream of air as Jonghyun leaned forward, one of his hands cradling Jinki's chin. Jinki held his breath, unable to speak or move or even see. Jonghyun's voice was merely a whisper when he spoke.



“I love you, too, Lee Jinki.”



Jinki's tears soaked the scarf as he felt the warm press of lips against his.