Cʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ IV
~ part II ~

(Taeyeon)

    A few hours later, Tiffany and I were walking alongside each other after getting off the subway, and she was clutching onto my sweater again as usual. I wondered whether it'd stretch out if she did it long enough. 'It'd be nice to have her mark being left on it... kinda l— Okay, that's not sweet Kim Taeyeon, that's creepy. Way to go with your borderline stalkerish thoughts. Weirdo.'

    We finally arrived to the bus stop.

    It soon started drizzling but I forgot to bring an umbrella.

    Tiffany, meanwhile, looked nervous beside me and jumped a little when some running student almost bumped into her.

"Ah, I wish I just had a car," I mumbled under my breath, irritated, but Tiffany must have heard it because she now released my sleeve to type in >>I noticed you liked them too, right?<< I nodded as I followed her words. >>Don't you have a license?<<

"I do, actually."

>>Then how come you don't have a car?<<

"Uh, can't really afford it right now... " I mumbled again, a little embarrassed.

    The bus we were waiting for arrived just then so we got on and I touched in my card twice for the both of us. Tiffany looked uncomfortable, as she usually did whenever I paid for something for her, but this time it was even more prominent on her expression than before.

"Hey," I started as we sat down. "I hope you're not feeling guilty about this. Honestly, even if you were to stay for a whole year, that still wouldn't be as great an expense as a car." Well, I didn't exactly make a calculation but I was pretty sure I was right about that. "Plus, I'd have to maintain it and everything... So, yeah. In a few years, maybe. If things work out well."

    Tiffany didn't seem to feel much better about it though. Actually, she probably looked even more distressed than earlier.

"Look, I want a real nice car anyway if I get one one day, not like a Hyundai or Kia or something," I chuckled. I saw her eyes turn more lively too. "So it really doesn't depend on this little favor I'm doing for you right now, okay?"

    She sighed, then wrote >>What kind of car do you want, then?<<

"Mmm... probably a Mercedes... maybe Porsche...?" I chuckled. "You gotta dream big, right?" She bobbed her head slowly at that. She was probably pouting under the mask right now because she had those adorable puppy eyes again. "Is there something you dream of getting one day? Something big?" her eyebrows twitched for a second and her pupils turned to the corner of her eyes in thought. "Let me guess. Is it something pink?" I grinned. She smiled back at me. Then she looked out the window thoughtfully. I didn't notice before that we were already passing through the bridge. The sight in front of me was sublime. The river mirroring the setting sun and the beautiful multi-colored sky serving as a fitting background to the divine beauty in front who was staring out at it, lost in her thoughts, while the skyscrapers embraced the whole scene like a picture frame. It was so breathtaking I even forgot for a while that I asked a question as I observed Tiffany's features - until she finally directed her gaze back in her lap and began to pour some of those thoughts onto the device in her hands. Even her hands, her fingers were amazingly pretty. Delicate, long fingers. She painted her nails a pastel pink back at home. She was kind of clumsy with it at first but when I told her I'd help, she said she'll be fine. She also managed to do her make-up alone today. All I did was just giving her some advice.

>>I suppose, right now I'm still transitioning. I have more small things I'd like instead of just one big. But I guess, if there's one big thing I could wish for... My voice?<< I didn't know what to say to that. Had she said anything else, like a pair of expensive designer shoes, a nice apartment or a personal jet even, I could've joked it away. But somehow, I didn't expect this. I read on as the bus came to a halt. >>I wish I could just talk to you without the restrictions of this device.<<

    I sighed. "Well, we'll just really have to make an effort to learn sign language quickly then, won't we?"

'Yes,' she signed, beaming.

    I held up a thumb in response.

"So what are those small th—"

"Hi!" I saw a familiar girl nearing us, waving clumsily as she walked towards us on the crazily wobbling vehicle.

"Oh, hi Yoona!" I waved back at her as she finally managed to stop next to us. There was no empty seat near ours so I thought I'd offer mine but she refused as soon as I raised my from the seat saying, "What are you doing unnie, you're the older one. Normally it should be the other way round," she smiled. 'Well, okay then.' "Hello. My name is Im Yoona, nice to meet you," she introduced herself politely to the girl sitting next to me, bowing slightly. Just then, the bus made a sudden shift though and Yoona bumped her head into the pole she was holding onto. "Ouch!" She swore under her breath. "That hurt," she rubbed her forehead with one hand now.

    I couldn't help but let out a grin though. "Nice bow," I said. "This is Tiffany by the way."

"Yeah, I guessed so," Yoona addressed me grumpily as if I just said the most obvious thing. "Hello Tiffany unnie," she waved again, and Tiffany waved back with a smile. "Are you ill?"

    I saw Tiffany shake her head as I glanced back at her and I did too, saying, "Uh, we'll explain later," on a low voice.

*

"Hah! I told you they had a code lock and not a keyhole, right?" Yoona claimed triumphantly as we finally reached the doorway to Sunny's apartment. "And I've only been here once before." I pushed the doorbell, rolling my eyes. "How many times have you been, unnie?" she stuck her tongue out at me teasingly.

"Not that many," I really haven't been here too often. I was usually too lazy to come all the way here so we'd either meet up somewhere midway between her place and mine or she'd come to me. "I think I've only—"

"Or," the door opened to reveal a tall and slender figure, "it's just somehow managed to slip out of your eye-level?" Sooyoung replied with an innocent tone but her grin said otherwise.

"Well," I answered as the three of us stepped into the entrance hall and took off our shoes, "at least I don't have to crouch down like Quasimodo to see it."

"Very funny. Oh yeah, by the way," she pointed at the floor, "you should probably put on a pair of slippers." I frowned a little. I don't remember ever having worn slippers here before. "Sunny's got insoles in some of them," Sooyoung grinned.

"Yeah, sure," I rolled my eyes again. "Anyway, this is Tiffany." I gestured towards her as she took off her mask unsurely, smiling at Sooyoung.

"Hi Tiffany-ssi, my name is Choi Sooyoung," Sooyoung held out a hand to Tiffany, "Wow, you really are just as pretty as Taeyeon said before." 'What?!' I glared at Sooyoung, 'I never said anything about how she looked! Choi Sooyoung, you're a dead jangshin.' Tiffany glanced at me nervously and she was rather flushed. And awkward. That's when it actually registered in me. Her situation, I mean.

"Ah! Oh, umm... Tiffany, she's not that good with err... physical contact... uh... right now." I didn't really know how to put this without sounding completely weird.

"Ah, because you're sick, right?" Sooyoung asked Tiffany and Tiffany looked at me for help.

"Umm..."

"Anyway, it's nice meeting you," Tiffany nodded in reply as Sooyoung gave her a smile before heading to the living room.

"By the way, she's a year older than you, just so you know."

"So?" Sooyoung looked back at us as we followed her. "It's just a year, I'm sure she doesn't mind me not calling her unnie. Right?" she turned to Tiffany and Tiffany nodded shyly in response. She already looked a little intimidated, overwhelmed even, and we barely stepped into the apartment yet.

"Sunny-ah, are you coming out or what?" Sooyoung peeked into Sunny's bedroom while Yoona sat down on a cushion by the small table in front of the TV, immediately snatching some of the snacks that were prepared there.

"Just a minute! Can't find the remote!" Sunny yelled back. "You guys get yourselves some beers from the fridge till then."

    I walked over to the fridge and saw several bottles of beer packed in. Sunny walked out of the room meanwhile and turned the TV off by hand while I took out some bottles. "No lemon ones?" I asked.

"At the back," Sooyoung replied. "Are you from somewhere else originally, Tiffany-ssi?"

    Tiffany nodded. She was standing a few steps behind me now as I opened up two bottles.

"US?"

    I saw Tiffany nodding shyly again.

"Oh my God," Sooyoung chirped in English while I went over to Yoona to hand her one of the beers. "I really want to move there one day." Sunny came out of the bathroom. "Which part of the US?"

"Hey there," I walked over to Sunny. "How's it going?"

"Hi Taeng," she replied a little grouchily. "You know where I found the remote? Next to the toilet," she raised her voice, "Choi Sooyoung."

"Huh?" Sooyoung turned her attention on us now while I walked back to hand the beer to Tiffany.

"Why would you even take it to the toilet with you?" I heard Sunny reprimand her but I was now more occupied with Tiffany. I offered her the beer but she shook her head. "Why? You don't drink beer?" I asked. 'Maybe she doesn't like it... or she doesn't drink at all.' She didn't show any sign of agreeing to that. "Then what?"

    Before she could answer, Sunny interrupted. "Anyway, sorry for my manners," she held out a hand to Tiffany, "Lee Sunny."

    Tiffany was blatantly uncomfortable by now.

    I was not that surprised by that, her whole situation was a little bit awkward at the moment... 'But it's okay, nothing we can't handle.'

    But again, Sooyoung butted in. "Ah, she's sick right now," she explained. It looked like Tiffany wanted to protest, and I decided it was time to tell everyone what was going on. Well, as much as we could anyway. We talked about this with Tiffany before we left and came to the conclusion that we should probably just tell part of the truth for now. Neither of us really wanted to lie and it wouldn't have been easy to find a proper explanation to everything anyway. Especially considering that Tiffany had to keep lying low.

"Guys, she's not sick but... it's a little hard to explain, okay? Let's just decide what we wanna order out and we'll talk about it afterwards, alright?"

"Al-righty... " Sooyoung raised her hands up, shrugging her shoulders. "I say spicy fried chicken?"

    After some persuasion, we all agreed on getting the fried chicken Sooyoung suggested but when we were about to order, Tiffany signaled to me that she didn't want any.

"You can't eat anymore?" She shrugged at that and even puckered her lips a little, pulling to the side. I'm sure she did it unconsciously, but I swear every expression of hers looked like the finest piece of art to me. Then I remembered the cold beer that was still in my hand. "How about this? You don't have to drink it now, you can have it later, you know."

    She averted her gaze and shook her head again.

"Fany-ah," I almost touched her chin to lift up her head but this time I caught myself before my free hand made its way up completely. "Why are you not taking it?" I had a suspicion why. But I wanted to hear it from her. Well, not literally hear it but...

    She just dipped her head lower.

    'One step forward, two steps back, right?' I sighed. I wished things could go a little more smoothly. To be quite frank, I didn't expect such positive changes to happen to her in such a short time when I found out about her past. But now that they did, it was hard to see her struggling to keep it all up. Even though she's revealed many things about her past since we met, I was certain there was still a lot I didn't know about that made these things all the harder for her. It wasn't easy for me either, not knowing what I could do for her to make it better, but I wanted to help her in any way I could. So the least I could do was being there for her to listen.

"Okay, well... you already know what I have to say about it, right?"

    She nodded.

"So, if you change your mind and decide that you'd like to have something, you're free to do so."

    She responded with a nod again but I could tell that she has already decided to herself that she would not ask for anything. I didn't understand why exactly this became an issue again but there wasn't much else I could do about it other than to reassure her over and over again.

    Meanwhile, the others sat down around the small, round table, so I took the beer I was going to give to Tiffany and went over to sit down, with Tiffany trailing behind me.

    Being mindful that Tiffany shouldn't be pressed against me (no matter how good it sounded), I edged as close as I could to Yoona once I took my place on the floor. I wasn't really sure where to start.

"Uh, okay... so... well. Tiffany and I met at the subway station. It looked like she needed help so I went over to her to see if she was okay, and it turned out I was right... she... " I let out a small, nervous sigh here, "she can't go back to where she lived before."

"Why?" Yoona asked, and a hand suddenly grabbed mine under the table. I felt a jolt run through me from head to toe from her touch. But I just played it cool and let Tiffany hold my hand while saying, "I... I trust you guys a lot, you know that, right?" The three of them nodded slowly. "And I hope you trust me too," I continued.

    The immediate response of the three of them saying 'of course' at the exact same time made us briefly chuckle but Tiffany was still tense. I returned to my serious tone and continued. "So... I hope that you understand that for now, I can't really go into detail about everything. Believe me, it's for a legitimate reason. Point is, she needs a place to stay for a while and since she really has no-one and nowhere to go, I offered my help to her. So she's staying with me while we try to figure out something for her problem."

    Sooyoung frowned, tilting her head. "I'm sorry but... why didn't you go to the police if you needed help?" she looked at Tiffany but the girl just tightened her hold on my hand, apparently not even daring to look up at Sooyoung.

"Is she in trouble with the authorities or something?" Sunny openly questioned.

"No, she's done nothing wrong," I felt Tiffany's hand tighten even more around mine. It was kind of a lie. She did steal after all. But obviously, that wasn't the main reason why we couldn't contact the police. "But... she can't really reveal herself right now, that's why the mask. And the fake glasses." She still hasn't taken the latter off but I didn't really mind. With or without, it didn't really matter much. I always just liked the way she was at the moment better. It was actually slipping off her nose now and she pushed it up with a finger. 'Gosh, there's probably no thing on this Earth that she could do and I wouldn't deem utterly adorable,' I thought then. 'Even if she were to, I don't know, pick her nose or scratch her I think I'd still think she's the cutest, prettiest thing ever.'

"So... someone is looking for her, right?" Sooyoung concluded.

    I sighed. "Yeah." Although I was aware that we were touching on a sensitive topic here but it was still fascinating to me that Tiffany was not at all nervous when we visited the church and she talked to the pastor, but she was gripping onto my hand as if she was holding onto dear life now that we were with my friends.

    The atmosphere was heavy.

"And... we don't want that person to find her."

"That's right."

"I still don't get it though," Yoona furrowed her brows, "why can't we just tell the police so that they could protect Tiffany unnie from that person?"

"It's a little complicated."

"I'm sorry, Taeyeon, I do trust you, and you know that," Sunny replied, "but in this case, 'it's a little complicated' just won't do as an explanation. You're asking us to assist you in hiding someone from the authorities," she emphasized. "We don't need you to go into detail about everything because we trust you, and we're willing to help you too but... " she shook her head here while Yoona and Sooyoung nodded in agreement, "an 'it's a little complicated' just won't cut it this time."

    I turned to Tiffany now, trying to convey my silent question through my gaze. 'I think we need to tell them. Can I?' Her eyes looked scared but she gave one curt and timid nod.

"Okay. Well... the thing is, the person that she's uh... hiding from... is a policeman. An influential one."

"But if Tiffany-ssi has done nothing wrong—"

"She hasn't." I defended her again. "He did. That police officer is a bad guy." 'A disgusting, filthy, son of a—' "And influential. That's not exactly a fortunate combination. So... " Finally, it seemed like I ended up telling most of the story, or at least the core of it, instead of just a little. But if I hadn't even told them as much, I honestly think there would have been a greater chance that they'd involuntarily do something that would risk Tiffany's safety. "As for any of the public authorities and such, well, we really don't think it'd be safe to tell anyone, since the guy's got connections all over the place. So we're trying to find some other way."

"What about a lawyer though?" Sooyoung asked. "I mean, I'm sure he could give some advice at least if nothing else."

"I... umm... aren't they like, really expensive?" I mumbled. Of course I thought of it too before but I immediately concluded that I probably wouldn't be able to afford one at this point.

"Well, it shouldn't be that bad for just a few hours," Sunny said. I wasn't sure how much a few hours would be enough for in her case, really, but it would definitely be better than doing nothing. And maybe we could get some advice as to how to move forward at least... "And if it's really that serious, we could help you out a little," Sunny continued and for the first time in the conversation, Tiffany reacted by an enthusiastic head shake. She looked like she wouldn't allow that to happen. If she could have, she probably would've squeezed my hand even tighter now but I was pretty sure she'd completely cut my circulation if she did. 'Well, I wouldn't really mind even if my hand became like a mummy's as long as long as I could still feel her touch.'

"Uh, well... I don't know guys. We still have a lot of things to discuss with Tiffany about this, I guess, but thanks a lot for offering. We'll see but for now, I just wanted you guys to know why Tiffany's here with me right now and I'd like to ask you to not talk to anyone about this until we figure out something. We really don't want to take any risks."

    The three of them nodded at that silently, their expressions thoughtful.

"I'm guessing not even mom?"

"Not even your mother."

"Okay." Sooyoung accepted.

"How about Yuri unnie?" Yoona asked now.

"We'll see Yuri on Wednesday, so not before that. Not in public places either. Or anywhere where strangers can hear you."

"Wow, this really is pretty serious, isn't it?" Sooyoung shook her head in awe.

"Yeah." Now, in the momentary silence between us, I realized I've been unconsciously Tiffany's soft skin with my thumb and I didn't even notice at what point I started doing it. Her skin really was amazingly soft and smooth. And she didn't seem to mind my action. She didn't seem to mind at all. What's more, I now also noticed her hold on my hand slowly growing more and more relaxed.

"What about Seokwon oppa?"

"Well... if it's avoidable, you shouldn't tell him just yet, I think. We'll probably meet him too later, we'd better tell him then, personally, if he asks." Sunny nodded.

"Jinmoon oppa?" Yoona questioned. 'Ah. Of course she had to bring him up. In front of Tiffany.'

"Uh, well I'm not sure yet."

"Wait, weren't you supposed to meet him yesterday, by the way?" Sooyoung asked as she put a shrimp cracker in .

    Tiffany looked up at me with confusion written all over her face now.

"We're actually meeting on Tuesday," I slipped out of the trap seamlessly.

"Oh," Sooyoung replied. "I thought he's only here for the weekends."

"Usually, yeah. But he has some work related thingy here that day so... "

"You don't seem very enthusiastic about it, unnie," Yoona commented.

    I didn't really know what to say to that so I just shrugged nonchalantly. She was right. I wasn't exactly beside myself with joy to meet him. I mean, it's not that I didn't enjoy his company, and yeah, I did like him and all but... especially now that Tiffany was here... 'Well... It shouldn't matter, really. It's not like anything could ever happen between me and her anyway.'

"Ah, she's just too lazy to move that little of hers anywhere outside her house or workplace," Sooyoung saved me from having to give an awkward answer while picking out some more crackers for herself. "By the way, talking about work, I was actually just offered a translating job. My Spanish professor recommended me to a friend so... "

"Wow, congrats!" I released my hold on the beer bottle to give a high five to Sooyoung.

    Afterwards, we wandered onto some lighter subjects and even Tiffany seemed to lighten up a little bit although she still held my hand as if it was a means of safety for her. I was really glad about that, though. But when we started eating, it was no longer possible for us to hold hands like that, so she let go reluctantly before I could've figured something out just so that she could keep holding my hand.

    We haven't finished eating yet when I realized it was time to meet the ahjussi and return his tablet. I just told the others that we had to go down for a few minutes and luckily, they caught on to my tone and didn't pry as to what exactly we'll be doing. Tiffany said she needed to go to the toilet before we went down and as soon as the door closed behind her, the other three cornered me.

"Taeyeon-ah, what were you thinking?" Sunny started, whispering.

    'Well. I can't say I didn't see this coming.'

"You're putting yourself into danger here for a complete stranger?" Sooyoung added on to it.

"She's not a stranger anymore. She's my friend. You don't know what she's gone through, okay? She's got no-one to turn to."

"But that doesn't make it any less dangerous to try to hide someone from the police!" Sooyoung replied.

"Well, it's technically not the police, they—"

"Taeyeon-ah."

"Look, I know what I'm doing. It's not like I have much of a choice."

"Yes, you do. Leave her to the professionals," before I could cut in, Sooyoung continued, "I'm not trying to say here that you shouldn't help her. From what I've seen, she does seem like a very nice girl and all but it's not like you can do much for her, and you're just risking your own safety for her sake."

"Unnie, I think Sooyoung might be right. I also agree it's a good thing that you're helping her but... maybe not like this... you know, we're just concerned about you."

"Well, it's easy for you to say that I should just pass her on to some random institute or professional or whatever. Like I said, you still don't know the whole situation. It's really more complicated than it seems. So please just... trust that I know what I'm doing and let me handle it," I heard Tiffany washing her hands now. "If you have any wiser suggestions than all the things that we've already gone through, I'll be glad to hear it because I want to do anything I can to help her but until then, I'd—"

    Tiffany stepped out of the bathroom and I stood up immediately throwing one last look at my friends. I was a little disappointed at them, even though I expected something like this and I could see where they were coming from. I knew that despite their worry for me, they'd keep to their word, but... knowing the full story, getting to know Tiffany the way I did, I really didn't like how simply they could say things like what they just did.

*

(Tiffany)

    I clutched onto Taeyeon's sweater as hard as I could like one would to a life guard, and my anxiety escalated steadily as the elevator made its way down to the ground floor.

    I could feel my legs weaken and my heart rate skyrocketing to the roof while I felt a tight pull in my stomach and my lungs. I felt sicker and sicker. This wasn't going to be an easy ride.

    We finally arrived next to the restaurant where we made the appointment to. Ever since we stepped out of the elevator, Taeyeon was talking to me, trying to calm me down but I couldn't really take in her words. Different scenarios of how things will go down, how it could all go wrong played in my head over and over again, so I tried putting a stop to them by starting to pray. That calmed me down to some extent.

"Fany-ah," Taeyeon now said. I really liked how she called me that. I really liked how it came out of . That helped a bit as well. "You can always just change your mind and head back to Sunny's." I shook my head no despite my obvious nervousness. I'm not stupid. I was aware of what risks I was taking with this. But as the pastor said, I had to listen to my conscience even if it's not the easiest thing to do at times. And my conscience was telling me that the right thing to do was to take responsibility for my actions. I could tell that Taeyeon thought this was crazy and I understood why. I actually expected her to resist to my wish, so I thought I'd take the bull by the horns and tell her straightaway that I'm doing it, no matter what. Surprisingly, she didn't really argue about it. She respected my decision. And I couldn't even describe in words what that meant to me. "If he's doing anything suspicious we're—"

    Taeyeon couldn't finish the sentence because I interrupted her by shaking her arm by the sleeves of her sweater as soon as I spotted the guy. I pointed at him and Taeyeon asked one last time, turning to me "You sure you wanna do this?"

    I seriously felt like I could easily faint or that I should run, my heart thumping madly in my chest, my palms sweaty, legs weak, and my whole body trembling. But I thought, 'It'll be alright. It'll all be alright with God and Taeyeon by my side.' So I nodded.

    Taeyeon and I went a little closer to him and Taeyeon called out for the guy. "Excuse me."

    The man was a little confused at first but then he walked over to us. We both bowed in greeting as he neared us and Taeyeon said hello. The ahjussi said hello back and I was surprised by his barely audible, shy voice. I wouldn't have expected that.

"So... I assume you have my tablet here," he said.

"Yes, sure." Taeyeon took out the tablet from her backpack and handed it over to the guy.

    The guy held out a 50,000 won note in exchange. I was stunned. Did he think he just lost it and we were so kind as to return it to him? I shook my head at him and he raised an eyebrow. Taeyeon spoke up. "We're sorry, sir but we really can't take it. Actually, there's something my friend would like you to know."

"Okay..." the man said but he looked a little fidgety, like he was in a hurry.

    Taeyeon confirmed with me one more time if she could go by the script by giving me a concerned look, and I nodded again. The man seemed harmless. "Uh... she can't really tell you personally since she's mute but my friend... she's gone through a big trauma and... in a crazy moment she took your tablet but then she immediately regretted it and wanted to return it to you so she ran after you but she couldn't catch up with you," the guy frowned now and eyed us suspiciously from head to toe. I couldn't help but hang my head low in shame. I was terrified to even look at him. "She feels terribly guilty and she's very very sorry so... we were hoping that this could stay between us and that you could maybe forgive her." Taeyeon finally finished it off, and I glanced up again anxiously, waiting for the ahjussi to show any kind of reaction. After some nerve-recking seconds of an awkward, stunned silence, he just shook his head and said, "Unbelievable. You know, everyone has bad days but never in my life would I consider stealing someone else's property." I felt the tears starting to sting my eyes and the guilt that I felt before intensified a hundredfold. "In no situation do you have the right to take what's not yours." A tear escaped my eye and I bowed a little at his words as a sign of understanding and humbleness. I knew full well that he was right. He sighed. "Next time, you may not be so lucky as you are with me now." I dared to look into his eyes again and shook my head. Taeyeon defended me. "There won't be a next time, sir. She's never stolen anything before either, right?" I nodded. I realized I was trembling. "She really does feel horrible about it."

    The guy just sighed again, shaking his head in frustration. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm quite busy so I need to go," he huffed and walked away without even saying bye.

    I finally burst out crying with a weird mixture of relief and guilt in the pit of my stomach.

"Hey, hey, hey," Taeyeon turned to me as my grip fell from her sleeves. "It's okay. We're through it now, it's okay," she said and she waited with me until my trembling subsided and my crying ceased. We turned to walk back to Sunny's place.

*

    When we got back to Sunny's, the girls were playing on the Nintendo Wii and Taeyeon and I joined them as well. I was still nervous and uncomfortable around them since I felt like an intruder and I felt out of place. While sometimes yelling instructions and cheers to each other, they kept talking about all kinds of stuff that even if I was able to talk, I couldn't have contributed to because most of the time, I had no idea what they were talking about.

    They actually already lost me when they started talking about this Jinmoon oppa, way back, after we ordered the fried chicken. I didn't know who he was and I wasn't sure I wanted to find out. Honestly, if he was Taeyeon's... if he was her boyfriend, it'd be an unpleasant surprise... 'I don't know, why wouldn't she have told me? I mean, it's not like she owes me anything but... I even asked her whether she had a date yesterday.' Even though I did expect her to say no because she just never gave me the impression that she was in a relationship. It's weird but somehow, I just couldn't imagine her being with a guy even though I was sure there were several trying to court her. 'And, like Yoona said, she didn't seem very enthusiastic about meeting this oppa... ' So I concluded that he was probably just a relative she didn't really like or something.

    But then again, many other names and stories and places and references flew around that I didn't understand. Of course the others, especially Taeyeon, tried to include me in the conversations but I realized that I must have grown pretty much socially awkward too by now. I used to be really good at this stuff but now, I wasn't sure how to act or what to say. Well, write, that is. I guess I was afraid of saying or doing something wrong.

    They appeared to be fun, nice and understanding though so as the evening went on, I eventually became a little more relaxed as well. I even played a bit with them although I was completely unfamiliar with the controllers and such, plus, the fact that Taeyeon was meanwhile giving a backhug to Sooyoung was sort of distracting me from the game. So obviously, I totally . But I did have fun with it.

    By the end of the evening, I also managed to find out more about the girls' lives. I found out that Sooyoung and Yoona both got to know Taeyeon through Yuri. Sooyoung and Yuri were taking many of the same classes in university as Sooyoung was studying to become a translator and freelance writer, while Yuri was more about acting. Yoona too was taking some acting classes but she knew Yuri from way back, ever since they were little. From what I've heard, these two must have been really big pranksters back then. I also discovered that, although both Yoona and Sooyoung were so thin that if anyone was asked who was the one often starving for the past couple of years I doubt anybody would have guessed me, but these girls had a big appetite. I found out more about Sunny too. Her real, Korean name was Soonkyu but she hated it. She's been friends with Taeyeon ever since middle school and was currently working as an intern at a veterinary clinic. She lived with her long-time boyfriend, Seokwon oppa, who was an entrepreneur and a huge hockey fan. Despite the fact that Sunny was so keen of animals, they couldn't keep any bigger pets here so right now, they only had some fish and a degu called Tongtongi. He was named that because she was a little chubby. Taeyeon instead decided to call it Lion, though, because he bit her finger the first day she ever saw him.

"You can have a look at him, we keep him in oppa's workroom," Sunny said and got up to show me where.

    I walked into the small room with her and sure enough, by the window, there was a tall cage with a cute little brown rodent sleeping in it. I've never seen a degu before but I found it extremely adorable now. It looked much like a tiny bunny, except with smaller, rounder ears and a long, thin tail with a little brush of fur at the end.

'Cute,' I mouthed to Sunny, smiling.

"Wait, I'll get him some food so you can see him awake."

    Once Sunny left the room, I scanned it over with my eyes and my gaze immediately fell on a gray figure on top of a white cardboard box in the other corner of the room.

    Totoro.

    I knelt down on the floor next to it.

    Memories flooded back to me about how we used to watch it all the time with my brother and sister. Especially after Mommy got sick. How they would say after the hundredth time of seeing it that it's too boring already and it's for babies but I always had my way anyway and we watched it for the hundred and first time as well just because I said so. I remembered the first Totoro plushie my daddy bought me when he came back from a trip to Japan, and I remembered even trying to learn the theme song as soon as I was good enough at playing the flute and taking several months mastering it.

"Hey, you okay?" I heard Taeyeon's voice and as I looked up at her, I realized I was tearing up again. I quickly wiped my eyes.

    Sunny walked in with a small bowl.

"Oh, you like Totoro?" she asked and I now stood up from the floor. I gave a small nod and saw Taeyeon looking at me with concern.

'Are you okay?' she signed.

I nodded. 'Yes, I'm okay.'

"You can have it if you want, you know," Sunny said as she opened a small door on the cage to put in the bowl. I frowned at that. "The Totoro," she explained. "You can have it. I don't mind much."

    I hesitated for a moment but then shook my head no. I didn't even know this girl much. I didn't want to take away what's hers.

    Taeyeon still looked a little worried but I now turned my attention on the little animal in the cage that just woke up to eat.

"Ah, Seohyun would kill you if she saw this," Taeyeon told Sunny.

"Because?"

"Because she worships sweet potatoes like a cult, that girl," Taeyeon replied, grinning and shaking her head as the degu began to chew on one of the small cubicles of chopped up sweet potatoes.

    I smiled widely at the sight, it was probably even cuter chewing away like this while holding onto the food with his tiny hands. Then I noticed something strange. At first I thought that I was only seeing his sweet potatoes but now I was positive I saw his teeth... and they were orange. My eyes wide and my brows raised, I waved my hand in front of Taeyeon so that she'd look at me, then pointed at my front teeth curiously.

"Ah, yeah, that's because he's living off of blood so it gets on his fangs and—"

"Yah!" Sunny smacked Taeyeon on the shoulder and I couldn't help but laugh at the little scene. "It's normal that their teeth are orange if that's what you wanted to know. Means they're healthy."

    My mouth formed an 'O' and I nodded at this new found fact while my eyes involuntarily traveled back to the gray plushie on my right for a moment. 

*

    I let the warm water caress my worn out body as I stood under the shower, thinking about all the events of today.

    So many things happened and so many people I've met... After years of almost complete isolation, you'd expect that I'd be overwhelmed with all this at once. And I guess I was too, sort of... still, the only thing I really felt overwhelmed with at the moment was Taeyeon, Taeyeon, Taeyeon.

    'She's amazing.

    It's not only that she helps me and it's not just the good stuff... it's everything about her, really.'

    I could have easily considered this the day I returned the stolen tablet and managed to get away with being prosecuted. I could've thought of this day as the one on which I finally made new acquaintances after years of solitude. Or I could have said 'this was the day when I was finally able to praise God in its rightful place and time after such a long time,' which was a wonderful feeling.

    But the way I saw it, instead, today was the day when we laughed with Taeyeon at her silly socks. Today was the day when I found out that she was understanding and supportive about my faith even if she herself wasn't a part of it. Today was the day she made me wonder if I was maybe in heaven already because she sang for me. Today, she let me hold her hand when I was afraid, even though I was basically almost crushing her bones. Today, she laughed in a very ahjumma-ish fashion with her friends and accidentally let out a burp after she finished her first bottle of beer and, in the strangest way, I found these things furthering her perfection in my eyes.

    Today... To me, today was the day when she revealed one of her dearest wishes and the day she made me laugh so much, I ended up poking my eyeball with the mascara I was just about to put on. Today was also the day I felt a little jealous for her excessive skinship with her friends when they started fighting and tickling each other for the ownership of the controller, making me wish even more that I'd get better at physical contact, and the same day I found out that a so-called 'Jeolla dialect' was extremely cute, especially when Taeyeon spoke it with her mom on the phone.

    Today, she called me Fany and she called me her friend. Made me pasta because I didn't eat any of the spicy chicken and she assumed I missed western food...

    And most importantly, today... today was the day she's proven to me that she would stand by me and protect me even if it was in a potentially dangerous situation or if she had to stand up against her own friends.

    I stepped out of the shower.

    Yes, I knew that they were talking about me. It made me feel even heavier in the heart for accepting all this help and everything she's given me because I myself felt unworthy of all this kindness, too. But as time went by, I also became more and more glad that Taeyeon insisted so much on doing this for me because it meant that there was finally someone who truly and genuinely cared for me. And it was a feeling I've been parched for for a very long time.

    When I walked out of the bathroom and turned off the water heater, I was welcomed by the sight of Taeyeon arranging her sheets on the couch.

    It took me a moment to remember the two signs I needed to ask what she was doing but once I did, I walked behind her and pulled on the bottom of her shirt to get her attention. She winced and almost stumbled onto the couch in surprise and clutched onto her chest when she turned to me. "Damn, Fany, you scared the hell out of me," she pulled out the earphones of her phone and put the device on the table once she switched the music off.

'Sorry,' I signed, mouthing the words simultaneously. 'What are you doing?'

"Oh," she threw an excess cushion off the couch, "I was just thinking that maybe you could try to sleep in the bed tonight and me here since you said you were more comfortable there."

    Honestly? It really didn't make much of a difference if she wasn't there. The reason why I went to sleep there two nights in a row was because I was scared and she had the ability to calm me down and give comfort without even knowing. I felt a little disappointed that she decided to sleep on the couch tonight because if I were to have a nightmare again, I wouldn't dare to get her out of bed, or couch in this case, in the middle of the night and ask her to come up to sleep with me again.So I just nodded unenthusiastically. 'Well, she probably feels more comfortable sleeping on the couch anyway than wedged so close next to me in her bed. It's understandable. I never even asked her if she was sleeping well like that or not. And she has work tomorrow... ' I tried to quench my disappointment by listing logical reasons but it didn't help much.

    I hung my wet towel on the dryer while she began to apply some lotion on her face, then waved a little with a small smile on my lips, mouthing a 'good night' before walking up to the bedroom area lousily.

"Good night," I heard her say. It was really weird, actually, but somehow, after years and years of being all by myself, just two nights with Taeyeon made the thought of sleeping alone feel rather lonely. 'She's not even separated by a wall or anyth—' I halted in front of the bed. My stomach flipped. 'Totoro...?' The gray figure stared back at me with its wide, round eyes. I just stared at it with my mouth agape and my head empty for a minute or two. 'Taeyeon-ah... ' My heart was full of warmth. 'So that's why her backpack seemed to be so stuffed on the way back.' And guilt.

    I picked up the plush toy and sat on the bed, holding it up at eye-level and staring at it as if it would be able to answer all those questions that resided in my mind.

    I felt wonderful and miserable at the same time. 'Will things ever be normal again? Will I? And what will happen when I won't have Taeyeon by my side anymore?' I was scared. I didn't mean to cry but the tears made their appearance anyway and as soon as they did there was no going back. I was sobbing as I hugged Totoro to myself tightly. I knew I couldn't keep it. Just like how I couldn't keep Taeyeon. So for the short time they were there, I'd hold on as bad as I could.

"Hey," I heard Taeyeon's soft voice, "Fany-ah," she sat down on the bed beside me. "What's wrong...?" I sniffled and wiped my nose on the back of my hand then gave one last look to the plush before giving it to Taeyeon. Then I reached for the iPad.

    While I started typing, she said, "I'm sorry... I thought you wanted it. I thought you just didn't accept it out of guilt and... " she sighed and I tried to type quicker so that she wouldn't blame herself much longer. "I don't know, I was thinking since I wouldn't be sleeping with you tonight—" I nudged her with the device.

>>I did want it but I don't have the right to keep it.<< Taeyeon sighed.

"But, well, Sunny said you could have it and... it just looked like... like it's important to you," she said on a low voice.

    I averted my gaze again and took a few moments before starting to write >>Totoro was my childhood. It holds lots of precious memories f<< I broke down again. 'In the end, is this all we can have? Just memories? And when would these moments fade into distant memories as well?' I cried for a long time then. It almost seemed like hours. Everything was too much and nothing at the same time. I felt confused and sick and melancholic and afraid, and Taeyeon's closeness was the only thing that kept me from falling apart completely right there and then. When I managed to pull myself and my broken pieces together, I wrote. >>I just... miss my family so much.<<

"I'm sure... " Taeyeon held my gaze with concern. I felt sheltered by her eyes. "I'm sure that they're watching over you," she almost whispered.

>>I think Mommy does. Probably my sis' too. But Leo oppa and Daddy... << I couldn't put it into words but I felt another wave of guilt hit me and cried again.

"I'm sure they do as well. You must have been a great sister and daughter."

>>You didn't know me back then.<< I replied bitterly. She only knew this side of me, what I have become over the past few years. And what I was today was not the whole truth. That was something that wasn't clear even to me anymore. I wasn't even sure about who I was anymore.

"Nobody's perfect, Fany. We all make mistakes," she said. "Especially when you're a hormonal teenager who thinks they know everything about the world," she smiled faintly. Then she repeated "I'm sure that they're watching over you."

    I calmed down a bit. >>Are you sure you're not an angel or something?<<

    She scoffed at that "If I were an angel, I wouldn't make you cry so often," I wanted to protest but she broke out in a grin saying, "Well, on the other hand though... my height would make a little more sense, wouldn't it?"

    I frowned a little and tilted my head at that. "I mean, who cares about being short when I'll probably get my wings any time soon?" I chuckled to myself and caught her gaze with some tears still filling my eyes. I loved looking into those eyes. In that moment, I was convinced they were the source of that warmth that so often washed over me when I looked into them.

    Taeyeon turned her gaze away though after a while, saying, "So... umm... I guess... I'll be going to sleep now," she stood up and placed the Totoro beside the bed. "Will you be okay?" I felt my heartbeat rise just like how it did yesterday and the day before yesterday when I asked if I could stay with her for the night. But I shouldn't be too selfish. Despite wishing that she could stay, I nodded my head slowly and she said good night one more time before turning around— and then it was as if my rampaging heart acted all on its own without consulting with my brain - I grabbed hold of the back of her t-shirt. She turned around to look at me questioningly as if she was waiting for me to explain myself but I didn't.

    I was afraid to ask with words but maybe I was less afraid to ask with my eyes because after a while she whispered, "Should I go get my pillow?"

    Biting my lip, I nodded timidly.

    She gave a tiny, nervous smile and I was not sure if it was a good sign or a bad sign. I could only hope that she didn't really mind.

    When she came back, she climbed into the bed and turned off the lights on the wall.

    I picked up the Totoro and laid down next to her and she covered me with the blanket. She didn't put her arm around me this time and I didn't move closer to her either. I concluded that she probably felt uncomfortable sleeping like that the last two nights... unlike me. I hugged the soft toy to myself as I said my silent prayers, saying a separate one just for Taeyeon.

    I laid like that for a few minutes. I didn't feel that scared anymore.

"Fany-ah," Taeyeon suddenly whispered. I opened my eyes and looked at her. She was so pretty even like this, with her features barely traceable in the dark. "About that lawyer... maybe we should give it a try, don't you think?"

    I reached out for the iPad beside the bed and wrote, >>I guess it won't come as a surprise that my uncle's got many lawyer 'friends' too... the problem is, I don't know all of them. And even if they don't personally know him, they could be influenced by him if he finds out anything. So I'm really not sure who's trustworthy.<<

"But... if we would find someone anyway. You know, maybe through a friend or something...? We wouldn't necessarily have to name names."

>>I don't know. Like you said, it's too expensive.<<

"But the others offered to help out."

>>I can't accept that.<<

"Why? I mean, I'm sure that, you know, once things get resolved and you get your own job and all that, you could pay them back eventually."

>>It's not really about that.<<

"Then what? You accept my help. How come you won't accept theirs?"

    'Well, that's a good question.' Maybe... maybe it had to do with the fact that I didn't really trust them yet. I was actually a bit afraid now that my situation was revealed to them. Taeyeon's mom was one thing but... Well, it was kind of unavoidable though. The only thing that made it a little better was knowing that Taeyeon trusted them. Why I trusted Taeyeon so easily, however, was still something I couldn't fully explain. >>They're not you.<< I just replied. >>And I don't intend to burden you for much longer either.<<

    In the light of the iPad, I saw Taeyeon frown. "You're not a burden, I told you before. That's not why I'm saying this. But that *sshole uncle of yours, and your aunt, and all the rest that hurt you, they need to be brought to justice. They can't just get away with this." It was fascinating how passionate she was about this.

>>I had a long time to think about this while I was locked up... and I'm really not sure if there's a safe way to do it. And I don't think I'm ready to risk it all just yet.<<

    Taeyeon appeared to be at a loss of words after she read this. She sighed heavily and stayed quiet for a while. She then spoke up again. "Are you sure you want to return Totoro? Sunny said she would have probably given it to someone anyway."

    >>I shouldn't take it. She should give it to someone else.<< I didn't feel like I deserved anything from her. I only caused trouble to her best friend and made her own life more complicated too by having to keep mum about me. I barely even knew her, and she didn't know me either. So I didn't feel like I had the right to take anything that's hers.

"Why?" Taeyeon asked. "Why do you feel so guilty taking anything from anyone? Even if it's offered? Even if it's something you really want?"

    Well, I guess there were many reasons to that and it was probably more complicated than she would've understood. But there was one moment, one thing that really stuck in my mind that has now emerged with a force.

>>One time, I wasn't given anything to eat for almost three days. That's when those kids came over.<< The tears already started gathering in my eyes. >>They were having fun 'punishing me' for whatever they thought I'd done, but it seems that one of the kids felt some pity for me. He secretly left a cheese stick in my room. I ate it as soon as I found it because I was starving. I knew I could have gotten in trouble for doing that though, so I tried to hide the wrapper and I even thought of swallowing it but I would've choked on it.<< I felt sick to the stomach just thinking back on the moment when it got stuck in my throat, and I thought for a moment that maybe that'd be it for me. In the end, I managed to cough it out though.

>>So I had no other option but to hide it the best I could.<< I continued. >>But a few days later, my aunt found it. She told my uncle that I stole that cheese stick. I tried to explain that I didn't but I also didn't want to get the boy in trouble for showing sympathy. My uncle would've probably threatened him then so that he wouldn't show more sympathy and maybe tell on him.

They burned my hand on the stove for that.<< I still remembered the excruciating pain and how I threw up afterwards from the smell. >>It took about three months to heal but if you asked anyone, they could've easily thought it was just a kitchen accident.

My uncle and aunt then said that, since I was a nobody and had nobody in this world except them, the only thing I could ever own without their permission was my skin. Everything else is a sin for me to take.<< I tried hard to hold back my tears this time. I didn't want to make Taeyeon believe it was her fault that I cried so much.

"They were wrong, Tiffany. They were very, very wrong," Taeyeon whispered and as I heard her choked voice, I felt like the task of not bursting out in tears became harder by the minute. "You may not have owned anything material, but you did own a very beautiful, very important thing that no-one could have without your permission," she said. "You know what it is, right?" The first teardrop escaped. "Right there," I saw her point at my chest in the dim light. "Don't ever think that way again, okay?"

>>I try not to... I know that the things they said were not true and they only said them to hurt me. My logic knows. But when the only thing you hear every  hour of every day for years and years is that you're a worthless nobody who deserves nothing and there's no-one, just no-one to prove it wrong... << I felt a stinging pain in my heart, >>it's hard to make yourself believe otherwise.<<

"Well, you have someone... you have someone to prove them wrong now. I'll prove them all wrong, okay?" she said and before she could've finished it I was in her arms, the plushie and the iPad pressed between my chest and hers. I could tell she was a little shocked at the sudden move. She hesitated for a moment before her own arm came to rest around me and she started caressing my back. "Because... " she continued and she inched a little closer, whispering into my ear as if she was telling me a secret, "you're a wonderful person Tiffany," she said. I felt my tears break the gate I was trying so hard to set up. "You are beautiful, Tiffany," her soft palm- soothed my senses. "You deserve all the good in this world and so much more, Tiffany." There was no use in putting back the gate anymore. "You are better than all of them, Tiffany. So much better than any of them." And she kept whispering those words in my ears as my tears eased themselves out of my eyes, until I slowly fell asleep in her arms again, warm and guarded, and feeling very, very loved.

***