Cʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ I
(Miyoung)

    I kept running and running and running and running; I didn't know where, but my feet kept on hitting the asphalt below me heavily, my socks completely soaked and torn, my knees bending repeatedly without me ordering them to, and I just ran and ran and ran... away from everything I left behind. My lungs couldn't seem to process the air. It stung and hurt too much but I didn't care. My face was full of tears too and I couldn't have cared less.

    I had to run as far as my legs would take me.

    But I didn't have much strength. I had many other aching spots on my body and my legs were weak.

    So finally, eventually, I stopped.

    Then I just stood.

    I couldn't comprehend what was happening around me. Everything just blurred into one big mass of shapes and sounds and smells and colors.

    People kept passing by me - a girl barely clad in anything, now freezing, shaking, as the sweat started running down her bruised skin, tears constantly flowing out of her eyes; I could almost see myself from the outside.

    I wasn't surprised by people not caring though. That's what I'd expected anyway. But them being around me was a hard concept to bear with when it's been so long I've been out here. People haven't changed much. But I saw more American shops now. Less elderly people and less children. Maybe even less green than there used to be, and there wasn't much to begin with anyway in a big city like Seoul.

    I just stood there. And although I could see these things, they held no meaning to me whatsoever.

    Suddenly, I felt the presence of someone near me.

"Excuse me noona," he started. It was a young boy. Probably a high schooler. I didn't turn to look at him, I just stared ahead of me with an empty look. Everything in me felt so empty. "Do you know where exit number six is?"

    My brain took a moment to process whatever he was saying.

    I shook my head finally. 'Directions. I was never good at getting around in Seoul. Not like I had much time to explore it anyway,' I scoffed to myself. The boy said sorry for bothering and moved on, probably to ask other people about where exit number six was.

    I stood for a little longer with an empty head, an empty stare but most importantly, an empty heart.

    It was getting darker and after a while, I decided I would go on. Where? I hadn't the faintest idea. Just... needed to move.

    As I walked on the streets, I was now more aware of some smaller details I didn't notice before. Dozens of fliers thrown all over the sidewalk, a cat café I passed by, several different cut-out boards, of what I assumed were some idols, advertising different restaurant and cosmetics franchises, a jewelry shop.

    It started raining.

    Finally, I reached a subway station. It was exit number four of probably the same station the boy was looking for. I didn't even read the sign to find out which one it was. I had no plan. No destination.

    So I just went in and stepped on the escalator. Once inside, I felt at least a little less cold, although it was only on the outside.

    I looked around. Even before, on the streets, I noticed a lot of people were holding their precious little devices in their hands, phones, tablets and whatnot, but here, it looked to me as if everyone was permanently attached to either their screen or their earphone.

    And then, an idea struck me. I spotted a middle aged man. He reminded me a lot of my uncle. He appeared to be drunk too or at least a little tipsy. So I decided he'd be a good target. He was on his phone and I could see an earphone hanging out of the bag on his shoulder. I walked past him and snatched the device as quickly and seamlessly as I could. And I walked away calmly with the tablet in hand. I couldn't wait to listen to music again... it's been weeks since I last heard something from outside the living room, the faint noises of the TV oozing through the thick door of my room. I turned the device on and saw a picture of a family as a screen saver. The middle aged guy held the shoulder of his wife, and they had two little boys around the same age at the front in school uniforms, smiling mischievously.

    I felt my heart break and my whole body being filled with guilt. 'What was I thinking?!'

    I turned back with a racing heart to see if I can find the man and I started crying harder than ever when I couldn't spot him anymore in the crowd. I ran towards the direction where he was probably heading to, judging from how he was standing there before, and sure enough, I now saw him pulling off his card and stepping on the escalator leading down to the subway. I rushed towards him but, of course, I had no card, no ticket, nothing. I had to improvise. I quickly climbed under the barrier that was supposed to stop me from passing through without a ticket and ran down the 'traditional' stairs, in hopes that I would get down before he does. Or at least, not much later. But when I looked at the crowd on the escalator, I couldn't see him.

    I tried to spot him between the people waiting for the subway but again, I failed.

    I heard the music signaling the arrival of a subway train on the other side. I quickly dashed over and I finally saw the man. But he was too far away, at the very end of the waiting area. Again, I ran. Just as I was about to reach him though, the train stopped and the doors opened. He entered calmly. And I ran even faster. I waved my arms crazily and if I could, I would've shouted loudly, I would've cried 'Ahjussi!' but I felt my lungs tighten up and my heart race in the maddest rhythm and I wanted to throw up and just be into the ground below me. I couldn't utter a sound. Before I could've entered the train, the doors closed and I just didn't know what to do. I waved even more frantically, tapping the glass, and some people in the cabin looked at me with indignant expressions. The guy turned to look at me too and I noticed him wearing the same irate expression. And I could read from his eyes that he probably thought I was crazy and disgusting. He didn't even focus on the tablet I was waving in my hand but then again, the crazy-looking, messy girl drenched in her own sweat and tears and soaked from rain head to toe was probably a more extraordinary sight than the little device I held onto. I heard the announcement and could sense the train get ready to leave when I was suddenly pulled backwards by the back of my t-shirt. I stumbled and almost managed to fall back to maybe crack my skull on the floor. Maybe that would've been better because right now, I just felt like I was going to perish from the inside from this feeling of guilt. But I didn't fall. I didn't hit the floor. And I didn't crack my skull. Because a pair of hands were holding onto me, gripping onto my own upper arms tightly.

    I ripped myself away with a force and was ready to fight back or flee but before I could even turn around, I heard a young girl's voice: "Sorry, didn't mean to grab you like that." I turned around, seeing her hold up her hands in defense. She bowed a little once she lowered her arms. The girl probably was a few years younger and a few centimeters shorter than me. Soft, blonde hair, cute baby face, now removing the earbuds of her own iPad from her ears. I just stared at her for a moment before she said, "You should be more careful next time or else, you could end up under that train one day."

    I didn't know how to react to that.

    'Why should she care if I fell under a train one day? Maybe I'd deserve it.' I glanced down at the tablet in my hand now and walked to one of the benches. I collapsed onto a seat and started crying again. I felt like I just couldn't stop weeping my heart out.

    Was this what I had become? A thief? An ugly freak and a worthless criminal? A dumb girl who didn't even know the directions to exit number six?

    Somebody sat down right next to me.

    I recognized the blurry figure without having to look up.

    Her hand slowly entered my vision. There was a pack of tissues in it. The pack had a pink elephant on it.

    Another wave of painful emotions washed through me, but this time, they came with an overwhelming warmth that I could only describe as the best feeling I've felt for what seemed like a million years. I launched forward and hugged the girl so tight I may have squeezed the breath out of her petite body but I couldn't stop myself from doing so.

    After a few moments, she wrapped an arm around me too and I just let my tears flow from my eyes freely. I felt so many things at the same time: guilt, gratitude and some strange sense of safety as she patted my back from time to time and her hair brushed against my forehead and her warm scent filled my nostrils.

    I held onto her tightly and felt like I didn't want to let go any time soon. But as my tears slowly ran out after the next train... or maybe two or three trains left, I finally realized I couldn't keep her back any longer no matter how much I wanted her to stay.

    I released her slowly and without looking at her, I continued to stare down at my lap, and the tablet, guiltily. Now, having kept back and attacked the poor girl just adding up to my guilt. Not only did I keep her back, I invaded her personal space greatly, I was wet and smelled horrible and she didn't even know me.

    I didn't even thank her for anything. I couldn't. I didn't dare to open my mouth.

    Her hand was there again. She held out the same pack of tissues. When I didn't react, she leaned down a little to see my face and try to meet my eyes. I didn't look at her but I could see it trough my peripheral vision. "Take it," she said on a soft tone. Her expression was full of worry.

    I couldn't have been more taken aback. I deserved punishment. Not some kind, pretty, innocent girl worrying over me and helping me out.

    She tried to get a hold of my hand to put the pack in it, but I immediately retracted. I felt unworthy and afraid of her touch. It felt almost surreal that I was just clinging onto the same person a minute ago as if my life depended on it.

    She also seemed to be surprised by my sudden aversion but she didn't back off completely. She kept holding out the tissues and calmly asked me to take it one more time.

    I didn't want to go against her wish and possibly upset her.

    My hand reached out shakily and I took the pack of tissues without touching her.

    Now I gripped onto that too along with the tablet that I in no way had the right to hold onto.

"You should wipe your face," I heard her say. When I didn't budge again, she said, "and your nose too," I heard a smile in her voice, "unless you are like my little cousin and don't mind walking around all snotty and everything." Honestly, I didn't really care what people thought about me anymore. I had long lost my dignity and I looked like a mess anyway. But for the first time ever in a very long time, I was now concerned and embarrassed because somehow, I cared about what this stranger thought. She looked somewhat like an angel to me, even though I never imagined angels wearing a backpack full of key chains of peas, gingerbread men, cars, ice cream and other figurines. Or wearing big, thick rimmed glasses and black hoodies. Or to have a dorky smile like this girl's. But still... this is probably what made her look even more angelic in my eyes. So compared to her, I definitely looked like an old stray dog that just climbed out of the garbage bin.

    My hands were trembling as I opened the tissue pack but I managed to wipe my face and my nose.

    The girl still didn't move though. I continued to avert my gaze at my two newly acquired and currently only possessions.

"What's your name?" she asked. I kept mum. "Do you want me to call help? Call someone? Family, maybe?" I immediately turned to look at her and shook my head frantically. I was really afraid. "It's okay, it's okay," she said. I also realized then that there was no way she could contact anyone since she didn't have a phone number or anything. "Are you running away?" Her concerned gaze seemed to see right through me and pull me in... Even her eyes were angelic. There was a sparkle in them. I nodded slowly and averted my own eyes in shame again. 'She must think I'm some stupid spoiled brat or something.' Instead, she chuckled a little. "I thought you were older than that." 'Yes, she totally thinks I'm—' "I was 17 when I last tried to run away." I looked up at her. 'Couldn't be that long ago. She looks like she's 18 now.' "For me, it was just a silly reason. I just had enough of all the nagging and everything... looking back, it was really stupid. Now that I live alone, I miss them all the time." 'Oh. So maybe she's a little older than I thought.' "Is it... is it a stupid reason like this for you too?" she asked cautiously. I looked back at my lap again. I fiddled with my pack of tissues nervously, focusing on the cute pink elephant. When she received no response from me again, she sighed. "I thought so." She sounded sad and I wondered 'Why do I have to make even angels sad?'

"Do you have someplace to go?" she asked. I shook my head slowly, almost invisibly. "Would you... " she hesitated for a moment and even though she spoke on a soft tone before too, she now lowered her voice even more. "Would you... like me... to call the pol—?" Before she could even finish the sentence, I started my crazy head shaking again, now really panicked because she definitely could do that without me giving her a number too. And I was now a criminal. And if they found out that I ran away from home— "Okay, okay, I won't, don't worry," she tried to place her hand on my shoulder but I pulled away again. I was dirty and I didn't want her to touch me. She retreated.

"Do you even have any money?" she asked now. I shook my head again. She sighed. "What do I do with you?" she muttered to herself.

    I looked up then, frowning. I had nothing to do with her. And even if I did... why did she feel responsible for me? "I could pay for a room for you for tonight if you'd like." 'What?! No!' I shook my head wildly. I was not going to take her money. No way.

    For about a minute, she didn't say anything. I glanced up at her from time to time, and she seemed to be thinking hard. She finally spoke. "Look, I know we don't know each other. But... what do you think about staying with me tonight?" My eyes widened as I looked into hers and could see the serious but somehow shy look that she was giving me. 'Is this happening? Is this for real? Is she? Did I just faint again? Am I hallucinating?' "Sorry if I am being too much," it was her turn to avert her gaze now. "But... I really don't know what else... or where else... you know..." That overwhelming warmth was there again but I was paralyzed with shock. It was really hard for me to believe this was real. 'I... she doesn't even know me and she's inviting me into her own home? I'd done nothing to deserve this. And I can do nothing to pay her back.'

    So I shook my head again.

"Why?" she asked. "Are you afraid of me?" Another shake of the head, left and right. I myself was surprised too. But somehow, I trusted this beautiful stranger more than my own self at this very moment.

"Then why?" I wanted to tell her that I didn't want to burden her and that I didn't deserve her kindness at all and she should just go on with her life as everyone else does but, honestly, I just couldn't. I didn't want her to go. I felt safe with her there by my side. I opened my mouth again and again but I knew no sound would come out. "Can you... " she paused for a moment nervously, thinking. "I hope you won't take this the wrong way but can you... uhh, can you talk?" I frowned at the question for a moment... then slowly, I shook my head.

    She sighed again and this time, she slid back in her seat, palm on her forehead, as if I just told her the most complicated mathematical equation she'd ever seen in her life. She breathed out heavily. "Okay. Well, we'll figure something out," she said unconvincingly. 'Why? Why do you do this? I'm really just a worthless pile of burden for you... ' "Can you tell me what you're planning to do? Write it on your tablet?" I shook my head again as a huge amount of guilt struck me once more for having stolen someone else's property. "You can't write either?" the girl asked, eyebrows furrowed. 'I can.' I mouthed and gave a weak thumbs up. 'This.' I pointed at the device in my lap. 'Not.' I crossed my hands in an 'X'. 'Mine.' I pointed at myself. Then I pointed towards the spot where she saved me from possibly falling under the train. 'His.' I repeatedly pointed there.

"Alright, then you can use mine," she said, and handed me her iPad after opening an application. I looked up at her. "So, what are you planning to do now?"

    I was a little slow at typing. >>I don't know.<<

"Are you planning to go back home later?"

    I just shook my head.

"Why?"

>>I can't.<<

"Did your parents say you can't go back?"

>>My parents are<< I deleted it. >>I just can't go back.<<

"Ever?"

    I nodded this time.

    She heaved in a big sigh.

"Did they hurt you?"

>>My parents never hurt me.<< I typed as quickly as I could, tears clouding my vision. >>I live with my uncle and aunt.<<

    I was going to write more but then she asked, "Did they hurt you?"

    I nodded slowly, this time, a droplet of tear escaping my eye.

    The girl swallowed hard. When I looked up at her, she looked angry and to my biggest surprise, there were tears gathering in her own eyes, too.

"Why don't you want me to call help?"

>>I have no family or friends left that you could call.<<

"What about the police? If they hurt you," I started writing again before she even finished, "they deserve to be punished."

>>My uncle is a policeman.<<

    It seemed as if a whole world had collapsed in the girl that moment. Her soft and delicate features have now turned sour and distorted.

"He still deserves to be punished if he did something wrong," she said, obviously angered. "Maybe even more than others!"

>>It's complicated.<< I only typed. I could have said so much more. But it would have been too long and I really didn't want to waste her time anymore. It was obvious that I was only disturbing her peaceful life and it was never my intention to do that. Plus, she couldn't help anyway. 'So what's the use?'

    She buried her face in her palms. I was wondering for a moment as another train arrived how long exactly we've been sitting here and how many trains passed by us so far. She must have had somewhere to go too. I really felt bad for keeping her back.

"Look, I said I'd rent you a room for a night, right? Well, I'm taking it back. You can just vanish out of my sight anytime then," she paused for a moment to think back on what she just said. "Uhh, please don't take this the wrong way. I don't mean to say I want to creep on you or something," she chuckled dryly, "but it looks like you really need help and I want to help you. I don't want you to die on the streets or something. So... "

    I frowned. >>Why?<<

"What do you mean why?" she asked incredulously. "Why would I want you to die? Why would I want you to be hurt? Haven't you gotten enough of that already?" I was still baffled. I understood what she was saying but it didn't really make sense to me. I think she probably gathered as much from my expression because she continued. "Anyway. I didn't save you from that train for nothing. If you... if something happens to you then all that hard work and effort goes down the drain."

    I had to chuckle at the fact that she referred to those five seconds as 'all that hard work and effort.'

    She too smiled now.

"And nobody would see that pretty smile of yours again," she said softly and I felt myself blush. I don't even remember when the last time was that someone complimented me like this. Even if it was just this girl, this stranger that said it, even if it was only to make me feel a little better, it felt good. And warm.

"So... please, stay with me for a while, until we can figure something out for you. Okay?"

    I snapped back to reality.

    And shook my head again.

    She looked at me questioningly.

>>I don't want to intrude in your life, keep you back from it, be a burden... You'll gain nothing with doing this for me.<<

"You know what?" she seemed a little irritated now. "You should have thought of that before you almost got killed by the train, okay? I feel responsible for you now, even if I didn't know you before. If I let you go just like this, do you know how bad I'd feel? Always wondering whether you're dead or alive? I want to help you, alright? I want to.

"And there's no way I will gain nothing with it," she paused. "I already earned more knowledge of what this world is like," she said bitterly. 'Great, ruining her world view too. Just great.' "And I already earned a smile," her tone changed. "And I'd like to earn more. From you... what is your name again?"

    I took a moment thinking if I should do this before typing >>Tiffany.<<

"Tiffany-ssi. Are you from America?"

    I nodded.

"Okay, Tiffany-ssi from America. My name is Kim Taeyeon from Jeonju. Nice to meet you," she bowed as she stood up. "Now let's get on this train here, shall we?" she said as she walked towards the subway train that was just about to come to a halt.

    I was rooted to my spot and I willed myself not to move from there. 'It was a beautiful encounter, but you can't, Tiffany. You can't!' I told myself.

    Before she stepped into the cabin, Taeyeon signaled for me to come and called, "Tiffany-ssi, you're not planning to keep my iPad too, are you?" she grinned. "Come on! Let's go!"

    I panicked when I realized I was still holding onto it. 'I can't steal two people's things on just one day!' I sprinted towards the doors before they could close, handing the device to the smiling girl but she didn't take it. Instead, she gripped onto my shirt, pulling me into the cabin, and the doors closed, and the train continued its way on line number eight, the pink line, to Amsa.

***