Unnie, where do you get such amazing shots?!?!

Hello! I just want to ask where the shot with Jonghyun-oppa walking towards the red car was taken? Is it from an event or recording? It's because the other sites don't seem to have it and I'm curious!!

Uuuuu, thanks so much for having wonderful photos of Oppa! Your site is daebak!

Hi. This is xxx from the Jonghyun fansite xxx. I wrote to ask if you'd like to participate in a support gifting event for Jonghyun next month. It's an event for all of Jonghyun's fansites to collect gifts and send them to him. As my site is the one in charge of organizing this year, I'd like to invite you to join us! If you're interested, please go to the cafe near xxx at 3 PM on Saturday so we can discuss! The gifts should be sent to my address (in the site) with proper name and notes. I hope you can come, unnie! – xx
 

Jinki closed his inbox, fingers trembling. The e-mails to him just wouldn't stop even though it had been months since he opened his site. He didn't know how to reply to them so sometimes he ended up not sending an answer at all. Sighing, he rolled onto his bed, staring at the ceiling.

It had been six months since Jinki became a fan of SHINE, well, specifically of Kim Jonghyun. He had gone to almost all of their events in Seoul and had watched almost all of their guestings on TV. He had shelled out money to buy their merchandise. Four CDs, two DVDs, and three photobooks later, Jinki realized that he had gone deep into SHINE, especially Kim Jonghyun.

Rolling to his side, Jinki found himself looking at his CD player. After a bit of thought, he got up and slid a CD into it. A familiar melody floated through the room, and Jinki found himself humming along, only to stop when a certain part came. He couldn't skip listening to Jonghyun's lines, after all.

He still couldn't quite understand why he was pulled into liking Jonghyun, to be honest. It was normal for him to like singers and their songs, but it wasn't normal for him to like them this much! At every performance he watched, he still found exhilaration rushing through him whenever Jonghyun started to sing. He could still feel tingling nervous energy whenever Jonghyun did that dance step that made everyone squeal. It didn't matter if it was the same song they were promoting over and over—for Jinki it was like a whole new experience every single time. Why did it feel like this? Jinki wanted to ask his cousin, but it was a bit embarrassing. He was twenty-four years old and god, he's still giddy over a boy band member?! It didn't help that he even had a fansite of Jonghyun.

Ah, his fansite. It had only been running for five months, but it had grown immensely popular in the fandom. For one, no one knew who was running it. Jinki received tons of e-mails asking who he was and if was willing to meet up with other Jonghyun fansite owners, yet everyone who asked him were left with more questions, especially since he rarely replied. He had also been subtly invited to participate in support meals and support gifting and other events, but he never came. He didn't think it was necessary for other fans to find out that Jonghyunited's site master was a guy.

Despite his no-show, however, Jinki didn't want them to think that he was a snob. So he always made sure he sent his contribution to whatever site was organizing at event, usually by stealthily leaving it on the venue or by messenger/mail. He never asked his cousin to hand-deliver for him in case she got questioned. He wanted Jonghyunited to remain an enigma, although he didn't expect that it would add up to his site's popularity.

Speaking of support gifting...



Hello, this is Jonghyunited. I will send my gift by mail. May I please know the address? Thank you.

Jinki studied the “gift” he'd send for the support gifting for Jonghyun. It was a book on Japanese poetry. He had learned from watching one of Jonghyun's variety shows that the man was interested in history and culture a lot, and since he was also performing in Japan, Jinki thought the best gift would be some helpful reading. It was a book he picked up during work and he loved it. He just didn't know if Jonghyun will.

He read the other mail in his inbox and sighed. Another reason why his site was so popular was because of the rare, HQ shots. Some of the pictures were only found in his site and nowhere else. Coverage of events held for a limited audience, photos of Jonghyun walking in some unknown place, shots of filming in secret locations not even paparazzi knew of. Questions flooded Jinki's inbox everyday from curious fans who wanted to know where he got such beautiful exclusive photos. Yet not one of them received a reply. It wasn't that Jinki didn't want to reply. It was just that he couldn't.


Why weren't u in the outdoor concert? :( I didn't see u.

Oh, good afternoon! I'm sorry. I had work during that time. I'm very sorry.

It's ok. I hope work's ok. BTW, we have a mini show for critics and producers next week. Do u know? I already left instructions to register u so u'll get in. Just show them an ID and...

Jinki sighed as he read the rest of the message. This was the reason why he couldn't tell people about the exclusive photos.

Jonghyun had taken a liking to telling Jinki every single activity they had, be it open for public or not, and making adjustments so Jinki could enter the venue. He only had to show an ID to the registration booth and he'd be allowed to enter by the organizers without even batting an eyelash. He wasn't really about to let opportunities like such pass by, but sometimes he wondered if this was even a normal thing.

He asked Eunji about it one time, if it was normal for idols themselves to invite a fan specially to an event. His cousin looked at him as if he grew horns overnight. Every single fancam is blood and sweat of the site owner, Eunji had said, and she hadn't heard of any case wherein SHINE gave special treatment to just one fan. It was apparently a dangerous move and could cause other fans to hate on the one who got VIP treatment. Jinki didn't quite understand, but he still decided to be cautious just in case.

Which was why Jinki went to events wearing a dark jacket and glasses and a dull-colored cap. He had learned that wearing dull colors helped avert attention away from a person, so he often wore grey or ash blue or brown. He used a small but powerful camera with lenses that didn't shout “fancam noona/hyung”, trying to be subtle every time he took photos. It worked most of the time, with only minimal instances wherein fancam noonas beside him looked at him curiously, but mostly ignored him.

Despite his disguise, however, Jonghyun always managed to find him that it bothered him. The singer could even spot him in open concerts where there are large crowds. Jinki would be inconspicuous one moment, taking photos with a small camera, and suddenly Jonghyun's eyes would meet his through the lens, the singer either smiling or mouthing an “Annyeong” to him. It was a real mystery, really, although he felt honored every time Jonghyun acknowledged him in the crowd.

 

Next week came, and Jinki had to ditch work to attend another event. This event was for a limited audience again, with only a handful of fans able to attend through a lottery. There was a long line for the admission, although Jinki only had to flash his ID again and the organizer readily handed him the programme. It was too easy, Jinki thought, but he wasn't about to let any chance of watching SHINE—of watching Jonghyun sing—pass.

He settled for a seat at the back and watched SHINE occupy the stage. He could feel the familiar tingle in his hands like always. After a few months of taking pictures, Jinki had learned how to be a natural. Readying his camera and checking that he turned the flash off, he took a more comfortable posture and the pictures automatically took themselves.

He let his finger do the picture taking while he immersed himself once more into Jonghyun's amazing singing. He never got tired of the high notes, of the breathless staccatos, of the slight lilt in the tones. The other members were also wonderful singers, but no one could sing as good as Jonghyun does.

The event ended without much ado, aside from the fact that Jonghyun found Jinki again towards the end of the show, giving the fan a slight wave and a smile. Jinki didn't understand how Jonghyun did it—he was at the back and the audience part was a bit dark. Maybe Jonghyun's contact lenses weren't just for show?

“Excuse me, but you'll have to come with us.”

Jinki whirled around, dropping his backpack as he stared at three men in suits. They were members of the security in the event. One of them picked up the bag Jinki dropped while the rest gently held him by the shoulders to veer him away from the exit. “W-what? Wait, I'm...I'm not a criminal, I'm just....”

Realizing the men wouldn't listen, Jinki just let himself be taken back into the building, worrying about what he could have possibly done to be detained. It couldn't have been illegal entry, right?

“Go on.”

Jinki stared at the security men who were walking away, leaving him standing in front of a door labeled “Dressing Room”. He had absolutely no idea why he was supposed to enter or if this meant they were detaining him in the room. Gingerly, he knocked on the door and opened it slowly.

“Oh, he's here,” someone said, and Jinki promptly dropped his bag again.

The SHINE members were in the room, probably waiting for their manager to pick them up. Taemin sat in a corner chair, concentrated on playing in his PSP. Minho sat on an arm of the couch, precariously leaning towards Key who sat on the couch itself while scanning a magazine. And Jonghyun sat by the dresser, smiling at Jinki's reflection the moment the door opened.

“Hi,” Jonghyun said, and Jinki just stared.

Key was tutting at Jonghyun. “This is why I told you not to make the security bring him! You should've just texted him or something! Look at him, he's so pale.”

“Sorry,” Minho said, addressing Jinki. “Our leader does whatever he wants without thinking of the consequences. Are you alright?”

“Shut up!” Jonghyun said as he jumped to his feet. He approached Jinki and leaned down to pick up his bag. “Are you okay?” he gently said as he handed Jinki his bag. But Jinki couldn't speak or even breathe. It had been how many months since the last time they were face to face, and Jinki didn't really made any effort to be close to the singer, even as an audience. He always stayed at the back, far from anyone's attention except Jonghyun's eyes.

There were so many thoughts in his head, but all Jinki could concentrate on was how close Jonghyun's face was to his. It was so much better than staring at a photo, for he could see everything in HQ: the chiseled jaw, the smooth skin behind the make up, the piercing eyes that seemed to bore into him, even the slight wisp of bangs over his forehead. When Jonghyun spoke, it was as if it rung through Jinki's body, no matter how gentle the singer's voice may be. At the back of Jinki's mind, he wondered if this was how being starstruck felt like.

“Yah, Jinki-ssi, are you alright?” Jonghyun shook his shoulders and woke up him from his stupor. “You're really pale. Are you sick?” The singer glared at s who were laughing uncontrollably in the background.

“Take it easy, Hyung. Any fan would be surprised to see you like that!” Minho said, and Taemin chimed in agreement.

Jinki's senses suddenly went back, and he felt the pressure on his shoulders and the weight of his bag in his hands. He took a step back and bowed deeply. “Oh, I'm really sorry. I must have had the wrong room...I was supposed...the security...”

“No, no. Hyung asked for the security to bring you here,” Taemin said, smiling. “Sorry you had to be scared like that.”

“He's not scared!” Jonghyun complained, turning back to Jinki in worry. “Were you scared?”

Jinki shook his head. “No, it's just...surprising. I don't...well, we don't usually enter backstage so...”

“It's because our leader is a spoiled brat,” Key said, not even looking up from his magazine.

“He bends the rules a lot for you,” Taemin quipped.

“He stalks you in Google, sometimes,” Minho said with a smirk.

Jinki blinked at them while Jonghyun swatted each one's arm in turn. “Yah, yah, yah! How could you ruin my name like this?!” With ears turning red, Jonghyun grabbed Jinki's arm. “Let's go talk outside before these fellows lie about things again.”

“We're not lying!” Taemin yelled as the door closed.

“Sorry, they're not usually reputation ruiners, I don't know what's going on,” Jonghyun was muttering as he dragged Jinki towards a staircase. “I just wanted to see you and since today wasn't very crowded it...”

“Why do you search for me in Google?” Jinki asked, trying to ignore the warmth holding on to his arm.

Jonghyun sighed and looked at Jinki, catching the other man unaware. “Sorry. I mean...it's just...I was curious about your handle name, you know.”

“Oh...”

“Sit.” Jonghyun sat beside Jinki on a landing, gingerly removing his hand from the latter's arm. “I'm sorry, dragging you out like this, I mean.”

Jinki looked at his lap, unable to look Jonghyun in the eye. Somehow this was very embarrassing, but Jinki couldn't help feeling thrilled by what's going on. “It's okay, I guess,” Jinki said, staring at his hands. “I'm sorry for all the trouble.”

“No, it's...it's fine.”

Jinki didn't know how long they sat there in silence before Jonghyun cleared his throat and spoke again. “Haha, this is weird. I can talk to you fine through Kakaotalk but I'm at a loss for words right now.”

They exchanged smiles, but the uncomfortable silence settled once more. Jinki wrung his hands together while Jonghyun fiddled with the edge of his shirt. They were periodically surprised by footsteps from the floor above, but the rest of the place was empty.

“Thank you, by the way,” Jinki said after a few minutes of building up courage. “I couldn't have entered the event without your...”

“Ah, it's fine,” Jonghyun said, waving a hand in good nature. “The organizers don't mind it anyway.”

“Why do you do it?” Jinki bravely asked. “I mean, inviting me a lot. I don't think you invite anyone else.” The singer seemed surprised by the question that Jinki felt guilty and took it back. “Oh, never mind. I'm sorry for asking. I should just be thankful and keep quiet. It's just that...”

“Well, of course it's because I wanted to see you. Isn't that obvious?”

Jinki hastily looked up and met Jonghyun's brown gaze, momentarily flinching at the contact. He could feel his cheeks getting warm. “You...”

“Oh yeah, I received your fan support gift, thank you!” Jonghyun quickly said after clearing his throat once more. “How did you know I like Japanese poetry?”

“I...” Jinki fumbled for words for a bit, still recovering from his initial shock. “I...watched your variety show and you said you're interested in cultural things, so I assumed...and I found the book at work and...”

“You work in a bookstore?” Jonghyun asked, interested. “That's cool!” he exclaimed when Jinki nodded. “Which bookstore?” When Jinki gave him the name and address, he looked a bit thoughtful. “That's nice,” he absently said.

“Have you...have you read it?” Jinki dared to ask once more. “I mean, it's okay if you didn't, I just wanted to know...”

“I've read half of it!” Jonghyun said with a smile. Jinki was a bit mesmerized with how easy Jonghyun's lips curled upward to reveal his pearly white teeth. “Do you know what my favorite poem is?”

Jinki sat in rapt attention and shook his head.

Jonghyun took a deep breath and closed his eyes, as if remembering the words. “My Japanese is pretty bad, but it went like this: Michinoku no / Shinobu moji-zuri / Tare yue ni / Midare-some nishi / Ware naranaku ni.” The singer looked at Jinki expectantly. “Do you know what it means?”

“No, I'm afraid I don't remember.” Jinki admitted sheepishly. The book had 100 poems and had interpretations in both Japanese and Korean. It was hard to remember whch poen was which. Jonghyun looked a bit disappointed, and Jinki was eager to make amends. “I'll...I'll look it up later at home, I promise!”

Jonghyun said, “Okay,” with a smile so sincere, Jinki felt himself smiling, too. But his smile seemed to have backfired, because Jonghyun stared at him open-mouthed.

“What...did I do something wrong?” Jinki asked, worried if he had offended Jonghyun.

“No, no!” Jonghyun said, waving his hand as he stared at Jinki. “It's just that...It's just that you smiled.”

“Huh?”

Jonghyun suddenly stood up and dusted his pants. “I have to go back now. They might be looking for me.” The singer started walking away slowly, rubbing his temple as he went.

“Okay?” Jinki said, unsure of what was happening. “Thank you for talking to me, it means a lot!”

Suddenly, Jonghyun stopped. He turned around and looked at his fan, “It means a lot to me, too,” he said before completely turning away and sprinting towards the dressing rooms.

SHINE songs blasted from Jinki's speakers as he sprawled on the bed. He was still in his clothes that he wore in the event, complete with his jacket and socks. He rolled around, wondering he just dreamt all the conversations with Jonghyun or he was hallucinating. He knew he should've eaten lunch.

But the conversation was very much real and while Jinki couldn't believe it, he could remember everything that happened, including their wonderful awkward time. Somehow he felt like laughing out loud, but he also felt like crying. He was probably going crazy, and it's the fault of that singer Kim Jonghyun.

His phone rang the telltale Kakaotalk tone and he dove for it, eager to see if it was Jonghyun. As he read the messages, his eyes grew wider and his mouth fell open once more. Really, this man never failed to surprise him.

Hi! Um, about today. I'm sorry again for being so willful. But I enjoyed our talk! It was really fun talking to you. So...I was wondering.

I was wondering if you'd like to meet again sometime later?

Tomorrow? No, tomorrow's too soon, huh. How about the day after? Are you free?

Jinki stared at the messages, trying to think of the whats and whys and hows and what to dos. Inexplicably, their talk about poems entered his mind once more. He remembered the poem Jonghyun recited and his promise to look up its meaning. He d around his desk for his own copy of the book and looked for the poem.

As he read the poem and the translation, he felt his face growing warmer and warmer to the point that he felt he was going to burst. He couldn't breathe, his heart threatening to come up to his throat. He didn't know what was happening or why it was happening. He wanted to believe that he was misunderstanding, but he couldn't. But could it be, really? Was the poem really for a fan like him?

AH! why does love distract my thoughts,
Disordering my will!
I'm like the pattern on the cloth
Of Michinoku hill,—
All in confusion still.