“Oppa! Have you checked SME’s website? You got in! Your song is going to the semifinals, isn’t it great? I guess my efforts to introduce you to an amateur mixer-composer wasn’t bad after all. Well, it’s not like he helped you do a live band, but he said you’re already decent in piano and that’s what matters, right! Anyway, let me know when you’re going to treat me! - Eunji.”


Jinki read the mail quickly and then took in a deep breath. He was probably stupid for giving in to his impulses to join the song-writing contest shoved to him by a coworker. He was probably even stupider for not accepting his coworker’s offer to pair up with a musician. He was the stupidest for trying to act independently, composing his own melody and penning his own words and trying to play it properly on the piano and then taking advantage of a kind mixer’s offer to properly arrange his composition. It was all a blur to him, actually, how he managed to do all that in a few months’ time considering his only experience in writing songs came from his emotional phase in college and from watching Jonghyun do his professional compositions. He thought he did a mediocre job, having no experience at all, but his excitement to have a bridge that would bring him closer to Jonghyun pushed him.

And now his crappy song was entering the semifinals. Jinki didn’t know if he should be happy or if he should freak out.

He followed his cousin’s advice and visited the website for the announcement, his heart almost stopping when he found his entry listed among the semifinalists. He almost smiled when he saw the name listed beside his song name—Dubu. Despite being enthusiastic to have a chance to talk to Jonghyun, Jinki didn’t have the gall to use his real name. Maybe he wouldn’t be recognized, but that was better. At least if he failed, Jonghyun wouldn’t know. Then he would have to try something else.

He scrolled down to see the details of the contest round. The criteria as well as the judges for the round were listed. Before, the judges were the in-house composers of the company. But for the finals, they invited critics and resident composers within idol groups.

Idol composers.

The judges for the final round included SHINE’s talented composer, Kim Jonghyun.

Jinki swallowed thickly. He should’ve expected it, especially since Jonghyun was regarded as one of the more talented idol composers. But he didn’t realize he was that important to be part of a judging roster! Maybe…maybe Jonghyun wouldn’t recognize his submission? Jinki hadn’t told anyone that he was entering aside from his cousin and it wasn’t as if he had subtle hints in his lyrics. But his song was crap and it was like a home recording and Jonghyun would probably be disappointed.

Raking through his hair, Jinki groaned as he rolled on the bed. He wasn’t sure if he felt nervous that Jonghyun might recognize him or that Jonghyun might think his song was bad.

His string of thoughts was interrupted by his phone ringing. He reached for it and stared at the unknown number calling him. Shrugging, he answered it without hesitation. But before he could even utter a “hello”, his voice got caught in his throat.

Soft music wafted from the other end to his ears, and Jinki recognized his own voice singing in the background. It was the song he entered in the contest. Surprise made him gasp as he strained his ears to hear anything else aside from the song and signs of breathing. Nothing else could be heard from the other line.

Jinki gripped his phone as he sat up, all the while listening to his own song playing. He knew who was calling him, but he was scared to speak first. He couldn’t explain the clenching in his chest, but all the words lay stuck on his tongue uselessly. He pressed his lips tightly, listening to the uneven breathing on the other end.

The song ended and looped and just as it started once more, he heard it. “Jinki,” came a soft voice from the other end and Jinki felt his heart almost stop, his senses opening up in recognition of the voice. He could feel the familiar knot in his stomach and the prickling in his eyes yet he kept quiet, afraid of something he couldn’t explain. The caller had only said his name, yet Jinki was sure of who it was.

There was another long silence as they listened to each other’s breathing, Jinki biting his lip as he heard occasional sniffs from the other end.

“Jinki, Jinki,” the voice called out again, so softly Jinki was almost afraid it’d disappear. There was a sniff and a slight huff. “You…used a different name and I wasn’t sure. But when I listened to the song, I knew it was you. I couldn’t not know it was you.”

Jinki’s fingers shook as his other hand rested on his lap, lips quivering as he strained to speak but found his mind empty of what he wanted to say. He remained silent, listening only to the murmurs of his name from the other end.

“I…I didn’t know you can play the piano,” the voice continued. “And I was…I was surprised that your song is really amazing and…” there was a sigh from the other end, “goddamn, Lee Jinki. I don’t even know the reason you joined the contest but I wanted the reason to be me. I was hoping you entered for me but I know it might not be because…”

Jinki held his breath.

“…because I hurt you.” There was a long exhale before the voice at the other end continued. “Because I was an idiot.”

Jinki scooted up his bed and rested his chin on his knees, one hand over his heart. The one-sided conversation was tearing him apart, but all he could do was listen.

“I’m sorry, Jinki. I thought it would be better if we’d forgotten about each other but…” There was another deep breath. “But I found out that I miss you so much it hurts. So please…”

There was a long pause and a few ragged breaths from the other end. Jinki pressed the phone on his ear so hard that the shape must’ve been embedded on his cheek but he didn’t care. He wanted to hear everything.

“…Please come back to me. Please sing only for me, Jinki.”

“It is for you,” Jinki whispered, his voice thick with emotion. “There couldn’t be any reason except for you, Kim Jonghyun.”

It only took a few seconds before Jonghyun broke down into sobs, murmurs of “I’m sorry” and “Thank you” drowning Jinki’s singing voice in the background.



—



A week after, Jinki received an email from SME.

He did not win the contest.

Apparently, they preferred a more upbeat song in order to fit their new boyband's image. The winning song would be used as the new group's debut song. Somehow, Jinki felt both relieved and sad. He wasn't expecting to win, but he was also a bit disappointed that he hadn't tried his best.

But the contest or the song itself wasn't important to Jinki anymore (even though he spent sleepless nights trying to think of a tune to his poem-turned-lyrics). His phonecall with Jonghyun was followed by more, with Jonghyun always trying to explain and apologize about what happened before. But his words turned into a maze of confessing his feelings and admitting that he was an idiot and trying to explain how he sometimes thought Jinki could read his mind but apparently not and how he was bullied by the other SHINE members because he was making life difficult for Jinki.

In the end, Jinki just laughed and gently told him to stop. The rejection, separation, forgetting--the past didn't matter at all now. Whatever happened before caused them pain, but right now it wasn't important.

What was important was that Jinki could finally hear Jonghyun's voice again.

"I'm sorry," Jonghyun was telling him on the phone. Jinki was sliding a book off his lap as he focused his attention on the phonecall. It was storming outside, and the bookstore was closed. Despite the coldness, Jinki was glad for the little break.

"It's fine, Jonghyun," Jinki stressed. Jonghyun had been apologizing to him nonstop since the last ten minutes. It seemed that the singer himself was sadder about Jinki not winning the contest than anyone else. He ranted about the producers, the new group members, and the company president who rejected Jinki's song because it was 'too tame' for a debut song. After listening to Jonghyun huff as he made indignant remarks about the judges for the final round, Jinki had to laugh. "Come on, it's not so bad. Besides I'm happy enough that I got in on my first try."

"You have a gift for writing lyrics," Jonghyun insisted. "And you have a beautiful voice. I just can't--"

"Jonghyun. It's fine. Calm down." Jinki laughed as he slumped on his couch, the cold weather making him feel lethargic.

Jinki could almost hear Jonghyun pouting from the other end of the line. "Alright. But I have a proposition to make."

"What is it?"

"I want you to work for us."

Jinki gave a start and fell off the couch, hitting the floor with a yelp. "Ow! I'm fine. What?"

There was a hint of laughter from the other side and Jinki was a bit annoyed. "Our PR agent resigned last week," Jonghyun proceeded to explain, "We're looking for someone who has no other experience in another recording company. Basically we need a greenhorn to train."

"Jonghyun, I took up literature in college. I don't know anything about music and advertising."

"Silly, that's exactly why we want someone like you. If you don't know the convoluted ways of advertising then you'll be able to write more fan-sensitive stuff. Also you get to work with our album jackets and promotional stuff." There was a clang of a door closing and Jinki wondered where the hell Jonghyun was, but before he could ask, the other continued speaking. "Please tell me you'll accept, Jinki. I already told our manager all about you."

"But..."

"And I want to use your song in our album," Jonghyun quietly continued. "I want that song for myself, Jinki. So, please."

Jinki worried his lower lip for a bit as he stared out of the window, rain and clouds obscuring his view. He never really thought of working for Jonghyun's company, and it might be a bit more troubling if he ended up being close to Jonghyun all the time. But then again, that meant he'll see the singer as much as he wanted and there was no need for them to meet up in strange places at odd times. But still...

"Will you give me time to think?" Jinki asked. "I...I want to accept but what if your fans..."

A loud knock on the door surprised Jinki. Muttering a "please wait" on his phone, he got up to peer through the peephole.

And proceeded to drop his phone on the carpet.

He unlocked the door to meet Jonghyun's smiling face and crinkling eyes, his coat soaking wet from the rain. "Hi," the singer greeted as he ended the call and slid the phone back into his pocket. "I wanted to give you time to think, but I also wanted to let you know that...that..." Jonghyun wasn't able to finish his sentence as Jinki pulled him into the room, dripping clothes and all.

Jinki sighed as he pulled the man to an embrace, the coldness of the wet clothes seeping into his pajamas but he didn't care. "Why are you wet?" Jinki murmured as he buried his face into Jonghyun's coat, eyes stinging. "Why did you walk in the rain, are you an idiot?"

Jonghyun squeezed him before letting go, holding Jinki's shoulders at arms length. He was grinning, but his eyes were b. "No, I just happened to pass by." When Jinki gave him a dirty look, Jonghyun laughed and slid his hands down from Jinki's shoulders to grasp his hands. "I mean...I wanted to see you. To tell you that..." he gripped Jinki's hands tightly, "that I've come to a realization. I don't care how fans think anymore. I don't care what anyone thinks anymore."

Jinki pressed his lips together as he stared at the familiar piercing brown gaze.

"I just want to be with you, Jinki. Is that okay?"

Swallowing a lump in his throat, Jinki stepped forward and tilted his head up, meeting Jonghyun's lips with his. As he felt his waist being encircled in a strong arm and as he closed his eyes at the sensation of Jonghyun's fingers combing into his hair, Jinki let his worries evaporate.

It was okay. It was more than okay. But he didn't need to tell Jonghyun in so many words.

Because this time, Jinki felt that he was understood.



--



"Your room is so bare," Jonghyun remarked.

He was currently in bed and wiping Jinki's hair off his sweaty forehead. The words exchanged between them for the past hours had been few, as they were both concentrated on touching, feeling the things they had missed in the time they had been apart. By the time Jinki managed to remove Jonghyun's coat, he was being half-dragged to bed and in a few moments, ravished by the singer who kept murmuring how he missed everything about Jinki. The rest of the hours went by in a blur, the overload of sensations and emotions too much for Jinki to even coherently remember until he was screaming and arching off the bed as Jonghyun seared into him all his passion and regret and affection. Once, twice, Jinki had actually lost track of how many times they connected, but the pain he felt seeping slowly in his backside was worth it.

"I boxed away all of SH...all of your things," Jinki said, voice dripping with regret as he snuggled further into the blankets.

The singer looked around, making a face at the bare walls. "I miss seeing myself on your walls," he commented with a grin. "I've never been in a fan's room before so when I first came into yours, I was really happy and flattered."

Jinki covered his face with his blanket, face red, although if it was regret or shame, he couldn't tell. "I'm sorry."

Jonghyun hushed him before pulling him closer, letting their foreheads meet as they lay side by side. "Don't be sorry. It's okay now, right?" the singer whispered as he ran a thumb down Jinki's cheek. "I'll make it up to you. I promise."

"Haven't you already made it up to me?" Jinki breathlessly said as he leaned into Jonghyun's touch. "We almost destroyed my bed."

"I haven't destroyed your other furniture yet."

"Yah!"

Jonghyun chuckled and lay on his back, staring up the ceiling as thunder rolled outside the window. Jinki watched the singer's profile for a bit, taking in the things he missed so much--the brown eyes, the long lashes, the sharp jawline, the slight pout he did when in deep thought. Suddenly, he felt anxiety welling up in his chest. "Can I really?" he whispered. Jonghyun turned to him and Jinki bit his lip. "Can I really stay with you? What if you get attacked by fans again? What if I ruin your career? What if--?"

"You're only saying what-ifs," Jonghyun answered, combing away Jinki's fringe from his face. Even when they're lying side by side, he couldn't stop his hands from touching Jinki. "I want you to be with me. And I'll make sure you'll be with me no matter what happens. If you leave me, I'll hunt you down, do you understand?"

Jinki met Jonghyun's eyes. "Aren't you scared? What if you lose fans?"

"Jinki. I'll only be scared if I lose my number one fan. I've lost him once; I'll never it happen again."

Jonghyun moved one of his hands under the blanket, searching for Jinki's. As Jinki returned the grip on his hand, he finally heaved a sigh of relief.

They could worry about anything else later. And they could worry together.

For now, Jinki just needed to worry about getting a new job.



--



"Where is your PR agent?" Jinki heard SHINE's manager bellow through the hall. "I thought he was going to cover the concert and write an article about it? "

"He's here," Taemin's lazy drawl came as he played games on his phone. "He'll reappear when the concert starts, don't worry."

The manager sighed. "I don't know why he even has to go here," he complained. "He was already busy with conceptualizing the literature of your next album with the staff and then he's also called here to cover the concert. I don't understand why he needs to come with you on location every time."

"At least you have help with attending to us," Key said nonchalantly, earning him a sharp look from the manager. "What? It is true, hyung. You have less work now because Jinki-hyung takes care of us."

The manager muttered something about how it's true that he didn't have to cook for the group but it wasn't like they hired a babysitter before walking away to check with the other managers. As he left, Taemin and Key grinned at each other and gave meaningful glances towards curtain hiding a small stairwell at the corner of the hall.

"Jonghyunnie, I have to go now. Your manager is looking for me," Jinki hissed as he tried to wrestle away from the singer's arms. He was currently standing at the bottom step of the stairwell, with Jonghyun sitting a few steps above him and conveniently burying his head on Jinki's stomach as he gripped the older man's waist. "Yah..."

"Sssh, I need my fill of energy," Jonghyun muttered, mouth full of Jinki's shirt. "It's been a while since I saw you." He let go of Jinki's shirt and looked up, making his eyes extra wide. "Give me a kiss and I'll let you go, hyung."

Jinki turned red at the request. He could hear the other artists chatting away as they passed the hidden stairwell, and he couldn't believe Jonghyun was so brave and careless as to practice skinship in such a public place. "I'll give it to you later when you're done with performing, okay?"

"No, I want it now."

Sighing as he realized he couldn't win, Jinki leaned down and gingerly pressed his lips against Jonghyun's puckered ones. But before he could let go, Jonghyun's hand was on his nape, pulling him closer as the kiss was deepened. It took a few more seconds of resisting and failing before Jinki pulled away, breathless and blushing. "You did not just..." He raked his hands through his hair. "Jonghyun, if someone sees us..."

"Nah, they won't see us here. I hired a lookout."

A string of curses erupted from behind the curtains that slowly parted to reveal Minho's head poking through the cloth. "Goddammit, hyung. Are you not done yet? Everyone's looking at me weirdly here!"

"I'm treating you to a football game so shut up!" Jonghyun said, waving off his bandmate. As Minho's sulky face retreated behind the curtains, the singer grinned at Jinki. "See?"

Jinki sighed again and reached out to fix Jonghyun's collar. "Don't bully your bandmates," he scolded. "Now that you're okay, can we leave now so I can take my seat in the audience?"

Jonghyun sulkily let go of Jinki's waist and stood up. "You'll watch until our encore, right?"

"Yes, I will," Jinki said as they left the stairwell, much to Minho's almost-exasperated relief. "You know I watch everything." He bowed a bit to the coordi-noonas as they reached SHINE's dressing room. They were hustling everyone towards the stage, which was already lit up and ready.

Jonghyun smiled. "I know. You're my number one fan, right, hyung?"

Jinki nodded, but his eyes widened when Jonghyun grabbed both of his hands. "Jonghyun..."

The singer smiled wide, eyes bright. "I'm glad you became my fan, Lee Jinki," he said as he squeeze Jinki's hands and let go. "And I'll never regret being yours."

And with a smile, Jonghyun turned around to walk towards the stage. "I'll be singing your song!" he shouted at Jinki with a wave. Then, he disappeared behind the curtains to be welcomed later by a multitude of fans from which he could've chosen anybody yet he only chose one.


His number one fan watched by the sidelines, glowing with pride. There was no need for hidden cameras anymore. No need to stolen shots and subtle smiles. There was no need to maintain a site or to show off collected autographs.


They were each other's number one fan, and that was all they needed to know.





end