-- Title [4/5]

A little bit awkward but it rang my bells. Good title and nothing was wrong there. The title suits the story so it was most probably 89% perfect. Why most probably? – because it wasn’t alluring. Not that much.

-- Foreword and Description [7/10]

It was simple and neat. But some parts of it didn’t sound right at all Like: I woke up into a nightmare.
I don’t see how it would be read correctly, though it sounded right… But anyhow, here’s my kind of example:

I woke up. And found myself living in a nightmare, but in which this time, I’m much too wide awake to be in a dream.

There. Won’t that sound nicer? Well, it’s your choice of reading it anyway. You don’t have to change it if you think it suits your style, alright.

To be precise, your foreword was a bore. The whole thing was dull and simple. Not that I’m saying you’ll have to have a poster/main image, but, in which, I think you should. Well, that’s because we’re in AFF. What’s more colourful than not to be, yes? So, try and find a graphic designer to fix it up with a background or something. This way, you’ll be able to lure more readers to enjoy your story, more…

-- Plot [8/30]

Ok… I don’t see why I should give you high marks here because your story plot was a cliché. Yup. It is. Don’t tell me you haven’t read some other people’s story which is most likely just the same as yours? - From the top till the very bottom it was extremely predictable; unoriginal, which I suggest that it is too. But more or less your style of writing changed most of it which was… well, O-K-A-Y…?

-- Character [16/20]

The main character of the story was simple. Her attitude was portrayed nicely. Even L.Joe’s personality was spoken out dashingly. Well, this is a one shot. So, I don’t have much to say. I think that the parents’ personalities/characters should be explained briefly in obvious actions so that it won’t have been such a bore; which I think is only my opinion. Nothing more or less about it though.

-- Grammar and Spelling [15/20]

Well, I couldn’t spot much but there’s a spelling/typo mistake in there.

And this part here: I think it would have been better like this;
Original: There would be nice days, where people talked to me,…
Correction: There would be nicer days, where people would talk to me,...
Wanna know why? Well, that’s because you’re trying to give a comparison, it should have been more appropriate with comparison adjectives.

Let me just get it straight, since there’s no category for me to mark ‘words usage’ in the rubrics, I’ll put that in here. Which I think it's rather VERY important to be marked in reviews.

Okay, instead of repeating the word ‘beating’, you can try hitting/abuse. Besides, the girl’s already 16, she should know better to write with better words at that age, and when you write, not really the main point here, but you should immerse yourself more into the character him/herself. Maybe you should stop saying how plain and normal she wants to die, instead, express her wounds and cuts.

Here are my kind of examples: (Be warned! This is my style of writing, so, don’t keep it in mind that much.)

Yours: I am 16 now, still suicidal. I get beat frequently for…etc…
Example:

Something was keeping me, keeping me from really dying. And even so I’m already reaching youth, youth was not a choice I wanted, for it has made my life worse than ever it was still. The bruises were no longer an open wound but merely a scar which have inflicted me and my life. For years I have wondered if ever I was someone who was born to live instead of being abused all the time when they ever releases their fury upon me. My parents, who once loved me is now my arch enemy.

There. It’s just something for you to think of, and of course, try not to crack your head with this. Your simple explanations were good, but not good enough.

-- Flow [9/15]

It… was… not… bad.

I just don’t know. The whole thing was too cliché. The same old idea with the same old kind of love story. Rather a bore actually, and really, extremely more like a scan through more than a read through. Ya know why? Well, it’s because the ideas were all there, to tell you the truth; I didn’t have to read the story to know what the ending is, because it’s already so obvious! So, if you’re trying to disappoint readers, that’s a good foreseen of a whole story. The flow was definitely there, but don’t follow the rules! What I mean by that is, you can try rearranging the whole thing! You flow was basically, again with the word, boring.

Overall Score: 59/100

Notes [optional]:

Alright, you were pretty lucky that the rubrics didn’t have designs on it, or I would have given you a ZERO. Yes, totally. Designs are important, I don’t see why you shouldn’t even have a decent graphic for the story because, well, that’s what AFF is for! Not some bore old site for you to write stories in! Try Wattpad if you’re gonna do that. Alright, I think I’m done now. Thanks for requesting, and since you’ve mentioned that you wanted harshness; there you have it. I hope you’re okay with it! Thanks for requesting.

Reviewed by, X_JasielleAle