When he open his eyes the first thing that he realize is the sting smell of medicine and beeping sounds from something that he know. He whimper a little in pain as his head still hurt when he try to turn it and look at his surrounding which he now the room very well. He’s in hospital, complete with the IV bag attached into his right knuckle.

“You awake Kyu?” Eunhyuk rise from his seat as he realize if his brother whimper and try to turn his head to see around.

Kyu close his eyes once again before he open it fully and look at his brother that already hold his hands “What happen hyung?”

“I’ll explain later Kyu, you better take a rest, it’s already eleven at night.”

Kyu only nods his head slowly before he start to close his eyes. He tries to remember what happen before he gets into the hospital. His head is spinning around as he tries to remember it, but then reality hit him. He remembers if he just want to visit Changmin in hospital, but then Yunho ask him to talk. He remember how suddenly his head hurt when he they talking about Heechul.

Heechul.

Kyu open his eyes fully and get into sit position in second. He feels like his head really heavy because his sudden movements which make him almost back into sleep position again. He throws the blanket that covers his body to the floor before he get into his feet.

“Kyu-ah, what’s going on!?” Eunhyuk slight panicking when he realize his brother already on his feet and struggle enough to take of the needle from his knuckle that connect into the IV bag. “Kyu!?”

Kyu not response it. He quickly takes his shoes from the corner of the room where his belongings are. With still using the hospital pajamas, Kyu take a little run outside the hospital leaving Eunhyuk behind with calling his name.

.

.

.

It’s not a good idea when you run outside only using a pajama. It’s already night and the temperature is getting low as Kyu have a run on the deserted road. He’s panting quiet hard since the cold air make his nose hurt as he try to take more oxygen from the open air. He run as he doesn’t has any destination to go. He stops on side of the road, as his right hand is on the wall try to support his body. He can see the smokes that he makes from his breath as he open his mouth to help find the oxygen. He walks like a drunk man.

He’s falling few times, three? Four? He doesn’t remember as he realize if he just a block away from his house. He gritted his teeth as to less the pain that he got from the run in his chest. He feels like he dying.

He arrived in front of his house. He look at the building that has it light off, his parents mustn’t be home at this time. He look at the window of his room on the second floor when he realize if the window is open with the light off. His expression suddenly changes like he mad and annoyed.

He walks toward the main door where it locked. Eunhyuk must bring the key with him. Kyu get around his house to the back door where it also locked. He looks at the door slowly before he turns his gaze at the window beside the door. He slowly tries to slide it to his right and it open up. It just a little space that open from the window, but thanks to his slender body, Kyu can get inside his house even with a little struggle.

He looks at his house slowly when not much he can see because of the light off. He take steps quiet fast toward his room upstairs before he stop right in front of the door, staring. He staring at the white wooden door for awhile before take a deep breaths and open it. And for sure he’s right.

Changmin was there, sitting on the end of his bed cross legged like he waiting for him. The taller lift his head as he seeing Kyu open the door. He also smile widely toward the other without realize if Kyu has killing aura right now.

“Kyu where have you been? I thoug—“

PRANG!

The voice of breaking glass can be heard quiet loud in the room. Changmin widen his eyes as he can hear the sounds and see what just happen to him. Kyu only have his eyes focused at the figure on his bed that now frozen like a statue.

“YOU MUST BE KNOW SOMETHING!!” Kyu shouted toward Changmin on the bed as he throws the taller with his books from desk. He just throws Changmin a flower vase before, which of course going through toward Changmin’s transparent body and smashed to the wall. And now he throwing everything that he can find to Changmin who move slowly from his bed toward the corner of his room.

“What?” Changmin says slowly with questioning look as he try to avoid things that Kyu throws to him, even nothing gonna hit him.

“HEECHUL IS YOUR MOM! YOU MUST KNOW SOMETHING YOU BASTARD!”

Changmin widen his eyes as Kyu saying his mom’s name. He stuck in his place as Kyu take his desk lamp and throw it toward Changmin, making a loud crash as the lamp broken into small pieces by the wall behind the taller.

“You are his son… you must know about this aren’t you!?” Kyu walk slowly toward Changmin on the corner. Changmin still has that questioning look because he really doesn’t understand what Kyu’s mean with ‘knowing something’.

Punch

Hit

Slap

Kyu try to hit the other’s body to express his feeling, but all his can do it only hitting the plain wall as his hands going through the other’s body. Kyu doesn’t know since when but he already cry as he try to punch the other’s body but nothing he can do. Changmin still there, looking at the shorter with the sad eyes. He wants to says something but he doesn’t know what. If being hit by Kyu right now can less the other madness, he will let the other hit him thousand times till he tired to.

“Kyu! Calm down! What’s going on!?”

Eunhyuk comes suddenly and hugs Kyu from behind as he forcing the younger to move from the corner as he found if his brother hit the wall madly. Kyu’s struggling his body quiet hard to move from Eunhyuk embrace, but he just to tired after run, mad and cry, so he just fell on the ground between all the books that he thrown before.

Kyu cry in silent as Eunhyuk follows his action to sit on the floor. He move his body so he sits beside the younger as he try to find Kyu gaze. He can see if Kyu both hands already turn into red color, it must be because he hitting the wall over and over before. Eunhyuk look at the corner, to the wall where Kyu just hit, and he can see nothing there except a stain that Kyu left from his hands.

“I hate him…” Kyu says slowly between his sobs. His voice is cracking as he tries to wipe his tears away from his eyes “I thought… he’s my only friend…” Kyu sniffling couple times as tears never stops falls from his eyes even he’s tried so hard to “I hate him…”

Eunhyuk look at his brother questioningly as he listen to what Kyu said, and he’s quiet surprise when he hear his brother talk about someone.

Friend.

Suddenly, Eunhyuk takes Kyu’s face with both of his hands so the younger can seeing him right in the eyes. Eunhyuk smile slowly as he wipes his brother’s tears with his thumbs.

“You really hate him?”

Kyu look at Eunhyuk in shock because it feels like Eunhyuk knows what he means by asking that. And on the other side, Eunhyuk can’t understand why he asks that question. He feels like someone told him to ask that, but he also don’t understand why.

Kyu nods slowly as the answer before he gets into his brother embrace as Eunhyuk hugs him tight. “Okay Kyu, he wouldn’t come around anymore. I’m never gonna come into your life anymore.”

Kyu widen his eyes when he realizes what his brother says before. He quickly breaks the hug and sees if Eunhyuk gaze are blanks. Really blank like he not being there all this time. Kyu turn his head toward the corner to see the taller, but all he can found is nothing but breaking glass and books that he throws there before. Suddenly his chest feels hurt as he starts to cry again in silent.

----

If another day would come, please tell the world, he’s not ready.

The sun is hiding behind the cloud. There’s only snows that fall from the sky even it’s somehow late because it almost Christmas and no warm light from the sun that makes the temperature getting low each day. Kyu hide his hands on his jacket pocket as he walk outside from his class since school already end.

“Hey Kyu! You want to go at game center?” Ryeowook come from nowhere when he pat the younger shoulder and start to walk beside him.

It’s been awhile, but for sure, his life getting better, even he still not really get enthusiast about life. He’s not has any nightmare again. He easily can sleep at night without scared of being haunted by the one who never be there. He never gets haunted by Heechul again, and another thing is he never meets Changmin anymore. It almost a month since the last time he meet the other, the time when he get mad at him and told him to leave him alone, but somehow, he miss him.

“Kyu?”

Kyu lift his head as he realize if Ryeowook already stand in front of him because he not respond to what the shorter says. He just looks at Ryeowook slowly “Yes?”

Ryeowook seems like he understand the other condition very well. He know from Eunhyuk, the time after he suddenly fainted, the things that Kyu done is curl into ball and cry in silent, that explain much why he absent for a week that time. Eunhyuk also says that Kyu like talk about nonsense thing before he fell asleep because of tired by cry.

Ryeowook want to ask the younger again, but then he realize if Kyu not pay any attention to him, but to the school gate. He follows Kyu’s gaze and found a middle age man stand in front of school gate. He uses a suits and has a quiet tall body, which somehow take so many student attention. Even from this far, Ryeowook can see if the man has sharp eyes and his face is quiet handsome. Ryeowook still stare at the man until he realize if Kyu already walk toward the gate when he can also sees Kyu from here.

“What are you doing here?” Kyu ask as he stops in front of the man.

The man—Yunho—only stare at Kyu slowly before he in low tones “There’s something that I thought you should know.”

Kyu still stare at Yunho slowly as he thought about it, if he should join the others or not. He looks at his side when Ryeowook already stand beside him. Ryeowook bows his head a little when Yunho smile at him. Kyu look back at Ryeowook before to Yunho and sigh “Can he join us?”

Yunho look at Ryeowook once again, and the shorter only put his gaze down when he realize if Yunho eyeing him.  Honestly, Ryeowook doesn’t has any idea about it, he feel like he know this man, but he doesn’t remember where he sees him, and he has no idea why Kyu make him involve into this conversation.

“Fine, he’ll join with us.”

----

They stand in front of a house. A house that Kyu sure it’s Yunho’s. They stand in front of the main door as Yunho start to rings the bell and wait to anyone open the door. Ryeowook stand beside Kyu quiet uneasy, since first, he doesn’t know what happen, second he just realize if the man is Jung Yunho one of rich person in town and also the ex-husband from Shim Heechul, and the last is, he not understand why he being drag into this problem.

The doors open and revealing a beautiful man behind it. It’s Jaejoong and he greeting everyone including Ryeowook as they get inside the house. Kyu still not talk or explain anything toward the shorter as Yunho tell them to sit on the couch in living room to wait, before he gone with Jaejoong upstairs toward a room.

Honestly, Kyu won’t have anything to do anymore with this family. It’s been weeks for him after he get a quiet peaceful life, even little did he know, he miss the taller sometimes. Kyu stay in silent as his eyes keep scanning the living room slowly. Even from this sit position, he can see perfectly at the pictures on the wall showing a boy that he know quiet well even he’s still a kid. It’s Changmin using a primary school uniform and Heechul stand beside him as they smile like they never sad.

Both Kyu and Ryeowook put their gaze back to in front of them when suddenly Yunho come and sit on the couch across them. He brings a quiet big drawing books as he open the page slowly before he look back at Kyu. Kyu look at him questioningly, before he’s being handed the book by Yunho. Ryeowook get closer to the younger as he join him to look back at the book. The two widen their eyes as they realize and recognize very well to the draws.

They can see a person that no other but Kyu itself. In that book, they even can find Kyu’s name written under the draws—

Cho Kyu Hyun

—quiet wide and make the two look at the date of the picture on the corner, which is four years ago, and that must be Kyu when he still in junior high, but then, the draws, is a picture of Kyu using his senior high uniform instead. Kyu’s hands tremble so does Ryeowook who agape his mouth as he tries to understand what that mean.

“We found the draws two days ago, when Jaejoong try to clean up Heechul’s room. Honestly we can believe it too, but then, there’s your name on it”

Kyu still stuck in his place and Ryeowook still stare at the picture in silent. Even he doesn’t understand what the meaning of it, but he can feel a sudden goosebumps hit him and make his stomach hurt slowly. He looks at Yunho and braving himself to ask.

“But… the date, it’s almost four years ago, how could he knows Kyu will get into this high school when he not even graduate from Junior High?”

Yunho stay silent as he realize what the shorter says. He realize what he says is right, about the uniform. The date of the draws it almost four years ago, and it close to the day when the accident happen, but how could Heechul know Kyu will get into his school now when—

“Are you ever meeting him Kyu?”

Kyu lift his head from the books and stare at Yunho when he realizes what the question is all about. Ryeowook turn his gaze at the younger and found how Kyu just turn more paler than before like he hiding something and scared to talk about it. Ryeowook know there must be something, because before the accident, Kyu not live in Seoul, he life on the suburb which makes him of course never meet the famous Shim Heechul, or maybe he is?

“Is he come to you?”

Yunho ask again but the question change, and Kyu still not answer it. Ryeowook move slowly until his shoulder even touch the younger. Kyu turn his face and see Ryeowook who seem like to hear his answer too. Kyu look back at his feet before he take a deep breath and sigh a little before answer it “… no…”

Yunho seems not believe it. Yunho rise from his seat and walk in front of Kyu before he kneeling in front of the younger. He tries to take Kyu attention. He lift Kyu head and make Kyu stare at the sharp eyes that somehow intimidate him. “Tell me the truth Kyu, because just for the record, I know who is Heechul, and he not just an ordinary person, he’s different, he’s special.” Yunho take a deep breath and look at Kyu deep inside “Is he come to you?”

Kyu seems can’t run anymore, because he know, Yunho must know about something. It’s the first time when he feels like there’s someone who actually knows his actual condition after all this time, even it’s kinda late because he never has any nightmare again, but still he can’t hide. Kyu look at Yunho right in the eyes as he can feel the hurt inside his chest as he try to thinks where he start to tell, and the figure of someone that somehow he miss come into his sight. Maybe he should tell, because maybe Yunho can help.

He close his eyes slowly before he nods in silent as the tears start to fall toward his cheeks.

----

Sometimes until now, I still don’t understand about what kind of life that I want.

I look my surrounding as I can’t found nothing but a white room. Is a shining white room that I believe if the ceiling is makes from a light or something. There nothing but grass beneath my feet. A green grass that slight wet because of the dew on it. I look at myself, when I realize I using some kind of white sleep gown. Am I dreaming?

I walk my feet slowly as I try to scanning the room. There’s nothing I can’t found until I turn my body back and found a quiet tall wide wooden door. It’s a simple door with no wall around it to support the door to stand. I walk toward the door and stand in front of it as I look at the wood which looks like very old before I slowly knock the door with my hand.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

There’s no answer as I braving myself to touch the knob which surprisingly cold as ice. I take my hand right away when the cold sting my body and send shivers through my spine. I look at the door once again as I walk around the door to find there’s nothing behind. It just a door.

The curious feeling getting large inside me as I once again make myself hold the knob and turn it in second to make me not get the cold for too long.

Rain.

The first thing that I realize when I open the door is water that fall from the sky. The door leads me to another place, with a very different situation than the room where I am now. I look back at the white room once again before decide just to left into the rain.

It’s unsurprisingly when I close the door and in second it vanished as the rain clatter on the wood. I stand there as I try to recognize what kind of this place now. I look at the sign on the road that showing about the area of this place. It’s a prefecture near a station or something, but I’m not pretty sure anyway since I feel like I never go into this place. The place it quiet crowd, and that makes me positively sure if it just another dream when people are walking through my body without realize my presence.

The rain can’t wetting me, because honestly I’m not really can feel how the water touch my skin anyway, beside my clothes isn’t wet at all. Speaking of my clothes, I just found if I already change into a white shirt and kind of jeans, but it still bugging me how could I get a red stain on my clothes. Is that a blood?

I keep thinking about my clothes until I’m not realize if my surrounding already change again. I already in something like a park because I sit on the swing even I don’t know when I sit in here. I keep staring at the kids across me who play freely at the sands with all his friend. He must be in kindergarten or something because he so small and use a uniform. I keep staring at him, until I realize something about that kid, isn’t he—

“Changmin! Let’s home.”

—me?

I stand from the swing as I heard someone calling my name. I turn my body and found if there’s already someone walk pass through my body. He’s walking toward me who still kid and hug him. He’s my mom.

“Momma, can we have a bite on pizza after this?”

“Course you can Minnie ah. Let’s home first.”

I can see how five years old me hug my mom and get into his embrace as he lift me up and bring me along with him. They walk toward me again as suddenly a fear come into my body with no reason. I can feel my body slowly fade as they walk pass me once again before it back as my full body. I stand on my place, stuck in second before I turn my body and seeing if my mom is stops walking and he frozen at his place.

“Momma?”

Five years old me try to calling my mom, but then my mom only turn his body and look at where I stand which somehow make me shudder in second. He looks at me, right in the eyes, like he can see me. Is he really can see me? He walk slowly to where I stand before he lift his hands and pull it back just an inch before he touch my face. He turn back his focused at five years old me who seems confused.

“Let’s go Changmin ah.” And leaving me to stare at them with a feels that I can’t explain.

.

.

.

I open my eyes as all I can feel is something soft but a quiet rough over my cheeks. I lift my head and found if I already laid on my stomach on the carpet in a room. The room is quiet dark, but I still can see my surrounding since the window is open and let the moonbeam get inside the room to light it up. I get into sit position as I look around. This is my room.

I still on the ground as I examine the room where I can found so many thing that I used to have in elementary school. I still has the carpet that explain if this is not exactly my room, but it is. I turn my head toward the door as I can hear someone shouting from downstairs. My dad.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU LIE TO ME CHULIE. HOW COULD YOU!?”

“Lower your voice Yunho, you will make Changmin wake!”

“So what’s the point of him being here!? He’s not exactly what I thought all this time…. how could you doing this to me Chullie-ah?”

I remember this kind of situation as the conversation between my parent getting lower downstairs and makes me can’t hear anymore what they talking about exactly, but for sure it’s about me. I get into my feet as I remember this time, it must be happen when I’m around twelve years old.

I look at my bed when unsurprisingly I found no one on it. I look at surround me until I remember what I done that time, the night just like now. I turn my body to the closet on the corner and found if the door isn’t fully closed. I walk slowly there and found myself as twelve years old boy crying between my clothes, had my knee on my chest as my hands keep covering my ears. I can hear the sobs from myself as suddenly the memory just hit me when I remember the fight that my parents have about me. I put back my eyes to myself who still crying in silent on the closet as biting my lip to prevent the sobs.

“Momma…”

.

.

.

Suddenly I can feel a crowd surround me as the room already changes just in second. I stand inside my house, in my kitchen for sure. I look around as I sit on the chair of dining table. The people around me are using a black dress and suits just like when they attend on death ceremony or something, they look—wait

—I stand from my seat in second just the moment after I realize this situation. I run toward my living room and found if this room is more crowded than my kitchen as I can see a quiet wide picture of my mom with a memorable word around it.

In memory, Shim Heechul, our beloved brilliant artist and parents, family of all the time.

I froze in my place as the memory keep playing inside my head like a video. I bring myself to walk to the picture which quiet easy since I can walk pass through people. I can see fourteen years old of me, standing there with blank expression. I know this feeling as the hurt start to come up again inside my chest which makes me want to throws up right away.

“Changmin…” I turn my face and found if my dad already stand beside the fourteen years old me and pat my shoulder “you better take a rest, okay?”

I can see myself nods and turn my body as I left upstairs toward my room. From the things that I can remember this far, I not out from that room almost a week because I’m crying after my mom left me.

.

.

.

Dark.

I lift my head as I realize if I already into another place again. The smell of the room quiet familiar for me, like I already know this room quiet well. I still can’t recognize this room as there’s no light at all inside. I almost fall on the ground as my feet fumble with the carpet beneath my feet. A creak sound from behind me make me turn my body and found if there’s already someone open the door. I can’t see exactly how the man look like until he suddenly turn on the light and makes me blinks couple times as the light get into my sight.

I still rubbing my eyes with my hands slowly until I feel if the figure just walk pass through my body. I take my hands off from my eyes and turn my body only to find myself stand on the corner where a quiet wide and tall bookshelves is. I know this room, it’s my mom work room.

I get back into my first focus as I realize if I use the same clothes like what my another self did. I can see  myself try to find something on the self, I remember this time, when I try to find a basic art book but—

BUGH!

—a blue book fell down instead from the top of the shelves.

I know that book and that make me widen my eyes in second as my another self take the book from the ground and start to open it. I run toward myself and try to take the book off from my own hands but nothing can do when you become transparent. I only pant of tiredness as I still can’t take the book of from my another self hand before the room change again.

No.

Wait.

I understand now.

BRAAAKKK!

I open my eyes fully when all I can hear is a loud crash sounds from across me. I stand on the corner as my eyes keep focused at the car that I used that night almost four months ago. The car that crash into a truck  and make myself out from the car almost eight feet away. I look at how my body full of blood and make my hair stick toward my head. I can see how my face is turns dark red as the liquid keep fall on the ground.

I know the point of this kind of memory role. Maybe I should stop my own self from the crash. Or maybe, there’s someone controlling my mind to makes myself realize if I can’t do nothing about the crash, or could I?

I look back at myself who laid on the ground whimpering. I take a small steps toward my own body as the place slowly change again as my step getting closer to my body on the ground, until it really change into different room and my bloody body isn’t there anymore.

I stops my feet as I realize there’s nothing I can do. Maybe it just a reminder for me before I actually died alone slowly, about how I try to kill myself on a car crash. I lift my head only to find a wall in front of me. A wall that not there before. I just realize if this new place must be a school or something since what can I see from the wall is kind of school magazine.

I still stare at the wall blankly until I turn my body slowly decide to leave this place, but then I catch a glimpse of someone six feet away from me stare at me. Wait is he stare at me or the wall?

He took a step backward as I look back into his eyes. He really is seeing me.

“You… not scared of me?”

----

this chapter is weird, I know, but yeah...

Thanks for Reading :))