It wasn't that he wanted to get away from his family, or misses Korea so much, that he returns home four days early and asks - begs - for an extension on his leave. It's because Nichkhun wants to get over this sharp pain in his heart immediately. It's psychological pain, so if he doesn't remember the cause then he assumes he wouldn't be hurting anymore. At least, that's what he's hoping for. What does he have to lose anyway?

He starts on the supplements and diary writing as soon as he could. After two nights of hypnosis and relaxation therapies, Nichkhun recollects two 200-page notebooks' worth of memories, including the last few days. Doctor Maurer had forwarded Nichkhun's file to the Korean branch, where he met Doctor Baek and Doctor Moon, the same people who had worked on forcefully pushing Nichkhun out of Wooyoung's mind (and succeeded).

"Nichkhun, I notice you only talk about the good memories when with Wooyoung. What about the bad times? If you two were never together then couple fights should be erased too, don't you agree?"

Bad memories? Like the petty fights and silly arguments?

The doctor scribbles down something onto his notepad as he observes Nichkhun's reaction to his inquiry. His face is a mixture of utter surprise and displeasure - the one he makes whenever Wooyoung accuses him of not loving him enough.

"Shall we see if you can think of at least one nasty fight between you two?"

He closes his eyes and wills himself to be zen, concentrating on recalling their last major fight as lovers. After a few minutes of trying to clear his mind, he hears a song playing in the back of his mind, but he can't pinpoint the melody nor the lyrics. It's all just a big blur.

Then Nichkhun finds himself in a public restroom somewhere, splashing his face with cold water to cool down after performing Hands Up on stage.

That's right. This is the KBS building, second floor.

He dabs the water off his face with a facial tissue, cursing loudly when he sees his make up has worn off. Great, more time spent in that crowded dressing room. It's so loud there he can't even hear himself think. Chansung chewing his food loudly, Minjun belting his lines out, Taecyeon chatting up the stylists and rookie girl group members. Then there's Wooyoung.

Wooyoung. Sweet Wooyoung who is - for the second time this week - giving him the cold shoulder. The reason remains a mystery to him even until now because Wooyoung is always so moody and changes moods more often than he cares to admit. Nichkhun is at his wit's end right now and any sort of confrontation will make him snap.

The door opens and a member of a rookie boygroup walks in. He bows his head low in such a haste that Nichkhun couldn't help but find him cute. The Thai rarely finds himself attracted to males but the way the quirky youngster hops to the urinal and smiles the whole time at him piques his interest just a little bit.

As if installed with a tracking device, Wooyoung enters and catches him ing the kid with his eyes. He had always wondered how his lover could find him at any given time, and even though it sounds extremely cute in fairy tales, Nichkhun finds it just a tad annoying. Wooyoung walks out and slams the door shut. The Thai rolls his eyes before following him out, trying hard not to sound sarcastic when he's explaining himself.

"I can't do this anymore, Khun. I'm just so tired of this. I love you, and I don't want to leave you but I just. I can't anymore."

"Babe," Nichkhun coos smoothly. "It's not what you think. I was just talking to the kid. He's like, 15 or something. You are the only one in my eyes."

He can do this. He's done it so many times before when they were still passionate for each other. But Wooyoung's eyes seem different now.

"I can't leave you, but I really, really wish I could, Nichkhun."

He feels his lips moving but he can't hear himself talk. Wooyoung slides further and further away until Nichkhun couldn't see him anymore. A blinding white light flashes in his face for a split second - like a camera flash - and then he sees him again. This time, they were in Wooyoung's room, standing in a hostile posture with arms folded over their chests.

"I'm sick and tired of this , Wooyoung. All you ever do is complain about how I'm not always there for you. But I'm an idol! You're an idol, you should understand this! I'm out there making friends so that people will recognize us. Recognize you. Don't you think that's more important right now than cuddling on the sofa, talking about our feelings?"

His voice boomed throughout the whole room and possibly the whole dorm, but he couldn't care less right now.

Wooyoung had tears pouring down his face and current Nichkhun wants to just reach out and wipe them away, but he couldn't move. He let Wooyoung cry that night.

Those trembling lips he loves so much opened to form words, but all he could hear is gibberish. Is it because he wasn't listening at the time?

Nichkhun feels his eyebrows scrunched up and his lips pressed tightly to form a thin line. His hands balled into fists, ready to hit someone. But before he even takes another breath, Wooyoung grabs the night lamp that sat idly on his bedside stand and smashes it against the wall, just a few inches away from where Nichkhun is standing. Neither reacted for a while but the attacker - face white as a ghost - shivers in fear and slides down to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. Yet all Nichkhun had to say to him was

"Don't pretend you don't want me anymore. Let's just go to sleep. You'll love me again tomorrow."

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


[Present]

We're not perfect but we are fine.

We're not fine but we'll work.

We're not working but we're not over.

We're not. Are we?



Nichkhun carries two chairs from backstage and sets them on stage in front of the beaming Wooyoung. As a peace offering, he'd brought him a physical form of support the younger needs for his tired body. Wooyoung had yet to ask anything about what had happen that night but in the past few days has been making an effort to reconcile with the secretly broken hearted man. He had even moved back to their place and stocked up their fridge with good food.

The Thai's determination falters a little. Does he really have to forget Wooyoung? Can't he just love him as deeply from afar? He could be that friend - the one that's always there for you no matter what; the one whose always the friend, never the boyfriend. He can be that. As long as Wooyoung stays by his side he'll cope somehow.


Only Wooyoung won't stay. He'll find someone who can give him happiness one day and I'll be tossed aside.


He snaps out of his reverie when he hears that beautiful, slightly raspy voice calling his name over to where Junho is standing. He jogs over and takes this opportunity to casually place his hand on his love's waist as he pretends to be interested in Junho's torn suspenders. The adorable sight of Wooyoung trying to fix the wardrobe mishap with a safety pin made his heart glow with warmth and for a second he forgets they're not seeing each other anymore. Nothing is broken. Nothing is over.

He stares as the fingers work to pull and stretch the elastic band closer to the belt so he can prick the pin through the two broken links. While the other hand joins in to overlap the two ends of the suspenders band, Nichkhun feels his mind slipping away as he remembers another memory he wishes to bury deep in the darkest parts of his mind and left forgotten.

***

[Past]

They had been doing great the past months, juggling practice for their long-awaited Korean comeback and schedules in Japan, when Nichkhun makes a bad decision one night. He had been extremely regretful about the incident and a little relieved he had not severely injured or killed anyone. Everyone told him there's nothing to do but to learn from his mistakes, and it's maddening when he has to stay at home while the rest go out to work.

Nichkhun never realized how much a workaholic he really is until he'd been suddenly booted off all the schedules and was asked to keep it on the down low. Now that he's at home, repenting, praying, trying to better himself - that's when he actually sees there's not much else going on in his life besides work.

He occupies himself with volunteering work and studies. The numbers of books he's read multiplied and he's even brushed up on his Japanese. He knows a lot more, but he still doesn't feel he's actually better now.

Then there's a knock on his door and Wooyoung comes in, tired and sweaty from his solo practice. Instead of getting the sleep he needs, he snuggles into Nichkhun's arms and tells him about his day. And Nichkhun thinks this is one the areas he'd say he's exponentially improved in. He's by miles far a better lover to Wooyoung.

Their relationship had been rocky for years. They've fought and made up too many times to keep track yet since that day when Wooyoung came into his room and comforted him with Thai food and kisses, ensuring him he'd be fine as long as he learns his lesson; the total number of fights since that day had dwindled down to zero.

The schedules and offers slowly came back when he arrived back from a volunteering work in Africa. Even with the work related stress and the never-ending flights back and forth between Korea and Japan he made sure not to bring any type of negativity into his relationship with Wooyoung. They kept their dates secret and acted like brothers in front of the camera but what goes on beyond their idol lives was the only thing that really mattered to both of them.

It had been perfect, and could have stayed that way if Nichkhun didn't screw up again that one time.

The two of them are professionals. No amount of touching between one of them and a third person will ever bring out so much as a flinch from the other. Flirting is fine too, as long as it's regarded as work and nothing more.

Unnecessarily kissing someone outside of a schedule, however, is not something to be tolerated.

Nichkhun hadn't been drunk in a long time, but he still has his weekly dose of soju to unwind and relax after work. There has been an agreement between him and their manager - absolutely no driving, and absolutely no drinking over his limit.

That one fateful night he broke the second rule and overestimated how much he can drink.

The room spins beneath his feet and he feels like he's on one of those crazy rides at a theme park that go round and round until he couldn't make out anyone's faces anymore. It's okay, a part of his conscience tells him. It's a JYPE party. I can get drunk here.

He dances (more like hobbles) his way over to a silhouette resembling Jang Wooyoung, his love, on the other side of the room and decides to be cute and gives him a smothering backhug. He smells a little different, and feels a little weird in his arms, but he quickly shook those thoughts away as he turns him around and kisses him deeply, pouring all his heart and soul and everything in between into this one mind blowing open mouthed kiss.

Except it feels wrong. So very wrong.

Nichkhun sets not-Wooyoung down (he'd lifted the person up in his excitement) and begins searching his brain for words of apology. The person - one of their back2u backup dancers - only laughs and forces him to dance with her. No one really took notice at the scene but one pair of shocked and hurt eyes caught Nichkhun's, sending his life into a downward spiral.

Oh no. No, not Wooyoung, please.

Strangely, the younger hadn't screamed or yelled at him, nor had he attempted to throw things at him. He had only said one thing to Nichkhun: I'm done.

He'd tried to chase after his lover but it appeared they were both drunk out of their minds. If it didn't involve heartbreak the chase would have been quite comical.

The next morning, Nichkhun and Wooyoung forgot the previous night and proceeded with their relationship as per usual. Or so Nichkhun thought.

**

[Present]


"Khun, you okay, man?"

He blinks once and finds himself back at the rehearsals facing an amused Wooyoung waving his hand in front of his face. "Don't die on me, man! I can't do this without you!" He jokes dramatically as he clings lightly onto the collar of Nichkhun's coat, making funny faces just to get his friend to relax. The two of them laugh away their nervousness and slowly make their way to the side of the stage and wait for the music cue.